Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

346 replies

PonderingAIBU · 01/10/2022 01:24

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Pemba · 01/10/2022 11:39

@Banana2079 but being a good lodger is about more than paying the rent and being superficially friendly. She is abusing the arrangement and trying to take over. This behaviour is too entrenched now for her to change without resentment from her. That's why it's best for the OP to get rid and start again.

BreatheAndFocus · 01/10/2022 11:40

I’d say no overnight guests and if she doesn’t like it, she can leave. It’s not a flat-share but she doesn’t seem to care about this. You can blame the cost of utilities if you don’t want to say the real reasons. She can stay over at her boyfriend’s place or she can find somewhere to rent with him. It’s not your problem.

BlueRidge · 01/10/2022 11:47

I hope you've moved your furniture back to where it was!
I can see a hitch in your "only one set of overnight guests at a time" proposal.
Whose guests would take preference? Hers or yours?
So, you mention on a Monday that your mum will be staying at the weekend. CF lodger says, "Oh no, sorry, that won't work. Boyfriend is coming."

Crazykatie · 01/10/2022 11:49

We had lodgers a few years ago, visitors could be a problem, especially if they are very passionate and noisy, a no overnight visitors is probably the best policy if you are concerned about it.

ThreeWarriors · 01/10/2022 11:50

I don’t think she’s the lodger for you OP.

Somethingneedstochange · 01/10/2022 11:54

Maybe lay down some rules. But I wouldn't be allowing someone to stay in my room even if I'm away if they can't show respect. Get a lock on your bedroom door.

HalloweenTree0flight · 01/10/2022 12:10

A long time ago
I had a long distance relationship
I went to stay with my partner who lodged for a few days
His LL used to charge him an extra £5 per day, that I stayed

He didn't stay there long

ShandaLear · 01/10/2022 12:10

The boyfriend should absolutely not be there when she’s not there. I think you’ll need to call a house meeting. She’s not living in a house share, she’s a lodger and while you want them to feel at home they need to respect your space and belongings. Things like parties are multiple people staying over and making you uncomfortable in your own space are unacceptable. I think she sees you as a pushover and will keep stepping on boundaries until you find yourself living in a situation where you feel pushed out of your own home.

Eddielizzard · 01/10/2022 12:12

She's not lovely, OP, she's taking the piss. I would set rules down: no he can't be there without her. Yes, she does have to ask before he comes over. Only one guest at a time between the lodgers, so yes, you can have guests whenever you want. She asks before she borrows stuff. She does not rearrange your stuff. She cleans up her mess (WTF!!!)

Personally I'd get rid of her, but you seem to like her. Thing is, you want to be fair to everyone, but you ARE the landlord and it IS YOUR house. You are not equal in your house. While it's hard you do have to set clear boundaries. If she pushes back, I'd be telling her to pack.

0nTheEdge · 01/10/2022 12:13

It sounds like lodger 1 is taking the piss big time. Does she show any respect towards you at all? The throwing your clothes on the floor, rearranging the furniture and telling you her boyfriend was staying rather than asking are all massively out of order. I find it hard to stick up for myself so could see myself getting into the same kind of predicament, but by now I would definitely hit my limit and gone ballistic!
Please find some courage to raise all of these issues. You don't have to be an arse about it, just say it's not a house share and the things she's been doing aren't appropriate. She can either modify her behaviour or move out!

oakleaffy · 01/10/2022 12:19

Absolutely no overnights!
It tends to be thin end of wedge.

Honeylover333 · 01/10/2022 12:20

Chamomileteaplease · 01/10/2022 09:22

She's not very lovely nor very friendly. She is a rude, arrogant cow. And I suggest you give her notice. She sounds a complete mickey taker.

I agree. Taking clothes out of your wardrobe — that alone is going way beyond normal boundaries. She’d be out of line even if it was a flatshare, where everyone has equal rights. And it’s not a flatshare, she’s a lodger in your house. Don’t be a doormat!

MossGrowsFat · 01/10/2022 12:23

HalloweenTree0flight · 01/10/2022 12:10

A long time ago
I had a long distance relationship
I went to stay with my partner who lodged for a few days
His LL used to charge him an extra £5 per day, that I stayed

He didn't stay there long

And that sounds reasonable.

