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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How often should adult kids visit parents?

221 replies

Aumtumnthenwinter · 03/10/2022 09:52

I don't want to do a massive drip feed but I find MIL exhausting as she's either whining that we don't visit enough or trying to squeeze anytime we're not sleeping into visiting/plans.

We live just over an hour away (MIL was in floods of tears pre/post move as we'd never 'see' her again...) This isn't a DP problem as he does stand his/our ground but she's just relentless.

What's the 'normal' amount of contact (she's obsessed about seeing me too, not just DP). By normal, meaning any other mother wouldn't be complaining that they've been forgotten/ruining another evening by hysterically crying that we just don't care about her.

(we also work full time, have hobbies, trying to renovate our first home and i've got friends/family too).

OP posts:
Amazongirl9 · 03/10/2022 12:10

Your situation sounds almost identical to my DS and DIL regarding distance and busy lives etc. I would love to see them once a month, DH is more chilled about it. I’ve spoken to friends and I do think it’s more of a Mum thing. But they have busy lives and it’s not a distance where you can pop in for a quick cuppa. We have seen DS 4 times this year and DIL twice. Not because she was avoiding us but because DS was visiting friends who live nearby and then popped to us before going home. I’m really careful not to apply pressure but I do miss them. Also I saw DIL once, just me and her had a day out and met up in the city. I think it’s normal for parents to miss adult kids far more than they miss us. But MILs behaviour isn’t reasonable.

dontputitthere · 03/10/2022 12:14

Joshanddonna · 03/10/2022 12:04

I suppose imagine your children now. Fast forward twenty years and wonder how you would feel if you only saw them twice a year or whatever.
Also imagine that you see your parents/in-laws or whatever infrequently and then they die and you’re never going to see them again. Then once you’ve worked out how that all makes you feel then calculate how often you want to see them.

You reap what you sow

If you're a emotionally manipulating crying wailing banshee people are less likely to want to spend time with you.

Who knew.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 03/10/2022 12:14

When my Mum was still alive she lived about 20 mins away. She used to do child care 3 times a week, but once that stopped, we'd generally see each other once or twice a week. I'd pop down there, or she'd pop up to us, or we'd go out for food or something.

But its important to note that thats an average. Sometimes we'd spend an entire weekend at hers because my brothers family were visiting, sometimes we'd go 3 weeks without seeing each other because either we or her would be busy. There'd definitely be no ructions or tears if we didn't see her for a while!

My Dad on the other hand is only in the country for around 6 months of the year. I'll generally see him every fortnight and my DP / DD about once a month. Mainly because we don't really like him very much. For a long time this frequency suited him, but he's started to get a bit lonelier as he's gotten older and is trying to organise stuff more often.

Your MIL sounds deeply manipulative, I'd be reading the riot act to her saying this can't continue, and then hanging up the phone every time she starts guilting you or the tears start

maddy68 · 03/10/2022 12:18

I live in a different country. I try to get back to see my mum every 6 wks or so

When I lived near it would be weekly

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 12:19

I have realised if I want my dc to visit often I need to make sure it is enjoyable, provide a lovely hot lunch or dinner and a warm atmosphere to come to. We have each other to moan to, we would not waste time with our dc whinging unless it was serious and needed to tell them.
We will organise fun family days and holidays in the future, all welcome.
If you are generous, kind and good company I am sure that is enough for most kids to enjoy the visits.
I would have killed for a roast when my children were babies. Or to sleep on my parents sofa!

sourcreampringle · 03/10/2022 12:20

Distance is a big factor!
See MIL every week as she is local. My parents are a couple of hours away so as much as possible but it’s not as simple to ‘pop round’

familyissues12345 · 03/10/2022 12:22

We see my parents probably once a month on average - usually spending a full day with them. My parents aren't that happy with that, but as the children have got older it's become harder to have any more free time, esp as they'd expert it to be an entire day (wouldn't be happy with a pop in for a cup of tea) so they've had to manage with once a month. Upto them really!

When they are alive we saw the in laws every two weeks as we always visited their area then (DS1 contact with his Dad) but we didn't spend more than a couple of hours with them - they were happy with that, both a lot older than my parents.

Weirdlynormal · 03/10/2022 12:22

You need to retrain her. Popping has got to be introduced. It's that or nothing MIL...

SuperCamp · 03/10/2022 12:25

The issue is her behaviour.

You can visit her all she likes, but she will still be crying hysterically every time she can manufacture an excuse to say you don't care about her.

However infrequently I visited my parents, or how often I (don't) see my young adult DC NO ONE would be 'crying hysterically' , guilt tripping, etc etc.

