Adult sibling jealousy

[AuntMargo]

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

What a lovely mum you are OP. I think you quite correctly identified that your daughters have different needs and have provided solutions for them. Shame on your 'better off' daughter for behaving like an entitled brat. She needs to realise the wonderful and generous mother she has and realise that one day she could end up needing more support and not begrudge her sister for needing that now. Equality doesn't mean treating everyone the same, it means making sure we all have access to the same opportunities. If you are in a position to pay for one daughter who would probably not be able to afford the holiday then you should. But don't let the other one bully you into contributing for her family when they earn over 6 figures collectively and can most likely afford it anyway - though I don't know their outgoings.

I might be going against the grain here but it's so unfair when one sibling benefits from their parents because of the hand that life has dealt them. I agree its hard and she probably needs more support in regards to childcare etc.

I do agree with your other daughter that she is basically penalised because her and her husband work and earn more.

Sorry but its true.

You either pay for all of them to go or not at all.

Given your dd2 has 1 school aged child and only works part-time, why are you needed to provide lots of childcare so she can work? Surely that only makes sense if she works full-time? And even then she could make use of various childcare schemes which the government would pay the majority of if on low income.

I can see why there is some resentment from dd1 (although you have been generous to her in some ways). She works full-time to provide for her family and her sister with 1 school aged child doesn't and doesn't have to because she is subsidised by both the state and by you. It's a bit of a kick in the teeth for doing the right thing.

Op, golden child doesn't mean she is the special one, it means that for whatever reason the golden child gets all of the attention/benefits/parental input - a golden child can still be useless/feckless/damaged but very needy and very far from golden in the sense you are thinking.
As a parent you are responding to each of your children very differently, and it is coming across as favouritism. Just because one dd is more capable than the other, does not mean you treat them unfairly.

A holiday is a terrible idea. Spend more time with dd1 and don't always prioritise dd2 you will just leave a legacy of friction, resentment and sadness long after you have gone, unless you can address this quickly.

Sometimes in instances like this, little white lies can be in order. Tell DD1 you’ll pay for half the holidays for both her and her sister, on the sly (and only if you trust her 100%) tell DD2 you’ll pay for her whole holiday but for goodness sake don’t tell your sister because you know what she’s like. If she’s sensible she’ll keep quiet and no one is none the wiser. Don’t tell DD1 she’s selfish or greedy, it’ll just start a big row and no one needs that. If you help out DD2 on the quiet with day to day things, DD1 never needs to know. I know my Mum does this with one of my siblings and I don’t care.

"OK, but that means we can't go on the type of holiday we were talking about, as Your DSis can't afford it, and I can't afford to pay for everyone. I'll look into caravan parks, and see if I can find a nice looking one with vans big enough to sleep us all, as I can't afford two"

And then have a lovely budget holiday. And I mean that last sentence - not in a PA kind of way, but in a really finding happiness in being together. It's the sort of thing that can be really memorable (in a good sort of way)

100%.

I firmly believe that you should try to treat children equally to minimise upset. But there is a limit. And this situation is well past the limit. If anything your rich daughter should be going 50/50 with you to pay for the single parent.

I'm in a similar position with my sibling... she gets a lot of help with money, childcare, housework whereas I've been independent and had to manage everything myself since I turned 18. It doesn't overly bother me - I never ask for help and she's had a rough run and the way I see it is that the money and the time are my parents to decide how they want to spend it and what they want to do with it. But sometimes I find ds expects to be bailed out by them and I dislike the way she talks about them having money like it's also hers to access (my parents have no idea she talks like that she'd never do it in front of them). Plus it makes me sad that my kids won't have the same relationship with their grandparents as her kids do because there's such a huge difference in time spent with them and money spent on them. They're little now but they'll notice eventually. I think the one who's expecting for you to pay for them to go on holiday is being unreasonable. But I also think you need to be careful as you've made a distinction between your daughters and you don't know what conversations have occurred between them that's rubbed each other up the wrong way. I'd just say be careful you're not pushing one to do everything alone when actually they might need help and support sometimes too while rescuing the other a bit too quickly. Money isn't everything and she's also juggling work, a home to run and childcare which is a lot no matter how much you earn. Plus if their money is tied up in property its not necessarily accessible to them. I personally wouldn't have suggested on a holiday unless everyone could afford it in the first instance to avoid this type of conflict. Its your money to spend as you wish and I see why you want to help your daughter out when she's had such an awful time but I'd be careful how you're coming across.

Your dd1 sounds selfish, maybe she’s had life too easy and can’t see what a struggle it is for dd2? Either way, I don’t think you should pay for dd1’s family to go on holiday when they can afford to pay for themselves.

