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AIBU?

Crappy engagement gift

195 replies

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 18:05

DP and I got engaged in April on the first day of our 3 week trip to Canada. I told my 7 closest friends in our group chat. They congratulated us and were delighted. I told them we were planning the wedding for this new years eve. I got a few comments about it being a bit quick. Some complained that they already had loads on this year due to rearranged gigs etc due to covid. I felt a bit disappointed by their reaction and not very supported.

2 of the other girls in the group got engaged at the end of last year so I was excited to be planning a wedding alongside my friends. One was getting married 5 weeks after me. She said I'd struggle to get a venue, celebrant etc. And would I not be better postponing a year.

When we got back from Canada one of the girls dropped off a gift that was a join gift from all the girls. We regularly chipped in for gifts as a group to get a bigger gift rather than loads of little one. The gift bag contained a sparkly photoframe (I'm not a glittery or trinkety person), a plant, a graze box, bar of chocolate and bag of coated nuts. I couldn't eat the nuts and half of the grazebox due to dietary reason which they were aware of. And the grazebox was stale/soggy so it actually went in the bin.

For one of the other girls we had chipped in for a gin distillery tour, gin tasting experience and dinner for her and her fiancé. The other girl got a similar gift.

For weeks it was really bothering me that I'd had such a thoughtless gift. Rather than left it fester I was honest with the girls and told them I felt a bit disappointed that the same thought and care hadn't gone into my gift. I was called rude,
ungrateful and accused of only caring about the monetary value. They pointed out that as my wedding was this year they couldn't afford to get 2 gifts. One girls engagement party was in June and her wedding is in Feb so there's the same of time between her engagement and wedding gift and mine. I was told if I didn't see how a wedding on new years eve was an inconvenience for people then i waa very shortsighted regardless of whether I was providing transport. I left the group chat.


I know times are hard for people just now but if they were truly skint they wouldn't go out for brunch/dinner/drinks every week. I know if it was me and I was struggling financially I'd sacrifice those things to be at my friends wedding.


I haven't spoken to them since June and they're not invited to our wedding.

Initially I was upset about this but my DP and parents have been really supportive of my decision and said they had never been very good friends anyway, it was their loss etc.

One of the girls has been diagnosed with a large cyst on her ovary. Her ovary has to be removed but she will be fine and should still be able to conceive. At the weekend one of the messaged me telling me J needed her friends right now and I should contact her. This was my last opportunity and she wouldn't be asking me again. I ignored the messages. I'm a being a bitch if I don't contact this girl? And was I being unreasonable to cut them out of my life?

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Am I being unreasonable?

732 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
74%
You are NOT being unreasonable
26%
Stravaig · 03/10/2022 20:18

A local wedding with coaches and kids which doubles as a Hogmanay party sounds lovely! & I'm a curmudgeonly misanthrope who dodges weddings, and parties.

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Nodancingshoes · 03/10/2022 20:18

I would be quite excited if a friend had a NYE wedding. There is so much pressure to do something on this night- a wedding would be ideal! In my experience, weddings bring out the worst in all types of people. People feel upstaged for no reason and it leads to fall outs. That present does sound crap. I wouldn't normally care about presents but if your group usually buys thoughtful gifts them that would stand out as abit thoughtless. If you are happier without these friends then leave it be.

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fruitstick · 03/10/2022 20:18

NYE wedding aside, these do sound like terrible friends you're well rid of.

Close friends don't bully each other, or allow their friends to be bullied by others.

I'm glad you stood up to them.

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Rachie1973 · 03/10/2022 20:20

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 19:21

We've invited around 150 people to the wedding. Most of which have accepted. We've not had any other comments about it being inconvenient. Yes, some people already has plans and can't make it which is absolutely fine.

The wedding is fairly local, between 10-40 mins for everyone and we're paying for transport. Overall people are excited to have NYE plans as they say its usually a bit of a non event. The group chat girls generally went to the local pub for NYE or one of us had a house party.

One of the other girls was planning her wedding for next November so if we delayed a year we'd have the same

Your wedding would still be AFTER your friends, with time to financially plan. They told you they can’t afford an engagement gift AND a wedding gift in the same year.

as to your cousin with a. Wedding a week later, you’ve upstaged her too. Can you not see that?

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phishy · 03/10/2022 20:22

Rachie1973 · 03/10/2022 20:20

Your wedding would still be AFTER your friends, with time to financially plan. They told you they can’t afford an engagement gift AND a wedding gift in the same year.

as to your cousin with a. Wedding a week later, you’ve upstaged her too. Can you not see that?

