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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult sibling jealousy

345 replies

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:03

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

OP posts:
errnerrcallnernnernnern · 03/10/2022 13:57

LuaDipa · 03/10/2022 13:55

This.

As pp’s have said, it’s not about the money. The wealthier dd is crying out for some kindness and attention and tbh I’m not surprised. Op has made no attempt to discuss this with her to find out why she feels the way she does. Instead she’s calling her selfish and greedy and saying that she’s ashamed of her. No wonder she feels overlooked.

Show quote history

Of course it's about the money. DD1 has said OP needs to pay for her family. So it's about the money.

If it was about OP, they would invite her on holiday with them.

purpleboy · 03/10/2022 13:59

giantwaterbottle · 03/10/2022 13:34

@maddy68 I completely agree with this. My husband and his siblings are in a very similar situation and I know my in laws think he and his brother are 'selfish'.
My husband and his brother are both stable, married, good jobs and two kids each. Their younger sister is a single mum. Has always made stupid decisions and has always been spoiled with attention by her parents.
They also take her and her son on holiday and do everything for her, financially yes, but time wise. They provide childcare as she's a single mother and they basically love together.

My husband and his brother don't have an issue with them helping out but they then make no, or every little effort to spend any time with their sons or their sons children as they are too busy with their sisters and then want down time.

This reminds me of that and it sounds like your eldest daughter feels she is being punished for doing the right thing in life and for being successful.

Exactly the same here too, It's an identical situation.
SIL pleads poverty, MIL payed for her to go on a family holiday with us, we obviously paid for ourselves, she then went on 5 weekends away with her friends, paid for I don't know how.
MIL Does constant childcare, school drop off, cooks them tea most days, cleans SILs house, days out, holidays together. We get absolutely nothing, its caused a bit of resentment from DH, but ultimately nothing will change, so he has made his peace with it and is now just grateful that we are lucky enough to live such a nice life, funded by us.

Talk to your DD op, I can see both sides and maybe it's more about miscommunication.

MichelleScarn · 03/10/2022 14:02

Ok, I'll retract the bit about agreeing with multiple posters then. But my point stands that op wants to kno2 if it is BU to tell d1 she is "selfish and greedy!!"

latetothefisting · 03/10/2022 14:02

maddy68 · 03/10/2022 13:13

I actually agree with her.

If you can afford to pay for them both then do that , if you can't , then pay for your "poor" daughter but contribute in a different way to the "richer" daughter.

I agree with this. I have 2 siblings and don't expect us to be given exactly the same at all times but feel there should generally be a bit of a balance - whereas it sounds as though you help 1dc financially and practically and nothing for other dc.

If your dc is working full time and paying for childcare on 40k then I can see why she'd be annoyed that her sister only works part time and you still do more childcare for her.

If you just look at her pay (ignoring her partners), by the time you've taken all her pension, tax, student loan deductions off her pay and added on all the uc, rent help etc her sibling gets there's probably not a huge amount in their end amount so I can see why she might be annoyed that she works hard for what her sister gets off the government for free - then her mother goes and gives her sister even more!

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 14:02

@LuaDipa crying out for kindness !! Wow you're dramatic !, Where have I been unkind do you know something I dont!

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 03/10/2022 14:04

Kaybeeeee · 03/10/2022 13:26

I think you need to take a step back and realise that this incident isn’t solely about you paying for daughter #2.
It reads to me like DD1 has boiled over with resentment on how your actions favour DD2.

You offer DD2 significant childcare assistance - have you helped DD1? Did your care for DD2’s children cut into the time you had available to spend with DD1’s children?

You say that DD2 was in a horrible long term coercive relationship. How much of your time and energy was spent worrying about DD2? When you were spending time with DD1, did you spend time with her or were you offloading your worries about DD2 to her?

You offer DD2 significant money for a holiday, but offer nothing to DD1.

Yes, rationally an outsider can see that DD2 needs/needed more support, but that doesn’t mean DD1 has no needs. As a child, even as an adult child, it is never nice to feel like your parent has endless resources (time/money/love/care) for a sibling and you are left with scraps…

DD1 can probably rationally understand that her life circumstances are superior to her sister’s, but don’t be fooled into thinking that DD1 is solely upset because you haven’t offered her money for a holiday.

Well said. This is spot on describing our family!

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 14:04

There is much more to this story.

There is very clearly a pattern of behaviour here that your dd2 is constantly on the receiving end of your favours/money/benefits and this has been happening for years because she isn't as bright as your other dd. Do you not see you are indeed punishing your dd1 for being successful and independent? Every time you put dd2 first you reinforce this dynamic. Your dd2 was not just unlucky she made bad choices, you need to let her take some responsibility. She can't expect to have the same options of someone that works harder/longer etc.

