Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

1000 replies

PurpleLampShades · 02/10/2022 17:00

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

OP posts:
boogieboogie · 02/10/2022 17:09

Sorry to hear this is happening to you, You must feel understandably frustrated at the situation and probably a bit saddened by it too.
I think you should leave them alone for 3/4 days, just grit your teeth and get through it, then see if he turns up at your house, I bet he does.. Either that or text him saying you understand he's upset but you'd love to talk and just meet somewhere near by. This late twenties woman who's seeing (and possibly sleeping with!?) your 16 yo DS must be a bit strange? Hopefully your DS will realise that soon enough!
I really hope things improve for you OP x

Rocketclub · 02/10/2022 17:14

Report to the police and social services in writing about grooming being not just older man and younger girl but the other genders too and role reversal use explicit words eg how they met. Safeguarding concerns. Any mental health issues he had, if he was sexually active before 16 etc what steps you took

send a copy of your letter to the police, ss, his school and also your local mp.
include as much factual detail as you can

Sirzy · 02/10/2022 17:14

It’s very worrying is he in school or college?

the problem is as much as your gut is telling you to try to keep him away from here your playing right into her hands and helping her narrative. As hard as it is I would send him a message to say you love him and will be there whenever he needs you and then take a step back

A580Hojas · 02/10/2022 17:20

Yabu.

Isitsixoclockalready · 02/10/2022 17:23

A580Hojas · 02/10/2022 17:20

Yabu.

Why?

Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 02/10/2022 17:27

If you read your post from the perspective of your DS, I’m not surprised he’s withdrawing from you because your need for things to be different - for him to be different - probably doesn’t feel great to him. Is there a different way you could interact with him to encourage him to come closer to you? Is it possible that taking a step back, stopping the pushing/pleasing/punishing, allowing him the autonomy to make his own mistakes and giving him an emotionally safe landing when it all comes crashing could give different results?

What do you feel makes the relationship abusive? How extreme is the situation? Is he in physical / emotional / financial danger?

Are there needs that he might be getting met with the woman? Controlling situations can sometimes feel like safety and security because they negate the need to think for oneself and take responsibility. Are there different ways you could encourage him to get those needs met so he feels safer to leave the relationship?

Isitsixoclockalready · 02/10/2022 17:29

Everylittlethingsgonnabealright · 02/10/2022 17:27

If you read your post from the perspective of your DS, I’m not surprised he’s withdrawing from you because your need for things to be different - for him to be different - probably doesn’t feel great to him. Is there a different way you could interact with him to encourage him to come closer to you? Is it possible that taking a step back, stopping the pushing/pleasing/punishing, allowing him the autonomy to make his own mistakes and giving him an emotionally safe landing when it all comes crashing could give different results?

What do you feel makes the relationship abusive? How extreme is the situation? Is he in physical / emotional / financial danger?

Are there needs that he might be getting met with the woman? Controlling situations can sometimes feel like safety and security because they negate the need to think for oneself and take responsibility. Are there different ways you could encourage him to get those needs met so he feels safer to leave the relationship?

I think that the OP is rightfully concerned for the well-being of her son who is only 16. Were it a 16 year old female and a man of the age that the OP described, would it be different?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/10/2022 17:31

I think you're quite right to be concerned but I think you need to back off a bit, you're playing right into her hands and pushing him towards her.

ImEasyLikeSundayMorning · 02/10/2022 17:33

Well that's fucking weird.

Can you give us a little bit of a time line and what has occurred until this point?

Electric1Driver2lessVehicle3 · 02/10/2022 17:35

Is your DS still going to school or college ?

I thought people had to be in education until 18 now

Have you reported to their school or college ?

girlmom21 · 02/10/2022 17:36

How long ago did he turn 16?

Is he in education? Can you talk to someone involved in safeguarding at school or college and at least find out make sure he's ok through them?

EmeraldShamrock1 · 02/10/2022 17:40

Shit that is awful. He is very young, I don't know the answers to stop him.

I know when I dated an older manipulative man when I was 18 that I was living in fear of the repercussions of offending him even when I needed to be saved.

Thankfully I seen the light but not unharmed by then.

