How often should adult kids visit parents?

[Aumtumnthenwinter]

I don't want to do a massive drip feed but I find MIL exhausting as she's either whining that we don't visit enough or trying to squeeze anytime we're not sleeping into visiting/plans.

We live just over an hour away (MIL was in floods of tears pre/post move as we'd never 'see' her again...) This isn't a DP problem as he does stand his/our ground but she's just relentless.

What's the 'normal' amount of contact (she's obsessed about seeing me too, not just DP). By normal, meaning any other mother wouldn't be complaining that they've been forgotten/ruining another evening by hysterically crying that we just don't care about her.

(we also work full time, have hobbies, trying to renovate our first home and i've got friends/family too).

Op, I can sympathise. Massively.
We live 2 hrs away from PIL and 1 hr away from my parents.

DP has one brother who lives abroad and a sister who is going through a messy separation and has moved back to her parents. Only now SIL has moved back (which she hates), have we had a bit of reprieve from the constant ‘come over, stay longer, we are all alone’ comments.

PILs don’t want to drive to us as it’s too far (but feel fine driving 2+ hours to see other family members). They expect us to go over there and do things for them (batch cook or clean). They are both working and fit and healthy. But there is a huge expectation for us to go over, and ‘serve’ and spend all our time with them (we don’t get to visit friends in the area as they want to be with us all the time) and then we need to stay overnight and do family stuff the following day. And that means we end up spending our whole weekend up and down the motorway. We just are not doing that.

I do day trips to my parents as there is no pressure to stay x long or stay overnight, or do things there!! If I felt like we could do this with PIL, and go there and relax (not cook or not clean or do things for them) I think we’d actually go more often than the once every 4-5 weeks that we do go.

Plus me and DH get the whole ‘in our culture children live with their elderly parents’ spiel… and my DH’s responses is always well you shouldn’t have moved to the UK then. People have lives outside of their parents and when you’re expected to go over, you don’t want to.

We are between a 5 and 13 hour drive from our parents. The five hour drive a couple of times a year for a few days at a time, they come here too. The 13 hour drive once a year. It’s not an achievable drive with a toddler and baby!

That's certainly my aim! I'm very close to my own mum and see her a few times a week so I suppose infrequent contact isn't what I'm used to. Of course it will be up to him however!

I live a long way from my adult children (my fault, I moved here!) so see them maybe 2-3 times a year. I do however have a life of my own - maybe that’s her problem? We phone, message, zoom frequently though

I love about 15 mins away and probably see my mum once a fortnight and my dad once a month.

I do speak to my mum everyday though. I should go see them more, I'm just lazy.

I only live 20 mins away from my parents and see them maybe every 3 weeks. We all have our own lives and things to do - but we also have a family chat on messenger which is active every day, and I speak on personal message to my mum several times a day. Nobody sulks or makes comments.

Any adult in floods of tears over such a thing is manipulative, don’t buy her bullshit. Visit as often or as little as you want.

I live the other side of town and see my mum every couple of months maybe and that will normally only be to drop something off pick something up.

Inlaws we see more same distance but they watch the younger two sometimes and hold get together/dinners.

It just depends on the relationship and what you all want, doesn't it? I don't think there's a 'normal' quota. My ex-h sees his parents roughly once every 2-3 months. They get on fine, he's just not close to them, either physically (about a 2.5 hour drive) or emotionally. My brother and his wife might go a month or so without seeing any of our side of the famiy, although they've now moved closer so it's more frequent. My sisters and I wouldn't go more than a week. I really miss my parents when they're away on holiday, I like to see them several times a week. All of us have lived further away at some points, often abroad, and then the visits naturally decreased, but we still missed them.

