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AIBU?

Crappy engagement gift

195 replies

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:05

DP and I got engaged in April on the first day of our 3 week trip to Canada. I told my 7 closest friends in our group chat. They congratulated us and were delighted. I told them we were planning the wedding for this new years eve. I got a few comments about it being a bit quick. Some complained that they already had loads on this year due to rearranged gigs etc due to covid. I felt a bit disappointed by their reaction and not very supported.

2 of the other girls in the group got engaged at the end of last year so I was excited to be planning a wedding alongside my friends. One was getting married 5 weeks after me. She said I'd struggle to get a venue, celebrant etc. And would I not be better postponing a year.

When we got back from Canada one of the girls dropped off a gift that was a join gift from all the girls. We regularly chipped in for gifts as a group to get a bigger gift rather than loads of little one. The gift bag contained a sparkly photoframe (I'm not a glittery or trinkety person), a plant, a graze box, bar of chocolate and bag of coated nuts. I couldn't eat the nuts and half of the grazebox due to dietary reason which they were aware of. And the grazebox was stale/soggy so it actually went in the bin.

For one of the other girls we had chipped in for a gin distillery tour, gin tasting experience and dinner for her and her fiancé. The other girl got a similar gift.

For weeks it was really bothering me that I'd had such a thoughtless gift. Rather than left it fester I was honest with the girls and told them I felt a bit disappointed that the same thought and care hadn't gone into my gift. I was called rude,
ungrateful and accused of only caring about the monetary value. They pointed out that as my wedding was this year they couldn't afford to get 2 gifts. One girls engagement party was in June and her wedding is in Feb so there's the same of time between her engagement and wedding gift and mine. I was told if I didn't see how a wedding on new years eve was an inconvenience for people then i waa very shortsighted regardless of whether I was providing transport. I left the group chat.


I know times are hard for people just now but if they were truly skint they wouldn't go out for brunch/dinner/drinks every week. I know if it was me and I was struggling financially I'd sacrifice those things to be at my friends wedding.


I haven't spoken to them since June and they're not invited to our wedding.

Initially I was upset about this but my DP and parents have been really supportive of my decision and said they had never been very good friends anyway, it was their loss etc.

One of the girls has been diagnosed with a large cyst on her ovary. Her ovary has to be removed but she will be fine and should still be able to conceive. At the weekend one of the messaged me telling me J needed her friends right now and I should contact her. This was my last opportunity and she wouldn't be asking me again. I ignored the messages. I'm a being a bitch if I don't contact this girl? And was I being unreasonable to cut them out of my life?

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

732 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
74%
You are NOT being unreasonable
26%
TabithaTittlemouse · 03/10/2022 19:18

@PCPrincipless fuck them all

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phishy · 03/10/2022 19:19

Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/10/2022 19:17

It says closest friends in the op

Yes, but she also says they weren’t good friends.

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ilovesooty · 03/10/2022 19:20

ChocolateCakeYum · 03/10/2022 18:21

I think you’re all as bad as each other. None of you seem to be all that caring (them in you with the crap thoughtless gift and you in them with your ability to shrug off someone’s serious, and possibly life threatening, medical ailment). Best off apart really.

That was my reaction too.

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Wheresmymoneytree · 03/10/2022 19:21

I wouldn’t personally attend any wedding on a special date because I have routines that I look forward to. I look forward to what we do on new year and I would be disappointed to miss it to go along with other peoples plans. Christmas is also just before new year so I would be skint too, I wouldn’t have had a payday in between so it would be a struggle, a years notice to save would be handy.

It was rude to say you didn’t like the present, they got what they could at what sounds like short notice, maybe they didn’t have the budget.

And no matter what else was going on between me and my friends if one of them was ill you couldn’t stop me contacting them. The fact you aren’t bothered to shows you aren’t their friend.

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 19:21

We've invited around 150 people to the wedding. Most of which have accepted. We've not had any other comments about it being inconvenient. Yes, some people already has plans and can't make it which is absolutely fine.

The wedding is fairly local, between 10-40 mins for everyone and we're paying for transport. Overall people are excited to have NYE plans as they say its usually a bit of a non event. The group chat girls generally went to the local pub for NYE or one of us had a house party.