It would be madness for OP delay her wedding by a year to benefit some so called friends who gave her a stale Graze box as an engagement gift, after OP shelled out for more extravagant group presents.

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Workawayxx · 03/10/2022 20:24

I’d quite like a NYE wedding! I think it sounds like the friendship has run it’s course with the bullying, rubbish present etc. I would focus on better friends in general but send the ex friend with a cyst a card. You never know how things may turn out in future and it’s better to be kind if it costs little than burn bridges.

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Rainraindontgoaway · 03/10/2022 20:25

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:04

Everyone's kids are invited to our wedding.

That’s nice and really considerate for families with children. Have an amazing time x

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Nodancingshoes · 03/10/2022 20:25

Rachie1973 · 03/10/2022 20:20

Your wedding would still be AFTER your friends, with time to financially plan. They told you they can’t afford an engagement gift AND a wedding gift in the same year.

as to your cousin with a. Wedding a week later, you’ve upstaged her too. Can you not see that?

Problem is, in yours 20's (which I presume the op is) is when alot of people in friendship groups amd families get married. The wedding is probably going to be close to someone else's wedding whenever it is. Saying that, I do remember being a little put out when my SIL planned her wedding for a month before mine 😉 mine was better tho so....🤣🤣

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CaptainThe95thRifles · 03/10/2022 20:27

This thread is fascinating. Whilst your friendship group's dynamic doesn't sound like my sort of thing, I can understand why you were hurt by your friends' reactions to your wedding and the strange collection of engagement gifts.

Mostly, though, I'm baffled by the text from your ex-friend, and the idea on here that someone who is ill would necessarily want to be contacted by random ex-friends out of pity. I personally can't imagine anything worse!

I also find the weird wedding competitiveness strange - why on earth would it matter if your friend slipped their wedding in before yours, or someone plans their wedding for NYE? If it's not convenient, make a polite excuse and don't go.

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:27

phishy · 03/10/2022 20:12

@HaveringWavering I agree. I think OP’s wedding sounds great.

Providing free transport and inviting children is lovely. We did the same (although our coach travel was 4 hours!)

Thanks!

Have we been selfish picking NYE as our wedding date? Maybe. But it's our wedding and the date is significant to us. We love the idea of celebrating with everyone then starting the NY as husband and wife. We've tried our best to accommodate everyone. Of course we can't please everyone.

I honestly didn't think a 5 week gap was that much of an issue. Maybe naivety on my part.

I didn't think it was too much to expect my closest friends to be excited about my wedding.

I guess those who want to be there will. Whether that's on the coach provided, driving, a new or old outfit. The most important thing is us getting married. I thought I was over the fall out with the group but the messages from that girl has just brought it all to the surface again.

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Maireas · 03/10/2022 20:28

The Graze Box is a strange one. Is that a gift nowadays?
You refer to yourself and your friends as "girls" - how old are you? I think there's a lot of immature behaviour going on here.

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:29

Rachie1973 · 03/10/2022 20:20

Your wedding would still be AFTER your friends, with time to financially plan. They told you they can’t afford an engagement gift AND a wedding gift in the same year.

as to your cousin with a. Wedding a week later, you’ve upstaged her too. Can you not see that?

My cousin planned their wedding after ours.

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Allthestarsabovemyhead · 03/10/2022 20:30

I think it’s unfair they’ve put so much thought and effort with everyone else’s gift and not yours. They clearly do not like you. It’s not necessarily about the gifts but no thought went into it.

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PinkPanther50 · 03/10/2022 20:32

HaveringWavering · 03/10/2022 20:07

People on here are totally miserable about both weddings and NYE! You've got the wrong audience.

Personally I think an NYE wedding is a brilliant idea- as you say, it's a bit of an anticlimax otherwise, lovely to have another occasion to combine it with.

You've got over a hundred people who do want to come to your wedding. The graze box gift was beyond shit and basically a big "fuck you" spelled out in stale chia seeds.

You're better off without them. Don't give them another thought.

This!
I totally get what you mean about the gift, it’s not the actual gift but it’s the difference in the thought put in behind the gift. I also don’t understand why so many pp have commented that having a wedding 5 weeks before a friends is wrong. Is there an acceptable time frame written down somewhere?? I would send a card just saying heard you were ill, hope you get better kind of thing and leave it at that. I hope you have a lovely wedding at the time most people will be sat watching Jools Holland 😆

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:33

Maireas · 03/10/2022 20:28

The Graze Box is a strange one. Is that a gift nowadays?
You refer to yourself and your friends as "girls" - how old are you? I think there's a lot of immature behaviour going on here.

We're in our mid 30s. We referred to ourselves as "the girls". Old habits die hard I guess.

