Page 6 | Adult sibling jealousy

AuntMargo · 2022-10-03T12:03:32+00:00

I have 2 girls, one is in a relationship with her partner who has a well paid job, of around £70k a year and she earns around 40K. They have 2 children and have been together since they were 17yrs, they own 2 properties, one they rent the other is their home. They have a good lifestyle. My 2nd girl is a single mother ( father and his family offer no suppport at all) to a my granddaughter who is same age as their eldest. She has a part time job, and claims UC and rents. She was never as clever as the eldest and had a bad coercive controlled relationship several years ago, and she is still suffering the insecurities from that. We all want to go on a big holiday, it would mean I will have to pay fo the daughter who is a single mum, the other thinks I should pay the equivalent for her family, her response was, why should I be penalised because we have good jobs ! They earn more than me and hubby, I would pay for holiday out of my savings. I think she is being incredibly selfish as I cannot afford to pay for both!. There have been other scenarios over the years, where said daughter has shown resentment and jealousy of other daughter, I look after her child more, she has no one else at all and has to work. AIBU to tell my daughter she is selfish and being greedy !

oakleaffy · 03/10/2022 15:22

xogossipgirlxo · 03/10/2022 15:04

Haha, are you for real? Many people agree with DD1.

Show quote history

Only 20Percent do-
80 percent support the “Poorer” daughter.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 03/10/2022 15:22

OP, I think you are in a difficult position.

I have a number of siblings and one gets more support from our parents in terms of financially, childcare, house repairs, cleaning etc. It mildly irritates the rest of us from time to time but the way my mum especially sees it as she's trying to find some sort of equaliser to balance out the unfairness of life, as my sister needs more support.

Our issues is more to do with our sister's victim mentality and over dependence on our parents than an issue with them. For the sake of our parents we don't vent to them about us but I would be lying if I said we didn't have the odd private moan about it. Just make sure your younger daughter is doing as much to help herself as you are.

As my dad said to be once, aren't you lucky you aren't the one we have to worry about? Maybe remind your older daughter of that. That you aren't trying to be unfair but rather balance opportunities for them both.

Smineusername · 03/10/2022 15:25

If she has all that money then maybe she should be helping her sister and neice out? Don't understand how people can hoard wealth while their own family struggle. Don't apologise OP you've done nothing wrong, she sounds very selfish.

oakleaffy · 03/10/2022 15:25

A big family holiday might be a bit awkward if there are undercurrents and resentments going on.

xogossipgirlxo · 03/10/2022 15:29

hellywelly3 · 03/10/2022 15:22

@xogossipgirlxo i have asked but I’m just told that sensible enough to make right decisions. I think that’s the problem I’m always seen as sensible and reliable. My sis can make any selfish choices or silly decisions she wants as our parents always there to pick up the pieces. Things like getting a car she can’t afford the insurance for, buying pets she can’t look after.

Ugh, it's terrible then 😣Funny that parents demand equal attention from both children once they get older, after they treat them like this.

xogossipgirlxo · 03/10/2022 15:30

oakleaffy · 03/10/2022 15:22

Only 20Percent do-
80 percent support the “Poorer” daughter.

Show quote history

I haven't voted, so don't know. I read the posts and you can see many stories similar to OP's family. They didn't turn out well.

Smineusername · 03/10/2022 15:30

It's The Prodigal Son, innit.

You help the one who needs the help.

Lol at all the rich twats pitying the rich daughter. Get a bloody grip

Dalaidramailama · 03/10/2022 15:33

I think you shouldn’t be enabling your daughter who can’t afford to go. Your other daughter is right, it’s not her fault she earns more and worked for it etc. You either pay equal amounts to both kids or you simply don’t pay anything at all. If she can’t afford it that is her problem and she therefore can’t go. It’s a principle isn’t it? You treat your kids equally.

MichelleScarn · 03/10/2022 15:36

Smineusername · 03/10/2022 15:25

If she has all that money then maybe she should be helping her sister and neice out? Don't understand how people can hoard wealth while their own family struggle. Don't apologise OP you've done nothing wrong, she sounds very selfish.

