How often should adult kids visit parents?

[Aumtumnthenwinter]

I don't want to do a massive drip feed but I find MIL exhausting as she's either whining that we don't visit enough or trying to squeeze anytime we're not sleeping into visiting/plans.

We live just over an hour away (MIL was in floods of tears pre/post move as we'd never 'see' her again...) This isn't a DP problem as he does stand his/our ground but she's just relentless.

What's the 'normal' amount of contact (she's obsessed about seeing me too, not just DP). By normal, meaning any other mother wouldn't be complaining that they've been forgotten/ruining another evening by hysterically crying that we just don't care about her.

(we also work full time, have hobbies, trying to renovate our first home and i've got friends/family too).

This will get worse not better. Too late to nip in the bud but your DP needs to deal with it before it grows out of control. When she is elderly she will want you there everyday. If you are young and working and really only have your weekends you're entitled to spend then as you will. We live an hour and 15 from my in laws. We see them every 6-8 weeks usually, but then for the whole weekend. Sometimes it might be as long as 10-12 weeks if we are very busy or other events happen - wedding to attend or decorating. Plus 5-7 days in the summer and similar at Christmas. We only went away with them when the kids were small.

I see mine a couple times a week but I live literally round the corner. For an hours journey I'd say once a month or twice - she visits yours then you visit hers.

*I've told DP that this is ridiculous as we both have stressful jobs, hobbies and have our own lives to live. He also agrees but felt on the spot when she was wailing about visiting twice a week and thought at the time it was a fair compromise. He regrets this and isn't putting pressure on me to join for the weekly visits and she'll just have to deal with it.

You can't compromise with an unreasonable demand in the first place. 2x per week was a beyond ridiculous 'demand', and 'compromising' at 1x per week is also absurd.

You live an hour away. You work fulltime. You have other family and friends to see, too. You have hobbies. Lives of your own.

Just stop. Tell her you move farther away if she doesn't stop this nonsense and continue to ruin every visit you do have as it is. I'd tell her you're going LC while she sorts herself out, and then you will make plans on your terms, not hers.

I feel for you OP. I think if there was hysterical crying involved I would reduce visits to about once or twice a year.
Life is too short for that sort of drama shit. Unless she has dementia or some such illness then I would be more sympathetic.

I found just reading this oppressive!

I know you say this isn't a DH problem, but I think you need to make it ALL his responsibility. He does all phone calls, or social arrangements, all gift giving for his family, you do yours. You make yourself available once a month to spend a day with her, organised by your DH/MIL, that's it. If she appears at your house, then you have WFH to do or you are on your way out and she is your DH responsility. It's not your job to correct someone elses dysfunctional family dynamics.

How strange!

My son (25) is about 45 minutes from us, and we only see him a couple of times a year. He's busy with his job, girlfriend and friends. We never put any pressure on him to visit. We are busy too!

My daughter is in the US, so we don't see her at all at the moment. Just text.

I moved away from my home town aged 20. I used to see my family 2-3 times a year.

DH family are only 20 minutes up the road - he pops in for a coffee every 6 weeks. We are never invited for dinner or prolonged get togethers (which I do find a little odd, but I'm not bothered).

Everybody has their own preferences about visiting. Some people are closer, others are more independant. And sometimes life gets in the way, so people understand that it's not possible. Clearly you MIL has a strong need for validation which is draining. Maybe her son can suggest therapy?

Other mothers I heard about want their children to call them EVERY day, which I find crazy. Myself I visit my mom once a week when I can, but it's also because my DP has to bring his daughter in the same city where my mom lives, so instead of staying home, I visit my mom with the kids, but if we can't, she's ok with that.

I live an hour away from my mum and see her every week, about 45 minutes from Mil and we see her most weeks as well.. but we all get on very well and I enjoy spending that time with them. If we didn't it probably wouldn't be as often.

My parents are dead now. They used to live 40 minutes away and when DC were little we would see them once a week for an hour. Later when mum was alone and elderly I visited her on a rota with my sister so she got 2 or 3 visits a week and eventually daily.

My adult DC live 90 minutes and 30 minutes away. I see the first about every 5/6 weeks overnight and the nearer one every couple of weeks for about 2 hours.
However they haven't got families, I expect that would change.

I was lucky I had a lovely MIL, who treated me as a daughter, we saw her 3 times a week.

I am a mum to two DS’ adults now, even when they marry/live with/have gfs etc, they are still my sons, I have welcomed their gfs, I would be upset too if they couldn’t be bothered to see us on a regular basis.

