How often should adult kids visit parents?

[Aumtumnthenwinter]

I don't want to do a massive drip feed but I find MIL exhausting as she's either whining that we don't visit enough or trying to squeeze anytime we're not sleeping into visiting/plans.

We live just over an hour away (MIL was in floods of tears pre/post move as we'd never 'see' her again...) This isn't a DP problem as he does stand his/our ground but she's just relentless.

What's the 'normal' amount of contact (she's obsessed about seeing me too, not just DP). By normal, meaning any other mother wouldn't be complaining that they've been forgotten/ruining another evening by hysterically crying that we just don't care about her.

(we also work full time, have hobbies, trying to renovate our first home and i've got friends/family too).

I come from a very close family so used to see aunts, uncles, cousins every week ( or more often). Dm had 5 sisters and a b - too many cousins to count! Just expected to see relations often. V poor, bordering destitute background so lived in varying combinations! Gave each other lot of support - financial and emotional. Great in a crisis.

Didn't see in-laws much at first as they retired and travelled a lot. Once m in l was widowed she came every week on Sunday for the day, my dh only child, ( 1 hr + drive), then with her sister too when she was widowed.

Saw my mother, sister etc every 2-3 weeks.1 hr away.

Currently see ds most days, dd 3 times a month - 2 hrs min away, stay at hers for min 3+ days each time (child care). Son in L's parents go down similarly once or twice a month. ( His dd has 6 bs and a s so similar set up to my m I guess. )

As these threads always show, everyone and their situations are different. In my opinion your mother in law is unreasonable.
When my children were young my parents lived 5 hours away so it was 3 times a year us going there and they might come down for a couple of days in the summer and stay in a hotel nearby.
Local in-laws 5 miles away and moaned if it was not weekly- eventually I said once a fortnight and H went over the other weekend on his own or with with whichever child wasn’t at an activity.
I see my eldest 2 once a year as they both live far overseas with their children. ( one MIL goes much more frequently as she needs to see her daughter……)
Youngest local single working son once a fortnight for a catch-up/ cafe trip, sometimes he texts and suggests it and sometimes I do.
Local stepchildren probably more often as we do childcare but I’ve learnt from my mother in law how not to be an annoying one if you see what I mean.
2 out of the 5 adult children in this family have one in law who makes demands and I can see how it puts so much pressure on young families.
So , long story short, stick to your guns whilst being kind and not ignoring any lonely older folk in your families.

I think this boils down to how MIL is wired. My mum wants us (and my siblings) to be independent and happy. We all moved out for uni at 18, did move in for a bit after graduating but moved out once we had full-time jobs - she's never put pressure on us to be local, but to move to wherever for the best job etc. The same what her and my dad did when they got married. The way MIL is is completely alien to me but I know that a lot of people move out but still stay in the area.

MIL lived around the corner from her MIL and mum. She's hated that we've moved away (less than a 100 miles away) which caused a hella lot of wailing. DP brother lives 10 minutes away and she's always popping into his but he's single and bit of a man child (she does his cleaning/food shopping that DB isn't that keen on and moans constantly but goes along with it). Both boys stayed at home until they were in the mid twenties.

I think we made the issue of reassuring her that we weren't moving to the other end of the country and would still be present (DP should have nipped this in the bud years ago when he originally moved out but as I said before she's relentless - I'm pretty shocked what her minimum level of contact is! ).

So what MIL minimal level is contact is twice a week! Quote on quote Sunday dinner/evening and one evening for either a meal out/activity. She also wants us to do one family holiday a year (for 10-14 days) and a few weekends away. DP said this is completely undoable as we've got our own lives but will try for once a week. If we don't see her within 7 days of the previous visit all hell breaks loose (even when we've got valid reasons not just that we'd preferred to spend time with friends/can't be bothered).

I've told DP that this is ridiculous as we both have stressful jobs, hobbies and have our own lives to live. He also agrees but felt on the spot when she was wailing about visiting twice a week and thought at the time it was a fair compromise. He regrets this and isn't putting pressure on me to join for the weekly visits and she'll just have to deal with it.

She's also still happily married to his dad and has her own hobbies/friends. It's not like she's elderly sitting at home by herself relying on us for her only company. She just wants to be 'close' to her kids because she's a 'good' mother....

In laws all the time at least weekly, parents probably every month since they're a couple of hours away.

My DB sees them every other day probably.

But they'd never wail at me.

My parents cook a lovely roast whenever we visit 😄! It's definitely a highlight for me as DH and I don't do one often, so I must confess I'd be a little disappointed if the roast didn't appear (even if that's a bit entitled on my part!).

