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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that commenting on someone's weightloss isn't nice?

127 replies

Miajk · 02/10/2022 23:14

I've lost a fair bit of weight (probably more than 3 stone).

I understand that people of course will notice this but when someone comments on it it makes me feel really horrible.

"You look great lately, you've lost so much weight" - seems nice but just makes me feel like there was something wrong or worse about me before. It validates the way I felt being overweight (like everyone is judging the way I look).

Oddly enough, when someone just says "have you lost weight? You look slimmer/fit/smaller" it doesn't bother me as it's kind of matter of fact. But the implication that I look better due to losing weight bothers me.

I guess there's an extra layer of complexity as I was recovering from an eating disorder when I gained weight. And now it makes me so self conscious and makes me feel like I can never gain the weight back as people are so observant.

Does anyone else feel this way or am I too sensitive?

OP posts:
WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 03/10/2022 17:19

@Miajk

If you were 3 stone overweight and needed to lose the weight, then even though it's not PC to say this, you WILL look better than you did before. No-one looks better fat than they do slim/athletic.

It's a bit silly to be offended by this.

InCheesusWeTrust · 03/10/2022 17:20

Everything is "assesed and judged".
Body fat, haurcuts, haurcolours, clothes, nails, earrings, shoes, make up...
People comment on thousands of aspects of our body or what we are covering our body with.
Imho, as pps, compliment on looking good after losing weight is basically like compliment after having haircut.
You look different, people will notice. People comment on different.

Again, people should though make sure it was not an unintentional loss due to issues, not just dieting before commenting.

hellcatspangle · 03/10/2022 17:20

I agree, I bloody hate it. One of the skinny ones at the gym who I've known for years says "oh you've lost weight!" every time she sees me, even when I've put bloody weight on.

I'm sure she thinks she's paying me a compliment but in truth I rarely weigh myself, I can just tell by my clothes. I wish she'd piss off quite honestly.

InCheesusWeTrust · 03/10/2022 17:21

The compliments just confirmed my sense that as a woman my body is perpetually assessed and judged.

Just to add tp this. Man get comments on weightloss (and weightgain!) All the time

ColeensBoot · 03/10/2022 17:24

OP that is why I never ever comment on anyone's weight. Loss or not. Losing weight does not warrant a 'dont you look well'.

It's awful.

YANBU

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 03/10/2022 17:26

InCheesusWeTrust · 03/10/2022 17:21

The compliments just confirmed my sense that as a woman my body is perpetually assessed and judged.

Just to add tp this. Man get comments on weightloss (and weightgain!) All the time

Agree. Men get judged, and commented on all the time too. DH's weight has gone up and down and up and down over the 30 years we have been together, and every time he sees old work colleagues (who he hasn't seen for 5-7 years or so,) they just HAVE to make a comment about his weight.

It's nearly always negative too. 'Practicing for your role as Santa are ya?' one bloke said last year, whilst prodding his belly. I have actually said some pretty rude things back to them, including commenting on that one bloke's hair loss. I don't give a shit if I offended him either. Insult my husband, and poke fun at his weight gain will you? Crack on, but feel my fucking wrath mate!Hmm

mathanxiety · 03/10/2022 17:26

I don't think you're being too 'sensitive'...

I do think you need to talk about the inner voice element of ED with a therapist. I think the voice that judges is still there waiting to ambush you.

It's that voice that you are hearing on the lips of other people.

They mean no harm or offense.

Original poster
Miajk · 03/10/2022 17:31

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 03/10/2022 17:19

@Miajk

If you were 3 stone overweight and needed to lose the weight, then even though it's not PC to say this, you WILL look better than you did before. No-one looks better fat than they do slim/athletic.

It's a bit silly to be offended by this.

But my point is that commenting positively on someone losing weight works on the assumption that it's always a good thing. But that's not true (some people lose weight due to illness, eating disorders, grief).

So question is, why does the fact that someone is slimmer matter more than the reasons behind why? I wouldn't want to congratulate someone on being thin if it's because they have cancer. No one probably would. So why do we always assume it must be a welcome comment?

OP posts:
silverclock222 · 03/10/2022 17:31

God no, I've lost tons of weight and am delighted when anyone comments, makes me feel so good because I was badly overweight.

InCheesusWeTrust · 03/10/2022 17:32

mathanxiety · 03/10/2022 17:26

I don't think you're being too 'sensitive'...

I do think you need to talk about the inner voice element of ED with a therapist. I think the voice that judges is still there waiting to ambush you.

It's that voice that you are hearing on the lips of other people.

They mean no harm or offense.

Aw that is well said!

Bubbles2022 · 03/10/2022 17:34

I get this.

I've lost ten stone & the amount of people who tell me I now look pretty winds me up.

I now reply " just because I was fat doesn't mean I was unattractive"

silverclock222 · 03/10/2022 17:35

Miajk · 03/10/2022 17:31

But my point is that commenting positively on someone losing weight works on the assumption that it's always a good thing. But that's not true (some people lose weight due to illness, eating disorders, grief).

