How often should adult kids visit parents?

[Aumtumnthenwinter]

I don't want to do a massive drip feed but I find MIL exhausting as she's either whining that we don't visit enough or trying to squeeze anytime we're not sleeping into visiting/plans.

We live just over an hour away (MIL was in floods of tears pre/post move as we'd never 'see' her again...) This isn't a DP problem as he does stand his/our ground but she's just relentless.

What's the 'normal' amount of contact (she's obsessed about seeing me too, not just DP). By normal, meaning any other mother wouldn't be complaining that they've been forgotten/ruining another evening by hysterically crying that we just don't care about her.

(we also work full time, have hobbies, trying to renovate our first home and i've got friends/family too).

Is he an only son?

I'm guessing no kids yet as I didn't see it mentioned. Pre kids I lived about an hour away from my parents. We'd make it down maybe once every 4-6 weeks.

But they're very understanding. Always said they understood as we're working we were busy. Never put any pressure on us.

Is there anything stopping her from visiting you?

But frankly anyone who cried and emotionally blackmailed me into visiting would get fewer visits not more. She sounds a nightmare.

My parents live 10 mins up the road so I see them once every week or two, but my mum wouldn't have a melt if I didn't, I actively want to.

As of in laws, they live a couple of hours away, we see them once every few months or so, alternating between them visiting us and us visiting them. Again though they wouldn't kick off if we didn't see them for a few months.

I have adult DC, one lives a 5+ hour drive away (quicker by plane/train), she comes home a couple of times a year and we visit a couple of times. We spent 3 weeks together this summer. We are still close but she is living her young single adult days (after 3 years at uni).
DC2 is a couple of hours away and at uni we visit at least once a term and they come home for part of the holidays.
I never wail or complain I don't see them enough as I know if I wanted to see them more I could. There are no GC yet.
I see my parents about once a week, they live 20 minutes away and I usually pop round at the weekend for tea and a chat my DH only comes occasionally as it is me that they want to see. Sometimes we are busy, or they are so we miss a week. My in laws live a similar distance away, I have been to their house once this year and they have been here 3 times, we do see them at family events and DH will pop over to see them if it has been a while.

4 times a year, sometimes less.

You are now obliged to see anyone, you are adult.
DP needs to tell her and let her get used to the idea.
No one is entitled to your time and life op.

Used to see ours about 3 times each year, stayed for a few days each time. Suited us all perfectly.

Similar, 3-6 times, a few days up to a week at Easter/summer/Christmas/half term but not a visit every one of these and certainly not a week for every visit. Sometimes my parents had one of the children visit for a whole half term week, so then there would be a drop off one weekend and pick up the next with an overnight stay.

I did talk to my mother a lot on the phone though, at certain times at least and we did email as well.

Wow I'm so surprised at these. DH sees his mum weekly. I speak to my mum on the phone every day and we see each other every 2 months (she lives opposite side of country)

I think it depends on your lifestyle and how much spare time you have I personally see my parents 5 days a week and either phone my mum or message her on the days that I don’t see her but that has only been since April when my DH and I lost our dog in April and now I don’t like being in our house on my own because it’s too quiet without her but I use to see them as often as I could and I would have 4+ hour phone conversations with my mum. I enjoy going and seeing my parents and spending time with them because it gets me out of the house but I am very close to my parents. My sister on the other hand lives over the road from our parents and only ever sees or speaks to them when she wants something or they need her to do something for them that she can use to make herself centre of attention.

Depends.. my mum lived 3 hrs away and we’d probably see each other 4 times a year for a weekend or when the kids were little she’d come and stay for a week in the school holidays for childcare. She’s now moved to a 5 hour drive so will probably see her twice a year.
Pre covid, MIL used to come about 4 times a year and stay for at least 5 nights - but when she’s here it’s like having a 4 year old and she needs everything doing for her. Now, she chooses not to come as shes worried about travelling on public transport but still visits her friends by public transport! (So not sure of the difference 🤷‍♀️)
we rarely visit her as even when she knows we’re coming, she doesn’t get anything in for us (eg bread for sandwiches as she doesn’t eat it - but does when she’s at ours! And coffee - which she drinks at ours too! Etc)so it ends up costing us a fortune as we have to basically buy everything for when we go -
I basically got rid of the home phone so when MIL rings she has to ring DH direct and I always let it go to answer phone if she rings me. It’s his mum so he needs to sort it.
she sucks the energy out of me as she moans about everything, she’s tight with money, incredibly self centred, I could go on! She also
favours DS noticeably over DD so I can’t be doing with it - but she doesn’t have much of a relationship with them anyway as she was/is always too busy doing other stuff when invited.

In-laws are 4.5 hours away, parents are in the States.

Obviously we physically see the in-laws more, six times a year and my parents will come over once every few years for almost two weeks (most of it spent travelling around the UK or Europe).

Both of us talk to our parents every week, DH several times a week.

I love it this way tbh. If we lived closer to either of them, they would likely visit several times a week and I like both sets in small doses. The thought of having to hear about cricket or football for hours and FIL’s negative remarks about MIL and pa bickering and mumbling under breath with my own parents makes me cringe. I don’t want to have that negative energy in our home more than we have to.

See my parents twice a year for a week at a time, I live really far away so we stop over to see other family at the same time and I love my folks they are easy to get on with.

