AIBU to expect lodger to ask before regularly having new boyfriend stay overnight

[PonderingAIBU]

I've been renting 2 rooms in my flat to 2 lodgers for the past few months. We get on well and both are very lovely, friendly, and love my cats which is a huge bonus (all feels amazing after a bad experience with a previous lodger a while ago).

Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me.

Both have previously asked if family can stay and I've said yes, I'm totally happy with that from time to time. I even offered my bedroom to lodger 1's mum when I was away for a longer visit.

Lodger 1 now has a new boyfriend and the first time he stayed, she announced he was staying over without asking or discussing how me or Lodger 2 feel about it. It's all very new but since then, he's stayed over for abut 2 nights a week for the last couple of weeks. (Not a huge amount).

But I'm not sure if I'm unreasonable to feel a teeny bit bothered by the fact that he's started staying over without her giving me a heads up or asking if that's ok first? I feel a bit unsettled with someone I don't know wandering around my flat when I'm working from home or him sitting in the kitchen (by himself). I'm not sure if I would have been bothered by any of this if I was 10 years younger, so I'm not sure if I've just become an old fart who feels unsettled by strangers in her home or if I'm being unreasonable?

So as not to drip feed, she's really lovely generally but I've been a bit bothered by a coupe of things, like when her mum stayed in my room, she cleared space in my cupboard without telling me and threw my clothes on the floor and the top of my cupboard (with no explanation or apology when I came home), she's also taken personal things out of my storage space and used them (I would have said yes if she asked but she didn't), and doesn't clean or put away washing up. Plus a few guests previously - like on my birthday when I felt pushed out of my own home (although to be fair I hadn't told her it was my birthday - but a heads up would have been nice). Or when she asked to stay a few days for free before she moved in, when I didn't know her yet.

I'm generally very laid back and hate bringing things up in case it upsets anyone, but boyfriend has turned up again and I'm in bed wide awake and generally feeling a bit unsettled by it, wondering how long he'll be staying and if I'll be able to use the kitchen over the weekend. It's not necessarily a landlord question, rather than it would be nice for both me and the other lodger to know who is in our home and feel safe and consulted etc (the 2 lodgers do get on very well but I get the feeling lodger 2 wasn't loving finding the new random boyfriend hanging out in the kitchen by himself when she got back from work).

I realise she's paying rent and is entitled to start a new relationship. And I don't want to be unreasonable about it. But I'm not sure why I've got a knot in my stomach when I heard the boyfriend walk in again. :(

AIBU to even be bothered by the not asking about the boyfriend staying over. And should I just let it slide because we get along well and otherwise, she is lovely and friendly to have around? Sorry for the long post.

Who did the kitten belong to?

Lodger definitely shouldn't leave bf in house when she is not there, I'd hate that. He's a stranger to you! You need groundrules for future lodgers, and need to talk to current lodgers about them. If she doesn't like them she can move.

@Cherrysoup It was a foster kitten that she got from her work. She asked if we could foster it and I said no problem at all. And I looked after it when she was at work. It turned out the kitten had fleas and so I had a bit of drama getting my own cats to the vet for flea treatment (none of which I moaned about at all). The vet told me I need to treat the house. So again I did that without any fuss (hoovering and spraying some flea spray). And then I sent a friendly message to both lodgers to let them know what the vet said and that I've cleaned. And then the 'nice' lodger completely flipped out and became very aggressive for literally days after.
I was expecting an 'oops, sorry, thanks for cleaning'. But I got 'OMG you're being like my mum' and then just worse and worse aggressive comments for absolutely no reason. And then shouting at me for things she'd completely made up in her head like 'I wanted her to take time off work to clean', 'she can't both pay rent and clean' etc etc...

And when she moved out she brought a colleague with her who was equally glaring at me, so I've no idea what she said about me. Very frustrating as she works at a place I regularly go to.

After I got your advice about the boyfriend, I just had a relatively friendly chat with the lodger back in October to say I was happy for him to stay as often as she stays with him. So 3 nights a week, which I thought was pretty generous. But she didn't take that well and asked 'what my problem is'. And whenever he came over there were passive aggressive comments about me thinking he's an 'intruder'. And then he also started throwing his weight around a bit, saying he was very upset (according to the lodger) one time when I (politely) asked him to move his bike out of the living room so I could clean. And then other things happened like a couple of things going missing from the living room (which I never mentioned to them but was super frustrating).

Frustratingly though I did enjoy living with them right until the rather mad 'kitten gate'. But I suppose it's super hard to find the right people.

Sounds like they walked all over you and didn't respect you.
Seems they are still learning about 'my roof, my rules'.
Good thing you managed to get them out without having to go to court.

There are some good tenants out there, don't lose heart.

Maybe you are jealous youre not getting any action

@pinheadlarry Erm, bit of a leap haha. Jealous how exactly?

