Adult sibling jealousy

[AuntMargo]

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that.

We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

Maybe she just doesn’t want to go on holiday with you or use her holiday budget up on her extended family.

You need to remind her of this.

And point out how completely disappointed and appalled by her attitude and entitlement.

It sounds like both you and your younger daughter resent your eldest’s success. £110K after tax isn’t all that much these days!

No CB, take home maybe £5-6K/month? Take off mortgage of, eg, £1500, childcare of another £1500, bills another £1500, food and everything else £1000. There’s not much spare and they’re both working!

Conversely, the youngest gets all the help going, help with childcare, help emotionally, etc. She may well have more disposable income than her ‘richer’ sister.

You pay for both or none at all. The girls have made different choices in life but unless as a consequence of ill health, they’ve had equal chances of success. You’re penalizing the oldest unfairly.

As another poster has said look at all the negative words and tones you use about DD1 and then look at how nicely you talk about DD2. It really isn't about the holiday it's about the disparity in how you treat them (and may even be obvious to her how differently you feel about them). Hard as it is has been for your DD2 I feel sorry for DD1.

£110K after tax isn’t all that much these days!

😂Only on Mumsnet!

Wow.
If I was the eldest I’d be offering to help pay for the sister to go, so we could all go have a nice time and not demanding you pay for me too.

Can I ask a question op but if you needed a lift to the airport or shopping dropped in or help moving furniture around which of your two dd would you ring first?

It's your money to spend how you want to, but I always felt the Prodigal Son's elder brother had a valid point.

Agree it's likely to be a pattern of wider behaviour - you spent lots of time with DD1's elder child, but then DD2 had children and was more in need of support and so your DD1's DC were sidelined I suspect (or that's how she sees it).

You see it on here time and time again. One sibling, often the elder one, is viewed as being ok, lucky, capable etc. Doesn't need anything. Another lurches from crisis to crisis, everything is dropped to help them. They couldn't possibly be expected to be independent in the way their other siblings are, etc. Many posters have commented that they feel punished for doing all the "right" things.

That may not be what's happening here but I suspect there's a grain of truth in it and perhaps this is the straw that's broken the camel's back.

DD1 works hard and chose a solid life partner who also works hard.
DD2 works hard but got involved with an irresponsible co-parent, and you are trying to level things up for her a little.

Your sympathy for DD2 means you treat her more favorably than DD1.

I can understand as I guess when they were growing up everything was fair financially (at least). Perhaps birth order or family dynamics meant they had a financially similar upbringing but emotionally different, which (maybe) impacted their life choices.

I think it is best to treat your two daughters as fairly as possible, and try to do something which will benefit them both - like pay for a villa, or whatever % of it you can afford, and let them divide up the remainder of the cost.

My mother treats us children unfairly - and it will impact how each of us respond to her needs in later life. I get the short end of the stick ALL the time, and it impacts my relationship with her and my kids relationship with her. I will let my favored siblings do the running when my mother needs care.

And yes, at that income level, paying for childcare for multiple DC there may well be an element of resentment at the support that was withdrawn and the tens of thousands of pounds essentially being gifted to one sibling in the form of free childcare.

You'll get loads of people calling her selfish but what is she really saying? That she doesnt feel like she gets a fair share of you? Can you make time for her or her DC? Doesnt have to be help but if this isnt resolved then there is little chance of them having an independent relationship. If you can get to the crux of it hen her jealousy will resolve.

please dont sabotage this post and turn it into something else, start your own if you want the answer to your questions

the poster has a point though and I agree. You really shouldn't be knowing what your daughter and her dh earn, that's an issue right there that is relevant to the op. It means you view them differently which creates a bigger divide between how you view/treat your 2 daughters.

Your eldest is jealous as she’s the one who has always done things right and never got a sticker
for sitting still while the younger one never sat still and gets a sticker or reward for sitting still. I don’t think this is necessary about the money. It’s different rewards for the same behaviour

I think this is where parents who have always treated their children exactly the same come unstuck. I have dc with ASD and others without and so they have always been aware that I treat them according to their needs and not exactly the same. So ds1 isn't resentful that I provide free childcare for dd1 because he sees that as a single parent she needs it and neither ds1 or dd2 are resentful of the extra support I give to their adult siblings because they recognise their needs are greater. Time to have a chat with dd1 and explain that being treated fairly doesn't necessarily mean being treated exactly the same.