One of the other girls was planning her wedding for next November so if we delayed a year we'd have the same

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Hotpotatohotpotato1 · 03/10/2022 19:22

I'd have been really annoyed if a close friend planned their wedding five weeks before mine and on NYE. Im guessing there will be hen dos etc so it's a lot for everyone and expensive. It sounds like they politely tried to encourage you to have your wedding later and you're annoyed they weren't more supportive. YAB totally U. Although the gift was a bit crappy.

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SofaSurferfinder · 03/10/2022 19:25

One of your closest friends bullied you , and you call them a closest friend.

sounds like you have underlying issues with them anyway .

To fall out with friends over a gift is ridiculous, , to be honest I think they are better off without you as part of the group .

if I bothered to get a gift (they must have thought it was nice ) and someone said it was crap I’d be like , see ya .

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 19:26

Issue of 2 weddings close together.

I can see that my friend may be pissed off or think I was up staging her or whatever. I guess I didn't see it that way. Our tastes are completely different, toty differentc styles of weddings. I honestly didn't think it would be a problem.

We tried to cover as many costs as possible. People don't need new outfits for weddings. It's nice sure but not a requirement.

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BadNomad · 03/10/2022 19:28

People don't need new outfits for weddings. It's nice sure but not a requirement.

Right. But seeing as your wedding comes first, it means people will be re-wearing their outfits to your friend's wedding. In the photographs for everyone to see.

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ThisShitsBananas · 03/10/2022 19:29

I wouldn’t go to yours if I had already accepted an invite to a wedding 5 weeks after. It’s expensive. Babysitting, travel, accommodation, spending money, outfit, not to mention having to try and book holiday at work that close together! I can see why you’re friends are annoyed. Plus it’s New Year’s Eve. No one wants to be at a bloody wedding in New Year’s Eve.

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Honeyroar · 03/10/2022 19:32

I’d just send a card. Nothing else. Don’t invite them to the wedding. Don’t reignite the friendships.

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Noteverybodylives · 03/10/2022 19:34

YABU

You are literally just thinking of yourself and your wedding.

You have fallen out with your friends all because they didn’t get you a big enough gift.

You sound very selfish and it sounds as though these ladies have had a lucky escape.

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 19:34

SofaSurferfinder · 03/10/2022 19:25

One of your closest friends bullied you , and you call them a closest friend.

sounds like you have underlying issues with them anyway .

To fall out with friends over a gift is ridiculous, , to be honest I think they are better off without you as part of the group .

if I bothered to get a gift (they must have thought it was nice ) and someone said it was crap I’d be like , see ya .

I didn't class her as a close friend but she was part of the group of friends. I was always a food friend to her until it got to the point I had to take a step back.

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Stravaig · 03/10/2022 19:35

I don't know what the best thing for you to do is, OP. But to offer a perspective from someone quite unlike you -

My heart sank as soon as I read 'my 7 closest friends'. Sure enough, by the end of the post, they've never been very good friends, it's their loss, and you've cut them out of your life. That's fast to ditch them for true friends, or it's a lot of drama for random people you're sort of friendly with. Quality not quantity! Time to review what friendship actually means to you, and adjust your circle to match.

NYE is an intense time for most people. Many will have their own special plans, with their loved ones, which absolutely do not involve your wedding. And the more misanthropic folks (me!) might prefer to hunker down in blissful solitude and not feel forced into a obligatory social event. It's also an incredibly expensive and busy time for travel and hotels, and difficult to arrange childcare.

Comparing engagement gifts and choosing a date close to another weddings - both seem distasteful to me. But they are part of a wedding world that skews towards ugly behaviour anyway, so 🤷‍♀️

True friendship would step up for a friend with serious medical concerns. Everything you complain about in your OP is insignificant by comparison. But if there is a history of bullying, you should have ended these friendships long ago. Only you can know.

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 19:36

BadNomad · 03/10/2022 19:28

People don't need new outfits for weddings. It's nice sure but not a requirement.

Right. But seeing as your wedding comes first, it means people will be re-wearing their outfits to your friend's wedding. In the photographs for everyone to see.

They don't need to get new outfits for any of the weddings.

