How often should adult kids visit parents?

[Aumtumnthenwinter]

I don't want to do a massive drip feed but I find MIL exhausting as she's either whining that we don't visit enough or trying to squeeze anytime we're not sleeping into visiting/plans.

We live just over an hour away (MIL was in floods of tears pre/post move as we'd never 'see' her again...) This isn't a DP problem as he does stand his/our ground but she's just relentless.

What's the 'normal' amount of contact (she's obsessed about seeing me too, not just DP). By normal, meaning any other mother wouldn't be complaining that they've been forgotten/ruining another evening by hysterically crying that we just don't care about her.

(we also work full time, have hobbies, trying to renovate our first home and i've got friends/family too).

my deceased in laws an hour away probably once a month one month we would go there next month the other way round but when they were older and frailer and not driving then we would go once a month ( i'm not counting end of life months)
my Mom is 6 hours away twice a year for about 5 days this year was more as my Dad died in February so 4 visits this year will probably stay at 2 bisits to her and maybe she will come by train once a year

We have two adult DC, one lives 1.5 hours in one direction, the other lives 2 hours in the other direction. We see them about once per month, sometimes a couple of times per month if we arrange to meet halfway. We're absolutely fine with that, and we love to see each other. My DH sees his parents at least 2 times per week and it's never been enough. 35 years of whining that they never see us, they feel so alone etc. I see them every few months as DH stops off on his way home from work. It's water off a ducks back to me but DH is deep in the Fog.

That's the plan!

Also she’s likely failing to realise that her grasping attempts to pull you and your DH closer are obviously pushing you away further. She is failing to validate your feelings and only concerned with her own. Family therapy on communication skills and boundaries might help the relationship but it’s really up to your DH to decide whether he wants to try that (and obviously MIL would have to be on board). It would be lovely if you and DH could get to the point with her that you felt your boundaries were clear and respected and all parties took responsibility for their own emotions, then you could actually enjoy your time with her assuming it is enjoyable when she’s not whining that you don’t visit enough.

My in-laws live round the corner and I see them 4-5 days a week as they look after the dog for us while we work.

My parents are about 40 minutes away. I see my mum 2-3 times a month but I haven't seen my dad for two years 🤷🏻‍♀️

I am hoping to see adult children once a month without any sort of overnight stay required. I hardly saw my Mother as an adult but she allowed us to be sexually abused as children so she was lucky I had any contact, it was very infrequently.

But MN is full of people who cut contact at the drop of a hat for minor issues quite often. I know I’m odd but I think a lot of people on here don’t think they are odd when they clearly are. Many introverts which is one thing but also anti social people who like to think they are introverts, very different types of people really.

We see DH's parents about once every 3 months. They are about 90 miles away.

We see mine once a year max, often longer - they live 14hrs drive away.

Of course your MIL behaviour is crap, I’m interested in how often you actually see her.

We live about an hour away from MIL and used to live an hour away from my parents. Saw them about once a month before kids. Then once every 2/3 weeks once we had kids. But pre kids we rarely visited each other’s families, we just went by ourselves. I would just not visit as often as your partner does, just go every 4th visit or so.

We aim to see both sets of parents at least once a month. Sometimes it works out more and sometimes it's less. DH's parents are about a 5-10 minute drive while mine are about 30ish minutes away. I think if we lived further away from either of them we might see them a little less but I'd still like to aim for once every month or two.

Oh OP I've asked this question myself so many many times. If we don't see the in-laws every week for a time they deem as acceptable then we get the dramatics too! We've just got back off holiday and have been getting the drama of "we've not seeeeeeeen you in ageeeees" - we saw them twice last week. It's exhausting! My MIL is the same, if just DH goes she thinks I suddenly hate her or similar. We live too close imo (about 15 mins how she drives 😂) and this doesn't help. We see my parents once a month for a coffee or similar, it's much more relaxed.

I live 10 minutes walk from my parents' house. We're really close and see each other 2-3 times a week, with phone contact most days.
But if you're over an hour away and have a MIL that drives you potty, I'd say twice a year would be enough.

As often as they want to. If you formed a close bond with your children they will want to as often as they physically can.

I visit my parents about twice a week but they live 15 minutes away. If they lived an hour away maybe 2 or 3 times a month?

