AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

[PonderingAIBU]

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

When I was a lodger the young couple I lived with had a rule,,, all visitors to be out of the house by 10PM. Great idea, I was in an unhappy relationship at the time and didn't want to sleep with my BF, if they didn't have that rule I would have made it up.

I think you should ask her to go. It's not going to get any better is it. She's pretty much stomped over all normal boundaries for lodgers.

It is your home. She would have been given notice for touching and dumping my things and rearranging my furniture, never mind the boyfriend. Out she goes, but not before I’d made her change the furniture back to see what stains she’d hidden by moving things around.

If you’re afraid of confrontation state your sister is coming and that she takes priority, and just tell her with your sister that it is clear that it isn’t working for you to have two lodgers and as she has disrespected your home she’ll be the one to go.

Having a boyfriend stay over a couple of nights a week is reasonable, and she did give you a heads up.

But YANBU because the sum of everything that is going on is that she is acting like she is the homeowner and you her housekeeper. In fact I think you would be unreasonable to just ask about the boyfriend and request her to ask for permission….that ship sailed long ago. It wont make you feel any less invaded or imposed upon.

Rearranging your furniture, her mum throwing your clothes on the floor, her taking your stuff and using it, her not cleaning up after herself….
She’s a nightmare lodger really…she just puts on a nice act when you’re present.

You should give her notice to vacate and reclaim your home:
www.lodgerguide.co.uk/serving-notice-how-to-tell-your-lodger-to-leave/

she’s renting a room, it’s not a house share.

This is key. So - her BF is in her room? Probably okay, as long as it’s not every night. Wandering round your flat, especially when she’s not there? Not okay. Rearranging furniture? No way.

Honestly- probably easier to get rid and start again with some clear rules with someone else…..

*Not in an all-female house it isn't.

The most pressing issue in this for me OP is that he's regularly there on his own. That's the thing I'd address first*

well regardless if this thread was a male landlord saying he didn't want females around to his male tenants there'd be outrage. I'd dislike any stranger hanging around my home whether they are male or female and no guests to be hanging around unsupervised. Just say no guests overnight and they be gone by 10pm-simple as that.

My understanding of being a lodger means no overnight guests. Even in a flatshsre such things need to be discussed and agreed amongst everyone. But a lodger to me is one person.

She’s treating the living arrangement like a house share, not like a lodger. You’re being a pushover and letting her.

I’d personally stick to 1 lodger and be very clear at the outset on rules and expectations.

It’s become a house share, not a lodger. A lodger basically stays in their room except when they need to use kitchen/bethroom. Yours is moving furniture around in communal areas and bringing in guests and has been in your bedroom etc.

It sounds like you’ve been a pushover and are allowing her to dominate you. Rearranging the living room is a very dominating thing to do. Get the idea out of your head that she is lovely. She may be friendly and polite but her behaviour is far from lovely.

Honestly I’d have a meeting and tell both lodgers that the situation as it is currently, isn’t working for you, and so you’ve decided to introduce a no overnight guests rule for lodgers, and can they either accept that or move out within two months.

If it carries on as it is, you’re going to lose the non-annoying lodger, she won’t be happy with this either and is in a difficult position as she can’t make any rules.

I see you’ve read a lot of other threads and want to bee reasonable, but this is your home where you should feel safe and relaxed, and that’s never going to happen when a strange man may wander around at any moment.

She needs to learn the difference between lodger and house share.
If she wants the benefits of house share then she needs to look for one and pay accordingly

She's overstepped several boundaries (shoving your clothes out of your cupboard is a BIG one) and I think you need to summon up your courage and have a one to one chat with her @PonderingAIBU . I wouldn't do it with both lodgers at the same time. What boundaries you set with the other lodger are nothing to do with this lodger!

Be really clear about boundaries: she is a lodger, this is not a flat share. You appreciate she's in a relationship, but her BF should not be here when she is not. And she must be more respectful with your belongings - note the incidents you've told us about in your opening post. None of those is acceptable in any living arrangement, frankly - even a family or a flat share.

It is not unreasonable for her to have her BF to stay. But it IS unreasonable that he is in YOUR flat without her. If him being there when she is not makes you feel uncomfortable then that is important. It's your home.

I think also that having friends over - more than her BF, I mean - should be subject to agreement from you. It's so sad that her friends were there when it was your birthday.

It does sound as though she considers this a flat share, not a lodger arrangement. Maybe she needs to be asked to leave, ultimately. Could you find a Monday to Friday lodger? I've always found that a much more bearable arrangement when I've had lodgers.

Good luck! You sound very generous & tolerant. If she doesn't recognise this, and her actions make you feel uncomfortable in your own home, I think she has to be asked to leave.

I'd give her notice to leave, OP. She is taking the piss.

You sound lovely, and I'm sure you will find another lodger. You can set out your rules and expectations clearly for the new person so these issues don't arise in future.

