AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

[PonderingAIBU]

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

Honestly I voted YABU but having read the replies I think maybe I’ve never understood the difference between being shared tenants and a lodger. Maybe she doesn’t understand the difference either?

Agree with others that you have been a pushover here. This is a complete cheeky fucker who does not appreciate the difference between flatshare and lodger. Get rid.

Hi, thanks so much to everyone who has given advice. I've been out and need to go out again in a minute, so sorry for taking a while to respond. I'm going to read through all of the comments when I get back later.

I accept though that it's 100% my fault for not laying down boundaries from the start. I really didn't want to be a 'rules' type person and thought she seemed like someone who would be considerate in a normal way. But I can see that some sort of guidelines from the start might have been useful. I've also tried to make it feel more like a houseshare than lodger situation thinking that everyone would feel more comfortable with that - so again 100% my fault for probably leading to misunderstandings.

To answer questions about the furniture being moved around when I was away, the sofa was moved into a new place, as well as a chair and a very, very heavy glass coffee table which is impossible to move without a lot of effort. I've just tried moving it back and failed.

I'm still to read everyone's comments so will rethink after I have... but at the moment, I'm thinking I'll just ask for a 'touch base catchup' over a glass of wine tomorrow to talk about house admin things, like cleaning and house guests. I don't want anyone to feel targeted, so I think that might be best.

She clearly isn't lovely and these aren't small things. She's walking all over you. You're wondering whether you'll be able to use your own kitchen?! Surely you can see that isn't right.
Tell her she's renting a room for one, and that while you don't mind her bf staying over, that doesn't mean he's allowed to be in your house when she isn't there. If she doesn't like that, tell her she should find somewhere to live with her bf.
And don't let anyone stay in your room! You're sounding like a complete doormat I'm afraid.

It could well be that many of these issues have been caused by her not appreciating the difference between being a lodger and a tenant, and you not setting things out clearly from the outset.
Whilst I don’t disagree with people saying she cannot be expected to live like a Nun, if you decide that you wish your home to be a convent that is up to you, BUT that needs to be made clear.
If she doesn’t like not having male visitors ( and a visitor is 100% visiting the person and has no business being there without that person. That is also the case in many house shares), she can start to look for somewhere else which meets her requirements.
It would be reasonable for you to give her time to find somewhere suitable, even if it means putting up with the boyfriend for a few more weeks or longer. Whilst it is very straightforward to evict a lodger by giving minimum notice, it is not a pleasant experience for either party, especially if she doesn’t realise that her rights as a lodger are so limited.
One of the many differences between a house share/HMO and lodging is that whilst individually locked rooms are common in the former, they are almost unheard of within a lodging situation. It is not unreasonable to not want strangers wandering around having access to your private space.
If you don’t address this problem you could find lodger 2 leaves, or even worse starts inviting her own guests around 2 days per week, so you have bathroom queues on 4 days.

OP didn't say in advance though that the living conditions would be very different to a house share though. I don't really agree unless the lodger is paying a lot less and/or you have made it clear in advance. I have been both a lodger and a house owner with a lodger btw.

In terms of some people saying I can't expect an adult lodger not to have overnight guests. I feel the same and 100% accept that, which is why I'm trying to get a feel for what is reasonable to ask and reasonable days/boundaries to set.

If the situation was reversed (like with my sister coming), I've made sure I told them with plenty of notice, so they know to expect it and which room she's staying in and that we might have dinner in the kitchen. It wouldn't cross my mind for her just to turn up unannounced and take up the kitchen and living room for a full evening or two, without mentioning it. I'd have thought that was a normal thing to check if other people living with you are ok and in the loop.

I accept though that it's 100% my fault for not laying down boundaries from the start.

@PonderingAIBU please don't blame yourself!

You've been kind and thinking the best of someone. That SHE has not behaved well is NOT YOUR FAULT!

She's done stuff which is really out of order.

And also, it's probably relevant to say the the BF left early this morning, so doesn't seem to be spending the weekend as I thought he might when I heard him come in last night.

Is the bf there without her? If so that's weird, and not a guest but almost moving in! It's weird and a power play to move your furniture too.

She moved your furniture?!!! That’s a huge thing and I’d be furious and immediately put it back how it was.

Before having a "friendly chat" OP - think it through and PLAN what you want. It's not a negotiation - it's you putting in place some boundaries that you should have established at the outset. So, write it down first

1. Visitors only once a week and after asking (not telling)
2. Your visitors take preference
3. No visitors to stay in the house ever when the lodger is not present (doesn't apply to you)
4. Get them to move the furniture back to how you like it (your house)
5. Tidying up in the kitchen / bathroom

(add to or delete as appropriate)

This will be met with objections - she will think it's a negotiation not an expectation so be prepared to say (in the nicest possible way) that this is not negotiable. If she's unhappy then living there is not for her.

Don't be intimidated by sulking, accusations or complaints. Your house, your rules and if she makes life unpleasant, then it's time for her to move on.

Good luck

Sorry OP but you sound lovely and she really doesn't.
She lives in your home and has no respect for you or your belongings. Would you go in her room and rearrange/use her things, or have someone randomly hang in her room, etc.? Her doing that to you is completely uncool.
You seem to be on the backfoot because you're older than her, why is that? You provide a nice place to stay for her, her BF and her mum(!), isn't that enough?
She's steadily pushing boundaries and invading your privacy whilst you tie yourself in knots wondering if she'd be ok with you not feeling uncomfortable in your own home.
I would get rid of her asap and would be very careful about how I do it as well.

