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Original poster

How often should adult kids visit parents?

221 replies

Aumtumnthenwinter · 03/10/2022 09:52

I don't want to do a massive drip feed but I find MIL exhausting as she's either whining that we don't visit enough or trying to squeeze anytime we're not sleeping into visiting/plans.

We live just over an hour away (MIL was in floods of tears pre/post move as we'd never 'see' her again...) This isn't a DP problem as he does stand his/our ground but she's just relentless.

What's the 'normal' amount of contact (she's obsessed about seeing me too, not just DP). By normal, meaning any other mother wouldn't be complaining that they've been forgotten/ruining another evening by hysterically crying that we just don't care about her.

(we also work full time, have hobbies, trying to renovate our first home and i've got friends/family too).

OP posts:
A580Hojas · 03/10/2022 13:29

Energydrink · 03/10/2022 12:29

i am an hour away from my parents and I see them 4-5 times a week

I see my PIL once every 3 months - they are 90 minutes away

How on earth do you manage that and how do you afford it?

arghtriffid · 03/10/2022 13:31

What a sad thread.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 03/10/2022 13:31

Too many variables. How busy are said adult children? How busy are the parents? How many of them work? How far away are they from each other?

I know several families who see their adult children every day (live a mile apart,) and others who see them twice a year. One extreme to the other IMO. BUT if people are looking after grandchildren, then of course they will see their adult children more.

We see DD every 2 weeks. She visits us (sometimes with her fiancé, sometimes alone,) once a month. Then we go see her once a month - so we see each other twice a month. She lives 20 miles away, and we do speak in between on whatsapp and twitter etc... DD works 4 days a week, I work 3, DH works 4.

I have found the parents who moan and whine that their adult children don't visit, are the ones who very VERY rarely visit their adult children themselves. They rarely ring either. They think it's the adult children's DUTY to visit and phone - especially the daughters. The sons are let off a bit more, because ya know boys will be boys..... Hmm

My mum used to give me a right ear bashing if I didn't phone her every other day, and visit 2 or 3 times a week. Even though I was a very busy mum, with a daughter, and a job, and a home to look after, and she had no kids at home, and no job, and much more time to herself. She came to mine maybe once a year, and rang me once for every 20 times I rang her! And as soon as I picked up the phone she'd say 'I thought you were dead. Haven't heard from you for DAYS.' No asking how I was or anything, just an ear bashing.

I swore I would not be that person, and NEVER complain if DD doesn't get in touch for a few days. I will just fire a tweet or whatsapp message at her saying 'hellooooo , hope you are having a good week!' No reason on earth to make your adult children feel like shit for having the temerity to not contact you for 3 days. (Like my mum did.) Didn't do it to my brother funnily enough. 'well he is soooo busy and has very little time to himself with his big important job.' My job (which I worked hard at and was good at,) and my successes in life, paled into insignificance, compared to that of the flaxen haired blue eyed boy who was/is my brother!!!

buzz91 · 03/10/2022 13:32

We visit mine and in laws about 3 times a year for roughly a week at a time - however this will drop in length or frequency with eldest being at school now, as they live opposite directions 3 hours away each. They don’t generally visit us, which I understand as when we visit there’s room for us to stay with them and there isn’t here so they’d have to pay for somewhere or do a flying visit (which they did a few times in the baby/first grandchild days).

As a kid I visited my grandparents 3 times a year, stayed with one set and went over to the other set for a few hours over a few days each time.

YouSirNeighMmmm · 03/10/2022 13:34

arghtriffid · 03/10/2022 13:31

What a sad thread.

?

Jackienory · 03/10/2022 13:35

Once/twice a week. My parents are quite local, only about 20 minutes on the Tube. My DH was brought up by two elderly and rather eccentric aunts. They lived in Brighton and I used to love going to see them. They were lovely. Sadly no longer with us.

Jackienory · 03/10/2022 13:36

arghtriffid · 03/10/2022 13:31

What a sad thread.

