Adult sibling jealousy

[AuntMargo]

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

@TheVeryLastUsername - everything you have said is totally made up by you.

You have no idea if OP has treated her DDs differently growing up.

One DD has done very well educationally & financially - she & her DH get paid well, they have multiple properties (which OP gave her some money for).

The other DD is a single parent, been in an abusive relationship and only has a part time job. She wants to help her by giving her money for a holiday which is lovely.

@AuntMargo I can't believe your elder daughter's attitude, she sounds really selfish.

My DPs help out my DSis from time to time (holidays and big spends like a new roof). Myself and my DB are both financially better off than her (our own careers and high earning partners). We do not take umbrage with our DPs or our DSis for giving or receiving financial help.

Older daughter needs to get over herself. Tell her you've taken on board her views and will pay for everyone, then take them all to a SUN holidays £9.99 caravan. I bet your single parent daughter would still appreciate it and the spoilt well off one will turn her nose up at it.

You’ve had a hard time of it here Op, but I can see where you’re coming from.
Being fair Isn’t always about being equal. One of your Daughters needs more help and support from you due to her circumstances. It’s not because you favour this Daughter over the other.
Your eldest needs to see this and stop being so entitled. One day she may need more support from you than your younger Daughter and I’m sure you will willingly give it.

I’ve been the younger daughter in your scenario and a close family member has been too. We’ve had more support from families than say our siblings/in laws, but it’s only due to circumstances not favouritism.

@Pipsquiggle I haven’t made anything up, I was giving the op an example of my own family dynamic and experience to offer another perspective. Not that I agree with her older daughter’s attitude and demands. I obviously don’t know the OP’s own family dynamics or how her children were raised. Just that there might be something more going on with her daughter emotionally potentially for her to react so badly. I don’t understand why she wouldn’t want to help her sibling but I do understand why she might feel resentful.

And there it is:

We’ve had more support from families than say our siblings/in laws, but it’s only due to circumstances not favouritism

At least you had the decency to be honest about the extra help. Quite frankly extended help, free childcare and resources pooled towards one child is grotesquely unfair. It is acceptable to you because you benefit directly from it, as do many of the other pp supporting op's actions and decisions.

Whichever way you dress this up it will always be unfair. Every parent should be aiming for fairness around time, love and attention. It seems to me that many are quite happy to let the division, resentment and anger deepen and the damage continue. It is sad so many people are seemingly unaware of the pain it causes.

Well the daughter who pays is rich maybe squeezed with cost of living, 40% tax, lack of family time as always working. It is difficult also for her being a working mom perhaps? I would cancel and do two seperate hols which are cheap!

Just another perspective on this- not sure if it's been discussed yet.

Regardless of whether this is about the money / jealousy / fairness etc... I could be described as dd1 in your story. I would never ask my parents what she has asked of you BUT my partner and I are very worried about the current economic climate and what that means for how far our income will go. On the surface, we look like we are well off (and I know we are) but we have money commitments that my less well-off sister doesn't have. That's a choice we have made and we stand by them, but there could be money worries in the household (same as in your dd2's) and those worries are fuelling the issue here. I sometimes resent that people think that because we have decent incomes, we can just afford to do stuff...

It's a private matter, so your dd might not want to discuss, but could you offer to postpone the holiday? That way, you can help her without having to pay for everything.

As a side note, I do think it's a bit strange to offer to pay for the whole holiday cost for one daughter and nothing for the other- I don’t think my parents would do that even with the disparity in incomes- they would likely just suggest somewhere we could all afford or not suggest anything at all!

I think the people on here who are being disparaging about OP helping out her DD2 with holiday money must have had an imbalance with their DPs resources growing up e.g. money, love, time etc

TBH - unless both OP's DDs come on here to give their version of their truth we will never know the full picture

Being fair does not necessarily mean being equal.

Looks like over 80% of people agree with OP so all the naysayers need to reflect that their less fortunate DP/sibling relations are not the norm.

Spending time with grandchildren means more than what any money can buy. If you were my parent, I'd be way annoyed and hurt that you were looking after the other grandchildren and not mine. Whether or not dd1 or dd2 work, it should be even not more because one is not working. Maybe look after both children evenly to equalise the relationship? Also, if dd who doesn't work, maybe she can contribute rather than being given it all?

@kissingfrogs - sometimes circumstances are relevant and unavoidable though. For example I have friends who were oldest dc in family - when they had kids their parents were still working full time so they couldn't help much with childcare. Second dc hasn't had kids. Third dc has now had kids and parents are retired so help out quite a bit - should they refuse on the basis they didn't help one and two?

Other way around - friend had a lot of help with childcare from her dm - dm is now very ill with cancer so can't help friends younger dsis with her kids - should ill dm "refund" younger dc somehow to make it fair? How? She doesn't have money to give her.

When I moved into my first house my dad helped me with a lot of home improvements which saved me a lot of money. My siblings are 1) renting 2) living in a nee build that doesnt need any work doing so he hasn't done the same for them...should he have refused to help me?

I think most people realise that you can never give exact time and money to all your kids but people should try to make it proportionate if possible or at least have honest conversations about it rather than calling your child greedy and moneygrabbing.

This.

It's not about the money, she is probably just hurt at how unequal they are being treated and has tried to point this out with an example (somewhat tactlessly). She is being expected to pay for her DSis's different life choices, for being a bit more clever and for working hard to pay her own way for things she wanted. OPs treatment of them may be "equity" rather than "equality", but it could end up creating a huge division between them as it shows they are not equal in her eyes.