Agree with difference between lodger and flat share. Get rid of lodger and then write a rulebook for the new one.

dianthus101 · 01/10/2022 12:28

I wouldn't be very keen on the fact that he was in the house and/or communal areas when she isn't and the number of days he stays over should be limited (e.g two to a week). However, I think those sort of rules should apply to flat/house shares too. I don't really agree with many posters that being a lodger is necessarily very different to being in a flat share. It depends on what you charge for rent. If it's no less for a room than in a flat share then I would anyone in their right minds choose to be lodger?

dianthus101 · 01/10/2022 12:30

It depends on what you charge for rent. If it's no less for a room than in a flat share then I why would anyone in their right minds choose to be lodger?

Spanielsarepainless · 01/10/2022 12:31

He's staying a third of the week, she gets charged a third more. But I couldn't live in that way. Give her notice that it's time to find somewhere else.

HappyMediocreTime · 01/10/2022 12:32

She’s not a good fit for you - I’d ask her to move tho I imagine doing so will feel awkaeard

WhatALoadOfWankyness · 01/10/2022 12:36

She taking advantage of you . No overnight visitors is the golden rule. She's taking the piss

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/10/2022 12:39

rookiemere · 01/10/2022 11:38

If you don't sort this out your other lodger - decent, non piss taking one - will find somewhere else to live.

Also this - then you will end up wit CF lodger, and possibly another CF lodger who replaces the decent one, and your home won't be your own.

The occasional ear rub for your cats isn't worth this carry on!

AnotherDelphinium · 01/10/2022 12:39

YANBU; she is treating your home like a house share.

Honestly? You need to sit down with her and explain the problem and how uncomfortable it’s making you feel, and as such, going forwards, she can have a visitor two nights a month. If she feels that she’d prefer to be in a houseshare, you perfectly understand if she’d like to give notice.

Other forums/sites do mention the ‘boyfriend rule’ (whereby her bf can stay with her the same number of nights each week she stays with him). I’ve never offered this as frankly I don’t want the possibility of someone staying three nights a week, and I feel this is more appropriate for houseshares where it reflects utilities usage.

If you drop me a PM I can send you a copy of the deposit agreement and licence I use for lodgers, I highly recommend you use similar or just edit mine!

WiddlinDiddlin · 01/10/2022 12:42

She is taking the piss!

Set them both straight (so its not just aimed at one... though everyone will know it is)...

No overnight guests without prior permission sought.
Overnight guests are the exception, not the rule - set whatever you like there but I'd suggest 4 x a month max!
Lodgers live in their rooms, they use the kitchen/bathroom as necessary.

This is NOT a flat share!

MossGrowsFat · 01/10/2022 12:42

dianthus101 · 01/10/2022 12:30

It depends on what you charge for rent. If it's no less for a room than in a flat share then I why would anyone in their right minds choose to be lodger?

No it doesn't. Op wants a lodger and charges a price. Person is the able to decide if they want to pay the price AND be a lodger.

They don't get to think that the charge means they are flat sharing.

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/10/2022 12:46

I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again.

Perhaps - and this is pure speculation - it isn't just because you aren't comfortable with having a man in your home (and I certainly wouldn't be), but because you aren't comfortable having THIS man in your home.

Maybe your "spidey-senses" are warning you of something. If they are, lLISTEN TO THEM.

Whatever it is - it is YOUR house and you have every right to use your own kitchen and bathroom without feeling you are trespassing.

Quite honestly, I wouldn't expect any decent bloke to stay hanging about in a place that wasn't his own when his G/F had gone to work, or whatever - I would have thought he'd get himself out. I would bet my bottom dollar that he knows that you and Lodger 2 are uncomfortable with the situation and is enjoying your discomfort.

Beekindbeehumble · 01/10/2022 12:49

I would put the lounge back to how you wan it. The lodger can only choose how their bedroom is arranged,
never let anyone use your bedroom.

family visits with previous agreement - yes

BF or GF staying over regularly - I would add an extra charge onto their contract, per night or disallow.

regular extra person in your flat will increase your costs - showers, water use, electricity …

mumda · 01/10/2022 12:49

Your home and your rules.

Setting a maximum of two nights a month would seem fair on you.

And then if they don't like it then can find a place of their own where it can be their rules.

Swipe left for the next trending thread