I agree.

xogossipgirlxo · 03/10/2022 13:41

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 03/10/2022 13:29

I do wonder how many of the posters saying “once a year” would feel if, in the future, their children wanted to see them that infrequently. I imagine they would be pretty unhappy.

I know I would be, but I live abroad and my family makes no effort to visit me. All financial burden etc. is on us and it's not cheap to fly back and forth. If I lived i.e. 3 hrs away driving distance, I would want a weekend once a month. My FIL is a nice chap, but he can't be arsed to drive up North to visit us, so burden is on us again.

xogossipgirlxo · 03/10/2022 13:43

"I have found the parents who moan and whine that their adult children don't visit, are the ones who very VERY rarely visit their adult children themselves. They rarely ring either. They think it's the adult children's DUTY to visit and phone - especially the daughters. The sons are let off a bit more, because ya know boys will be boys..... Hmm"

Yep, my mum needs to hear radio silence for a month to ring me. It's very true. My grandma is the same towards my dad. She waits for the call, almost like her phone wouldn't work the other way round.

justmaybenot · 03/10/2022 13:43

I'd find twice a week impossible time-wise as well as way too claustrophobic, and turning something that should be a pleasure into a total chore. If your DH could - would it be possible for him to say that unfortunately the pressure is really on in work and so he can only manage once a fortnight, and that you might (might) be able to make once a month. And that it's stressful and upsetting that she is so emotional about it, but that's the best he can do and that it would be hard for them to have a good relationship if she is to continue to express her displeasure and upset about it.

Spottybluepyjamas · 03/10/2022 13:43

We live about 6 hrs away, so we see them about 4 or 5 times a year. If we lived the same distance away as you we'd probably go once every 2 or 3 weeks.

DigitalGhost · 03/10/2022 13:44

I live a few streets away from mine and see them once a week.
One of my neighbours has her kids and all their kids round every day from 5pm until 10pm. Might as well just live together.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 03/10/2022 13:46

Once a month would be reasonable as you are an hour away, it is not a popping in distance. It could be more frequent if you were nearer, and wanted to.
Her expectations of twice a week are mad when you have an hour to get home! And presumably need to be up for work the next day during the week or to look after DC.
Your DH should not have agreed to twice a week, if I have understood that correctly , and I think he needs to talk to her about it and reset expectations . Yes there will be dramatics but he will have to deal with it. Maybe once a fortnight instead? And you go every other time so once every four weeks.

latetothefisting · 03/10/2022 13:48

Depends hugely on how far away you live surely? I live about 45 mins from my parents and see them about every three weeks to a month -however I also have an office where they live and my siblings and friends live there too so I often drop in to see them on the way to/back from/as part of other things (e.g meet in the middle for a rleatives bday) rather than making a trip just to see them.

Unless mil is very old or frail I would expect her to be coming to you occasionally too rather than you always going there.

Cameleongirl · 03/10/2022 13:49

I have found the parents who moan and whine that their adult children don't visit, are the ones who very VERY rarely visit their adult children themselves. They rarely ring either. They think it's the adult children's DUTY to visit and phone - especially the daughters. The sons are let off a bit more, because ya know boys will be boys..... Hmm

This is so true, @WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps ! From the OP's updates, her MIL isn't lonely or isolated, she has a husband and friends, plus another son closer by. She's not thinking about what's best for her children, it's about her, tbh.

I'd let your DH deal with it, OP. My DH regularly visits his parents without the rest of us, it doesn't need to be all or nothing.

justmaybenot · 03/10/2022 13:50

Tbh OP, I find the tone of your posts a bit nasty. It sounds like your MIL has stressed you both out through being emotional, but maybe just focus on making things work a bit better for you all rather than trying to prove that she's being unreasonable. Let your DP tell her he loves her but is finding it stressful dealing with her and everything else in his life, and that he'll try to visit or do something with her a couple of times a month if he can.