I can see both sides here and agree with others it would seem for DD1 it's not about money but more based around wanting you to offer support in different ways to her.

I have a similar scenario with my DB he constantly asking for money off my DPs and has done for years. Anything goes wrong or he has a bill he doesn't try and sort it himself he calls them. He has "borrowed" in excess of 60k over the years and even tried to get my mum to give him the house that she rents out for him to live in with his family.
It pisses me off because he's a adult and should sort his own life out not be constantly running to them (him and his wife then spend crazy amounts on xmas and bdays for their children that they simply cant afford). He's effected my mums credit rating which then impacts them.

I don't want money off my parents I just want them to realise that he is being a CF for most of it!

My mum did acknowledge the huge disparity and that hes crap with money (im executor of will and PA sorted for when needed whilst my mum wouldnt for my DB) has told my brother anything owed is coming off inheritance. Which he kicked up a huge fuss about but didn't win!

Yes help family but it shouldn't be constant basis and they are unable to live as adults because they are reliant completely on parents every month.

I completely agree with this and am on both sides from my parents/inlaws.
My DSis and ger husband are very high earners, me and DH are in the middle - can afford holidays, but have debt, no savings, high childcare bills, Dsis in law and her husband are very low earners and have nothing.
Inlaws pay for food/fuel/local caravan holidays etc for Dsis in law and her husband/child - don't begrudge them that at all, glad she gets that help or they wouldn't get any trips or anything nice for dniece.
My parents help us with one day childcare, days out with my kids during the summer, paid for a new oven - my Dsis doesn't resent this at all because they don't need that help and get a lot of money from her husband's wealthy parents. We all get helped in different ways according to level of need.

Your eldest daughter is being unbelievably selfish.
i am in a fortunate position almost identical to your eldest. My brother and his wife less so, good jobs (nurse and a manual job with cars) but less disposable income because of this. I could never begrudge my mum helping them. I would encourage it and I would also offer to help to if they would accept.

I don't understand this. I'd give my sister my last £1 if it came to it.

what if you were always doing that though? Sacrificing and going without for your sister never to have it reciprocated and to have her intentionally not taking care of herself as much as she could, in this case working only part time. For 20 or 30 years, over and over. You wouldn’t ever get fed up? Really?

She's not sabotaging. It's very relevant. You need boundaries in families.

So much hate for DD1. don't get it.

I still don't understand that fair doesn't mean equal argument 🙄

What if DD2 also needs childcare, time, guidance, help with bills, hand holding, company etc etc

Ay what point do you draw the line and give those things to DD1 who might need them too?

There should be enough, love and attention for all children - not just the most needy.

I thought you were going to say the poorer one was jealous of the richer one. But the richer one is jealous of the poorer one?

I’d go with the poorer one and her kids and leave the other one organise her own holiday.

Firstly, obviously you shouldn't be paying for the well off daughter's holiday. It's distasteful and rude to ask.

In terms of general feelings of resentment, I can sort of relate. I did well at university, have a good professional job etc. My brother, despite being able, never really put effort into academics and about 5 years ago decided he wasn't going to work at all. He is supported significantly by my parents. I never complain about this but I can see how it is frustrating to watch a sibling get so much help which isn't extended elsewhere, when they could be doing more to help themselves.

How old is your other daughter's child? Possibly the well off daughter feels as though her sister could be doing more, working more etc to support herself. Maybe she is jealous that she is working full time and spending less time with her children, whilst her sister is supported to only work part time?

As PP’s have said, this isn’t really about money, your DD1 clearly feels that you prioritize DD2 over her. Her feelings may not be logical, but feelings often aren’t. Talk to her and find out what’s upsetting her. As PP’s have said, maybe she’s struggling behind her apparently perfect life? She might need her Mum to give her sone emotional support, for example, perhaps she’s stressed about something.

Something’s not right anyway and I wouldn’t ignore it.

This is borne from an unmet need, it isn't about money.

Your generosity has allowed your dd to buy a second home. Maybe she needs to be reminded of the childcare and financial support she has.

My ILs treats their DD and GC quite openly, they do not treat DH and our DC the same and never have. Totally up to them but it is noticed. We are moving in to treating our parents rather than them treating us. It irks me because they support higher earner sil. I leave it all to DP.

We have a similar situation but my brother has low income because he doesn't save and wastes his money and then expects our mum to bail him out everything. It's not fair that we get penalised for working hard and saving while he lives the high life without a thought and then gets mum to bail him out does make the ither siblings very angry. Are you sure you are not making excuses for your not so well off daughter? Parents can sometimes be blinded by love and not see they are being taken advantage of or that sometimes their children's hardships in life are ther own doing and they need to take responsibility for it.

Maybe your daughter has just had bad luck and been unfortunate but your well off daughter might not see it this way and believe she is in this position because of poor life choices she made and doesn't feel she should be given extra money from you. I think how a parent feels about children and how siblings feel is different. Parents give unconditional love but for siblings especially as they get older it's not the case and often parents have to try and be fair and make each child feel equal. I think you should try and look at it from your well off daughter's point of view and maybe it's better to not pay for the holiday for the not so well off daughter as to not cause resentment between them.

Your older daughter could end up in the same shoes as your sister at any time. Just because she is well off just now doesn't mean it will be that way forever. She shouldn't be so mean spirited