It's tough because as a parent you see that dd2 needs more support so you offer it and she takes it up. Your dd1 though will see that you don't spend as much time with her kids, that you are always their for dd2 but not her in the same way and as a dd I can tell you that rankles. It isn't her fault that your dd2 doesn't have her life together in the same way and to her she's likely to feel penalised for making the 'right' choices. Is she seeing things from your perspective, no but are you seeing things from hers?

If dd1 has chosen to tell her mum how much they earn, what is OP supposed to do?

I totally get where your daughter is coming from. My sis is a single parent and it’s always my parents supporting her. Not just money but advice when buying a car, helping with tasks in the home, spending more time with her children as they don’t have a dad (they do), etc etc. I feel my kids loose out having a grandparent relationship as they’re parenting her children, you can’t help but feel jealous.

Hmm I actually see you dd1 POV. It's selfish but it's also a bit mean to give more to one dd and not the other. I prefer being fair myself, you act like your dd2 coercive relationship is to blame somehow but that's not your dd1 fault. Will you be leaving dd2 more money in your will because your dd1 earns more? I think fair is fair and this isn't.
But I do agree that if dd1 actually liked her sister she'd shrug and get on with it.

If dd1 has chosen to tell her mum how much they earn, what is OP supposed to do

because it's inappropriate and sort of tasteless that they'd even be discussing it.

HNRTT but I'd take the opportunity to have an informal chat with the DD 1-2-1 and gently ask her what the problem truly is, the symptom of which is her wanting you to use your savings to pay towards the holiday of a couple who earn more than you. Say it can't in reality only be the money nor the absolute time of child care as her in laws help. Try to gently tease out what is probably in her head that being 'fair' will be you doing an identical amount of financial and temporal support to both rather than you understandably prioritising by need. I can't understand the mindset myself and it would annoy me if a DC thought that way but it might be worth using this opportunity to try and communicate with her rather than allowing relationships to deteriorate over time or relying on her having an empathy transplant or sudden self-realisation.

Good luck.

I am sure this is about more than the money. I have a DSis who is in a very different position to me, both financially and home life (she would be the single-mum daughter in your scenario). My DM does all her childcare, goes on holiday with her and spends 3-4 days a week with her.

Me and my DC hardly spend any time with my DM and when we do she talks about my sister's DC and if I ever say anything negative about my life, even a throw away comment like 'wow our electric has gone up' it always comes back to 'well imagine how DSis is doing, there's only her, you can't possibly be hard up' or if i say my DC has done well at school or achieved something 'yes so has DSis's DC' It's makes me feel angry and second priority all the time.

The parents never got the single DD fully off the books.........parents are always trying to ship the DD's off to a new family and get them off the books, if that doesn't happen they feel they are still responsible for them, taking on the role of the missing partner.

Haven't read the whole thread, but from your OP I think your DD1 is being unreasonable and should be kinder given the difference in circumstances with her sister's position. I know that as parents, we all like to be absolutely fair when it comes to what we give our kids, but, as we all know, life isn't always fair!

A friend of mine is one of three kids - her and one sibling are very comfortably off, one sibling isn't. Their mum had a choice to help the struggling sibling financially (think 'deposit on a house' level of money), or divide the money between three kids. 'Fairest' would have to split it equally, but my friend and her sibling didn't need the money in the same way - they were happy to see their sibling being helped out.

It entirely depends on your definition of 'equal' , doesn't it? Do you want equality or do you want equity?

Equality = everyone is given the same, no matter what they had to begin with. Some will still be very badly off and some will have much more than they need, but everyone received the same.

Equity = everyone gets what they need. Some will be given more/ less than others - some might be given nothing - but everyone is put onto an equal footing.

I think YANBU personally, OP, and I believe we should be aiming for equity and equal chances, both as a society and in our personal lives.

But it is subjective - people see this differently, and I can see why some are saying YABU.

At the end of the day you will just have to do what you believe is right.