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AIBU?

Crappy engagement gift

195 replies

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:05

DP and I got engaged in April on the first day of our 3 week trip to Canada. I told my 7 closest friends in our group chat. They congratulated us and were delighted. I told them we were planning the wedding for this new years eve. I got a few comments about it being a bit quick. Some complained that they already had loads on this year due to rearranged gigs etc due to covid. I felt a bit disappointed by their reaction and not very supported.

2 of the other girls in the group got engaged at the end of last year so I was excited to be planning a wedding alongside my friends. One was getting married 5 weeks after me. She said I'd struggle to get a venue, celebrant etc. And would I not be better postponing a year.

When we got back from Canada one of the girls dropped off a gift that was a join gift from all the girls. We regularly chipped in for gifts as a group to get a bigger gift rather than loads of little one. The gift bag contained a sparkly photoframe (I'm not a glittery or trinkety person), a plant, a graze box, bar of chocolate and bag of coated nuts. I couldn't eat the nuts and half of the grazebox due to dietary reason which they were aware of. And the grazebox was stale/soggy so it actually went in the bin.

For one of the other girls we had chipped in for a gin distillery tour, gin tasting experience and dinner for her and her fiancé. The other girl got a similar gift.

For weeks it was really bothering me that I'd had such a thoughtless gift. Rather than left it fester I was honest with the girls and told them I felt a bit disappointed that the same thought and care hadn't gone into my gift. I was called rude,
ungrateful and accused of only caring about the monetary value. They pointed out that as my wedding was this year they couldn't afford to get 2 gifts. One girls engagement party was in June and her wedding is in Feb so there's the same of time between her engagement and wedding gift and mine. I was told if I didn't see how a wedding on new years eve was an inconvenience for people then i waa very shortsighted regardless of whether I was providing transport. I left the group chat.


I know times are hard for people just now but if they were truly skint they wouldn't go out for brunch/dinner/drinks every week. I know if it was me and I was struggling financially I'd sacrifice those things to be at my friends wedding.


I haven't spoken to them since June and they're not invited to our wedding.

Initially I was upset about this but my DP and parents have been really supportive of my decision and said they had never been very good friends anyway, it was their loss etc.

One of the girls has been diagnosed with a large cyst on her ovary. Her ovary has to be removed but she will be fine and should still be able to conceive. At the weekend one of the messaged me telling me J needed her friends right now and I should contact her. This was my last opportunity and she wouldn't be asking me again. I ignored the messages. I'm a being a bitch if I don't contact this girl? And was I being unreasonable to cut them out of my life?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

732 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
74%
You are NOT being unreasonable
26%
TedMullins · 03/10/2022 18:27

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:24

To be honest the engagement gift was the straw that broke the camels back. I think their whole attitude amd comments about our wedding is what's really bothered me. We didn't have an engagement party as I don't really see the point in them and really I don't bother about engagement gifts either. But I think to treat one friend different from the other is not really fair.

I do feel sorry for the girl who's having to have an op which is why I'm in 2 minds whether to contact her. I wouldn't want to restart the friendship though. After taking a step back and thinking about things she really wasn't a great friend and had some toxic traits. I wish her no ill. Would reaching out send the wrong message that I want to be friends again? What would be the best way to go about this?

just leave it. If you feel like they treated you badly, that doesn’t change just because one of them has an ailment. That doesn’t erase her past bad behaviour. I’ve cut people off for not meeting my expectations of friendship and I wouldn’t reinstate contact on the back of them being ill - them suffering doesn’t suddenly make them a better person.

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IWasFunBeforeMum · 03/10/2022 18:27

In 10 years will it be worth having fallen out with them over it?

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MysteriousMonkey · 03/10/2022 18:27

I wouldn't contact them. They have each other and it doesn't sound as if they felt the same way about your friendship as you did so I'd leave it as it is tbh.