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Maireas · 03/10/2022 20:35

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:33

We're in our mid 30s. We referred to ourselves as "the girls". Old habits die hard I guess.

Mid 30s. Right.
Have you found the friendship group to be supportive in the past?

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Maireas · 03/10/2022 20:36

MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:01

Like I said, it wasn't really about the gift, monetary value etc. More the feeling of being treated differently.

It is about the gift, though, isn't it?

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:36

Allthestarsabovemyhead · 03/10/2022 20:30

I think it’s unfair they’ve put so much thought and effort with everyone else’s gift and not yours. They clearly do not like you. It’s not necessarily about the gifts but no thought went into it.

Exactly. If they'd chipped in £3 each for a £20 cinema voucher that would have been more suitable than stale snacks or snacks I can't eat. With the same respect, if they got everyone nothing I also wouldn't have been bothered. It's the feeling of being treated differently that bothered me.

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wannabeamummysobad · 03/10/2022 20:36

@MrsMcT YANBU. I'd be so upset if my friends showed such blatant favouritism. You deserve better.

Your friend who had the ovary removed - it's sad but that doesn't detract from how she and the rest of them have made you feel.

Finally for those saying 5 weeks before your friends wedding is unfair I can't help but laugh. When I was 29 I had weddings and hen dos across two friend groups most weekends between May to start of September (8 weddings and hen dos). It's normal and to be expected as most people get married in a very small window of time. You selecting NYE is actually great- I'd love it. One less thing to plan as pre kids it was so stressful deciding what to do.

Good luck with planning your wedding. Have an amazing time.

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Milesty1 · 03/10/2022 20:39

I think planning a wedding 5 weeks before your friend despite getting engaged much later is strange behaviour and NYE is not a good date for a wedding where you expect guests to come. But then they shouldn’t have been petty about it, they should have just told you.

If you don’t want to be friends with them then I wouldn’t reach out to the one who is ill- but you will need to be sure as there won’t be any going back if you don’t reach out.

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:40

Maireas · 03/10/2022 20:35

Mid 30s. Right.
Have you found the friendship group to be supportive in the past?

In some instances yes, in others no.

When I told them I was moving in with DP half were supportive and half said we were moving too fast. We moved in together after 8 months. We've known each other from school.

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Katypyee · 03/10/2022 20:47

I think some of the comments you have received are unfair. It is okay to be disappointed by the gift. I think I would have been to, considering what your other friends received.

I think perhaps they could have gone about things a little more tactfully. I can see how your friend getting married 5 weeks after you might feel like you have stolen her thunder a bit but it wouldn't bother me.

My DH and I got married on NYE (funnily enough, in Canada) and it was a wonderful way to celebrate NYE with family and friends without the usual pressure of finding something to do on that night.

From what you have posted, I think you were right to cut ties. If you would feel better texting the friend. You could just text to wish them well. You don't have to become friends again.

Congratulations on the engagement. I hope your NYE wedding is a wonderful day for you both.

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Snugglemonkey · 03/10/2022 20:49

Yes you are being unreasonable! You sound like a terrible friend and a NYE wedding without at least a years notice is a real imposition. I wouldn't go. Usually I would send a gift if not attending, but not at NYE.

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AisforApplePie · 03/10/2022 20:52

Why are people so weird about weddings? Who cares if yours is 5 weeks before? “Upstaged”, honestly, I don’t get why people are so competitive about bloody weddings.

OP, have YOUR wedding when YOU want, where YOU want and and how YOU want it. You’re the one getting married, you’re the one who will think about the day for the rest of your life, don’t change your plans to suit someone who might not even be in your life a year later. Ignore anyone telling you that you can’t have it xyz because someone else is having their a week later or 5 weeks later or whatever. True friends don’t give a shit when you’re wedding is or how close!

it sounds like you’re better off not being friends BUT if I were in your shoes I’d reach out to J and wish her well.

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MrsMcT · 03/10/2022 20:54

Katypyee · 03/10/2022 20:47

I think some of the comments you have received are unfair. It is okay to be disappointed by the gift. I think I would have been to, considering what your other friends received.

I think perhaps they could have gone about things a little more tactfully. I can see how your friend getting married 5 weeks after you might feel like you have stolen her thunder a bit but it wouldn't bother me.

My DH and I got married on NYE (funnily enough, in Canada) and it was a wonderful way to celebrate NYE with family and friends without the usual pressure of finding something to do on that night.

From what you have posted, I think you were right to cut ties. If you would feel better texting the friend. You could just text to wish them well. You don't have to become friends again.

Congratulations on the engagement. I hope your NYE wedding is a wonderful day for you both.

Thank you so much.

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