Adult sibling jealousy

[AuntMargo]

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

We have just booked a family holiday & my mum and dad are helping my brother out as him and his family have had a string of bad luck through no fault of their own. My husband and I can afford to pay our share ourselves and I hate the fact my parents feel guilty that they’re paying for my brother and not us. I wouldn’t take the money even if they offered as we can more than afford it and it’s about us all being together not how much we can get out of our parents. Sorry you’ve been put in such a difficult position but I do think your daughter is being selfish - there could be a time she needs your help and how would she feel if it was the other way around. I hope it gets resolved and you can all enjoy your time together!

This is a really similar situation to me and my sister, although my husband and I are not as high earning as your eldest, we are professionals and my younger sister is a disabled single mum on benefits recovering from abusive relationships.

If my parents wanted us to all go on holiday together then I wouldn't resent them paying for my sister and niece because they can't afford it.

I am the youngest - 2 older siblings have behaved fecklessly and had endless handouts. Because they ‘need it’. The kids who worked hard were left to struggle by ourselves. And our mother then justified her behaviour by telling us she never worried about us, and knew we never needed help. Translation- they are more important to me than you but I will never say that. My mothers behaviour ruined our family. Please be aware that how you discuss this will have a huge impact.

Put some money into an account to pay for this sort of thing for your second daughter on occasion. Vary your will.

Translation- they are more important to me than you but I will never say that.

☝️BINGO!

Why on earth would she do that. DD1 is better off financially while her not so better off sister is not.

Equity, not equality. Someone needs to grow up and find some compassion.

Then you have done more than enough for her. Dd1 is very selfish.

Bloody hell! The comments here are wild! Lots of people relating their own situations to it when it's maybe not the same!
I don't know OP what the answer is other than you're a lovely mum and I'd cut my arm off to have someone in my or my husbands family. I'm so sorry your eldest can't see that. Do not pay for her holiday.

I see this all that Time on the inheritance threads where people insist that all children get exactly the same amount regardless of one being homeless and one being Donald trump
Bonkers and I know for a fact that in my family we would never begrudge the sibling that had least ( regardless of reasons) more than the rest of us.
But then again we love them!

Ps and when people say 'it's not about the money 'it always is!

Exactly.
I understand why the OP may know DD2’s financial arrangements, as she needs support. However DD1 & H declaring their financial situation is vulgar and unnecessary!

it’s bragging and belittling!

…. DD1 could also be me …. But I would more than likely be paying for everyone.

just because she’s an adult doesn’t mean you can’t parent her ! - just try to be tactful about it.

alternatively you could also LOAN the money to DD2 for the holiday. …. It’s then up to you if that loan is repayable.

I’d be inclined to go with the position that DD1 has spoiled the opportunity for everyone and not bother or just have a holiday with DD2.

we parent our children as the child need us. Not entirely equally. Different people have different needs at different times.

YANBU

I am the elder of 2 siblings DB has always struggled as school and in work (probably undiagnosed ASD) and is now disabled owing to slow growing cancer that is unresponsive to chemotherapy. Though he is likely to outlive my parents he will not love his fullmlive expectancy

He lives with my parents, they pay all his costs and give him a monthly stipend.

I earn an above average salary and my DH is a higher rate tax payer.

We are comfortable but are definitely not swimming in money, have to budget and save for nice things and holidays.

I do not begrudge my brother any of the help he gets from my parents and I do not expect them to "make it up" in their wills either.

Without the financial and practical support my brother receives from my parents he would be destitute and I feel no less loved or less important to them because they "help" him more than they help me.

Good question! No way my DH would tell his Mum his salary. She knows salary of other son and daughter though. They use their low salaries to squeeze money and childcare out of their Mum. On 2 occasions we have been on holiday all together, we paid for us but the siblings and their children were paid for, we are fine with that. They get more presents, again we're fine with that. But we would like more grandparents and grandchildren time. It's seen as childcare and they need it more, but the problem about that from our point of view is that the other grandchildren have a closer bond and get treated etc. It comes across like the needy ones have more time and love given to them, they seem favoured.

I'm somewhat biased in this as I'm the older child in this situation. My husband and I are high earners. I work like a dog and SIL works part time (no kids) and lives with in laws and they pay for her holidays etc. I don't think the in laws owe us anything but it hurts my husband to see his parents running around after his sister and we are offered very little support. We are not poor but my god are we tired. Perhaps it's not about money but support/energy and her feeling like her sister takes priority for you?

Sorry my post got jumbled. I'm also the older child in that my sister has always got more support. Again she has no kids, she actually earns £40k herself but is perpetually poor as she spends it. My mum takes her on holiday and I never even get offered a lunch out. It's not really the money, but I resent the constant 'poor Honey's sister, she doesn't have it easy like you'. As if I haven't scrapped for years, stayed in shitty hotels in the week, worked 80 hour weeks and been so stressed my periods have stopped at points during my career.

I'm not comparing the situations but it might not be about the money for her.

You sound like a lovely sister. It must be hard for you seeing what he's going through.

Zombie thread.

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