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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult sibling jealousy

345 replies

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:03

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

OP posts:
Anytimeiseeit · 03/10/2022 13:05

She earns more than you but thinks you should pay for her family to go? She’s being incredibly cheeky. I thought this post was going to be about the other sister being jealous, but it’s actually the more well off one being jealous! She’s being awful to you IMO

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:07

to clarify the daughter earns 40k her partner earns 70k !

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 03/10/2022 13:07

Does DD1 like DD2? Doesn't seem like it. If she genuinely liked her, she would want her on your family holiday and wouldn't mind you paying for her. It looks like their relationship isn't just this great. Was this big holiday your idea?

CheezePleeze · 03/10/2022 13:08

YANBU, I'd be utterly ashamed of her selfish attitude if I was her mum.

I'd also remind her that if anything drastically changes in her life, she could be in exactly the same position as her sister. I mean being unmarried could cause problems for a start, if her and her DP split up.

But apart from that, illness/accident or anything really.

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:10

its something and somewhere we have always talked about, so not just mine no.

OP posts:
drpet49 · 03/10/2022 13:10

DD1 has a joint income of 110k

DD2 works part time and claims UC as she is a single mum and has no help from the father or his family.

Your DD1 is a disgrace. Stick to your guns here OP.

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:12

@CheezePleeze yes, I am angry and ashamed of her attitude.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2022 13:12

I wouldn’t go. It’s already being ruined and everything will be a battle - means, activities, childcare. Don’t bin it off.

xogossipgirlxo · 03/10/2022 13:12

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:10

its something and somewhere we have always talked about, so not just mine no.

Seems like all was fine until she found out. Seems incredibly petty.

xogossipgirlxo · 03/10/2022 13:12

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/10/2022 13:12

I wouldn’t go. It’s already being ruined and everything will be a battle - means, activities, childcare. Don’t bin it off.

I agree.

maddy68 · 03/10/2022 13:13

I actually agree with her.

If you can afford to pay for them both then do that , if you can't , then pay for your "poor" daughter but contribute in a different way to the "richer" daughter.

LT2 · 03/10/2022 13:18

Hmm, it's difficult. My siblings and I are all quite similar in what we earn and what we own, so this sort of issue has never popped up. However, my mum is careful to treat us all the same. If we are ever stuck and need help, financially, she will lend. However, any time she has given money for us to keep, she's given an equal share to us all.
I do think your daughter is being unreasonable though, as she has a particular high household income, that a lot of people can only dream of.

CheezePleeze · 03/10/2022 13:18

maddy68 · 03/10/2022 13:13

I actually agree with her.

If you can afford to pay for them both then do that , if you can't , then pay for your "poor" daughter but contribute in a different way to the "richer" daughter.

Why the fuck would she do that? Confused

They're not toddlers anymore where the OP might buy them a bag of Pick 'N Mix and make sure they were completely even.

They're grown women. One needs the OP's help and the other one doesn't.

You'd be mad to pander to that sort of selfish behaviour 'just because'.

maddy68 · 03/10/2022 13:19

I think she feels that you are favouring the other daughter. This isn't about money. This is about hurt feelings.

You probably spend a lot of time helping her with child care as well and this is another blow.

She doesn't really care about the money talk to her sensibly. Take her out for a nice lunch just the two of you do she has some mum time with you

HunterHearstHelmsley · 03/10/2022 13:21

I can see where she's coming from. I doubt she actually wants you to pay, it's more than any and all support seems to be offered to her sister.

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:21

@maddy68 I think you are partly right, but she has in laws who look after her children I do what I can I also work 32hrs a week.

OP posts:
Hymnulop · 03/10/2022 13:22

maddy68 · 03/10/2022 13:19

I think she feels that you are favouring the other daughter. This isn't about money. This is about hurt feelings.

You probably spend a lot of time helping her with child care as well and this is another blow.

She doesn't really care about the money talk to her sensibly. Take her out for a nice lunch just the two of you do she has some mum time with you

This. She thinks you favour her In general, it's not about the money.

If you have the chat and it turns out it really does come down to money then return to your ashamed and angry feelings because that's really sad and awful.

britneyisfree · 03/10/2022 13:22

It's not going to work. Cancel the holiday or just go with poorer daughter. Eldest is putting you in a horrid position. She sounds quite unkind.

WoodlandPM · 03/10/2022 13:23

Why does everyone know everyone's salaries??

Endlesssummer2022 · 03/10/2022 13:26

‘There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work.’

I’m going against the grain here. I think you do favour the other DD more. From above it doesn’t look like it’s about money, it’s about general help. I don’t think she really expects you to pay for her holiday but do you ever offer to babysit for her or help in other ways or is all help directed to the other child? From the way you write about her, the tone seems as though you may have an issue with the wealthier one. Do you talk about her to the single mother DD?

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:26

@WoodlandPM please dont sabotage this post and turn it into something else, start your own if you want the answer to your questions!

OP posts:
sourgreenplums · 03/10/2022 13:26

I think the money side of things is ridiculous, she clearly doesn't get on too well with her sister otherwise she'd be pleased that they get to spend the time together.
However, I just want to make the point that sometimes " helping out" in terms of childcare and physically and mentally helping with things, can make family members closer and in terms of relationships you are strengthening a bond. That's a silver lining to a tricky situation, but sometimes there's less emotional energy left for other family members who are not "struggling" in the same way, and consequently can miss out on things, and harvest resentment.

Kaybeeeee · 03/10/2022 13:26

I think you need to take a step back and realise that this incident isn’t solely about you paying for daughter #2.
It reads to me like DD1 has boiled over with resentment on how your actions favour DD2.

You offer DD2 significant childcare assistance - have you helped DD1? Did your care for DD2’s children cut into the time you had available to spend with DD1’s children?

You say that DD2 was in a horrible long term coercive relationship. How much of your time and energy was spent worrying about DD2? When you were spending time with DD1, did you spend time with her or were you offloading your worries about DD2 to her?

You offer DD2 significant money for a holiday, but offer nothing to DD1.

Yes, rationally an outsider can see that DD2 needs/needed more support, but that doesn’t mean DD1 has no needs. As a child, even as an adult child, it is never nice to feel like your parent has endless resources (time/money/love/care) for a sibling and you are left with scraps…

DD1 can probably rationally understand that her life circumstances are superior to her sister’s, but don’t be fooled into thinking that DD1 is solely upset because you haven’t offered her money for a holiday.

PaperPalace · 03/10/2022 13:27

My mum has two brothers. The income disparity between them is huge - one brother very successful, one brother on benefits, my mum somewhere in the middle. Their parents (no longer alive) treated them the same and left them equal portions in their wills.

I agree with pp that this isn't just about money. The richer daughter maybe feels that you love the poorer daughter more than her?