AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

[PonderingAIBU]

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

I was going to say this.

I think she’s tearing it more as a shared house/flat share (I mean as a group you decide to rent somewhere together) as opposed to a lodger arrangement.

I think honest conversations are to be had.

Such is her Cheek Fuxkery level of disrespect of you and your things, and home there is NO coming back from this.

There is NO point in now trying to close the gate after the horse has bolted.

Give her notice.
Do not be manipulated further by her.

And for goodness sake learn from this.

If I was the other lodger I would think you were an awful mug.

This is NOT a flat share.
These are not your friends.

You are too nice and friendly,big mistake.She is entitled and using your home as if she owns it.Every week this will present a new dilemma.Could be a different BF next month.I would tell her to go or put rules in place that you are happy with.Be strong now.Try a week only lodger who goes away every weekend much easier.Why are you clearing up after her ask yourself why do you let her treat you and the other lodger like this.

Do they have a contract /rules? You need sone in place!
Start with dykes that it's your home, not a flat share. They rent a single room, no guests unless notice, and no regular guests.
Absolutely no furniture rearranging (WTAF!) or going through your stuff unless it's in areas they're allowed

I'm 52 so I hear you, wouldn't be able for it at all, but it depends how much you are charging them. My daughter's at college and she knows two girls staying with older ladies (much older than me) and one of them is there on a song, she really values the situation and is so so so considerate and values the room.

If you're charging market rate and the lodger could easily move out and get another room, then I think you have to accept that you're taking their rent money and it should be their home, no judgement.

I think in your shoes I'd charge a bit under the market rate but make it clear from the get go, no one night stands.

For goodness sake OP grow a backbone!

She's your lodger and is taking the piss. I wouldn't be allowing people to be regularly staying two nights a week or rearranging my furniture, or chucking my clothes on the floor. You seem a total walkover where she does as she likes, smiles, and you meekly accept it.

Yes you should worry about all the small things. She's got the measure of you and knows she can do as she likes because you're too meek to stand up to her.

Get rid the clothes on the floor thing BC woukd have been n enough for me.

Get rid of lodger 1

She's charging market rate for a lodger which is much lower than for a flat share. You're basically paying for a bedroom and use of the bathroom and kitchen.

If you're going to have lodgers you need to be less of a pushover. Get rid of this one for sure! Do you have a signed agreement that sets out rules for visitors, use of communal areas etc? If not, you should.

ManyYears ago I was a lodger
in the contract it was clearly stated

no overnight guest with out permission

overnight guest allowed two nights a month

no guests allowed in the house if the lodger wasn’t with them

if I didn’t like those rules I was free to live elsewhere and pay more money

98% of sexual assaults are committed by males. Over 80% of the victims are female.

The perpetrator/victim division by sex is absolutely incomparable to any other demographic division. That is why it is reasonable to separate accommodation by sex and not by race, class, sexuality or “gender”.

I guess you could make a similar argument for age, which is why we have separate prisons, hostels etc for under 18s.

Before you take on a lodger everything needs to be made very clear, do you ask them to sign anything? If so, rules would be mentioned on there

My friend had to ask a lodger to leave as she started having her bf stay over so much he'd practically moved in

Maybe something along the lines of X amount of times a week a partner is allowed to stay over and that you also need to be made aware in advance?

Offering your own bed to her mother isn't something I'd have done, it sounds as though that kind offer was also abused

Don't be afraid of saying something "incase you upset somebody". She sounds like she's gradually taking the piss more by the week

This needs addressing or before you know it the bf will have moved in full time

Your lodger seems to think she is living in a flat-share, rather than lodging in someone else's home. Unless you make this distinction and your own house rules clear, she may not have much clue that what she is doing is not quite reasonable. It's perfectly reasonable to say you've changed your mind and now want no overnight guests, or whatever works for you.

It is their home but you need to feel safe and secure.

Next time give a list of Rules before they move in.

First of all Stop offering your room to guests
That’s your private space- It certainly is odd that you would give up your room for lodgers mother the mother can get a hotel
The relationship dynamic here seems like three friends renting a flat you are not their friends you are the landlord although its good you have a good relationship with them both

What does the tenancy agreement or whatever who u them sign say ?

Ignore people here who are telling you to give her notice ..she seems like a good lodger who is paying her rent

there isn’t anything wrong with him staying over from time to time even two nights a week however if he is staying two nights a week every week then you would need to explain to her that that would cost more in electric and water and her rent would have to be increased as a result .

Yes you can absolutely tell her that because your sister is coming over that unfortunately her boyfriend won’t be able to stay as it’s going to be too cramped and you would like some space And use this conversation as an opportunity to explain to her that although you’re happy with her boyfriend staying over from time to time he can’t be on a regular weekly basis as that would mean that he’s lodging there. If he doesn’t like it they can both rent a room together somewhere else

To be fair I'd probably be lovely and nice and love your cats too if I got free accomodation before I moved in then could walk all over you in your own home without even being challenged.

perhaps she has no idea that any of these things that are normal to her,

Well, a civilised and considerate person, living with others in shared space, should know without having to be told, that:

• you do your share of cleaning & clearing
• you don't throw clothes out of your landlady's wardrobe when that landlady kindly allowed your mother to use her room
• you ask when you want to have guests to stay
• you don't allow your friends to take over shared space, or your landlady's space

This.

And draw a line under casual visitors like her mum staying. She is taking advantage of you big time.

I would hate not to know who was in my home, especially if it was a random man. This one seems to be a regular boyfriend, but what if they break up and she starts inviting someone you have never met and you run into a complete stranger in your kitchen or bathroom? This places you and your other lodger at risk

Make is clear that you won't have this and suggest that if she isn't comfortable with the rules for your home that she may be happier somewhere else.

Sit them both down, and say that you're finding the amount of people in the flat a bit overwhelming at times so are dialling it back to only one person having a guest at a time and that overnights aren't to be on weekdays when you have work because of the bathroom situation. You can quote the cost of gas/electricity, your insurance and wear/tear on the flat rather than saying it's a piss take.

That way, you're cutting it back to friday and saturday nights only and are taking back a little bit of control before it gets too much. And please don't give your own room up for their guests, you're making it far too easy for someone to dominate you. And they are, sadly.

Your home - your rules. And you should have set them out in advance, but it is not too late now.

This definitely depends how much she was paying. If it’s the same amount as she’d pay for a house share, it’s hard to blame her for the boyfriend tbh. 2 nights a week is really not that much. When I was a few months in with my boyfriend we were roughly 5 nights a week together although both in flatshares and his housemates were also in new relationships.

The bigger issue of cleaning / lack of respect for your stuff is something I’d address.

And you must set clear boundaries — when I was flat hunting many years ago, I came across a room in Brixton, lovely big house etc. But they wanted £690 per month and I’d only have been able to have my boyfriend over once a week, plus they used the house as a family home one week a month so no use of the sitting room. I ran a mile.

But it's an awkward discussion to bring up and I wish she could have just raised it or asked before having him over regularly. :(

YOU should have made the rules crystal clear, in writing, from the very beginning. This never would have happened if you had been more responsible.

If you don't sort this out your other lodger - decent, non piss taking one - will find somewhere else to live.