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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult sibling jealousy

345 replies

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:03

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

OP posts:
Bywayofanupdate · 03/10/2022 13:28

This is a tricky one and perhaps my sister and I are a little like your daughters. I am married, run my own (semi successful) business and my husband earns well. We have three children. I didn't go to uni.

My parents paid for my sister to go to uni but she decided she didn't want a acareer and chose to work a job for minimum wage which allowed her more time for one of her hobbies. She still (at almost 40) lives hand to mouth and has no dependents.

We're lucky in that my dad gifts us some money every Christmas, except my sister is given more, and this infuriates me! I think I know deep down that it shouldn't, but it does!

I feel that we should be treated equally, my sister could have been much more successful than me had she chosen to.

WoodlandPM · 03/10/2022 13:29

Oh sorry, i just think it's odd your family know what your son in law earns :/

My family don't know what my DH earns!

Either way, you sound like you prefer one daughter than the other and I think it shows

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:30

@Endlesssummer2022 The elders older child was looked after me all the time, she has been taken away to theatre weekends, has been to disney, numerous sleepovers, I leant the older a large some of money to buy her 2nd house, so no they are not favoured. Their needs are very different at time of their lifes

OP posts:
maddy68 · 03/10/2022 13:31

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:30

@Endlesssummer2022 The elders older child was looked after me all the time, she has been taken away to theatre weekends, has been to disney, numerous sleepovers, I leant the older a large some of money to buy her 2nd house, so no they are not favoured. Their needs are very different at time of their lifes

Then you need to sit her down and explain all this.

xogossipgirlxo · 03/10/2022 13:32

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:30

@Endlesssummer2022 The elders older child was looked after me all the time, she has been taken away to theatre weekends, has been to disney, numerous sleepovers, I leant the older a large some of money to buy her 2nd house, so no they are not favoured. Their needs are very different at time of their lifes

I feel sorry for you stuck between them and trying to make the right thing! Do they speak to each other outside family meetings like Christmas? Or just meet at your house and that's the only contact they have?

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 03/10/2022 13:32

YANBU. Does eldest dd go on holidays with her DH and DC?

If yes, I would just take DD2 away with her dc. Eldest dd doesn't need to know anything about it.

giantwaterbottle · 03/10/2022 13:34

@maddy68 I completely agree with this. My husband and his siblings are in a very similar situation and I know my in laws think he and his brother are 'selfish'.
My husband and his brother are both stable, married, good jobs and two kids each. Their younger sister is a single mum. Has always made stupid decisions and has always been spoiled with attention by her parents.
They also take her and her son on holiday and do everything for her, financially yes, but time wise. They provide childcare as she's a single mother and they basically love together.

My husband and his brother don't have an issue with them helping out but they then make no, or every little effort to spend any time with their sons or their sons children as they are too busy with their sisters and then want down time.

This reminds me of that and it sounds like your eldest daughter feels she is being punished for doing the right thing in life and for being successful.

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:34

@xogossipgirlxo no they do get along in general, they do spend time together and they do love one another.

OP posts:
WGSW · 03/10/2022 13:34

I doubt it's about the money - paying for the holiday is just the issue which has brought it all to the surface. I suspect it's insecurity, and wanting to know that she is just as valued and deserving as your other daughter.

There are often threads on here from posters in your DD1's situation. Feeling like they are the afterthought because all of the time, and help, and attention, and money goes on the other sibling.

As PP have said, it must have been very worrying when your DD2 was in a bad relationship - and hard for her now if she is a SP with no other support than you. But have you given the same attention and care to your DD1 - or have you worked on the basis that she's fine, she's earning good money and has a husband and a stable life and therefore doesn't need much from you? If so, can you see how that might lead to her feeling like she is the 'poor' relation?

I'm not defending her asking you to pay for her whole family - that's just silly and greedy. But it sounds like it could be an overreaction to a long period of watching her sister get all of your time and care and support.

Sunnyqueen · 03/10/2022 13:35

DD1 sounds like a spoilt brat. Probably has no idea how easy she has it in comparison. Expecting you to pay for her family is just a joke and for suggesting it I would cancel the holiday and just take dd2 away on your own.

xogossipgirlxo · 03/10/2022 13:37

Sunnyqueen · 03/10/2022 13:35

DD1 sounds like a spoilt brat. Probably has no idea how easy she has it in comparison. Expecting you to pay for her family is just a joke and for suggesting it I would cancel the holiday and just take dd2 away on your own.

Do you think this is going to help? It's only going to make situation worse.

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:37

@giantwaterbottle but I do spend time with all the grandchildren, I just babysit more for single mum, as If i didnt she couldnt work. I took all and paid for all of them to go to centre parcs last year for a week.