I would pay for a villa for everyone to stay and they can all pay for their own flights, and keep things fair as far as humanly possible. Or don't go on holiday together - it doesn't sound like you get on, so better to avoid no?

I feel sorry for dd1 - two good jobs does not mean you don't need help, support and parental love. It sounds very one sided and unhealthy. Look up golden child and black sheep dynamic to see if you are doing this and not aware.

SeasonFinale · 03/10/2022 14:05

And no DO NOT tell DD1 she is selfish and greedy. She is hurt and feels sidelined.

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 14:08

@Kaybeeeee I looked after there first child all the time, and still collect from school, I have taken her away on theatre trips, disney (already explained all this ) centre parcs, cinema, theme parks so on,

OP posts:
Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 14:09

@Kissingfrogs25 golden child, you couldnt be more wrong !

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 03/10/2022 14:12

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 14:02

@LuaDipa crying out for kindness !! Wow you're dramatic !, Where have I been unkind do you know something I dont!

I don’t think you realise how you sound when you speak about your wealthier dd. The language you use says a lot. My kids are not perfect but it would take a lot to make me say that I was ashamed of them, far more than a bit of (possibly justified) sibling resentment. You also called her greedy and selfish and tbh it seems that you almost begrudge your dd her wealth.

When you speak about your other dd it’s in terms of what she has been through. Your language is more gentle.

I may have been harsh, but I feel like this comes across in the way you speak to your girls and I can see why your dd would feel resentful. It’s almost like because she has been successful you have decided to focus completely on your other dd. I can completely understand why and this isn’t uncommon but just remember your other dd still wants to know that her mum loves her and thinks about her, even if she doesn’t necessarily need you.

Bonnieblueeyes · 03/10/2022 14:12

If I was your 'better off' daughter I'd be offering to pay for everyone to go!

How cheeky Angry

latetothefisting · 03/10/2022 14:13

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:30

@Endlesssummer2022 The elders older child was looked after me all the time, she has been taken away to theatre weekends, has been to disney, numerous sleepovers, I leant the older a large some of money to buy her 2nd house, so no they are not favoured. Their needs are very different at time of their lifes

It's still a big difference between lending someone money and taking your grandchild out (which most grandparents do!), to buying things with no requirement to pay back and providing regular childcare though...

If I was dd1 I'd understand you helping dd2 out with essentials, but yeah probably would get a bit pissed off if you then started paying for luxuries just for her as well. And a holiday is a luxury i.e. something people work hard to be able to afford. If dd1 reduced her hours to part time so she couldn't afford to pay for the holiday would you then agree to pay for her too?

From her pov I can see why she might be annoyed - why should she work full time, have less free time, be more tired and likely more stressed, to provide for her kids when if she didn't someone, whether it be the government or her mum would make up the shortfall for her?

Parrotpretty · 03/10/2022 14:14

I don't understand this. I'd give my sister my last £1 if it came to it.

SeasonFinale · 03/10/2022 14:14

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 14:02

@LuaDipa crying out for kindness !! Wow you're dramatic !, Where have I been unkind do you know something I dont!

Personally going onto a public forum saying should I tell my daughter she is selfish and greedy is fairly unkind.

You aren't taking on board any of the posts suggesting how she may feel sidelined and see the disparity in the way you treat them.

picklemewalnuts · 03/10/2022 14:17

Have a one to one with her.

Explain that you think you've been fair to the Grandchildren on both sides with babysitting and treats, and that this was a one off that won't happen unless you can sub your other DD

Point out that you won't be able to organise the holiday at all.

Did you run it past DD first, before telling DD2 you'd pay for her?

I've been DD2, and was told not to tell DD1 that my parents had paid for my DC to go. We couldn't have gone otherwise, and had actually said no. We paid for ourselves but not our kids.

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 14:18

@SeasonFinale your wrong I do and already did before I posted that the elder is jealous at times, but to expect me to pay for her family, is unreasonable I just cannot do it. I have made the decision to forget the idea, as like some one has already mentioned its causing problems before even booked.

OP posts:
xogossipgirlxo · 03/10/2022 14:18

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 14:08

@Kaybeeeee I looked after there first child all the time, and still collect from school, I have taken her away on theatre trips, disney (already explained all this ) centre parcs, cinema, theme parks so on,

I think DD1 just can't tell the difference between treating children equally and 50:50 split. To her, equal treatment is the second option. Your opinions on this are just different. If I were you, I would call off family holiday, it's not going to work. But please don't tell her she's selfish or greedy, this will make things worse.