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Jellycatspyjamas · 03/10/2022 18:27

I’d not be thrilled with a wedding on NYE, when I might have family plans the next day, everything is more expensive (eg accommodation if staying over, taxi fares if not), coming right on the back of Christmas expense. You can of course choose to get married whenever you like, and folk can choose not to like it. You’re friend gets married 5 weeks later so presumably there’s cross over in guests so no using the same outfit for both events, more expense.

I couldn’t not contact an old friend going through a serious medical issue, the original fall out was over nothing really, your friend is in need of support - I don’t know why you wouldn’t drop her a line.

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Rachie1973 · 03/10/2022 18:28

You sound horribly hard work. The present isn’t right, they’re not enthusiastic enough, she has another ovary.

is it ever you that’s a problem?

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35965a · 03/10/2022 18:28

Rachie1973 · 03/10/2022 18:28

You sound horribly hard work. The present isn’t right, they’re not enthusiastic enough, she has another ovary.

is it ever you that’s a problem?

Agree ^

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thefartingfish · 03/10/2022 18:29

group dynamics are complicated and often cover the lack of genuine friendship. I think these past events just showed you none of you are actually that good friends. Only now that one has had a medical crisis have they reached out, which says it all really.

And yes a single grazebox is not a present for anyone at anytime and I get the thoughtlessness would have been the killer blow.

Cut your losses and move on.

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WomanStanleyWoman2 · 03/10/2022 18:29

You don’t mention your fiancé much.

Eh? Why would she? The thread is about her friends.

If you were having an issue with your work colleague, would you pepper the thread with references to your children?

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Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 03/10/2022 18:30

Rachie1973 · 03/10/2022 18:28

You sound horribly hard work. The present isn’t right, they’re not enthusiastic enough, she has another ovary.

is it ever you that’s a problem?

This. It's you who sounds the issue.

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Mammed · 03/10/2022 18:30

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:24

To be honest the engagement gift was the straw that broke the camels back. I think their whole attitude amd comments about our wedding is what's really bothered me. We didn't have an engagement party as I don't really see the point in them and really I don't bother about engagement gifts either. But I think to treat one friend different from the other is not really fair.

I do feel sorry for the girl who's having to have an op which is why I'm in 2 minds whether to contact her. I wouldn't want to restart the friendship though. After taking a step back and thinking about things she really wasn't a great friend and had some toxic traits. I wish her no ill. Would reaching out send the wrong message that I want to be friends again? What would be the best way to go about this?

I wouldn't wanna open a message when I'm ill that basically says "I don't like you anymore but I'm sorry you're sick."

If you haven't spoken to any of them since June and managed to live your life perfectly fine then just carry on doing so and look forward to your wedding instead of festering over something that may or may not be your fault.

Just block them all & get on with your life.

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ShirleyPhallus · 03/10/2022 18:30

A graze box. Lol.

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sjxoxo · 03/10/2022 18:31

@WomanStanleyWoman2 thats exactly my point- the topic is far too much about her friends when actually the focus should be op and her fiancé! I don’t mean she needs to post about him specifically for the sake of the thread but more that the context is awry! x

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PeekAtYou · 03/10/2022 18:33

In your shoes I would contact the woman with the cyst. If you can't face a call then a card with some kind words would be fine.
I'm assuming that there is more baggage than the gift and lack of enthusiasm for NYE. The eating out might be all on credit and FOMO rather than a deliberate spend.
Enjoy planning your wedding without these women but I would take the unsubtle hint that I contact the women with the cyst so you don't become the villain who ditched her friend in her hour of need.

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CreepyDibillo · 03/10/2022 18:34

I would be fuming if a supposedly good friend stole my thunder and booked her wedding 5 weeks before my long-planned wedding. How many of the guests will be the same? That's probably at the root of it for the one who's getting married.