My MIL every damn day. She lives on the next street. It's waaaay to much and really gets me down especially when she comes round in a vile mood and takes it out on us.

I see my parents with my young son at least once a week if not more. My husbands side though we only see 2-3 times a year. We both have very different relationships with our parents.

I’m happy if my adult children manage to get to see me 3/4 times a year. I have three daughters.
Two manage to get here at least twice a year, usually a bit more. Funnily enough, the daughter with a car and a husband that drives never visits, even though I have enough space to comfortably accommodate them.
Then she grumbles that she rarely sees me!
She’s 4 hours away from me, which is the same distance for me to get to her. Families are hard work. Agree to see mil at Christmas and sometime during the summer, after that, be ruthless. You have your own busy lives…

The point is that nobody is ever going to choose to spend much time with people who are hard work. My parents never understood this so when I did see them they did nothing but complain they never saw me, imply that I was stuck up because I lived in London, bitch about my weight, moan about other people and pick fights on every available subject to put me in my place.

The result was I saw them as little as possible.

Your MIL needs to be told her behaviour is putting you off.

Both sets are about 3 hours away.

See them about 3 or 4 times a year.

We recently had MIL to stay for a weekend and said never again. She’s such hard work, so negative and rude , and wants entertaining 24/7, and we were exhausted afterwards. I had a headache for 3 days afterwards.

I live 3.5-4 hrs away from my family now and we try to see each other every 6-8 weeks, though if there's a birthday going on that doesn't quite coincide with a planned longer trip we'll travel down 2 weekends in a row.

An hour away we would be there every Sunday for dinner as we did when we lived in our hometown, provided I had enough fuel in my car for the journey. Me and the kids would anyway, I wouldnt force OH to come (he has only visited twice since we moved, he generally stays at home with the dogs).

One of my parents is now seriously ill so I look at these situations from a more emotional POV. I couldn't imagine not visiting as often as I can afford to, we might meet up every 6 weeks which by some peoples standards is a lot, but that only works out to my youngest seeing my parents for a total of 26 days in his nearly 3 years of life. We will have more days, but it's not and never ever will be enough.

One DD lives locally. We speak on the phone most days but we can go a month without seeing each other.

Oldest DS lives a couple of hours away. He likes to surprise us with his visits. He was with us at Christmas and has walked in twice since then. We will see him again later this month.

DD - probably twice a year.

Younger DS - three or four times a year

Youngest DD - every couple of months over the last couple of years but now working so no idea!

I have grown up boys, I get on extremely well with my daughters in law. My husband and I see our younger son who lives less than ten minutes away at least a couple of times a week. Our older son lives about an hour and a half away (very close to his in laws). We probably see him between one or two times a month but have an open invitation to go and stay there with them. We all enjoy each other’s company, I am extremely lucky!
It does seem to be very dependent on the boy’s partner if they are straight and sadly you only need to read the MIL posts here on Mumsnet to realise there is often a strained relationship between daughter and mother in law which I think stems from both of those ladies feeling like they have to possess the man in question. It can be such a lovely relationship and it’s very sad that it seems to so often be the very opposite.

I see my mum twice a week as she does some childcare for us. The in laws much less frequently now that they've stopped doing childcare (live too far away with DS now at school). I would say roughly once every 3-4 weeks. DH doesn't seem bothered by that though. He has siblings who I think see his parents more regularly whereas I'm an only one.

Depends on a lot of factors - how close you are (physically and emotionally), what their needs are, the relationship you have. When my parents lived 2.5 hours away I would go every 6-8 weeks for a weekend. Now mum is close by I see her a couple of times a week.

One a year in our case. We live abroad and either DC visit us or we visit them. It would be nice to see the grandchildren more often, but you can’t have everything. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We chat in a group chat in WhatsApp inbetween times.

Works for us.

I suppose imagine your children now. Fast forward twenty years and wonder how you would feel if you only saw them twice a year or whatever.
Also imagine that you see your parents/in-laws or whatever infrequently and then they die and you’re never going to see them again. Then once you’ve worked out how that all makes you feel then calculate how often you want to see them.

I wouldn’t make any effort to see this person, she sounds draining.

When my children were children and not adults I saw my MIL twice a week, my mother once a week.

Now they are grown it's about twice a month, but a pop in for cup of tea when they pass the door too.

They were both about about 25 mins away so it made things a bit easier. Before I had children one lived two hours away and we only saw them once every two months.

My son turns 20 in December. He lives about an hour away. I miss him so much and love spending time with him, as does my mum who he’s always been very close to. I would hate to feel like an arduous chore for him. I want him to see me because he wants to. Sometimes he pops in if he’s nearby. Sometimes it can be a couple of months in between. It’s hard for me but he has a busy working life, as do I. I invited all family round yesterday and spent quality time together including roast dinner. We send odd comments to each other via SM and have the odd phone call. Mum does the same with him. I know she’d like to see him more but she understands. Sometimes he’ll visit her and not me. He knows he’ll always get a warm welcome and I think we make visits as pleasurable as poss. We definitely don’t waste our precious time nagging about lack of contact. He does get an extra long hug though when it’s been a while which he has to endure but he does!!

We live a 5 hour drive from my parents and a short flight from in laws. We see both a few times a year during school holidays. If we lived an hour away I'd see my own parents about once a month and in laws maybe once every 8 weeks or so (DH visits his family on his own too). It'd probably be less if they were as manipulative as your MIL sounds though!