So the dd1 and her husband who both work full time and pay for child care should along with the dm be subsidising the dd2 who works part time and gets free childcare? 🤔

Mummommy · 03/10/2022 15:38

Within my family dynamics I would be in the same position as you’re DD1. Personally it can be very hurtful and damaging to see parents extending varying levels of support to not only siblings but siblings DC. As many PP above have noted it’s not about actually paying for the holiday it’s about the principle and treating your DC equally.
I don’t have any other advice because this is a very difficult one but what I will say from a DD who has gone NC with mother part of it was because she treated me and my siblings very differently. If you were to ever need a financial assistance from your children you would most definitely reach out to DD1 and she may resent you asking considering you have been somewhat reluctant to support her in other ways in comparison to DD2. Make it as fair as you can.

Ffsmakeitstop · 03/10/2022 15:39

Dd1 needs to be told to grow up. It sounds like you have treated all the grandchildren fairly. I would go on holiday just with dd2 and her child.

JenniferBarkley · 03/10/2022 15:40

MichelleScarn · 03/10/2022 15:36

So the dd1 and her husband who both work full time and pay for child care should along with the dm be subsidising the dd2 who works part time and gets free childcare? 🤔

Show quote history

Yes this struck me too.

PIL did all of BIL's childcare, but we don't live near them so they haven't been able to do the same for us. No resentment on our part, we're happy with our set up and get on great with PIL (and BIL), but we do think that BIL doesn't fully get that his mum saved them £10k per year per child for the preschool years.

GottaGetOutofDairy · 03/10/2022 15:40

"I don't give each of my children what they are worth, I could never afford that much. I give them what they need".

This line, used a lot by my Mum, sums it up perfectly for me.

The gift of a holiday is not a reflection of what your 2nd daughter is worth or what she deserves and more that the lack of it is a reflection on your 1st daughter's worth or deserving. It is a reflection on their need. Your 2nd daughter needs help to have a holiday. Your 1st daughter does not.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/10/2022 15:40

My auntie had the same situation with my two cousins. Her son and his wife were on very good salaries and a large new build home. Her DD was a lone parent with a 'broken down' home. Her son was very jealous of anything she spent to help out her DD, even a bag of groceries. Her solution was to help out quietly and say nothing. Auntie was very good at being 'equal' with her time and with the grandchildren so there were no problems there. It was just any money that she gave my cousin. When Auntie passed the estate was split 50/50 and they were co-executors. Going through the finances he realized how much Auntie had helped her DD. He tried to convince her that she should 'repay' him that amount out of her share. I told her that it was Auntie's money to spend in her lifetime as she saw fit, and if she didn't feel she needed to 'even Steven' the 2 siblings during her lifetime then her DD wasn't obligated to do it after her death.

My parents helped my brother out much more than me. Did I resent it? No. I was just thankful that DH and I didn't need as much help.

Why was your one DD informed that you'd be helping the other pay for the holiday? It's none of her business. In future, just slip DD the money to put in her account so she can 'pay' for holidays herself.

Keepitrealnomists · 03/10/2022 15:41

I am very LC with my parents as I am treated so differently to my sibling, he makes terrible decisions and doenst do anything to help himself yet he gets a huge amount of support. I make better decisions, good career, mortgage, ect. As a result he's a spolit, entitled man child. My relationship with my sibling is not great either because of it.

MargaretThursday · 03/10/2022 15:42

maddy68 · 03/10/2022 13:19

I think she feels that you are favouring the other daughter. This isn't about money. This is about hurt feelings.

You probably spend a lot of time helping her with child care as well and this is another blow.

She doesn't really care about the money talk to her sensibly. Take her out for a nice lunch just the two of you do she has some mum time with you

I agree with this. If she feels that the other is favoured then it may be that she can point out the money thing because that is an absolute thing she can say.

Ffsmakeitstop · 03/10/2022 15:43

Is no one reading ops updates? You know the ones where she's taken all her grandchildren on holiday. Theatre trips etc and paid for them. There is no need for jealousy.

