To think SOMEONE must be able to do something?

[PurpleLampShades]

I am at breaking point and don’t know what to do. NO ONE will help me.
DS is just turned 16 and is in what I would call an abusive relationship with a woman in her mid-late twenties (don’t know her exact age). This has been going on for about five months and I have done everything I can think of to stop it. I’ve grounded him, taken away games consoles, stopped pocket money, stopped giving him lifts, pleaded with him, begged him, shouted at him, tried to reason/explain my concerns to him etc. I even tried speaking to her nicely and then not so nicely. Nothing has worked. She has wormed her way into his head and he does everything she tells him. Last weekend he walked out of the house and has been staying at her house with her. I’ve called the police and social services who have both done nothing. I’ve been round there everyday but he won’t (or isn’t allowed to) come to the door and she has told me to leave him alone and that he wants nothing more to do with me. I don’t believe her. What can I do? I really need advice on what I can do to help him? AIBU to think the police or SS should be able to do something?

this isn't a matter for services really, it's for you as parents to work on.

It’s a legal requirement and the parents responsibility that under 18s stay in education - if he’s not going then surely it is a matter for services?

This is awful. Do you know her family? Could you try to get support from them? Surely they will see this as very strange.
Let him know you are there for him and stand back a little while. It must be heartbreaking.

I’ve spoke to him once this week, on Thursday. She answered his phone and then gave it to him. I asked if he was ok. He said he was fine then she took the phone back off him.

I'm a social worker 🤷🏼‍♀️
again, as a police officer, what would you do if you went round for a welfare check and he was safe and well and refused to give a statement? What action would you take?

No
the legal requirement for children 16-18 to be in education doesn't have any legal teeth at all. It's not like education up to 16.

I agree.

And if they have been in a sexual relationship before he turned 16 this is actually illegal (if it could be proved, obviously). An age gap like this means there is a huge power imbalance and this boy is vulnerable.

If I report him missing tonight but tell them I think (know) he’s there will they bring him home?

I really understand why you want to do this, but it will make things worse. As soon as the police have gone (if they even bring him home) he’ll walk out of the door again.

This is good advice. He isn;t a minor, so she's not technically law-breaking, however wrong it feels. (I can't stand DS's partner met when he was 29 and they were 25, also manipulative and very emotionally immature as I assume this woman is.) My instinct was to pretend to like them in order to keep DS close. I have tried (with zero success) to gently point out less than desirable things about them. but at least we are still close and when the fallout happens, I'll be there.

Your best bet is to massively back track. Send a message via a close friend of his, to say: I am sorry how I reacted. I've thought about it and realised it is your life and I have to learn to trust you to make your own decisions. Please forgive me. I miss you and would love to see you.' Something like that. Make out it's your fault just to get back on speaking terms and then as PP have said, you are there to support him, and he has the option to move on from her.

I'd be surprised if they brought him home, he's 16. If they did bring him home what stops him from going back? I'd expect them to check on him to make sure he's okay but not sure they could do more than that there and then.

Someone else shouldn't be taking his phone off him during a call! Get the police involved, this woman sounds odd. Very odd.

Because he was under 16yo when they met you might be able to get her done for grooming but I guess the issue is if he says nothing happened until he was 16yo how can it be proven? paceuk.info/infoadvice/using-the-law-to-protect-your-child/. That link has some legislation.

id be tempted to cut off any money/allowance. Maybe she will get bored if she realises she has to pay for him?

When I was 16yo I dated a guy who was 32yo. My parents must have been horrified but they never said anything. Most 16yos don’t stay in that relationship long term. I soon came to my senses by myself. I guess my parents wanted to make sure they didn’t push me away.

But why should it be different?

Closeyoureyes

No one has done a welfare check though . No one knows if he wants to be there or not or what the situation is .

Me - as a police officer I'd refer this to PVP - (protecting vulnerable persons unit)

The adult is 27 . Who is she ? Does she have any previous? Is she known to police ? What does she do for a living ? Could this be grooming or county lines ?

The fact you're a social worker doing 🤷🏻‍♀️ isn't great .
Because at the very least I'd be asking these questions and submitting child concern forms to social services- which by the sound of it is pointless but police could do the welfare check and background checks .

Have you heard of county lines ?
Or grooming?

Does this not warrant checking ?

OP this sounds such a stressful situation, sorry you're going through this.

If you ask police to bring him home (and they agree), that will push him away even more. He'll leave first chance he gets to go back to her. I think you can ask for a welfare check and for police to check he's OK (if he's not, I assume they'd do something to get him back to you).

If the police find he's OK, and he doesn't want to come back, honestly you may need to hold back your anger and keep lines of communication open. At the moment, they'll be acting like Romeo and Juliet and you're playing into her hands to manipulate him even more.

He isn't missing op .

But read my other posts .

What??????

When I was 17 I was with a man in his late 30s. My mum kicked me out, I had no where to go apart from move in with. He ended up being really abusive, but I was stubborn because I was 17 and couldn’t admit how stupid I’d been. Eventually I went back to my mum, but it took nearly 2 years - I don’t think I’d ever have moved in with him had my mum not kicked me out (not blaming her, it must’ve been horrendous for her to watch me make such shit decisions).

I suppose my point is that if you can in anyway maintain a good relationship with your son, it will make it easier for him to come back when he sees the light. Easier said than done I know, but I think if my children ever make such a bad decision I’ll try and keep our relationship going as much as I can, even if that means that it appears like I’m supporting the crap decision they’ve made.

Good luck xx

This is horrendous for you OP. Try to eat and stay as calm as you can tonight, and contacted the college tomorrow, asking to speak to the safeguarding lead.

That sounds awful.
He is probably having sex with this woman, Sixteen year old boys being what they are...
It doesn't sound healthy.
What if the older woman gets pregnant?
Then what.
He's tied to her for the next 18 years at least .

It is very unhealthy when someone much older is dating a teenager, ''Cradle snatching'' it used to be called.

I hope your son comes to his senses and finds a much more wholesome relationship in time.

,@PurpleLampShades I can't imagine this stress.

I'd try and fake having given up. Tell him you accept it but you hope he visits because you love him.

When /if you see him, focus on how he feels...
Not telling him what to do but asking him to tell you how he feels.
Loved, supported?
Free?
Restrained?

@CloseYourEyesAndSee - I’m with @stillvicarinatutu on this one. He is under 18. There are quite legitimate safeguarding concerns here. I don’t know why you have decided that there aren’t !

@PurpleLampShades
My DH went off with a much older woman, and it didn't work out.

I made disparaging comments about the age gap {People thought he'd returned to mum} but he was blind to it.

Women {or men} who go for people significantly younger than them must surely have control issues.
It isn't ''Healthy''. {In my opinion anyway}

Op you have parental responsibility until 18 . The police should act .

You may want to tread carefully to not alienate him - but this IS a police matter - you may have spoke to a call handler - was an incident created? Were you given an incident number?

You reed to ring 101 and say you have a child concern. They should act on it and if they don't kick up a fuss . I'm telling you as a pc of 14 years I'd be getting advice from our PVP - this is t ok just because he's a boy - he is 16 . Still a minor is the eyes of the law .