To think that commenting on someone's weightloss isn't nice?

[Miajk]

I've lost a fair bit of weight (probably more than 3 stone).

I understand that people of course will notice this but when someone comments on it it makes me feel really horrible.

"You look great lately, you've lost so much weight" - seems nice but just makes me feel like there was something wrong or worse about me before. It validates the way I felt being overweight (like everyone is judging the way I look).

Oddly enough, when someone just says "have you lost weight? You look slimmer/fit/smaller" it doesn't bother me as it's kind of matter of fact. But the implication that I look better due to losing weight bothers me.

I guess there's an extra layer of complexity as I was recovering from an eating disorder when I gained weight. And now it makes me so self conscious and makes me feel like I can never gain the weight back as people are so observant.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I too sensitive?

Ugh. I hate it too.
Much better if people just said 'hi you look great'. Don't mention weight at all.

I feel pretty much the same. I've recovered from an eating disorder I had when I was younger, gained a few stone over the years and now I'm losing weight so that I feel healthier.

I haven't lost enough for people to notice yet, but I do plan to lose quite a bit. Rather than looking forward to the 'compliments' I'm dreading them, for the exact same reasons as you. I don't want to feel like everyone thought I looked awful before. I don't want to be treated with more respect because I'm slimmer.

I'm the exact same person whether I weigh 8st or 12st. I have the same level of intelligence and skills at both weights.

Did no one get compliments before they lost weight? I often got some on dress or hair, or even swimsuit (it was actually really nice one lol). Like the overall "you look nice today" when I put myself together a bit

Say 'you look great today' if you have to say anything. Or 'you look well, it's so nice to see you.'

Oh dear. You obviously haven't seen all the MN threads where people have said they always take "You look well" to mean "You've gained weight"

Honestly, the day will come where no-one will be able to say anything for fear of causing offence.

No I haven't seen those threads and in that case, just say it's lovely to see them.

But making judgements in your comments about people's appearance (regardless of how nice you feel you are being) is unacceptable and unnecessary.

And no, I am not afraid to say things. But I am definitely trying to be more thoughtful about the words I use.

How is it poor taste to use an example relevant to the conversation?

My close friend lost weight due to serious illness and it upsets her a lot when everyone comments. It's not a compliment and it makes it very awkward for her to try to explain. She's been unwell for a few years now and it's not a nice reminder to her either.

Pointing out that many people in various circumstances don't welcome comments on their body isn't in poor taste. I think you and the poster you're agreeing with are trying to deflect that you probably make comments like this without much thought.

I totally get where you are coming from. Unless you have lost a lot of weight I think it is hard for people to relate, but they think they are being nice when they say this.

I think often the compliments and "you look great " comments are because if the person is eating really well and possibly also exercising then they do look great. It's very different to loosing weight due to illness. They often have a glow about them and just look healthy and look really good. You can usually tell the difference but yes it's rude to pass comment and tell someone they have lost too much weight

Have you never paid anyone a compliment or received one?

Are people so sensitive that they look for offence in everything?

If someone said to me "you look great in green, it really suits you" or have you had your hair done? I love it" I don't immediately think "I must have looked shit before". I just thank them for the compliment.

@RampantIvy it depends who is saying it and the reason why.

Most compliments are made with underlying tones of male dominance.

Benevolent sexism is still sexism.

Subtle judgement is still judgement.

Backhanded compliments are just shitty.

I love it when people notice, so do my colleagues. I’d find it rude not to comment when sometimes obviously lost a fair amount of weight.

I have some colleagues tell me I don’t need to lose weight, I’ve lost too much etc. They mean well

It's more tactful to let the weight loser introduce the topic. Weight loss might be unintended so not unalloyed good news, even if a person was overweight to begin with.

Exactly

it depends who is saying it and the reason why.