She is a strange woman dating a 16 y.o you're not dealing with normal here.

CaptainSamCarter · 02/10/2022 17:42

Did they meet before he was 16? Because if not I expect there's very little social services/ the police can do as it's not illegal and he would be deemed as having the capacity to make those decisions. It would be different if he was under 16 when they met though.

ChocHotolate · 02/10/2022 17:42

Could you speak to the police about it in terms of grooming and a child being sexually exploited by an older adult?

hadtochangetothisone · 02/10/2022 17:45

I can't believe people are saying 'leave them to it ' !

This is a child safeguarding issue. Grooming is not purely young girls and older men !!

OP you need to speak to child safeguarding/protection at your local police ASAP !!

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 02/10/2022 17:52

He is in college, but I’m not sure if he’s been this past week.
I feel it’s abusive because she controls him and he just does what she tells him. I don’t feel like she makes him happy. It seem like the opposite. He seems like he is more and more miserable.
I found out about it because he told me he didn’t want anything doing for his 16th because she was arranging something. When I asked a few more questions and actually saw her when she picked him up and I saw how much older she is it all kicked off a bit because I was horrified. I told him she was much too old for him, asked what was wrong with her etc. He told her what I said and they both were angry and it got worse. I wasn’t invited to his birthday and she has basically brainwashed him.

OP posts:
Noteverybodylives · 02/10/2022 17:56

How awful!

Does the school/college know?
I would definitely be in contact with them.

It’s hard but you have to be very careful you are not pushing him away, as this is exactly what this women wants you to do.

The more you tell a 16 year old not to do something, the more they are going to.

Is he missing his education?
I would try and come at it from a different angle - tell him that he needs to get a good job to try and support this women but he’s not going to be able to do that if he keeps missing his education.

I would try not to say anything negative about her at all.

I would also make a rule that until he is 18 he is not staying out over night during the week.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 02/10/2022 17:58

So this has been going on before he was 16? I'd be speaking to the college and police in that case.

Thegroaninggurner · 02/10/2022 18:00

The trouble is I guess is because he is 16 so able to make his own mind up. Now whilst you can see through all the flannel he is not mature enough to, I agree with other posters the more of a fuss your making the more your driving him into her arms and the more divide it's causing between you. Perhaps takes a step back, tell him you love him and you will always be there for him. He will come to his senses eventually but at the moment your basically pushing him away and playing right into her hands.

realynotfair · 02/10/2022 18:00

I doubt social services or the police will do anything at all. My 14 year old was regularly in a house I didn't want them to be and the adult there refused to send my child out to me. No powers to do anything apparently.

Summerfun54321 · 02/10/2022 18:00

It’s very worrying that you aren’t allowed to see or speak to him if you go around. A child moving in with an adult after 5 months is very unusual and I would worry about coercive control domestic abuse. You not being allowed to have any contact with him reminds me of the Alex Skeel case.

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 02/10/2022 18:01

I already spoke to the police. They weren’t really interested because hes 16 and can live where he likes. I can keep phoning them but what’s going to be different? I’m going to speak to his college tomorrow. He’s only been there for a few weeks so I’m not even sure they’ll know who he is.

OP posts:
AmInormallk · 02/10/2022 18:05

When I was nearly 15, I moved in with a 27 year old man. I had to, i was homeless (and I know it is a different situation

My advice is OP you need to get him out of there asap - cos this shit is going to shape his life. I am not sure who would help though

GlitteryFarts · 02/10/2022 18:05

College will have a safeguarding officer who will have experience in this. Ask for an appointment directly with them and ask what the process is to help him. They should have contacts with the local LADO etc who will look into this. He is not an adult, he is under 16 and she has been grooming him since before then, so a pedophile.

MajorCarolDanvers · 02/10/2022 18:05

Unfortunately he's 16 and based on what you've shared police and social services won't get involved.

You need to change your approach cause what you are doing is not working.

You need to keep the door open for him to come back.

That means you need to stop telling him he's wrong and the relationship is wrong. Keep those opinions to yourself. That pushes him to her and away from you.

Be supportive rather than critical.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.