To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

Wtf the age gap is gross he's just a little boy.
The fact she was actually with him when he was 15 makes her a pedo.

Glad you're phoning the police again OP.

If you want anything done in a school, you need to say ‘mental health concerns’.

When was the last time you saw him?

I would leave it for tonight and then ring the college tomorrow.

Explain what’s going on and find out when was the last time he’s been at college.

I think him missing his education is going to be taken much more seriously.

I would then nicely message him and explain the college has been on to you and that they are going to contact the police (so you’re not the bad guy) and tell him that he needs to come home and stay home overnight between Mon-fri and he can stay at hers on the weekends.

There’s a large estate near me, where a woman allows all the teenage boys from the school to go to her house and gives them booze and fags. Terrifying.

Had similar many years ago. One thing that helped was that child’s auntie was able to contact and we were able to meet regularly for meals out. Went on for years, but maintained contact as the older person would love you to break off.
Also wrote to child to say how much they were loved and we had to agree to disagree about the situation. We could meet but not discuss the relationship, but stress importance of avoiding pregnancy at all costs. I would never meet the un-suitable partner as would not normalise
Sadly took many years for them to see the light and end things.
Because we had kept up the modest contact we were able to revert to a normal relationship. We now have a wonderful relationship and child is a mother at a suitable age and with a wonderful partner.
we never refer to the old situation.
HANG on in there, the foundations you have laid should be strong enough to survive this. I feel for you and anyone in this situation. Will never know if I did the right thing , but we got through it.
Hope your agony is much short than mine was.

Have you given this womans name to the police she may well have previous issues they're aware of.

The police will act faster than college who will simply ring police anyway.

It needs flagging as a child concern with all agencies but police can submit the right forms .

Op does need to inform college but they will ring police anyway.

Me - I'd be starting with 101 tonight . Child concern jobs get priority in my force . They may not get out tonight but they will have an incident to deal with and act on if op rings 101 and follows my advice .

You can leave home and live wherever you want at 16.

OP, you have already tried police and ss. They haven't brought him home but have they checked on him?

Is he just turned 16 or nearly 17?

Do you know how old she is or are you guessing?

I'd feel like you do but I would be treading carefully to keep him at home and to maintain your relationship.

No you can't !

If the mum has parental responsibility she has that until he is no longer a MINOR - he is a minor at 16 . God the misinformation here is terrifying.

@stillvicarinatutu I'm not a police officer or a social worker, but manage a multi agency team of both (and others), I also chair MASE, multi agency Missing and Sexual Exploitation forum (children). You are completely correct regarding child concern, in the eyes of the law he is not an adult, if he were to be convicted of an offence it would be as a youth. He is over the age of sexual consent but even that is very recent and the age gap is significant.
Most of the people we discuss at MASE are girls granted, but many are 16. The age difference here is concerning, does she have previous, is she known for substance misuse/supply (experience tells me maybe) where is the safeguarding work, as you say that's not even been a welfare check!? Unfortunately the shoulder shrug from a social worker doesn't surprise me (you do get some good eggs) and probably doesn't you either, but you keep banging loudly and eventually someone will listen.

OP I'm glad you are calling again, if you get disinterested responses, just keep reporting. It won't hurt for the college to report it too. He is just sixteen, she is eleven years older, he has cut off all ties with family and you don't even know if he is alive let alone safe (I'm sure he is but that's the message you are conveying).

@stillvicarinatutu yeah that’s what we did we reported a missing and then we sat back down and finished tea and went to bed 🙄
what a cunty comment.

as I said the police had absolutely no interest. All this jumping up and down about the police, in actual real terms my experience was that the police did absolutely nothing.

You need to soften your approach. Be calm kind and supportive.

@stillvicarinatutu you might call it misinformation and maybe factually legally whatever you are correct but in real practical terms nobody will drag a 16-year-old home nobody whether you have parental responsibility or not.

I'm sorry you had a shit experience but you were badly let down if that's what happened.

This is too risky for police to ignore . There have been so many reports into the failures of police in this area now that they won't risk not acting . They should act anyway ! I'm sorry you were let down . But if op actually does what I'm suggesting the police will be duty bound to act - it's horrendous that they didn't for you . I'm a cop but also a mother - if they are disinterested then you need to shout louder - at 16 the child is a minor not an adult . No matter where they want to be - they can be taken back to the person who has PR .

Apologies if I’ve missed this but have you invited her into your home?

DD was ‘approached’ by and older man at that age; we said that due to the age difference we wanted to meet him and get to know him first. He was a fit on the horizon but because we hadn’t said no and he’d done a runner it showed him for what he was.

Nothing. They can't force a 16 year old to go back home
They will be deemed safe where they are I know posters are trying to be helpful but in the real world OPs son can't be forced to go home.
There was a thread about a similar thing in Australia ( except the were closer in age) and there was a lot of helpful advice on there if anyone can link it? He got fed up of all the drama in the end.

Do you have any male friends who would be willing to go over and have a chat with her. An unexpected visit late at night might just help her see things your way?

What an utterly ridiculous idea to suggest.

Stand outside her house with a placard stating this woman is a pedo!! Pretty sure she'll back down first!
Also follow the route of statutory rape! He was 15 when they started seeing each other so your concern has a solid base!!

Please read this post .

A child is deemed a child until 18 . They can and should be taken home . In practice yes it's not easy forcing a 6ft teenager to get in the car but the law as it stands says that's exactly what should happen. A child cannot just be left where they want to be unless the party they are with has PR .

According to the NSPCC website, children can choose to leave home at 16, although their parents’ legal responsibility remains for until they are 16.

And my guess is this 27 year old will be known - if not then there needs to be some digging done on what her interest is in a 16 year old child .

This could be county lines or cse. These things are now taken seriously by police forces .

Typo, sorry. Should say 18 at the then of my post

My experience is neither Social Services or police will do anything whether he is a boy or girl makes no difference.
You feel he is controlling and he does what she says. Maybe she is, or maybe what you have observed is he is happy to do those things.
Your behaviour also seems pretty controlling. You do not tackle someone being controlled by an older partner by being controlling back. You try and build up their confidence and make it safe to talk to you.

Send him a message to say your door is always open and you love him and that you are sorry for what you said. Say you love him and will ring or text from time to time to check he is ok. Then however difficult it is just get on with your life generally.

You must be out of your mind with despair and worry. But the more you try to intervene the more he is going to fixate on being with her. He’ll be feeling completely besotted and under a spell, obsessed probably. Step back and give space. Do not criticise her. In a few months some of the frenzy will have died down. Let him come to you when he is ready.

What does his father say?

She would rightly call the police as doing that is illegal.