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AIBU?

Crappy engagement gift

195 replies

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:05

DP and I got engaged in April on the first day of our 3 week trip to Canada. I told my 7 closest friends in our group chat. They congratulated us and were delighted. I told them we were planning the wedding for this new years eve. I got a few comments about it being a bit quick. Some complained that they already had loads on this year due to rearranged gigs etc due to covid. I felt a bit disappointed by their reaction and not very supported.

2 of the other girls in the group got engaged at the end of last year so I was excited to be planning a wedding alongside my friends. One was getting married 5 weeks after me. She said I'd struggle to get a venue, celebrant etc. And would I not be better postponing a year.

When we got back from Canada one of the girls dropped off a gift that was a join gift from all the girls. We regularly chipped in for gifts as a group to get a bigger gift rather than loads of little one. The gift bag contained a sparkly photoframe (I'm not a glittery or trinkety person), a plant, a graze box, bar of chocolate and bag of coated nuts. I couldn't eat the nuts and half of the grazebox due to dietary reason which they were aware of. And the grazebox was stale/soggy so it actually went in the bin.

For one of the other girls we had chipped in for a gin distillery tour, gin tasting experience and dinner for her and her fiancé. The other girl got a similar gift.

For weeks it was really bothering me that I'd had such a thoughtless gift. Rather than left it fester I was honest with the girls and told them I felt a bit disappointed that the same thought and care hadn't gone into my gift. I was called rude,
ungrateful and accused of only caring about the monetary value. They pointed out that as my wedding was this year they couldn't afford to get 2 gifts. One girls engagement party was in June and her wedding is in Feb so there's the same of time between her engagement and wedding gift and mine. I was told if I didn't see how a wedding on new years eve was an inconvenience for people then i waa very shortsighted regardless of whether I was providing transport. I left the group chat.


I know times are hard for people just now but if they were truly skint they wouldn't go out for brunch/dinner/drinks every week. I know if it was me and I was struggling financially I'd sacrifice those things to be at my friends wedding.


I haven't spoken to them since June and they're not invited to our wedding.

Initially I was upset about this but my DP and parents have been really supportive of my decision and said they had never been very good friends anyway, it was their loss etc.

One of the girls has been diagnosed with a large cyst on her ovary. Her ovary has to be removed but she will be fine and should still be able to conceive. At the weekend one of the messaged me telling me J needed her friends right now and I should contact her. This was my last opportunity and she wouldn't be asking me again. I ignored the messages. I'm a being a bitch if I don't contact this girl? And was I being unreasonable to cut them out of my life?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

732 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
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You are NOT being unreasonable
26%
shipwreckedonhighseas · 03/10/2022 19:47

You could still be kind and send flowers and a card.

It doesn't sound like the friendship group really values you so you're right to leave.

My guess is they felt miffed you had planned a wedding for just before one that was already scheduled.

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Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 19:47

They don't need to get new outfits for any of the weddings.

They don’t need to, but many people will simply because they don’t have suitable wedding attire sitting in their wardrobe waiting for someone to get married. Especially if there are multiple weddings in the same friendship group and can’t simply reuse their wedding outfit for each one.

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donquixotedelamancha · 03/10/2022 19:47

really I don't bother about engagement gifts

You ended 7 friendships over an unsatisfactory gift. Christ, what the hell would you have done if you were bothered- murdered their first born and salted their land?

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DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/10/2022 19:48

I do feel sorry for the girl who's having to have an op which is why I'm in 2 minds whether to contact her. I wouldn't want to restart the friendship though ...she really wasn't a great friend and had some toxic traits...Would reaching out send the wrong message that I want to be friends again? What would be the best way to go about this?

A kind card wishing her a speedy recovery and best wishes would be a nice thing to do, when someone you've known for a long time is seriously ill, even if you haven't been on the best of terms recently.

Wondering if it would send the wrong message?... that you want to be friends again?, sounds quite harsh.

The whole group have taken offense at your commentary on their gift ( which was a mistake I think) and at your removing the whole group from your wedding, I doubt a card would change that.

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HaveringWavering · 03/10/2022 19:50

CreepyDibillo · 03/10/2022 18:34

I would be fuming if a supposedly good friend stole my thunder and booked her wedding 5 weeks before my long-planned wedding. How many of the guests will be the same? That's probably at the root of it for the one who's getting married.

FFS what a childish response. What sort of idiot guest is unable to enjoy the wedding of Couple B because Couple A got married a month previously?