JenniferBarkley · 03/10/2022 15:45

Ffsmakeitstop · 03/10/2022 15:43

Is no one reading ops updates? You know the ones where she's taken all her grandchildren on holiday. Theatre trips etc and paid for them. There is no need for jealousy.

There's a lot of talk about the older child, not much about the younger one(s). If one sister and her children were dropped day to day so the other could be rescued, it would be understandable for that to have repercussions.

Ffsmakeitstop · 03/10/2022 15:49

JenniferBarkley · 03/10/2022 15:45

There's a lot of talk about the older child, not much about the younger one(s). If one sister and her children were dropped day to day so the other could be rescued, it would be understandable for that to have repercussions.

Show quote history

But she's taken the kids to center parcs for a week and paid. She didn't tell dd1 hers couldn't go because she could afford to take them herself.
I despair that grown women are jealous of someone who struggles in life. It's not like she's sponging off the op. She is working.

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 15:50

AcrossthePond55 · 03/10/2022 15:40

My auntie had the same situation with my two cousins. Her son and his wife were on very good salaries and a large new build home. Her DD was a lone parent with a 'broken down' home. Her son was very jealous of anything she spent to help out her DD, even a bag of groceries. Her solution was to help out quietly and say nothing. Auntie was very good at being 'equal' with her time and with the grandchildren so there were no problems there. It was just any money that she gave my cousin. When Auntie passed the estate was split 50/50 and they were co-executors. Going through the finances he realized how much Auntie had helped her DD. He tried to convince her that she should 'repay' him that amount out of her share. I told her that it was Auntie's money to spend in her lifetime as she saw fit, and if she didn't feel she needed to 'even Steven' the 2 siblings during her lifetime then her DD wasn't obligated to do it after her death.

My parents helped my brother out much more than me. Did I resent it? No. I was just thankful that DH and I didn't need as much help.

Why was your one DD informed that you'd be helping the other pay for the holiday? It's none of her business. In future, just slip DD the money to put in her account so she can 'pay' for holidays herself.

I wouldn’t recommend dishonesty

Nottodaty · 03/10/2022 15:51

It’s a really difficult one. My younger sister has always needed a little more support due to choices she has made. (Financial and in other ways)

I could be the bitter older sister, I’m well aware my parents have done alot for her (especially financially) . But it’s none of my business.

We love spending time together and to achieve that my parents at times cover her, and sometimes I do! It’s because we enjoy each other company and time spent together is more important.

In all other ways we are treated and loved equal. I feel that!

Mummommy · 03/10/2022 15:51

Smineusername · 03/10/2022 15:25

If she has all that money then maybe she should be helping her sister and neice out? Don't understand how people can hoard wealth while their own family struggle. Don't apologise OP you've done nothing wrong, she sounds very selfish.

DM wants to support DD2 with a holiday, a holiday is a luxury. DM in fact should not pay for the holiday for DD2 if she wants to support in anyway it will be fairer
to pay DD2’s child only. If DM wants to support DD2 in anyway It should be for something career focused or educational I would almost guarantee that DD1 one would not be resenting that. Food, essential clothing, childcare I get but a holiday which is a luxury no.

Somethingneedstochange · 03/10/2022 15:51

She's behaving like a spoilt brat. How old is she? That's the sort of thing a 12 year old would say not a grown woman. She should have a little more empathy even contribute to paying for her sister.

ancientgran · 03/10/2022 15:53

I think I'd tell her to forget it, she doesn't sound very nice.

JenniferBarkley · 03/10/2022 15:53

Ffsmakeitstop · 03/10/2022 15:49

But she's taken the kids to center parcs for a week and paid. She didn't tell dd1 hers couldn't go because she could afford to take them herself.
I despair that grown women are jealous of someone who struggles in life. It's not like she's sponging off the op. She is working.

Show quote history

Look, I could be way off, but if the DD1's older DC saw OP every week, had a close relationship and then... didn't, because OP was always busy with their aunt and cousins, then a trip to centre parcs doesn't make up for this.

Maybe I'm wide of the mark, maybe she's just being a dick, but I bet her post would read differently, and the holiday is just one more instance of her being expected to do everything herself while the sister is supported by mummy at every turn.