So question is, why does the fact that someone is slimmer matter more than the reasons behind why? I wouldn't want to congratulate someone on being thin if it's because they have cancer. No one probably would. So why do we always assume it must be a welcome comment?

Show quote history

For someone to feel confident in congratulating you they must know you well enough to know you were previously overweight. You're reading too much into it. YABU for using a cancer sufferer as an example though.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 03/10/2022 17:36

All I can suggest to the people who are sooooo offended at people saying they look better/prettier now they are thinner; just regain the weight. They'll soon stop the compliments then.

Fuxake this place sometimes! Confused

InCheesusWeTrust · 03/10/2022 17:37

Bubbles2022 · 03/10/2022 17:34

I get this.

I've lost ten stone & the amount of people who tell me I now look pretty winds me up.

I now reply " just because I was fat doesn't mean I was unattractive"

Well if they actually say you look prettier now, i would be peed of too

Rainydaize · 03/10/2022 17:37

I've had the comments about how my weight loss appears to have slowed down a bit now....
Umm. Yes it has. I'm focusing on another part of my health at the moment and I'm OK with that!

pictish · 03/10/2022 17:40

I lost a huge amount of weight, like nearly 10 stone. I don’t mind it when people comment because truth be told, I don’t carry weight well and looked bloody awful when I was fat.

SisterAgatha · 03/10/2022 17:44

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 03/10/2022 17:36

All I can suggest to the people who are sooooo offended at people saying they look better/prettier now they are thinner; just regain the weight. They'll soon stop the compliments then.

Fuxake this place sometimes! Confused

This is my point. If you’ve lost it through cancer treatment or illness, having to explain that, or dodge it or even be reminded by every Tom dick or Harry to decides to comment on your body, is not a compliment and it isn’t as easy as regaining the weight because often you can’t. It’s a constant reminder by people who have no real interest anyway, the compliment is not a compliment.

it’s this attitude that everyone must be so gleeful to be thin that it must be commented on. Just don’t talk about someone’s body.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 03/10/2022 17:46

AnnaMagnani · 02/10/2022 23:25

Personally I love it.

However wait for 'you don't want to lose any more' when you are thinner than them but still off a healthy weight.

Nobody wants to lose the fat friend who makes them feel better about themselves.

Yup! All the time

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 03/10/2022 17:52

pictish · 03/10/2022 17:40

I lost a huge amount of weight, like nearly 10 stone. I don’t mind it when people comment because truth be told, I don’t carry weight well and looked bloody awful when I was fat.

This. ^ I know it doesn't suit people to hear this, but most people WILL look better after a 10 stone weight loss, (if they were 10 stone overweight obviously, not if they were 5 stone overweight.)

Fact is everyone looks better slimmer/fit/athletic than they do when they are fat/obese. They just do, whether people like it or not. Some people look OK fat, but will still look better thinner.

So yeah, to the poster who was 'annoyed' at people saying she looks prettier after losing 10 stone. The person said this because you probably do.

@silverclock222

YABU for using a cancer sufferer as an example though.

Yeah, a few posters have done this. Very bad form, and very poor taste. Hmm

SisterAgatha · 03/10/2022 17:55

The cancer example, it’s true though. I lost my weight as part of an eating disorder and was complimented daily. You don’t know why someone has lost 10 stone. So to out of the blue bring that to the table and directly ask them to talk about it, is poor taste imo.

Stop commenting on people bodies and you should be good.

Oneandone · 03/10/2022 17:58

I have long term health problems and only ever lose weight when I'm unwell. I too find the compliments annoying because people usually tell me I look good when I'm feeling shit. I think its important to judge people on their intentions though and remember they are trying to be nice.

feckoffbrian · 03/10/2022 17:59

Regardless of whether or not people think you look better if you lost weight, it's a stupid thing to say. You should not feel obliged to sit back at take the compliment. That's lazy sexism at its finest.

Say 'you look great today' if you have to say anything. Or 'you look well, it's so nice to see you.'

I find it so weird that people feel they have the right to comment directly on other peoples bodies. Even if they are 'trying to be nice' (which is code for clumsy backhanded compliments that are not compliments).

Ragged · 03/10/2022 18:01

makes me feel like there was something wrong or worse about me before

I have exactly the same thought. I smile & pretend that was kind of them to notice... but secretly I'm thinking "Aha! You disapproved before, didn't you?" The bottom line is to stop caring what other people think about your appearance. It's fairly useless information. Treat it like banal chitchat it is. They can like coffee when I don't, they can like steak when I don't. Their opinion on how I look is about as important as those preferences.

SheWentWest · 03/10/2022 18:03

Totally patronising. Also , what if you had a serious or terminal illness or something.

pictish · 03/10/2022 18:08

To add, I have maintained 9 and a half stone for three years now. A year or so ago I got ill (gastric flu) and there followed a bout of stress that suppressed my appetite, so I lost more and became quite thin. A few people wasted no time in telling me I ‘needed to stop now’ and looked haggard/gaunt/knackered.
I must admit that annoyed me.