If I lived an hour away from my parents I'd probably see them every 2-3 weeks or so for a day.

My DDs live 30 and 45 minutes away, and we probably meet once a week/once a fortnight.

My own mum lives 1.5 hours away and I do a guilt visit of an hour maybe every couple of months. If my late MIL had been local in sure we'd have seen her at least weekly, as she was wonderful. But as she was 2.5 hours away we'd (back in the day) go at least every school holiday for two or three days or more.

Why do you have to be the ones to visit them? Can’t they drive to see you too sometimes?

We see ours 2 or 3 times a week. But tend to be short visits. Having said that, we all get along, so it isn’t a strain. Depends on your relationship with them too.

The above replies are very much inline with what I was expecting.

I also live a similar distance from my mum but there's no set routine. Sometimes it works out seeing each other twice a month as there's a family event/she needs help/I need help/doing something in my home town or sometimes it's a few months between visits but we phone regularly. She never puts pressure on us, sometimes says it would be nice to see us if it's been quite a while, but she understands that we're young adults and busy. DP quite likes our set up

I think DP was cornered into promising that we/he would still visit as the distance wouldn't be an issue. Since DP moved out from his parents he's had the same issue therefore it's not like she's been happy with the routine before we moved away.

Just for a little more 'research' (ammo for the next time she kicks off), what would be the 'expected/normal' amount to socialise if we were say, 20 minutes, down the road? MIL isn't a fan of just 'popping in' for say an hour or so therefore that doesn't count as a visit.

I live less than a mile from my parent and see her every 2-3 weeks.

I see my MIL every week (often more) but she lives a lot closer than yours does. She's lovely and I still visit her when my DH is working away. DD will also pop in on her when she's home from uni.

I try to see my own parents every couple of weeks and I've phoned every day since the first lockdown to check in that they ok as they both have health issues. DH probably only sees them once every couple of months.

I'd say 2-3 hours is plenty. It's how long I would spend with a friend if we were meeting up during the day on the weekend.

My parents have both been dead for some years, so my routine is probably out of date. I was an only child, so it all fell on me. Until they were seventy, they lived about three hours away, much too far for a casual visit. So I suggested that they should move near me.

They then lived within 20 minutes of us ( it varied as we moved house). The guiding principle which we all agreed was ‘little and often’ so we would go to a garden centre and have coffees , pop round for coffee , do some clothes shopping and occasionally have lunch or dinner.

When they had health problems, the proximity made both our lives easier.

We were lucky I think in being able to discuss contact and make a rational plan.

I couldn’t be bothered with the wailing, that would be a big red flag!

My in laws are both passed away now but we used to see them about once every 4-6 weeks, they lived an hour and a bit away. Sometimes that would be visiting overnight when the children were small, or meeting for Sunday lunch somewhere. My parents also passed away, lived 6 hours away, so we say them 3 or 4 times per year. They can to us at least twice and stayed a week or so at a time and we went to them once or twice and again stayed about a week.

Now we have grown up children ourselves, we never put expectation on them. Daughter lives in Europe (for work) so we see her and boyfriend about 3 times a year or so. Son lives about 90 mins away, so we see him and GF slightly more often, maybe every 6 to 8 weeks.

My inlaws live in walking distance and they looked after my eldest and then my youngest one day a week up until this September so I'd see them at least once a week and when I was on maternity I'd still go round on that day and we'd go to playgroup and I'd have lunch with them. They probably babysit a couple of times a month and we pop round on a weekend a few times a month. They don't tend to pop round ours unless there's something to pick up/drop off. We also have the odd family meal with my sil and her dc too, we go on a family holiday once a year too.
My mum lives about 15mins away I go round there for a few hours most Mondays but not all.

@Menwithvenn make sure he doesn't find being around you hard work?

My parents both live c3 hours away so we don't see them very often. Probably see DM about 4/5 times a year but DF much less because I find him and his partner hard work and not very child friendly.

Sadly DP's mum died just under two years ago. She did live about 1.5 hours away but we didn't see her that often. Possibly once a month or maybe once every two months. It was all very one sided though, we didn't drive at the time and DD was small so we were expected to take 2-3 trains to get there.