Have you asked her what she thinks is reasonable? Is she still with your FIL/does she live alone? I’d say it shouldn’t have to be both of you every time and does it always have to be a visit? Like can you go to the cinema or to visit somewhere together? If she’s alone then maybe your dp should visit once a week or fortnight (or meet her out) and then visit/go out with you as well once a month or so. But that’s just based on my experience. I don’t think an hour away is that far tbh especially if you can meet in the middle

My DM lives about 20 minutes away so we have more of a pop-in-on-each-other-as-and-when type arrangement, visits can be anything from 5 minutes to drop something off to 3-4 hours for an afternoon or an evening meal. We often call in for a cuppa and to say hello and tend to stay about an hour those times. Hope that helps, I know what it's like when you're trying to gauge what's 'normal'.

We live 4 hours away from my parents and have two children that have recently started school so only visit in the holidays. Very occasionally we go over for a weekend. We live 10 minutes away from my mil so visit her once a week, sometimes once a fortnight if she is busy at the weekend. They are all welcome to visit us whenever but the general expectation is that we do the legwork which I do find annoying sometimes.

I'm surprised how little people visit with their family. I went to see my father every weekend when he was alive. And now I see my son and grandson almost every weekend. I would feel really sad only seeing them once a month, or a few times a year.

Mine live about 4 miles away and I don't visit regularly. I asked my DM if she was in today as I needed to see a friend in the same village and had a text "and there's me thinking you were calling in to see me". Ffs. Friend is in work and she knows that so it will be a 2 minute visit to drop something off.

I have a friend of 42 years who lives in the same village as my parents but if I mention I've seen her my DM gets all huffy. It's exhausting.

To clarify, by "every weekend" I mean a visit on Saturday or Sunday for a few hours. Not staying together all weekend.

This is so difficult.
I also have grandchildren, so now it seems to be my responsibility that my mother sees them. God knows why.
In his latest book, David Sedaris has a great chapter on the difficulties of still being someone's child when you're coming up to middle age

Parents and in laws are both around a 3-4 hour drive from us.

I visit my parents around 3-4 times a year with DC. Usually stay 3-5 days when we visit. DH comes sometimes or will come down for the weekend, but quite often it's just me and DC.

We visit in laws together around 3 times a year... usually 2-3 day stay. DH visits them more than this by himself (his visits even out to around once a month) and often takes DC with him for the weekend.

My parents usually visit once every 2 months or so and stay a few days. In laws probably stay with us once or twice a year (they don't like the drive).

Neither parents nor in laws moan at us to visit or expect to be waited on (though we do offer to help), and both sets are very involved grandparents and will happily play with or look after DC to give us a break.

In exchange, I do take an active role in coordinating visits with both in laws and my parents to make sure DC gets to spend time with both sets of grandparents, especially over the Christmas period. They both love taking DC to meet Father Christmas and to the panto and for days out, so I try to make sure we get time with both sets in the run up to Christmas.

I'm about 2 hrs away from my parents and see them every 2-3 weeks, feel very guilty if it's any longer between visits!

There’s no “normal” amount I’d say but maybe once every couple of months?

It's likely to be a geographical thing for most people... we tend to live further from family nowadays. You're not going to do an 8-hour round trip for a 2-3 hour visit.

It depends on distance, children and how good the relationship is. I saw both sets of grandparents two to three times a year and that was fine. My kids have seen their grandparents on both sides a lot less because they were in different countries. You make it work, as long as nobody wails.

My parents once a month-ish, DH parents maybe twice a year.
Mine come to us generally as we are in the throes of kids being at multiple clubs and us not having huge amounts of time. So they often come for tea or lunch, and stop for a couple of hours. They live about 50mins away.

In-laws live further away (probably 1hr45), but rarely travel. We go up to them couple of times a year.

Surely it depends on the visit too. Why would I visit day every weekend to just sit for 15 minutes with a cup of tea. I could just call you to catch up. Unless we are going to do something, help with something etc it’s just chatting isn’t it. Most people have phones.

How old is MIL? Does she have a life outside family?

@YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer what if your son had a busy life and was trying to fit in many things, social activity etc for your grandson over the weekend. If they wanted to see friends not family one weekend would you be upset?

We see mil every week. Sometimes twice a week. She lives 10 minutes away.
My own mother, (2hrs away) we see every 6 weeks in the school holidays but we'll stay for a few days.