To think that commenting on someone's weightloss isn't nice?

[Miajk]

I've lost a fair bit of weight (probably more than 3 stone).

I understand that people of course will notice this but when someone comments on it it makes me feel really horrible.

"You look great lately, you've lost so much weight" - seems nice but just makes me feel like there was something wrong or worse about me before. It validates the way I felt being overweight (like everyone is judging the way I look).

Oddly enough, when someone just says "have you lost weight? You look slimmer/fit/smaller" it doesn't bother me as it's kind of matter of fact. But the implication that I look better due to losing weight bothers me.

I guess there's an extra layer of complexity as I was recovering from an eating disorder when I gained weight. And now it makes me so self conscious and makes me feel like I can never gain the weight back as people are so observant.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I too sensitive?

And now it makes me so self conscious and makes me feel like I can never gain the weight back as people are so observant.
Does anyone else feel this way or am I too sensitive?

In this particular example you're being too sensitive, yes (though understandably due to your ED).

Literally no-one (apart from possibly your doctor) gives a shit whether you regain the weight or not. Why would they?

Your post totally resonates with me.

I lost 3 stone a few years ago, and found it upsetting when people who normally didn't speak to me came over in the playground to tell me 'how much better I looked' now that I was slimmer. It felt as though they only wanted to be seen with me now that I looked more acceptable. I am exactly the same person whether I weigh 8 stone or 18 stone, I'm not worth more or less depending on my body size and I still have the same personality.

If friends lose weight, I never comment on it unless they specifically mention it, but make sure that I let them know that they're still a friend that I care about whatever size they are. They are just slightly bigger or smaller versions of themselves!

It is usually people who are a bit obsessed with body image who comment. Even if well-meaning, it really isn't helpful or necessary.

I wouldn't comment on anyone's weight. It's private.

However, I tell people how well they look anytime I notice it. And sometimes when I just think they would like to hear that someone thinks they look good.

Cutting off a leg would certainly reduce someone's weight but might not help them feel better.

I totally get it OP. I especially dislike it when people ask me how much weight I lost. And then exclaim “Wow! That’s amazing.” Makes me feel like I was an absolute elephant before.
I just find it really embarrassing discussing my body with colleagues.

When I lost 2 stone a few years back I loved those comments

It's really difficult.

I was out with some ex work colleagues I rarely see on Friday night. One of the ladies had lost a huge amount of weight and looked fantastic. But also last time I'd seen her she had been going through an immensely stressful period, so she could also have looked so well as she was past that.

As someone whose weight has fluctuated- sadly mostly on an upward trajectory these days - I said she looked amazing, but didn't mention weight or weight loss, so I hope I did the right thing.

I have lost 2 stone of baby weight and I wish people would comment on it! But they probably don’t because of this sort of attitude.

I asked this same thing when I lost 5 stone through health anxiety and trauma and was upset that I had to explain 20 times a day that I was afraid of dying young through covid so I’d lost weight through fear - not to “look better”, I’m still essentially the same face and personality I was before.

I was told I was being unreasonable but I still don’t think I am. Imagine saying “you look great! Whats your secret? WW? Slimming world?” And being told “no it’s cancer”. That’s why people should shuttup about other peoples bodies.

especially dislike it when people ask me how much weight I lost.

Anyone who asks me how much weight I have lost (for the record it's 20kg and counting) I shrug and say I'm not sure, my weigh always fluctuates.

What are they going to do with that information other than express surprise at how overweight I used to be. No one needs to be reminded about how overweight they are or were. Chances are they really, really already know.

People have told me how well I look with weight loss. Which is hard to respond to considering I have colitis and have lost weight through being ill.

I do see your point but I think sometimes people can't do right for doing wrong. If no-one ever commented you might be on here asking if people are not acknowledging because they're jealous or if they don't notice. Sometimes people just say things because they want to say something nice and haven't given thought to the myriad other ways that their comment might be taken, they just want to say something nice. I would rather that than a world where no-one ever tries to say anything nice for fear of upsetting me.

@Nachobutt

they just want to say something nice. I would rather that than a world where no-one ever tries to say anything nice for fear of upsetting me.

I'm not sure that I follow this reasoning.

Absolutely, say something nice.

People are pointing out that it's possible to say that someone looks well or great or glowing etc without specifically asking about the number of pounds of weight lost.

Not difficult to grasp really. It's a small adjustment that can never be wrong. Why not just go with it?

Because people's lives are busy and they don't always think through every nuance of everything they say? I certainly don't.

YANBU.

It’s like they are saying only now you have human worth.

It’s no secret that fatphobia is real.

But you always were the same person underneath it all.

It’s a shallow world, and it’s sad.

It’s like they are saying only now you have human worth.

You look nice, you've lost loads doesn't really euqal you weren't worthy human unless people have mega chips on theirs shoulder, bluntly...
I think, now I am talking about intentinoal weightloss, some people are very heavily projecting their own previous feelings into this.

I actually now wonder whether people who did feel all that negative feelings fat people often say about themselves on MN are doing the above and whether if you were happy even fat you are more likely to take compliment rather than look for something sinister behind them. Nothing personal. Just curious now and going by experience and what I've seen online.

This 👆

@InCheesusWeTrust

This is one of those things where you have to have the experience (from both sides) to know what you are talking about.

Believe you me (or don’t) but people do treat you like less of a human when you’re overweight.
And after loosing weight how they treat you so differently, it shows, people can tell how differently you are treated.

And I’m sure someone now wants to say it must be confidence or the way they care themselves now or look happier to make themselves feel better, but it’s not.
People are more comfortable around ”normal” weight people. Something about extra weight triggers them and they blame it on the overweight person.

@YouAreNotBatman why do you think I didn't have experience of both sides?
I even said earlier about how much I lost

YABVU

Okey, then colour me suprised with your answer then.

I don't think it's consciously that you look nice now therefore worse before - but I think it can be a double edge sword. Often when people comment they get the wrong end of the stick and our society encourages the assumption that thinner always better. I found that when I was smaller and has lost weight peoples comments pleased me at the time but over time played in to a very unhealthy mindset of me not knowing when to stop what had become a punishing and unhealthy pattern of eating-exercising. It reminded me of how 'public property' it felt to be pregnant with lots of people feeling able to comment on my size and sometimes touch.

This is different though. When people say you look too thin, then its not a compliment. They are trying to criticise you and thats very rude.

When people tell you you look great, just take it as a compliment.

I think it's rude to comment on someone's weight unprompted. If someone was talking about it then I might comment "you look great" or whatever else is appropriate in the moment but I certainly wouldn't be the one to say "have you lost weight?" I lost loads of weight a couple of years ago due to a mental health crisis where I was so anxious that I could barely function and had absolutely zero appetite. So many friends and family members commented on how good I looked and asked what my secret was. I could hardly say "oh I'm having an existential crisis and feeling like absolute shit so I'm not eating much" to the vast majority of people so it put me in a difficult spot and made me even more aware of my mental health. No one asking how you've lost weight wants to hear about someone's mental illness! So I've learned from that, and don't comment on weight loss/gain etc of others unless they bring it up first.

OP I never, ever comment on another woman's body shape - because it felt so intrusive to me when people 'complimented' me on losing weight. Why is it anyone's business what size I am? The compliments just confirmed my sense that as a woman my body is perpetually assessed and judged. I know they meant well, so I wasn't hostile back. But I make it policy to never comment on anyone else's body. I still offer compliments like 'I love your dress/shoes/ jewellery' or I'll say 'you look lovely'. But 'you've lost weight'? Never.

YABU.