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 19:51

Stravaig · 03/10/2022 19:35

I don't know what the best thing for you to do is, OP. But to offer a perspective from someone quite unlike you -

My heart sank as soon as I read 'my 7 closest friends'. Sure enough, by the end of the post, they've never been very good friends, it's their loss, and you've cut them out of your life. That's fast to ditch them for true friends, or it's a lot of drama for random people you're sort of friendly with. Quality not quantity! Time to review what friendship actually means to you, and adjust your circle to match.

NYE is an intense time for most people. Many will have their own special plans, with their loved ones, which absolutely do not involve your wedding. And the more misanthropic folks (me!) might prefer to hunker down in blissful solitude and not feel forced into a obligatory social event. It's also an incredibly expensive and busy time for travel and hotels, and difficult to arrange childcare.

Comparing engagement gifts and choosing a date close to another weddings - both seem distasteful to me. But they are part of a wedding world that skews towards ugly behaviour anyway, so 🤷‍♀️

True friendship would step up for a friend with serious medical concerns. Everything you complain about in your OP is insignificant by comparison. But if there is a history of bullying, you should have ended these friendships long ago. Only you can know.

Thank you for not calling me a cunt like a lot of other. They're entitled to their opinion.

Absolutely, in hind site I should have walked away following the bullying incident. I've always been a bit of a pushover and am guilty of giving people too many chances. I honestly don't think I'm a terrible friend. I certainly put more effort in than I feel they did.

I stayed sober one NYE and NY and drove my friend to her work and back. 1.5 hour return journey. She'd worked through xmas so I stayed sober so she could enjoy herself NYE without having to worry about being safe to drive the next day.

I bailed the girl who bullied me out with money. She prioritised nights out over paying me back. I cut her off after the money was repaid.

They've done a few things that's upset me but this was the first time I actually spoke up. Yes it was a pretty petty thing to speak up about, especially when I've let other more serious things slide.

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Flyingagain · 03/10/2022 19:52

I personally rank my friends in order of the gifts they get me. I bigger the gifts the more I meet up with them.

If I don't like their presents they get negative points and need to apologise before I'll see them.

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JayPritchet · 03/10/2022 19:52

My mum didn't get me an engagement present😅 and I can't imagine being so put out over a lack of excitement. No one cares about your wedding usually, or at least not much. Only you and DP. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/10/2022 19:53

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 19:21

We've invited around 150 people to the wedding. Most of which have accepted. We've not had any other comments about it being inconvenient. Yes, some people already has plans and can't make it which is absolutely fine.

The wedding is fairly local, between 10-40 mins for everyone and we're paying for transport. Overall people are excited to have NYE plans as they say its usually a bit of a non event. The group chat girls generally went to the local pub for NYE or one of us had a house party.

One of the other girls was planning her wedding for next November so if we delayed a year we'd have the same

You're paying for transport for 150 guests? How does that work? Do you own a taxi firm?

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SpeckofDustUponMySoul · 03/10/2022 19:56

If this is real, you come across as a petulant princess with an over-inflated sense of entitlement.

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 19:56

omarcoming · 03/10/2022 19:45

You're proving transport for all guests, including those 40 mins away from the venue?

Just checking because a 40 min taxi near me would cost £50+ each way on NYE. For that reason we wouldn't be able to afford it. Plus gift plus bar money etc.

It often costs £200 ish to attend a wedding even without transport, being on NYE would make it far more expensive.

We're putting coaches on there and back.

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Rainraindontgoaway · 03/10/2022 19:57

We were invited to a wedding on NYE a few years ago.
No children were allowed and as we have 2 children we did not go.
I might have been able to find childcare but I did not want to as I love celebrating NYE as a family, we always do something special.

I think you are naive if you think everyone doesn’t mind a NYE wedding, I expect you will get declines nearer the date unfortunately so please don’t be disappointed if you do.

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:00

YumYummy · 03/10/2022 19:46

I didn’t realise getting married just before a friend was an issue.

Me neither but there you go.

Also strange that our guests think a NYE wedding is a fab idea. Double celebrations! Loads saying all they ever do is watch jools holland then fo to bed so it's nice to have plans.

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:01

donquixotedelamancha · 03/10/2022 19:47

really I don't bother about engagement gifts

You ended 7 friendships over an unsatisfactory gift. Christ, what the hell would you have done if you were bothered- murdered their first born and salted their land?

Like I said, it wasn't really about the gift, monetary value etc. More the feeling of being treated differently.

