AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

[PonderingAIBU]

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

It’s not really working out with her. I would explain that you need to give her (a decent amount of) notice because you have decided that you need that room back for personal reasons.

this sounds like you are going to 'half' attempt to address the issue. She sounds like she will eat you for dinner if you do a 'by the way do you mind letting me know when BF comes' rather than sit down and have a serious conversation with them both, and her in particular. She is taking over and before long you'll be asking her if it's ok if your family visit. Reclaim your territory.

You need to be really honest and open with both your lodgers in a non-accusatory way. You can explain this us all about you, having lodgers in your own home, especially if you’ve not had experience before, is always going to be a challenge. You need to have a frank discussion and establish very clear boundaries about what is and isn’t ok. Do this as early as possible before you end up feeling victimised in your own home.
Always say when you’re feeling uncomfortable, like “my clothes were put on the floor when your mum stayed in my room, that’s not ok” “you’ve moved the living room furniture around without asking, I already had it the way I like it so please put it back the way it was”. Say it calmly but firmly, it’s your right and responsibility to have boundaries.

I wouldn’t say she can have guests x amount of times, that gives her the go ahead to have him round even more..

I would simply say that finding him in the kitchen and having to queue for your own bathroom left you feeling very uncomfortable and you don’t want it happening again. You have rented a single room to her, and you no longer feel you can allow overnight stays from her guests. If she protests, say it is your home, and you don’t want strangers in it. And then tell her that she is not to take your things or rearrange anything without your express permission. This is your home for goodness sake… I would seriously think about giving her notice, she sounds like a right CF…

As she is a lodger not a house share I would say two nights max. If you just ask her to tell you when he is coming over it could escalate into 7 nights a week.

A guest 2 out of 7 nights is 28.5% of the time. You effectively have an additional third of a lodger living with you. If she stays at his the same amount then I'd be less inclined to say something as the pressure on shared expenses (hot water, wear and tear etc) will balance out but if not you need to say something. 1 guest a week each to be agreed in advance on a night when you've not got another guest staying.

She sounds inconsiderate in general to be honest. Did you lay out house rules when she moved in? No helping yourself to others things for example? With 3 adults living in a shared space everyone needs to clean and tidy up their things. Might be worth getting a shared cleaner

This…..
Tell her female guests only and only after she has asked permission.
she’s renting a room, it’s not a house share.

I agree with previous posters that she hasn't grasped the difference between being a lodger vs being part of a houseshare. She thinks you're all equal but it's your house and you can set rules so that you can feel comfortable in your own home.

I would try and work out exactly what you'd like while still allowing your lodgers to have a social life and use your sister's visit as an opportunity to reset the visiting rules so that everyone can feel comfortable and respected.

It sounds to me like shes viewing the living arrangements as a flat share rather than her being your lodger. You need to take back control of your house.

I think you need to lay down clear ground rules .atm she is really taking the piss. I would give her notice to leave I think . If you have another lodger, state from day one no overnight guests .it's your home not hers .she is well out of order for rearranging your furniture and you shouldn't let your room be used either!

It isn't about what some randoms on a forum think, it's your home. Set a boundary that you are comfortable with

This, also depending where you are it should be easy enough to rent the room again. Also I disagree with people saying it's unreasonable to have no guests, if that's what you want it's perfectly reasonable to me-is is YOUR house so YOUR rules. But you need to outline these rules clearly with all new tenants and you need to not see them as friends but as their landlord. By all means be nice to them but keep the boundary so you will not feel uneasy in calling them out.

I used to rent as a lodger and some landlords would say this when viewing, seemed fine to me.

Try to keep it simple , Yes to notice before they have any guests, overnight guests 2 nights max and if have guests they need to use bathroom after your normal sharing routine . And no guests at all in house when they are not there, that is massive overstep.
If you choose to do have your sister in house when you are not there remember that you do not have to follow the same rules as them.

Yes say, my sister is staying this weekend so no guests please (if she was nice she would stay at boyfriends house and offer her bed like you did but she doesn't have to of course )

Other stuff you need to pull it up at the time . Assertively , like I see you have rearranged my furniture, can you please put it back as I had it how I wanted it, please ask before you borrow things from storage, please clear washing up away

Don't offer your room again if family come, just say, sorry you didn't respect my things last time.

I agree she shouldn't have to live like a nun, but when I met my partner he was a lodger in an old lady's house a d he would always stay at mine when we wanted to spend time together, and I wouldn't stay at his as it felt awkward and rude to the lady he lived with (to be fair, we didn't even ask her. She might have been OK with it, it just felt wrong to us).