Agree to go or invite her when it suits you. That's IT. That's the reasonable amount.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 03/10/2022 12:27

i see my dm once a week
my ds less frequently but wil pop over shortly, so i can pop over weekly for a minute.
mil died but too far away to be relevant

Energydrink · 03/10/2022 12:29

i am an hour away from my parents and I see them 4-5 times a week

I see my PIL once every 3 months - they are 90 minutes away

Kissingfrogs25 · 03/10/2022 12:30

Energydrink · 03/10/2022 12:29

i am an hour away from my parents and I see them 4-5 times a week

I see my PIL once every 3 months - they are 90 minutes away

How do you fit in seeing your parents five times a week if they are an hour away?? Confused

Sage396 · 03/10/2022 12:31

My family lives 5 hours away and we see them maybe 4 times a year for a week or so at a time.

DP's parents live 30 minutes away. It actually really varies depending on what's going on. Sometimes we'll see them twice a week or other times once a month. I'd say on average every 3 weeks.

We don't have time after work during the week, and don't always want to spend a Saturday or Sunday evening at theirs. They always prefer us to stay for dinner and spend the evening, whereas we'd go more frequently if we were able to easily pop by for a cup of tea and a quick catch up.

pattihews · 03/10/2022 12:31

Haven't RTFT, replying only to OP. Is there any possibility that she might be starting on the path to dementia, OP? My MIL became very dependent on my DP and it was only in retrospect that we realised she'd started to feel confused and forgetful and panicky. When she was feeling confused she picked up the phone and asked DP or I to go and visit — but she didn't explain why, just that she wanted us to come.

gatehouseoffleet · 03/10/2022 12:32

If someone started crying hysterically to me I wouldn't see them at all! FGS she's an adult, not a toddler.

As it is, my mum lives three hours away and I have seen her about five times this year (for at least two nights at a time).

CookPassBabtridge · 03/10/2022 12:33

Once a month for both sets and that is plenty, both have news to catch up on and have recovered from last visit 😆

gatehouseoffleet · 03/10/2022 12:33

Is there any possibility that she might be starting on the path to dementia

Why do MNers think that everything is down to dementia. Only 1/3 of people get it. Far more likely that she just needs to get a life of her own.

gatehouseoffleet · 03/10/2022 12:34

(They always prefer us to stay for dinner and spend the evening, whereas we'd go more frequently if we were able to easily pop by for a cup of tea and a quick catch up

I would do what I wanted to in this instance. I don't like driving in the dark, so a daytime visit for tea and a piece of cake would suit me much better than a later night dinner.

ilovepixie · 03/10/2022 12:35

My mum lives just under an hour away and I see her once a week.

pattihews · 03/10/2022 12:36

gatehouseoffleet · 03/10/2022 12:33

Is there any possibility that she might be starting on the path to dementia

Why do MNers think that everything is down to dementia. Only 1/3 of people get it. Far more likely that she just needs to get a life of her own.

Because, if you read the rest of my post, in the case of my MIL it was the start of dementia. And it's a fairly standard starting point.

JaceLancs · 03/10/2022 12:37

I used to visit my parents 1-2 times a month
DD and I meet up most weeks for a swim or coffee but if either of us are busy then it can get 2-3 weeks - we message most days though

Postpartumreset · 03/10/2022 12:37

We're an hour away from my parents and half an hour from MIL. Pre kids we saw them every 4-6 weeks, MIL a bit more often as she's on her own. Now we have a baby, my parents visit every week which I like for company on mat leave and to keep things fair ish I try to see MIL once a fortnight with the baby, but I find her hard work to talk to one on one and it always feels rather strained but she seems to enjoy it. Would prefer to see her with DP but we also like to keep some weekends for just us or for seeing friends who work during the week. Around me, lots of people live close to their families so have more frequent visits. My experience was always out of step but seems to align with lots of you on here!

AuntMargo · 03/10/2022 12:40

At least twice a week if I can, I would prefer more often, I love my mum and love her company, but , with put with my own work, and grandchild caring commitments I cannot manage anymore.

Bearsporridge · 03/10/2022 12:40

I had one of these too - I’m using the past tense because we shifted our thinking around it. She talks to dh daily, sometimes a few times. He visits a couple of times a week, taking whichever dc is willing. I roll up once a month or so with all the dc, and they come to dinner in ours about once a month. (I’d happily have them more often but they criticise dh for things that need doing in the garden/house and he’d rather not)

we’re comfortable with that level of contact.

She still guilt trips, tries to manipulate the dc, and we just accept that’s grandma being grandma. She’s married, with other dc and gc nearby and a much fuller social life than mine. I dread to think what she’s be like if she were actually lonely.

We haven’t had any big discussions about this; it’s far easier to just do your thing and let people get used to it. If I was waiting for her to see reason, I’d be waiting a long time.

Cassimin · 03/10/2022 12:41

My parents lived over an hours drive and we saw them once a week.
I saw my Nana every day for over 10 years until she died. Helped her out with shopping etc until she died. I had 2 jobs 3 children and dogs to look after, it was exhausting.
Still have older children at home but the one who has moved out I see a lot as I provide childcare.
we all have lunch together on Sunday.
I did the same growing up so I suppose it’s natural to us to see each other so much.