My family set up is similar, I am like dd2 but with 2 disabled DC’s (no help) and my DB is working in a good job and partner runs her own business. My DM helps my brother with money and a lot of child care where as I don’t get anything, I just get told I’m lazy as I should work more 😬.

Do pay for you dd2 to go away, she deserves it, maybe leave dd1 behind, she can sort out her own holiday?

I was curious too, Woodland. I have no idea of my lots earnings.

@hellywelly3 Out of curiosity- do you ask or want your parents opinion on which car to buy? I'm asking, because my parents are the same. They were looking for the car for my sister and her husband, they lent them money for the new kitchen etc., but the truth is I never ask them for advice. My husband is capable of choosing decent car for us (while my sister's husband is like a big baby and I think my mum knows about it 😏), we never needed to borrow money from them etc. It's hard to hold the grudges for the stuff that your parents never realised it exists. If you ask, but they ignore you, then obviously it's different situation to mine. It's just genuine question, not being mischevious or anything 😊

I’m the ‘more successful’ sibling in this scenario. It may be about the money but it’s much more likely that it’s about what the money symbolises.

My parents have poured vast amounts of time, money and resources into my sibling over the years. My brother got bought a house because his life was ‘so difficult’ and at the same my parents forgot both of my children’s birthdays. I’m not bitter but it makes me incredibly sad the degree to which the need to support my brother has damaged my relationship with my parents. Emotionally I just don’t get a look in. I cried for days last time they forgot one of my childrens birthdays.

So yes, maybe it does seem very unreasonable of your daughter to demand that you pay an equivalent amount, but maybe she needs to know that you love and care for her just as much. You show your love to your more needy daughter with help and financial support, so more time, attention and thought. Can you honestly say that you have made sure that your other daughter still feels like her mum loves her just as much as the sibling that gets so much more? Money doesn’t demonstrate love, but when as a child you get neither time, attention, money or any demonstration of your parents love, it can turn you into a version of yourself that you don’t always like very much. I never used to resent my brother and I have supported him a lot myself but it breaks my heart when my children get forgotten because my parents are so perpetually fixated on his problems.

i also don’t think it’s about the money. Their financial needs are different, but I can see why your eldest would be hurt because she’s watching you favour and prop up her sister, whilst she and her husband have independently worked for what they have.

Telling your daughter she’s selfish and unreasonable isn’t going to bring her round to your way of thinking, all it will do is alienate her. There’s clearly already a lot of resentment, between her and you as well as between her and her sister. I’m not sure how you can come back from that tbh, but getting angry at her will almost certainly deepen the divides and you could find yourself losing your relationship with her entirely.

@AuntMargo
Your well off daughter is being hugely unfair and greedy.
I can’t understand her attitude at all.
Show her this thread if she carries on being so unreasonable .

Err. I don't think this thread will prove to the DD1 that she's being unreasonable.

Haha, are you for real? Many people agree with DD1.

YANBU. I am better off than my brother and would prefer my DP pay for him to come away with us than dilute the help because I need to be treated exactly the same at the same time.

YANBU.

Dd1 is being a grabby spoilt brat. I wouldn't take her on hoilday I'd take dd2 and the grandchild.

Whatever the reason are for the bad feelings about the extra support you show one daughter - it doesn't sound like a recipe for a lovely holiday. I would forget the idea.

Read the thread. The majority are saying OP is unreasonable in the way she treats the daughters differently and that it isn't about the holiday. Yes show DD1 because most people are firmly on her side.

Agree its not about the money. I'm a single parent with a disabled child and work everyday school hours only though, but still earn more than my mum and when we go for meals or days out my mum will always pay for my single younger sibling. The bill will come and if it was just me and mum I would always pay but I'm not paying for my sibling. My mum will always still pay for her.l though she just includes her things in her bill. Even down to us all getting on the bus my mum will pay for 2 adults and I would get my own. It's annoying. Not because I want to be paid for but because it just makes me feel a bit shit.

From the limited information on here I think DD1 has a point. Unless you have lived through this it's very easy to say 'oh poor DD2' but we don't know any of the background about why she is still relying on her parents.

YANBU to help one daughter. Being fair does not treating people equally. There is no way I woudl expect my Mum to pay for me if I could afford it.

One thing it may be worth considering is if your daughter is jelous of the emotional support and time taken up by dealing with a child in an emotionally abusive relationship, and if this is the actual issue?

Talk this through with DD1 OP, and whatever you do leave equal shares in assets and money in your will.

@xogossipgirlxo i have asked but I’m just told that sensible enough to make right decisions. I think that’s the problem I’m always seen as sensible and reliable. My sis can make any selfish choices or silly decisions she wants as our parents always there to pick up the pieces. Things like getting a car she can’t afford the insurance for, buying pets she can’t look after.