I feel a bit for this lodger. If you haven’t set clear rules from the get go, perhaps she has no idea that any of these things that are normal to her, are actually issues to you? People here are slagging her off but no one has actually communicated the issues to her - she is expected to be a mind reader?

i went from house share to lodger (decades ago) and looking back probably treated it like a house share. Because I only had experience of house shares, and I didn’t know any different. There was no Google back in those days! In my case it was fine as my landlady was happy with the way I lived (25 years later I still get a Xmas card that says to the best lodger ever!!).

It wasn’t cheap though, not sure I would pay the price she asked for the room if there were lots of rules as mentioned above (like stay in your room unless you specifically need to use the kitchen / bathroom). How miserable.

She isn't considerate as a person. I'd give her notice frankly. Him being there on his own or around when she isn't is an outrage. My dd is in a shared flat and has put up with her fair share of this sort of thing. It won't get better, imo.

This seems the most reasonable solution.

Lodgers are NOT a good idea for someone who doesn't have good boundaries and you clearly don't.

You are behaving like a mug and do she know it.

She is behaving like its her flat not yours and you are very foolish.

If she wants her boyfriend over, she should get a flat.

She's behaving like she has a flat for the price of lodgings.

You offering up your room and her treatment of it tells you exactly how poor your boundaries are and the zero respect she has for you and your home.

Moving YOUR furniture around in YOUR home🙄.

Give her notice.
And do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help you establish basic boundaries and self respect before you have people live with you.

YOU have caused this situation by NOT being firm.

She is a complete CF and you are her victim.

Wise up before things get worse.
Give her notice.

I’m sorry OP but I think she’s a CF who saw you coming a mile off. You’re kind, tolerant, easygoing and not heavy on rules - perfect for her (and her boyfriend and her mum!).

You have 3 choices
Put up with it….and it will get worse
Tell her to leave…..what I would probably do tbh
Lay down some strict rules and both lodgers sign an agreement to abide by them……she’ll probably start stretching them in about a week 🙄

Only you know how much you’re willing to tolerate but she will walk all over you if you don’t toughen up. It’s probably pretty uncomfortable for the other lodger too so you need to take her feelings into account.

Good luck 💐

OP, the givers need to have boundaries in this life cos the takers don’t have any!

Agree that she is treating it as a flat-share.

Lodgers and guests stay in their rooms unless bathroom /cooking/ eating or talking/drinking/watching tv etc with you.

You can have guests over whenever you please. It's not a democracy.

You shouldn't have let her use your room whilst you were away.

I'd get rid - is this the first time she has been a lodger?

You sound very nice but oh so unassertive! This lodger is not nice, she is a cheeky whatsit who is taking the piss and KNOWS full well she is. She appears to think she is in a flat/house share, as pps have said.

You offering up your own bedroom, your sanctuary for her mother to stay was just way too much. You are making yourself a martyr. And then for the mother to chuck your clothes on the floor.. Like mother, like daughter I suppose!

You should have thought about it and laid down some ground rules from the start. I am not having a go, I also find it very hard to assert myself.

Sadly I don't think the situation is salvageable with her now.
Tell her sorry, it's just not working
Or the easiest way to get rid is just to make an excuse like an old friend is moving to your town and you promised them the room. It is YOUR home, so don't feel bad. Then give her a weeks notice, or whatever is in her contract (is there one?)., If you want have your sister or a friend there for moral support when you tell her. Watch her like a hawk til she's gone.
Then later if you need to get a new lodger lay down the rules from the start. Or give yourself space by having only one lodger at least for a while.

Best of luck.

Honestly, her taking your clothes out of your cupboard is a huge red flag without everything else going on.

I'm sorry OP, this must be really stressful for you. I think you do need to have a proper talk with her and be prepared to give notice if things don't improve

She is taking the micky but you should have laid down some ground rules from the start so this is partly on you.

Agree with above,

Just to add:
To be honest if I was in this position, I wouldnt be happy at all with the situation. It may be worth you having a meeting with both lodgers (just the three of you) to plan a way forward as can't imagine the second lodger is all too thrilled neither. I assume lodgers were vetted? I wouldn't be happy some random coming in and out as they please. Also lodger has no right to root through your belongings.

You need to be much clearer from the start what is permitted in your home, and you need to have the confidence to stick to it - otherwise you aren't best suited to having lodgers.

I would tell this girl to start looking for a new place before she takes over completely.

I have some friends who have lodgers. While they might occasionally agree that a family member or partner travelling from abroad to visit can stay a couple of nights there is no way they would allow friends and partners to regularly stay over, and use the kitchen and bathroom.
This woman doesn't seem to understand the difference between lodging and house sharing. You need to speak to her and make the rules clear. If she doesn't like them she can move out.

And definitely in future have a written agreement in place so everyone knows where they stand.