I'm close to my DP and they live 1h15 away. We see each other at least once a month, sometimes for the day, sometimes for the weekend. This seems like a normal amount to me - I love seeing them, but have work, 2DC, friends etc.

I think it depends on relationship with parents. No good or wrong answer here. I know families where adult children live nearby and visit parents almost daily, drop kids off for babysitting etc. In general these families are very close. I know some who see each other for Christmas just because they have to. My parents are in different country, last time I saw them was September 2021, I'm not planning to go there until May (nor inviting them here!). I have FIL in Cambridgeshire, we're in Yorkshire and I saw him in January, will see him for Christmas. It's too far away to just pop in for coffee, husband and I can't be bothered organising catsitter etc.

Ds1 lives about 30 mins away. We see him several times a week. We ( me and Dh) socialise with him and his partner. This weekend we saw them on Friday night and DH and DS went on a walk yesterday.
Ds2 has not longed moved out but they usually call in several times a week. DS2 and Dh do quite a bit of work together as they are in a similar industry, DH and both DS's meet up on Saturday mornings.
We all go away for a weekend about twice a year, usually February and November.

Or maybe not "can't be bothered". It's just I can't find decent one and always try to fit my holiday and days away around my neighbours' schedule, because they help us out.

I couldn't deal with that pressure from MiL! Wow, that is so needy. She is lucky she hasn't pushed your DH away completely. I'm afraid he has to be firm about it.

I must admit my DP are now in their eighties and my DM has become a bit more needy and wanting to see us more often, but this is because she has health issues and has had to stop a lot of her usual activities, so she does feel bored and lonely more often than she used to. She's 85 and I think is aware she doesn't have many good years left, so wants to see me and the kids as much as she can. So it is understandable, but even in her situation, I do have to make limits / say no sometimes as my life can get stressful and busy if I take on too much.

In your situation, there should be no guilt about saying no - she is being controlling and guilting her family into seeing her.

Once every 2 months approximately for a weekend plus usually go on holiday with them for a week. They live 2 hours away. Planning on trying to do once a month now as they need more support due to health issues.

Parents lived an hour away but we would see them once a week plus they would come over to ours (and stay overnight) every once in a while.
In later life (now both deceased) we visited more often to help with jobs around the house.

I see my parents a few times a year. Mostly as they never initiate visiting or us visiting them. They live about 3.5 hrs drive.
We see in-laws once a month as they live closer, and are much more proactive about making plans with us. We are also going to move in with them soon so we feel more obliged to spend time with them as a thank you!

Both sets of parents live about 20 minutes drive away for us. We see them each once on alternate weekends, so my DMum twice a month and the same for FIL. I absolutely won’t commit to any more as we both work FT and have our own lives to lead. Nor would they want us to visit any more than we already do, I suspect.

Interestingly, neither set of parents ever really visits us, which is fine as we don’t enjoy having visitors really, but we’d perhaps be ok with seeing them more regularly if some of the legwork was on their side rather than all being on ours.

4-6 times a year

She sounds lonely.

Does she work? Have hobbies? Friends?

Surely there is no normal? But visiting once a week is probably pretty normal if EVERYTHING aligns (everyone gets on really well, they live very very close).

In terms of being an hour away I would say that this means a visit is a full day. I would suggest once a month to once every 4 to 6 months is pretty normal, but it could be more often.

If she gets to see you once every month or two then I think she should be fairly grateful, not least if she is a fucking pain in the arse.

We see my partner’s parents / family probably once every 1.5/2 months, who live an hour away. Either them coming to us, or us going to them. Usually when it’s someone’s birthday, including my partner’s grandparents, as they’re still around.

And we see my family once every 4 months, who live 4 hours away. Usually for bank holidays or Christmas etc. and usually us going to them. But I talk to my mum and sister (who lives in the same town as my parents) on a daily basis on a group chat.

Sounds tiring but is she ok? Depressed? Lonely?

Anything from once every few weeks to once every 3-4 months is normal if you don’t live very nearby each other.

With that behaviour I'd say once a year at xmas.

I think once a month for the day if there's children, possibly slightly less if not.

Depends on the relationship. I don't like my parents so see them out of duty every month or two for birthdays/Christmas etc. If things were different probably more often. My inlaws are nice and I'd like to have seen them more but they live in another country.

I think she IBU. You are adults with your own lives. Can you phone once a week and listen to her for half an hour, so she doesn't feel forgotten?

I do wonder how many of the posters saying “once a year” would feel if, in the future, their children wanted to see them that infrequently. I imagine they would be pretty unhappy.