How often should adult kids visit parents?

[Aumtumnthenwinter]

I don't want to do a massive drip feed but I find MIL exhausting as she's either whining that we don't visit enough or trying to squeeze anytime we're not sleeping into visiting/plans.

We live just over an hour away (MIL was in floods of tears pre/post move as we'd never 'see' her again...) This isn't a DP problem as he does stand his/our ground but she's just relentless.

What's the 'normal' amount of contact (she's obsessed about seeing me too, not just DP). By normal, meaning any other mother wouldn't be complaining that they've been forgotten/ruining another evening by hysterically crying that we just don't care about her.

(we also work full time, have hobbies, trying to renovate our first home and i've got friends/family too).

My parents live 15 minutes away and I see them once or twice a week. I see the PILs every day as they live next door.

DD lives 3 hours away. I last saw her at the end of May as her work schedule and mine make it difficult to see each other more often. I may see her again this year, I may not.

I visit my mum every school holiday (apart from February) - she’s 250 miles away

Once a week? Christ no. I get on perfectly OK with PIL but we have little in common so would have nothing to talk about if I saw them once a week. We share none of the same interests, they wouldn't have a clue what I do for a living, they talk endlessly about people DH doesn't know let alone me, and live in the middle of nowhere. Would drive me barmy seeing them every week – 4-6 times a year is perfect.

My own mum I see 2-3 times a week. She lives five minutes away, lives alone and my sibling lives overseas. She was fortunate enough to be able to take early retirement and wants to be a very involved grandparent, so she helps me out with school pick ups once or twice a week. We also like going out for a pub lunch together or pottering around a garden centre on my days off.

In laws it varies, as our jobs are very much 9-5 but MIL works shifts including at weekends. Probably see them once a fortnight if you averaged it over a year, they live about 30 miles away.

My mum lives 15 minutes away - I see her once every few weeks/a month ish for a few hours? And speak on the phone once or twice a week.

Whatever you do, do NOT marry nor have children until this is sorted.

In your position I wouldn't visit more than once every 8 weeks.

Do not be aparty to rewarding her hysterics.

Should you have children it would be relentless.

Be VERY firm with your partner that you are seriously unimpressed with his mothers behaviour and it is quite off putting, (which in fairness most people would find it).

Be clear you will not have your life and free time controlled and dictated to.

You have a busy life and if you start giving into hysterical behaviour you will deeply regret it.

If he wants to head there every week, let him off, but do not get caught up in her extremely selfish demands she takes priority in your private life.

I wouldn't be impressed if he spends one day of every week visiting a healthy mother with a husband.

She sounds utterly hysterical and batshit and I would be very wary.

Watch carefully how he placates her.

If he bends over backwards, it would be a big red flag for me.

Thank you so much - that actually made me a bit teary! 💐 for you

At that distance I'd see mine about once a month.

As it is, mine live about 4-5 hours away (by their choice) so I see them about 4-5 times a year for a few days at a time.

Mothers day and Christmas. Maybe once more if your not too busy and can fit it in.

I'm sure it varies.

We see my in laws once-twice a month. They lived a 30 minute drive away. There was a time when they'd be on the phone every Saturday and Sunday first thing in the morning checking what our plans were.

I see my mum once or twice a month too but we do phone each other regularly

You will get other families that are happy to nip in to see each other every day..

justmaybenot · Today 13:50

Tbh OP, I find the tone of your posts a bit nasty. It sounds like your MIL has stressed you both out through being emotional, but maybe just focus on making things work a bit better for you all rather than trying to prove that she's being unreasonable. Let your DP tell her he loves her but is finding it stressful dealing with her and everything else in his life, and that he'll try to visit or do something with her a couple of times a month if he can.

You mightn't love or like your MIL but you can at least help facilitate a more positive engagement with her - if only for your DP's sake.

How about MIL lays off the pressure herself? Nothing nasty about OP's post! MIL is needy and entitled and has her own life but just wants DS & DSIL at her beck and call. Why is it OPs problem to deal with? It's her DH who needs to man up and tell his mum she's pushing them away with overly intrusive demands!