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oopsfellover · 03/10/2022 19:36

I'd have let the disappointing gift go - who cares, really? - but it sounds like the whole situation has caused you to reevaluate these friendships. If you think discarding six close friendships is the right thing to do, go with your instinct. I think you sound a bit too intense about it all though.

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londonrach · 03/10/2022 19:37

Yabu. Never ever ever heard of engagement presents.

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Iwantachange · 03/10/2022 19:40

I wonder how this thread would look from the other perspective


are we BU to be peeved with ex good friend who had a tantrum and left the group chat because we didn't make enough fuss over her new engagement? Money is tight with all the rescheduled covid events and another friends wedding and obviously cost of living, so we tried to give her a nice engagement gift. OK we spend less than on others gifts, but that's all we could afford with the shortt notice, and surely it's the thought that counts? We tried to nicely tell he rthat her shirt notice for the wedding+new year date+friends wedding 5 weeks later make it hard to celebrate with her, but she wouldn't take the hint. One of us got in contact with her to let her know one member of the friendship group had a serious health scare and if she didn't get in contact with that friend that would burn any bridges left, but she didn't even respond. Are we unreasonable to think we are better off without her in the group...

And would probably be a unanimous agreement that the OP is a heartless selfish woman with the emotional maturity of a toddler

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Anonymouslyposting · 03/10/2022 19:42

I absolutely HATE NYE weddings. I’ll go if I’m close enough to the person to not want to lose the relationship but honestly there are almost no circumstances under which I want to go to a wedding anytime in that Christmas to New Year window.

First, accommodation is hard to find and expensive. Second, transport is a nightmare if you don’t drive or want to drink. Third, most people have just spent a week on family commitments and quite frankly I don’t want to be forced into anymore jollity. Fourth, money is tight then and depending on the wedding attending can be really expensive. Last, lots of people have their own NYE traditions that they look forward to and don’t want to miss.

Obviously, when you have your wedding is completely up to you and your fiancé but I’d definitely groan if I was invited.

It does sound like they cheaped out on your engagement present. I’m another one that wouldn’t expect an engagement present as my friends/family don’t do them but if your group does do them I’d expect something equivalent to what we’d got others. However, as a NYE wedding is likely to be more expensive and inconvenient I have some sympathy for your friends - personally I’d suck it up and still buy you a nice present but again I wouldn’t be happy. I also wouldn’t throw away multiple friendships over a less than perfect gift and would be mortified at being so rude as to criticise them for not giving you as much as you think you deserve.

Re the ill friend, in her shoes I wouldn’t really want to hear from you after you bitched about a gift, didn’t invite me to your wedding and are still sulking about it months later. I’d get in touch if you think it would genuinely make her feel better or if you do want to reestablish the friendship but if not I wouldn’t bother. She has other friends who are clearly closer and you’d just be doing it to make yourself feel virtuous rather than because you particularly care about her.

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Ffsmakeitstop · 03/10/2022 19:42

I've still got some engagement gifts and I've been married 40 years. They sound like horrible mean girls and you're better off without them.
As for the one who is ill having an illness does not turn you into a saint. She obviously agreed with getting you a thoughtless gift and it is thoughtless.
Go with your gut op and cut them out.

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Anonymouslyposting · 03/10/2022 19:44

Oh the one thing I do agree with you on though OP is that the fact someone else is getting married 5 weeks after your date is not something anyone should be annoyed about - it’s not like it’s the day before and will steal attention or anything!

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drpet49 · 03/10/2022 19:44

“They have been taken aback by your announcement. If I’d got a wedding planned and then one of my best friends wedged hers in 5 weeks before my date, I’d be pissed off too.”

I suspect this is the issue.

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omarcoming · 03/10/2022 19:45

You're proving transport for all guests, including those 40 mins away from the venue?

Just checking because a 40 min taxi near me would cost £50+ each way on NYE. For that reason we wouldn't be able to afford it. Plus gift plus bar money etc.

It often costs £200 ish to attend a wedding even without transport, being on NYE would make it far more expensive.

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DiddlyDoris · 03/10/2022 19:45

Is this a joke?

You sound so ungrateful and uncaring!

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YumYummy · 03/10/2022 19:46

I didn’t realise getting married just before a friend was an issue.

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