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AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

339 replies

PonderingAIBU · 01/10/2022 01:24

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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PonderingAIBU · 01/10/2022 01:26

Plus my sister is visiting next weekend and staying for one night (my first time having a visitor since they moved in). Would I be unreasonable to say no overnight guests next weekend as it would be too cramped with 5 people in a small flat (if the boyfriend also stays over)?

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DramaAlpaca · 01/10/2022 01:40

It's your home, of course you aren't being unreasonable.

Time to get assertive and lay down some ground rules.

If you and the other lodger are not comfortable, you really must do something, even if it means asking her to move out.

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QuitWhileAhead · 01/10/2022 01:44

Of course you are not being unreasonable. You sound lovely but too much like a big pushover. I wouldn't want a random guy staying in my house. You are renting a room to a single person. You need to decide what you want and then tell her. If she doesn't like it she can leave. There is no need to fall over yourself trying to be extra reasonable.
Just tell her you have had a think and you no longer want anyone staying over. Don't over complicate it. A simple no guests rule is easy to understand.

You described your lodger as lovely but she sounds selfish and lazy to me.

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category12 · 01/10/2022 01:47

You've given her an inch and she's taken a mile from the beginning.

I'd think about giving her notice tbh.

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FlowerArranger · 01/10/2022 01:47

Give her notice now.
She is taking advantage.
Before you know the 2nd lodger will expect the same 'privileges'...

Next lodger, be very clear about what is and isn't acceptable.
In writing.

And remember..... give the devil your little finger...

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PonderingAIBU · 01/10/2022 01:52

I've been reading lots of forums and past mumsnet forums to try and get an idea of what's reasonable with lodgers and overnight guests. The consensus seems to be that a reasonable amount of time a partner can stay over, is as many nights as the lodger stays at theirs (so 2 or 3 nights a week at each place).

I'd probably be ok with that if she was open to a discussion, although I'd prefer less honestly. But on most forums people seem to think expecting a lodger to live like a nun and restricting days a partner can stay over, is also unreasonable.

But it's an awkward discussion to bring up and I wish she could have just raised it or asked before having him over regularly. :(

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category12 · 01/10/2022 02:08

Yes, it's unreasonable to expect someone to live like a nun - but she is a lodger who is taking the piss, not clearing up after herself, treating your stuff disrespectfully, and not being considerate of the people she lives with.

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Smineusername · 01/10/2022 02:11

YABU

2 days a week is not a lot to have a partner stay over and you are unlikely to find someone who will commit to having no sex life. This is just something that goes with the territory of renting a room and sharing space. I'd suck it up tbh

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AcrossthePond55 · 01/10/2022 02:25

I think the issue is that there is no clear understanding on either side. Lodger feels that having her BF stay over whenever is fine, you feel it's pushing the boundaries a bit.

I think you have to decide what your boundaries are going to be and then present them to both lodgers (so she won't feel you're being 'unfair') and possibly have them sign an addendum to the original lodging agreement.

I don't think that 2 nights a week is excessive, but I'd want 12 hours advance notice so my scanties aren't hanging on the airer or I'm not leaving the bathroom wrapped in a towel when he strolls in.

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BasiliskStare · 01/10/2022 02:27

I think that unlike renting a flat , being a lodger ( much cheaper ) I think it would be polite to ask when having guests. The few spontaneous things I would not worry about but regular guests using the kitchen etc - well I think that must be up to you to see if you can be happy with that. Yes I agree no-one should live like a nun - but turn and turn about - it would be polite to realise it is your house.

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Blobblobblob · 01/10/2022 02:35

There's at least three separate issues here

  • disrespect of your space and belongings
  • extra guest overnight
  • guest hanging around in communal areas when his GF is not present


Actually the overnight would bother me the least, but it's your house. If it isn't working for you, talk to her.

It isn't about what some randoms on a forum think, it's your home. Set a boundary that you are comfortable with.

Maybe state two nights max per week and he is not to be left hanging around by himself in the house?

And don't give up your room again, ever. The disrespect for your stuff was so rude.
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Boxowine · 01/10/2022 02:38

Why do you think he has his own place? What if he gives it up to stay with your lodger? What would you do?

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BEAM123 · 01/10/2022 02:56

I have had lodgers and I understand where you are coming from entirely.
My last lodger (who seemed like a lovely young professional woman) had a bloke from the gym staying over who adult DS told me was a well known drug seller and pimp. I did not even know he was in the house, that really pissed me off!

Anyway, it is reasonable that if it is a genuine new relationship (rather than a random hookup) she can have her bf to stay BUT I think she should let you know - I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to let you know on Sunday her plans for the week ahead with respect to him staying over. She should also stay at his. He shouldn't be hanging around your house unaccompanied.