I am not expecting weekly visits but every few weeks would be lovely.

It totally depends how far away they are OP, what your relationship is with them and how busy everyone is.

My DPs live 100 miles away. They don't need any support from us. We see them about 5 times per year.

MIL live 3000 miles away. She also don't need any support, but would LOVE to see more of DH. We aim to see her 1-2 times per year in a normal year. One of those times will usually be DH on his own.

We get on fine with all of them.

FWIW your MIL sounds like a needy PITA.

I would think depends hugely on how far apart you live?
I'm a two hour flight away, so about 3 times a year, but usually for about a week at a time (often work from home for a few days while there to not use up all my vacation time). My sister lives 15min drive from my mother and drops in to see her for tea and a chat pretty much every day.
When I lived an hour away, I visited most weekends, but I was a lot younger, just finished uni and initially didn't know many people where my job was located.

I'm so sorry, when did your family move to the UK from where you live?

Clearly you MIL has a strong need for validation which is draining.

This is spot on, @Anuta77, it's not really about spending quality time with her son.

I usually see my mum once a week to every two weeks. Sometimes less frequent, sometimes more. My mum usually will text that she’s made us a cottage pie or some homemade cakes we can pick up after work which usually tempts us round a little more ha. I love my mum and I like hanging out with her which helps.

My MIL I see once a year usually at Christmas my partner only slightly more than that despite living 50 minutes away. She’s not fussed on visiting or calling to catch up and has only visited us once since we’ve moved. I’m not bothered really lol, she’s a narc so it works well for us. I imagine not so much his sister who is the golden child and I imagine gets the guilts more than my partner. Tbh if I ever visit I just visit because I want to - visits would absolutely not be as frequent if it felt like obligation or like I was being guilted into it.

I know my mates older mum will moan down the phone at her, get funny if she’s going on holiday and won’t be able to call her every night and I am just thankful I don’t have that to deal with. It drains the life from her. It ruins the relationship and it makes you dread ‘having’ to go see them. Emotional blackmail does nothing but spoil the relationship and people will be sighing in relief as soon as they’ve left your house. Don’t do it.

This. Though I would add that it is lovely if families get on, live close and, for example, do Sunday lunch together most weeks.

Just to put another point of view - there is quite a distance between where we all live now, but when my grandchildren were younger, we did live quite near each other. We provided lots of (free) childcare, DIY etc., which we were happy to do. I am now a widow in my early 70’s, and very fit and active. I know that if I desperately needed help in some way, one of my offspring would come, but generally there is little or no contact. If I arrange something, there is a general get together, but it’s mainly so they see each other. At times, I feel really sad that since I am not needed for anything, I am left pretty much alone. But, it is what it is. I can’t change the situation. I know everyone has busy lives, but we also had busy lives and still managed to give our time freely to them.

I think this is just personal choice tbh. We're all different. I think at an hour drve away it'd be nice to make the effort once every 1-2 months presuming this suits your life. Her behaviour will just push you all further away and make you not wany to see her at all, surely she should see that.

I'm a parent of adult children and I do all the visiting to 2 of them for various reasons. One visits us too but I also travel to see them as they live where I sometimes work.

My children are busy, I figure by making an effort they will know how much I sitll love them.

@Ireallycantthinkofagoodone I am sorry that's the case. Sending a big hug!

I think from your update you had a dp issue. And if mumsnet has taught me one thing it's pay attention now as how he behaves could affect the rest of your lives

How does he feel about the level of contact his mum wants? What is his plan?

I would swerve everything to him. It's his family. He needs to deal with it.

I hate to be the harbinger of doom but I'd keep an eye on this as it'll show you how he expects the rest of your lives to play out. Heaven help you if you have kids.

My parents live 50 miles away. My mum visits me once a week, and I go to visit both of them 3-4 times a year.

There is no normal. My parents expect once a week, hope for more and get dramatic if it’s less. Id be happy with once a month or even less.

other families I know see each other only a few times a year, other multiple times a week

I used to see my DM every week but since she married a total idiot I now see her about once a month at the most, we do talk on the phone several times a week and I miss seeing her but I can’t deal with her husband, he’s a bully to everyone.

I would hope that my dc feel they can visit weekly when they leave home.

Get a ring doorbell, hide when she comes, and tell her you're out. Do this at first every other time then gradually increase to 3 or 4 times a week. If she complains, suggest you're busy and she should check first.