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DPotter · 03/10/2022 18:34

NYE sounds like an ideal time for a wedding, but and it's a big but, it's a busy & expensive time of year, with many people facing a 5 week month before the next pay day. And with the economic situation at the moment people are worried about how they will manage.

When you're in a group of friends of a similar age, it's not surprising there's lots of engagements and weddings all about the same time. It's great for the first, possibly the second, but by the time it gets to nos 6 & 7, the novelty is wearing off. People have started to realise how much each wedding costs and not surprisingly they start to tighten up a bit after the first few.

I honestly thought engagement presents had gone the way of the Ark, as usually they were small gifts for the bride's 'bottom drawer' as couples didn't live together. Indeed many of my friends, work colleagues etc have declined wedding gifts as they'd been living together for years, or asked we donate to their favourite charities.

I think you are being a bit precious about the gift and their reaction to your wedding date, understandably so, but precious nevertheless.

And I think you're letting this reaction adversely colour the news about your friend operation - call her, tell her your thinking of her and wish her well. And then take a deep breath, invite your friends around for an evening and apologise for being a bit of a bridezilla. This way you'll keep your friends and you'll be laughing about this years down the road

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ExtraOnions · 03/10/2022 18:34

All sounds a bit grabby …

I’ve never given a gift, expecting to get one in return.

Never lost a friendship over a present …

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willithappen · 03/10/2022 18:34

Without knowing about what they do that's toxic before this we can't really judge

But I agree with another poster that also the fact of squeezing a wedding in 5 weeks before your 'friend' is a bit shitty and they probably feel blind sighted. It's a lot at once and adding in that it's around Christmas time, cost of living and they now have their NY planned for them I can see why it's irritating

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FredinBread · 03/10/2022 18:35

Do you care about your friend? If yes, contact her. If you don't care about any of them, then don't.

Initially thought yeah thoughtless gift, but the you carried on comparing experiences. It is a bit difficult if one person isn't coordinating a larger group and a set amount and time frame etc, but then your last paragraph sounds quite callous.

I think I'd rather you didn't contact me and that I'd be better off without you Sorry that is harsh but ...

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GloriousGlory · 03/10/2022 18:35

Jesus I wouldn't be your friend!

FFS, how selfish and entitled are you!

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Wibbly1008 · 03/10/2022 18:36

Send her a generic text, saying how you are sorry to hear of her situation and you are sending are warm wishes.that’s it. Don’t reconnect just step back again.

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GloriousGlory · 03/10/2022 18:37

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:24

To be honest the engagement gift was the straw that broke the camels back. I think their whole attitude amd comments about our wedding is what's really bothered me. We didn't have an engagement party as I don't really see the point in them and really I don't bother about engagement gifts either. But I think to treat one friend different from the other is not really fair.

I do feel sorry for the girl who's having to have an op which is why I'm in 2 minds whether to contact her. I wouldn't want to restart the friendship though. After taking a step back and thinking about things she really wasn't a great friend and had some toxic traits. I wish her no ill. Would reaching out send the wrong message that I want to be friends again? What would be the best way to go about this?

Please don't contact her, she doesn't need you in her life.

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Blowyourowntrumpet · 03/10/2022 18:39

I wish you hadn't asked whether you're a bitch, because the answer is yes

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donttellmehesalive · 03/10/2022 18:40

The crap gift shows how pissed off they all are with you. They did a whip round and got about £20 and a pack of nuts. They didn't hear your news and feel excited, they felt annoyed that you planned it for five weeks before your friend's wedding.

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MrsPerfect12 · 03/10/2022 18:40

A new years wedding is a nightmare at an already expensive time.

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billy1966 · 03/10/2022 18:41

I think the gifts are a red herring here.

You haven't felt part of this group and the gifts re enforced that.

You importantly relief having moved on.

You can wish this woman the best silently, but if she has toxic tendencies, getting back in touch serves no purpose whatsoever.

Leave things as they are, move on, enjoy your wedding.

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