The whole point of a lodger is that they live in YOUR house, it's not a regular house share. Yes that's not ideal for them but they get cheaper rent out of it so it's swings and roundabouts.

Her lack of respect for your property is also bang out of order.
Seems to me there is a general lack of respect going on. Maybe there are generational differences as you say, but that doesn't matter, it is YOUR home, and you are perfectly entitled to have lodgers who are a good fit for your home so you still feel at home in your own flat.

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Notarealmum · 01/10/2022 02:58

While I wouldn’t have a problem with the boyfriend staying over in principle, it sounds to me like she’s quite disrespectful of your home and possessions in general. In which case I’d consider giving her notice.

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FrozenGhost · 01/10/2022 03:15

I've been in a similar position and I know how annoying it is. But to a certain extent this is just a part of having housemates/lodgers. If you don't like it, maybe think about whether sharing a house is right for you. The chance of finding a lodger who is permanently single, or in a long distance relationship is slim. If anything it's the opposite. You could move in with a devout nun, chances are within days they will have thrown off the habit and met a love interest - who of course doesn't have his own place.

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Lionsinthemeadow · 01/10/2022 03:18

Just remind that she is renting a room for a single person and, while occasional visitors are ok if notified to you in advance, it is not a double room and you do not want to share your home with three other people.

Don't give her a number of days that are ok or she'll have him there those days every week. You don't like strangers unannounced, so you're right to put a stop to it. You set the rules.

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Nevertouchakoala · 01/10/2022 03:35

I think it’s fine for lodger to have partners sleep over but why is he in the flat without her? That shouldn’t be happening.

she threw your clothes on the floor!?? Wtf. She doesn’t sound “lovely”

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Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2022 04:06

It sounds to me as if your lodger doesn’t understand the difference between a flat share and a lodging tenancy. It is not acceptable for her bf to hang around without her and you are within your rights to discuss plans rather than him randomly staying over. You definitely should bring this up with her. Your other lodger and you both feel uncomfortable.

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PonderingAIBU · 01/10/2022 09:14

Thanks for taking the time to get back to me, I appreciate all of your replies.🙏

I also forgot to say, she also rearranged my living room furniture without asking when I was away, and no explanation was given.😐So nothing huge, but lots of small-ish things that I'm not sure I should worry about or let slide if she does them with a big friendly smile.

I might just leave it for today if he's here. And then tomorrow ask if she can give me and the other lodger a heads up before bringing people over, so it's not a surprise to find someone coming out of the bathroom (I've had to queue for the bathroom for the first time in a long time).

And then say she can have an overnight guest only as many days as she is at theirs. (I don't like being a rules tyrant so worried about saying that).

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PonderingAIBU · 01/10/2022 09:17

And then maybe also say only 1 set of guests between us at the same time? So if my sister is visiting, or soneone has family staying, then no other guests st the same time and visa versa. (Unless just overnight and gone before breakfast). Hmm, I don't know.

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BringMeTea · 01/10/2022 09:19

Get rid of her. No brainer surely.

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BEAM123 · 01/10/2022 09:19

PonderingAIBU · 01/10/2022 09:14

Thanks for taking the time to get back to me, I appreciate all of your replies.🙏

I also forgot to say, she also rearranged my living room furniture without asking when I was away, and no explanation was given.😐So nothing huge, but lots of small-ish things that I'm not sure I should worry about or let slide if she does them with a big friendly smile.

I might just leave it for today if he's here. And then tomorrow ask if she can give me and the other lodger a heads up before bringing people over, so it's not a surprise to find someone coming out of the bathroom (I've had to queue for the bathroom for the first time in a long time).

And then say she can have an overnight guest only as many days as she is at theirs. (I don't like being a rules tyrant so worried about saying that).

She rearranged your living room furniture?!?!?
Do you mean she moved a small side table or a lightweight chair when using them and didn't put them back, or did she actually rearrange your sofa, TV and so on and so forth?

You are not being a rules tyrant, you are setting boundaries. If you aren't used to setting boundaries it's common to feel like you are being 'rulesy' (I used to struggle with this) but you aren't. You are just setting your boundaries and it sounds like you need to because this woman has no respect for normal boundaries.

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Chamomileteaplease · 01/10/2022 09:22

She's not very lovely nor very friendly. She is a rude, arrogant cow. And I suggest you give her notice. She sounds a complete mickey taker.

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OxanaVorontsova · 01/10/2022 09:23

Sounds like she thinks she’s in a house share rather than your lodger. She needs boundaries.

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LaurieFairyCake · 01/10/2022 09:27

I would have been very clear at the beginning that there would be no overnight guests - and I would only have allowed female family members if agreed in advance

Who wants strange men wandering round your home?

The room is rented to one female lodger

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