I think I must know some nicer people than most mumsnetters. No-one I know among friends, family and workmates would make a backhanded compliment about my appearance. Either that or people read far too much into what is probably a straightforward compliment and are insecure and over sensitive about their appearance, and overthink everything.

If someone told me they thought I looked well it would mean just that, not that I look fat, but most mumsnetters think that it means they have put on weight.

Most compliments are made with underlying tones of male dominance.

No they aren't, they really aren't (well not in my case anyway).

For the record I am over 60 and look it, and if someone paid me a compliment I would take it in the spirit in which it was meant.

You are NOT being unreasonable!

No-one has the right to comment on your weight loss. It’s a personal thing.

I know I’ve been there. I once had a women shout out to me “Oo you’ve lost a ton of weight”. I ignored her at that moment as it was in front of a group of people. But it hurt why embarrass me in front of people. I would never comment on someone’s weight loss or weight gain. Some people are just rude!
I guess some people who’ve never had weight/body issues in their life don’t understand how it feels to be spoken to like that.

Most people who don't look great, whatever the reason, actually know it.
If you lost weight because you want to - take the win. You didn't like being overweight, and now you look better because some of the weight is gone.

If you can't be honest with yourself about looking better now, that is a bit of an issue and I don't know how you can handle it. I grew my hair out over the lockdowns and for the following year, just to see how it was. I hated it, so i got it cut short again. Everyone said how much better it looked. I am assuming they all thought it looked bad before but were too polite/kind to mention it. Their compliments now don't negate their "restraint" then.

@Brefugee but your hair was probably absolutely fine long but it probably suits and flatters you so much better when it's short.

but your hair was probably absolutely fine long but it probably suits and flatters you so much better when it's short.

no, it was really not lovely at all. I do have a few photos, and it's really very horrible. I look (and act) completely different with a style that suits me. Even when i had it styled, as longer hair, it was horrible. But it was worth the try.

I guess my point is, yes people shouldn't comment on people's appearance. But we know that compliments can really boost your day. I love being out with my adult DDs because girls these days seem to run over to someone with a great look, lovely hair, a nice skirt, etc and tell them that.

What i have noticed is that these compliments are based on things that people choose about themselves, that they can change easily and are usually a matter of taste. And that chimes with lots of comments on this thread. I do it at work too "nice tie" or "love the shoes" or "your hair looks nice today" etc. And it's quite amazing to see the difference in people, and our following interactions too.

People in uk tell you you look great even if you have smudged mascara from rain....
It doesn't mean you looked shite before😁

"Is my make up ok?"
"Yeah, you look great! Really good today"
Passes a mirror 15 min later
"ffs"

I’ve lost 3 stone recently and am quite enjoying getting compliments, but I know what you mean about weight being an unwanted focus. I don’t often comment on other people’s weight losses for that reason.
still…I suppose people are being very nice and well meaning with their comments, so maybe just smile and say thanks.

Same. I lost 20kg a few years ago. The compliments incentivised me to keep going and I really enjoyed them.

I actually have received back-handed compliments before. Things like “Wow! You actually look nice today” or “Those trousers actually make you look slim!” It’s not pleasant to receive those kinds of comments at work. I don’t care what my co-workers think of me. I dress professionally and make sure my hair/teeth/whatever is clean and brushed. I really don’t need them commenting on my weight loss/gain.

I can’t see your point but it wouldn’t bother me personally.

I’m slim and people always comment on it when I lose a few pounds (usually not on purpose or for good reasons) and I don’t think much of it. And that’s knowing I’m about to bounce back to my default weight/size.

Also, with more significant, deliberate weight loss, it’s surely nice to have someone acknowledge your efforts?

Meant to say CAN* see your point.

I get what you mean OP. My Dsis said it to someone in front of a lot of other people and I told her later not to (afterwards), as I could see the person was embarrassed. I was cringing inside...because she said it with so much enthusiasm. "You've lost so much weight, you look great".

Dsis has never had a weight problem, so I don't think she realises how it feels .