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 14:19

@picklemewalnuts I am going to have a chat with her just the 2 of us

OP posts:
beonmywaythen · 03/10/2022 14:19

I think there is probably more to this story from DD1's perspective. I would guess there is a lot of resentment built up over the years of you helping DD2 rather than her. I have this exact same situation in my family but I am younger and more well off while my older sister is really struggling. I would never begrudge my mum paying for her to come on a holiday, but at the same time because I am "better off" doesn't mean my life is perfect or I don't need any support. She may be feeling more lonely/having a harder time than you think. Or she could just be selfish... but worth digging into.

Onlyhuman123 · 03/10/2022 14:20

Kaybeeeee · 03/10/2022 13:26

I think you need to take a step back and realise that this incident isn’t solely about you paying for daughter #2.
It reads to me like DD1 has boiled over with resentment on how your actions favour DD2.

You offer DD2 significant childcare assistance - have you helped DD1? Did your care for DD2’s children cut into the time you had available to spend with DD1’s children?

You say that DD2 was in a horrible long term coercive relationship. How much of your time and energy was spent worrying about DD2? When you were spending time with DD1, did you spend time with her or were you offloading your worries about DD2 to her?

You offer DD2 significant money for a holiday, but offer nothing to DD1.

Yes, rationally an outsider can see that DD2 needs/needed more support, but that doesn’t mean DD1 has no needs. As a child, even as an adult child, it is never nice to feel like your parent has endless resources (time/money/love/care) for a sibling and you are left with scraps…

DD1 can probably rationally understand that her life circumstances are superior to her sister’s, but don’t be fooled into thinking that DD1 is solely upset because you haven’t offered her money for a holiday.

I agree with this. I voted YABU but not with regard to paying for the whole holiday for DD1 as well as DD2. I think there is more underlying resentment that DD2 seems to be favoured far more than DD1 and the mention of you paying for DD2's holiday is the final straw.

Kaybeeeee · 03/10/2022 14:20

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 14:08

@Kaybeeeee I looked after there first child all the time, and still collect from school, I have taken her away on theatre trips, disney (already explained all this ) centre parcs, cinema, theme parks so on,

I believe that you believe you have treated your daughters fairly, based on their respective needs at the time.

None of us know all the details of your life. There is always three sides to the story, your perception, their perception, and the truth… which is probably somewhere in the middle.

I think at the moment that this is a highly emotive issue for you and you are a little defensive and overly focused on your perception being right. You need to take an impartial view and really think about what DD1’s perception of the situation is… I think if she is a good sister and they get along, she ultimately won’t mind if you give money to DD2… but some acknowledgment and actually getting to the bottom of the issue would go along way.

Jefferz54 · 03/10/2022 14:20

Parrotpretty · 03/10/2022 14:14

I don't understand this. I'd give my sister my last £1 if it came to it.

me too....i have three sisters and none of us would ever dream of accusing our parents of showing too much favour to one of us. Maybe it's a cultural thing (we're Indian background) but it would seem disrespectful. I would also help out my sisters as much as i could, whatever mistakes they made in life...because i would hope they might return the favour if need be!

Onthegrid · 03/10/2022 14:21

If you have more than 1 DC, I think this will always be a balancing act.

My DP favour my DB, he is by far the youngest and the golden child. There was an inheritance about 15 years ago where I was due to receive more than my siblings but I made sure we all received the same. It does grate as over the years I know that my DS received money towards her first house and so did DB plus other sums of money for cars etc. It is also true that DH and I are the only couple with well paid professional jobs, although this has come with long hours and other sacrifices. I am also the person that supports my parents (medical needs etc) the most. As the oldest and as this has been going on for 50 years I just live with it. I also don't bank on any inheritance.

On the holiday front there was a group holiday this year, 1 paid 50/50 with my parents, DB won't contribute if DS doesn't have to and DP had already agreed to pay for her this year, is it fair? No. Is it equal? No. Will I do anything about it? No. If I hadn't paid then the holiday wouldn't have happened, however I have made it clear that this was a one off and that any future plans need to fit everyone's budget.

I have 2 adult DC of my own and currently they are in similar positions and we are trying to ensure that they get equal support both financially and emotionally.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 03/10/2022 14:22

Bonnieblueeyes · 03/10/2022 14:12

If I was your 'better off' daughter I'd be offering to pay for everyone to go!

How cheeky Angry

I think dd1 is being unreasonable asking for a free holiday but I also don’t think it’s fair to expect dd1 to pay for everyone. A household income of £110k doesn’t mean you can afford £10k+ to pay for 7 people to go on holiday!