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Mapletreelane · 03/10/2022 20:03

Controversial I know, but i think Xmas and New Years weddings are a pain. I spend my Xmas hosting family, thrn running all over the country seeing relatives, have to squeeze in a few days work,.not to mention I'm usually skint after Xmas so find having to fork out on gifts, accommodation hard to stomach. Guvr me wedding Feb to November I'll be there celebrating enthusiastically.

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ThisShitsBananas · 03/10/2022 20:04

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 19:56

We're putting coaches on there and back.

Do all the guests have to stick to a certain time to arrive and leave?

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:04

Rainraindontgoaway · 03/10/2022 19:57

We were invited to a wedding on NYE a few years ago.
No children were allowed and as we have 2 children we did not go.
I might have been able to find childcare but I did not want to as I love celebrating NYE as a family, we always do something special.

I think you are naive if you think everyone doesn’t mind a NYE wedding, I expect you will get declines nearer the date unfortunately so please don’t be disappointed if you do.

Everyone's kids are invited to our wedding.

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Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/10/2022 20:05

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 19:56

We're putting coaches on there and back.

How many pick up and drop off will that involve? I would still need to get to and from the drop off point in the middle of winter in a wedding outfit if I wasn't getting a taxi.
Just because your guests haven't said it's a bad idea it doesn't mean they're not thinking it.
A week after Christmas which is always an expensive time.
From your post I would say they don't value your friendship but you were rude about the gift.
But I think you're being naive if you can't see the problem about the timing of the wedding.

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HaveringWavering · 03/10/2022 20:07

People on here are totally miserable about both weddings and NYE! You've got the wrong audience.

Personally I think an NYE wedding is a brilliant idea- as you say, it's a bit of an anticlimax otherwise, lovely to have another occasion to combine it with.

You've got over a hundred people who do want to come to your wedding. The graze box gift was beyond shit and basically a big "fuck you" spelled out in stale chia seeds.

You're better off without them. Don't give them another thought.

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Stravaig · 03/10/2022 20:10

Absolutely, in hind site I should have walked away following the bullying incident. I've always been a bit of a pushover and am guilty of giving people too many chances. I honestly don't think I'm a terrible friend.

So a generous interpretation of your post is that you have trouble standing up for yourself, the present was the final straw, and you found it easier to fight about it than deal with more substantive issues?

If so, draw a line under what has happened with this group. Do some soul-searching, decide what you value, choose your friends more carefully, and don't be scared to prune when necessary.

It sounds like the wedding is local for most, which is good, less travel, no hotels. Will it just double as a NYE party? Despite RSVP's, be prepared for drop-outs nearer the time. People often accept invitations far in advance without much forethought.

Watch out for bridezilla tendencies as the wedding draws closer x

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phishy · 03/10/2022 20:12

@HaveringWavering I agree. I think OP’s wedding sounds great.

Providing free transport and inviting children is lovely. We did the same (although our coach travel was 4 hours!)

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BadNomad · 03/10/2022 20:13

Unless the coaches are dropping people off at their front door, people are going to need taxis for the rest of the way. Getting a taxi on New Year's is almost impossible and extremely expensive.

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burnoutbabe · 03/10/2022 20:14

The friend who messaged you is being a tad dramatic! "Last chance"
I mean it's a cyst removal. I had one and yes ovary removed too but I didn't consider it in any way that "those who wronged me" should make amends!

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:16

HaveringWavering · 03/10/2022 20:07

People on here are totally miserable about both weddings and NYE! You've got the wrong audience.

Personally I think an NYE wedding is a brilliant idea- as you say, it's a bit of an anticlimax otherwise, lovely to have another occasion to combine it with.

You've got over a hundred people who do want to come to your wedding. The graze box gift was beyond shit and basically a big "fuck you" spelled out in stale chia seeds.

You're better off without them. Don't give them another thought.

Thank you. I did expect some people would think IWBU however didn't quite expect some of the comments I guess based on the feedback we've had from our family and friends.

I did question my behaviour initially and felt terrible for commenting on the gift and leaving the group. Of course there was more to it than the events surrounding our engagement. As time has gone on I've been much happier away from the group. And I'm sure I won't be missed either by them. Hence the hesitance to contact the woman with the cyst.

It's a shit situation with no winners really.

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Harridan1981 · 03/10/2022 20:18

Amijustagrump · 03/10/2022 18:22

YABU you squeezed a wedding in just before your friends, chose an inconvenient date, had a strop about a present and are now ditching a friend who needs you.

It's a wedding, you all sound like you need to grow up

This

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