Obviously it soon became apparent as things got more serious between us and our relationship developed, that we needed a new situation and so he moved out.

If being a lodger no longer suits her, then she has to move on, not carry on with the benefits of being a lodger whilst living like she's in a house share. Yes she can have a boyfriend, but if she wants him to stay over all the time then she needs a new arrangement.

One night a week would be enough for me... or twice a month by prior agreement if it was more than one night at a time.

More frequently and I'd reassess her contributions to bills etc.

No lodger visitors when you have visitors either.

She sounds quite entitled by treating your home and possessions like that.

*I would have been very clear at the beginning that there would be no overnight guests - and I would only have allowed female family members if agreed in advance

Who wants strange men wandering round your home*

I'd leave gender out of it really, it's the same having a strange woman wandering around your house.

And if 1 tenant is lesbian and the other 1 is straight it creates an unfairness not to mention the fact that gender labeling is a bones of contention issue today for some. Or if the next tenant is is a male etc it means he can't have friends over but a female tenant can.

Just say 'no guests' as a blanket policy, it doesn't matter if they are boy, girl, black, white or royalty-fairest for all and offends nobody.

@PonderingAIBU
'I also forgot to say, she also rearranged my living room furniture without asking when I was away, and no explanation was given.😐So nothing huge...'
Rearranging your furniture is actually a pretty big deal - this is your home, not a flat share and maybe she needs reminded of that.

Get rid. Just get rid. There are so many red flags here.

I think YABU to have not set expectations to begin with. Your lodger is BU for not treating your home fairly re. furniture and the other stuff

But you are inviting adult people into your home to live. People with social lives. You can't expect them not to have people stay. If you are uncomfortable with this you need to make your expectations clear when you advertise and in any agreement they sign. Or stop having lodgers.

I would suggest she needs to find somewhere to move into with the boyfriend. I would not be happy to tell her as many nights as she stays at his. Moving the furniture, taking items out of storage-what the hell? She doesn’t get to have her relatives stay or have you queue for the bathroom in your own flat! Get rid.

She sounds like a dick and not someone I'd want in my own home

But where are your boundaries and were they all set out before they moved in?

I don't know enough about lodging. But I'm guessing this is your first time? I'd read up more on the legalities and nitty gritty. These are fairly common issues I see raised on here a lot. I'm sure experienced landlords will have good advice.

She is taking the piss. Whilst she may pay to live there, this is your home. You need to establish new rules.
Only 1 set of guests at a time, as flat isn’t big enough.
Everyone needs to be responsible for their guests.
Guests that aren’t known to everyone should not be left unaccompanied.
Property belonging to someone else should be respected.
Furniture stays where you put it!

Out of interest, how are your utility bills split? Who is paying for the extra showers etc? A guest staying twice a week on a regular basis is going to put costs up.

You would be perfectly within your rights to tell her 'no overnight stays' or 'female guests only' or that overnight stays need to be arranged 24 hours in advance and will be billed at £x, payable in advance, to cover the use of hot water etc.

You do sound a pushover. And she seems to be picking up on that. Maybe you're giving too many mixed messages on what is ok and what isn't. Perhaps taking lodgers isn't for you but almost all of the things you are raising are things most people would have set in stone right at the very start of their tenancy and been clear on, but you even seem to have been lax with that by letting her stay there for free before she moved in and giving your own room up to their guests. It might even be too late now to start laying down ground rules and lead to animosity be Aude she's got away with so much. I really am more inclined to think she needs to go and just start again with a new lodger but this time get it set in stone from the start and don't invite people to walk all over you like a doormat. There's a saying that people treat you the way you allow them to treat you. You are allowing her and her guests to treat you like a mug...

I think you need to get yourself a backbone OP or this situation is going to escalate because you are too scared of putting down ground rules.

Next thing is that your other lovely lodger will move out or start doing similar.

Being a lodger in someone’s home is very different to house/flat-sharing and you would be wise to put down very clear ground rules from day 1.

Frankly, I would not be letting someone use my bedroom for their guests, however ‘lovely’ they are and I would be absolutely fuming if someone rearranged my furniture.

Why are you being so very feeble about saying anything and laying down rules? What are you afraid of? Are you like this in general?

I'd leave gender out of it really, it's the same having a strange woman wandering around your house

Not in an all-female house it isn't.

The most pressing issue in this for me OP is that he's regularly there on his own. That's the thing I'd address first