Completely agree with this - do not blame yourself.

You do need to reset the boundaries now though and ensure she abides by the rules. I'd say 2-3 nights max is probably fair but they can only be there when the lodger is. Her boyfriend absolutely can't be there if she isn't.

Also agree that only one person has a guest at a time - I'd suggest first come first served although as it's your house, you trump everyone else, so unless someone is coming from abroad or has made travel arrangements, their guests need to cancel if you have someone visiting.

Also make sure that they know that moving furniture or any of your possessions is forbidden. They shouldn't even ask to do that as it's your home and they're privileged to be allowed to share it.

'I don't want anyone to feel targeted'

Really though? She didn't have the same consideration for your feelings when she allowed her mother to pull your clothes out of YOUR wardrobe and dump them on the floor, did she? I honestly think she's not a friend and you actually are starting to sound like a bit of a doormat now.

Sorry to sound harsh but I don't like people to be taken advantage of. Naturally it's up to you of course.

I like @MrsOvertonsWindow 's plan - follow that Op and ensure to stick to it being an instruction, not a negotiation!

I've had a bad experience with a lodger before, so I massively appreciate the fact that she's generally friendly and a pleasure to chat to (aside from the things mentioned). So despite those things, she (and the other lodger) have felt like a breath of fresh air in some ways. And my 2 cats absolutely love her which is huge for me. The nightmare lodger I had a while ago made them very skittish, so for them to adore both new lodgers as much as they do and visa versa, is a huge relief. And I realise how rare it is to find the perfect person, so hoping to raise anything as amicably as possible. For someone who hates conflict and doesn't want to upset anyone, it's hard though.

In your touch base chat you should absolutely tell her that the living room has to be moved back to who it was.

She sounds like a lodger that needs reminding that she's the lodger - not you.

I was very clear with
my lodger about no overnight guests. She is renting a room and use of kitchen. It is not a flatshare.

As long as your cats are happy OP 🌷
I think @Stopsnowing has the right idea though.

Is it really cheap to be someone's lodger or something? I don't understand why anyone would move into a house as a lodger if you can't have an adult relationship or have your boyfriend stay the night without asking permission? It's an odd set up to start with. I've lived in house shares at uni/early 20s which are obviously completely different and everyone had a bf/gf who could visit/stay whenever. Must be weird being an adult living in someone else's house and effectively being treated like a child asking for permission for someone to come round. I'd assume it is at least 1/2 the cost of renting in a houseshare?

If the situation was reversed (like with my sister coming), I've made sure I told them with plenty of notice, so they know to expect it and which room she's staying in and that we might have dinner in the kitchen. It wouldn't cross my mind for her just to turn up unannounced and take up the kitchen and living room for a full evening or two, without mentioning it. I'd have thought that was a normal thing to check if other people living with you are ok and in the loop.

This is common courtesy. No-one would want to suddenly find an extra person in the house.

I daresay there may be emergency situations which can't be predicted when it would be appropriate, but they will be few and far between.

She's a lodger not a flatmate and needs reminding of the difference

I was in your shoes a while ago and one of the things I learnt about having a female young lodger was they tend to get boyfriends and bring them home for large amount of time, funny thing is this never happened with male lodgers. All of a sudden I was bumping in the hallway with some guy in his underwear in the middle of the night when going to the toilet which is quite unsettling. I had this policy with female potential lodgers of telling them before they moved in I had a "no stay-in boyfriend" policy, meaning... if they had a boyfriend but they could not stay at home more than two days a week. I once kicked out (gave her a month notice)a German girl who seemed to skip my policy as her boyfriend was camping at home 5 day a week. I later found out the guy didn't really have a place to live so glad I stood my ground.

I think you absolutely can say no overnight guests on a regular/frequent basis if you want to. It's your house and their sex life isn't your problem. It's then up to a lodger to decide if they are prepared to live there on that basis. Do you feel a bit uncomfortable or embarrassed at being a 'landlady' and in charge?

I've had a few lodgers over the year (in a 2 bedroom/1bath flat) and it was made clear that it was a room rented to them only, and no visitors unless by prior agreement and on a occasional basis (definitely NOT 2-3 nights week) ideally when I was going out or away.

A lodger hogging the lounge or kitchen without warning isn't acceptable either. I had one lodger who tried taking over the lounge one night with a girlfriend, dimmed the lights, candles burning and a movie on, both snuggled on the sofa. I got home from work, turned the lights on, sat on the other sofa and chattered away through the movie until they gave up watching and went to his room. Told him next day that wasn't OK by me unless he knew I was going to be out and to check with me first. He didn't do it again.

Boyfriend being there when she's not or when you are WFH would not be acceptable to me and I'd be asking him to leave/telling her he cannot stay your house like that.

Moving the furniture was definitely a power play by her and you should move it all back and tell her to leave it that way. Treating your belongings in your room like that was incredibly rude and I would have probably given her notice when that happened.

You are being far too 'nice'/passive about this - time to stick up for yourself.