My local council has a scheme for people in your position - they facilitate monthly tea parties for no more than 8 penshoners, held at a private house hosted by the homeowner / resident. Must have a downstairs loo. Your expected to provide tea, cake and sarnies, but the charity will help with funds if necessry. They come at 230 and leave at 430 in one of those ambo-bus things. My pensioner neighbour who lost her DH last year goes and says its fun and shes met two nice people - one man one woman - she now meets weekly for coffee.

Could you see if theres something like that or another volunteer scheem you could join? Maybe when you talk to your DC if they know your not always available now they might want to visit more often! Just a thought.

Dd lives 10 miles away I sometimes pop over to hers for coffee on a Sunday staying 1-2 hours. It’s not every week though. She comes here sometimes not regularly. Dh ( not her dad) is quite poorly and can’t cope with real visits. Dd came yesterday, stocked my freezer and cleaned the kitchen her dh chatted to mine which he enjoyed. We text every day, chat once a week I am happy.
Ds lives abroad I hadn’t seen him and his family for 3 years with Covid etc. we text and talk weekly. He and his family are in UK atm getting dgd settled at university. They will be going home next week and returning for Christmas. I feel loved and cared for by both my dc and also my dsc who visit about every 2 weeks taking turns to see their dad.

See, living 45 minutes way (I assume driving!) and only meeting twice a year is really odd IMO. But each to their own. I have a couple of friends who live 45 minutes to 60 minutes drive away, and I see them 5 or 6 times a year. (We meet halfway sometimes, and visit each others house sometimes too.) And they are just friends. Seeing adult children or parents only twice a year when it's just 45 minutes way is really odd IMO.

I know a woman who has 2 adult sons who live 5 and 10 miles away. They visit her on Christmas day, Mother's Day, and her birthday in August. THREE times a year. Her daughter goes 2-3 times a WEEK. (Usually Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday when they go to Church together.) She moans if her daughter ever cancels one of the weekly visits, and only visits TWICE in that week.

And she doesn't shut up about it for weeks when her daughter goes on holiday for a week, coz she gets NO visits then. Her daughter has to phone her every bloody night. It's batshit. Like I said, one extreme to the other. It's also batshit how she never complains about the precious sons, and treats them like Royalty on the rare occasions they can be arsed to turn up.

I do find both very odd. 2-3 times a week visits are unnecessary if the parent is able bodied and fit, and doesn't need help, and 2-3 times a year is bizarrely very little. Especially when they live fairly close to each other.

JMHO.

I see my own DM and my IL once a week each (without DH) but they all live within a 20 minute drive of us and I only work 2 days a week and take the kids for visits.
If they were an hour away I'd say maybe once or twice a month for an actual visit, but try and do a phone call or 2 in between. You can't bend to the pressure as she sounds very self centred, but I also wouldn't push to far in the opposite direction as that will make things worse.

My mum lives about an hour away and it varies from a week to a month depending how busy we both are. It's an even split between me going there, her coming to me and meeting half way. This is about double what it was before my kids/her grandkids.

I go every 3 months ish. I live 3 hours away though.

I used to see my mum pretty much every day on a pop in basis. Mil weekly for two hour visit. Both lived locally. I see adult DD and family every day (same street) Other adult DC live with me. I expect I may see DSs less than DD if they move in with women, as women tend to gravitate more to their own families. I'll just take it as it comes, as while I'd like to see them, visits from obligation would be worse than none at all.

I don't think this is a question that anyone can answer for you. Different families, different circumstances.

I live a 5 min walk from my parents and I see them most days. Before kids when we worked full time, I saw them maybe 2/3times a week.

My PIL live a 10 min drive away and we see them a couple of times a week although DH rings them most evenings.

But we like spending time with them and they don't cry about how we don't care about them etc.

If we lived an hour away then I'm sure it would be less than we do now.

well IME that's not how loving relationships work, she might think if it's his mother it's his problem, but maybe it's more that it's his responsibility and she can help him face up to that. You can say 'man up' all you like but it's not going to solve much in this case, particularly if the MIL has been very overbearing and controlling of her DCs. I don't see why he can't just have a conversation with the mother and tell her she's stressing him out a lot and that he can visit her roughly once a fortnight but to please lay off on the guilt tripping.