You mightn't love or like your MIL but you can at least help facilitate a more positive engagement with her - if only for your DP's sake.

Cameleongirl · 03/10/2022 13:50

My Dad also gets grumpy if I don't ring him for a couple of days...as @xogossipgirlxo says, his phone doesn't work the other way around, apparently. 😂

Idyllicidealist · 03/10/2022 13:51

I live in another country.
My adult dc visit me about once a year.
I visit them 3 or 4 times each a year.
Costs me about £500 everytime after flights, trains and a meal out to thank them for accommodation.
I'm going to be cutting back next year.
As long as they're OK that's all that matters.

toomuchlaundry · 03/10/2022 13:53

I think I would find it sad if DS's social life revolved around us rather than friends once he has left home. Much as I would miss him, I would wonder if we have failed as parents if he didn't move far from us and started his own life, rather than living 5 minutes down the road. I would think we might have failed to give him that independence to spread his wings.

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 13:54

Inevitably it the parents' expectations that are out of kilter with reality. Is your MIL helpful? Does she come over often? And help? Does she give you a hand/take care of dc occasionally? Does she understand how tiring life is these days? I assume no.

Too many parents sit back and wait for their dues (ie visits) and for their children to do all the running regardless of their circumstances. It is the epitome of entitled behaviour. in our case PIL also expected a full catering and bar service.

You have to nip this in the bud op and don't be blackmailed into visiting more than you can afford/have the energy for. Loving parents don't put themselves first, they care about their children and adjust their world view accordingly.

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 13:56

Idyllicidealist · 03/10/2022 13:51

I live in another country.
My adult dc visit me about once a year.
I visit them 3 or 4 times each a year.
Costs me about £500 everytime after flights, trains and a meal out to thank them for accommodation.
I'm going to be cutting back next year.
As long as they're OK that's all that matters.

If you move overseas you can't really expect people to afford flights and time off to accommodate your lifestyle choices. The onus will be on you to travel back.

hiredandsqueak · 03/10/2022 13:57

My adult dc visit once a week unless they have plans and don't or they decide to pop in midweek unannounced and then I see them twice. I make no demands it's entirely up to them.
The weekly visit here is so that they and their adult siblings (ASD) who live at home get to spend time together and also because they like to have Saturday brunch here and go home with cake I've made (home cooking seems to be a lure tbh)

Cameleongirl · 03/10/2022 14:01

hiredandsqueak · 03/10/2022 13:57

My adult dc visit once a week unless they have plans and don't or they decide to pop in midweek unannounced and then I see them twice. I make no demands it's entirely up to them.
The weekly visit here is so that they and their adult siblings (ASD) who live at home get to spend time together and also because they like to have Saturday brunch here and go home with cake I've made (home cooking seems to be a lure tbh)

I think that's a lovely arrangement and I'll be quite happy if home cooking is part of the lure for my two when they've left home. 😂The drama and pressure that the OP and her DH are experiencing isn't normal, IMHO, I'd be pleased if my adult children were off living their lives. Of course, I'd want to see them, but if they're renovating their house, for example, I wouldn't expect weekly visits as that's their opportunity to get things done.

Bonnieblueeyes · 03/10/2022 14:05

I live 5 minutes from my DP and see them once a week for a few hours at a time. I also call my mum once a week. I'd see them more but they live with my older sis and BIL and two nephews and they get a bit funny with people just popping in which is fair enough as it's their house. My DH parents have both passed so there are only mine left.

I guess it depends on the relationship you have with the MIL. Also is she in a position to come visit you? At least then you share the travelling.

Booklover3 · 03/10/2022 14:06

My husband is getting better at this. In-laws usually see the kids every week but they majorly guilt trip when they can’t, or if they are about to go on holiday. If they are going on holiday they expect us to drop everything to see them in the day or so before they go… for a two week holiday. This has stopped. They go on holiday a lot. And we are actually very busy. I wouldn’t mind them coming round actually but they have to be hosted they won’t just let us get on with stuff we need to do.