OP posts:
Soproudoflionesses · 03/10/2022 13:38

Anytimeiseeit · 03/10/2022 13:05

She earns more than you but thinks you should pay for her family to go? She’s being incredibly cheeky. I thought this post was going to be about the other sister being jealous, but it’s actually the more well off one being jealous! She’s being awful to you IMO

So did l!!
What a selfish attitude.

Useyourfork · 03/10/2022 13:39

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:37

@giantwaterbottle but I do spend time with all the grandchildren, I just babysit more for single mum, as If i didnt she couldnt work. I took all and paid for all of them to go to centre parcs last year for a week.

You need some 1-1 bonding time with your eldest on your own 💖

giantwaterbottle · 03/10/2022 13:41

@AuntMargo I do feel for you. I have two (young) children so have it all to come.
I know my mother and father in law love all their kids the same and they also have (occasionally) offered childcare and have paid for holidays, they are very generous.
However there is resentment from the older children, the boys and I think that through their lives their sister has been favoured re attention.
She was also in a coercive relationship for a long time and struggles with her mental health. This obviously put stress on the parents and they have tried to 'make up for' the, what they see as, bad hand, their child has been dealt.

I have sisters and I feel jealous sometimes about the attention one gets from my parents.
I think maybe your eldest is being petty but I suspect what she really wants is more of you, rightly or wrongly.

logana · 03/10/2022 13:42

We are in a similar position, our two grown up children have very different household incomes. I often help the one with a lower income out in small ways, eg buying treats or small items they need. However if it came to a holiday I would either pay for both of them or neither of them. I think there is a point where you should treat your children equally.

OctopusBreath · 03/10/2022 13:43

I'd be a bit upset if my parent spent significantly more time with one set of grandchildren over the other. You're probably closer to the kids you take care of, OP. I think this needs to be treated sensitively.

sourgreenplums · 03/10/2022 13:46

I know it must feel like you can't win, but what people are trying to say is that sometimes one child takes up more than their fair share of family energy, be it because of going through a bad relationship, childcare, worrying by parent over latest "crisis" situation. It can become draining for other family members precisely because they are not selfish, and realise that time and effort are obviously limited, so they feel like they cannot always say what they need. Money doesn't always come into it.

GoldenSpiral · 03/10/2022 13:50

I'm the wealthier sister in my family and I would never begrudge my sisters financial help from my parents. They are your family.

It's not about being fair, it's about making memories and spending time together. I would hope that my sisters would be the same if the tables were turned.

MichelleScarn · 03/10/2022 13:51

OctopusBreath · 03/10/2022 13:43

I'd be a bit upset if my parent spent significantly more time with one set of grandchildren over the other. You're probably closer to the kids you take care of, OP. I think this needs to be treated sensitively.

Exactly but given OP is vigorously agreeing with those who call dd1 selfish/awful/dreadful and stating how ashamed she is of her, I don't think she'll really want to see anything from dd1s view.

Original poster
AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 13:54

@MichelleScarn congratulations you've won the award for lets stick a knife in award. Lovely !!

OP posts:
LuaDipa · 03/10/2022 13:55

MichelleScarn · 03/10/2022 13:51

Exactly but given OP is vigorously agreeing with those who call dd1 selfish/awful/dreadful and stating how ashamed she is of her, I don't think she'll really want to see anything from dd1s view.

Show quote history

This.

As pp’s have said, it’s not about the money. The wealthier dd is crying out for some kindness and attention and tbh I’m not surprised. Op has made no attempt to discuss this with her to find out why she feels the way she does. Instead she’s calling her selfish and greedy and saying that she’s ashamed of her. No wonder she feels overlooked.

1FootInTheRave · 03/10/2022 13:56

I suspect this isn't really about the money.

I could be dd1 in my family and tbh, I am absolutely pig sick of my dsis and dbro1 getting everything from our parents. They are babied compared to me and dbro2 who are just expected to get on with it.

Re dsis, her lack of money and everything else is down to her poor decision making and expecting everyone to pick up the pieces.

errnerrcallnernnernnern · 03/10/2022 13:56

@MichelleScarn that's very unfair to OP. She did agree with one poster that she is angry and ashamed of her attitude, but why exagerrate that into OP agreeing with multiple people?

And OP also agreed with Maddy who said dd1 may feel dd2 is being favoured, so OP is not being one sided.

TheHoover · 03/10/2022 13:56

YANBU (unless you are really well off and can easily withstand the extra cost).

Explain to your greedy daughter that either she coughs up or the holiday is cancelled.