"Both are about 10 years younger than me and I'm in my 40s, so feel like dating days are a bit behind me."
You might be subconsciously jelly, otherwise why mention this ^^
40s is not the end of datin..
Do you really want your lodger to ask you every single time she wants her boyfriend to come over? Does that apply to all guests or just boyfriends? Would you care if she was a lesbian?
You just remind me of those old fashioned landlords who don't allow female lodgers to have men in the house..

@pinheadlarry the issue was with bills but I also didn't think it was unreasonable to expect her to mention (initially) that she'd met someone and now wants him to stay for half the week. As it happened I said he's welcome to stay for stay for as many days as she's at his (before bills start going up). I think that's pretty reasonable. And no I didn't ask her to ask every time he stayed over.

I don't think it's a landlord issue either. I think any housemates who share bills would not be massively impressed by a partner being moved in without running it past everyone first (along with issues like hogging the living room, bathroom and kitchen). I don't think it's unreasonable to check in with either your housemates or live-in landlord before having an extra person move in.

Thank you @Treesandsheepeverywhere for being nice. It's been a horrible few weeks but thankful for it to be over.

Glad to hear you've shifted both of them.

Not sure why you're suddenly getting grief OP, pretty standard that lodgers don't have guests overnight the majority of the week and in some instances, they NEVER have them.
And yeah I've lived in many flat shares and a guaranteed trigger for dissention in the ranks is people having partners stay over/hang around, using heating and electricity and wifi, eating food, making a mess and getting in the way.

Right up there in the top five of How To Fall Out With Your Flatmates (along with stealing food, never replacing communal food, leaving the sink full of dishes and using the last of the toilet roll without saying).

If you have a male lodger you decide if they are ok, if you have a female lodger you have no idea what their standards are regarding men.

I have only ever had one male lodger, ages ago when DH I first bought our house. I would not be against lodgers in the future but always lay down rules. My preferred way would be a mid week lodger but I appreciate you may need more income than this arrangement.

Lol. You are funny!

What a relief that they're gone!

Ignore @pinheadlarry - obviously a late-night troll/wind-up merchant...

Off topic a bit, but why would your dating days be behind you when you're only in your 40s?

I also have lodgers, and have pets so I understand the issue of needing someone who gets on with them! I've also been a lodger myself.

When it comes to visitors, I have a rule of no bringing home one night stands - they have to have known the other person for a minimum of 24 hours. This works well as it allows them enough time to sober up and evaluate the person before bringing them back. All visitors need a heads up first, and that works both ways. No leaving partners unattended in the house (though I might let this slide if I know and like them). No moving partners in; I've never felt the need to enforce it but some people have a rule where if the partner spends two nights here they must spend two nights at their partner's.

I would be much more bothered by the washing up and cleaning - that needs a stern chat. Rearranging the living room furniture without discussion is also rather

Personally I can't say I'd be giving up my bedroom to my lodgers mum. I've got a spare airbed that I can lend out and eventually there's going to be a guest room, but I think I draw the line at my own bedroom!

If you are thinking of getting another lodger, there's currently a huge housing shortage - more acute than normal. I didn't advertise my house properly - I messaged a few people on Spareroom who looked suitable and explicitly said they liked pets. My latest lodger works with animals, and even my uncharmable dog has taken to her.

Some people only take short term lodgers - less time to get their feet under the table and feel excessively comfortable. Some only have one lodger at once to avoid feeling outnumbered.

Landlords must give 24 hours and gain the tenant's permission. The tenant can deny permission and if that happens the landlord cannot enter. The only exception to this is in the case of dire emergency (fire, flood, gas leak etc) (Housing Act 1988)

Landlords can put many things in tenancy agreements that are not enforceable. An example would be telling the tenant to do a handstand every Tuesday, banning visitors, or telling the tenants they're not allowed to eat potatoes. It is the landlord's property but the tenant's home, and they have no say on what happens there unless it's plausibly going to damage the house or annoy the neighbours.

Lodgers, of course, are not tenants but are excluded occupiers, and so their live in landlords have far more say.

There is a lot of difference between a house or flat share where the landlord does not live at the premises, and having lodgers, where the owner occopuier is also living at the premises.
In the second instance, it is usually cheaper, and often the rent is inclusive of bills, so the rent for the room is what you pay. But the lodger has far fewer rights than those in a flat share.

So glad to hear it's all over, even though they did apparently take some of your things with them. It's your space after all.
We had lodgers for years and most of them were lovely. We did make it clear at the outset that they couldn't have boy/girlfriends staying and only once had your problem, quickly solved when he moved out to live with her.
We had someone lodging with us once paying low rent in exchange for some housework. Since she did no housework we simply asked her to leave which did not go down well. She also brought a friend who glared at as whilst she packed up and left.

So pleased @PonderingAIBU that your lodgers have moved out. Many years of shared houses and lodgers in my own home, have taught me that I can disagree with someone's political or religious views quite dramatically, but if they make me feel uncomfortable, then they have to go. It's horrible not feeling "at home" in your own house!!