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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DH (or anyone) I’m pregnant?

197 replies

Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:04

I’m pregnant. Found out today. I have been a fool and lax with contraception. Deep down probably felt was too old to get pregnant. There is no way we want another baby. We’re barely keeping our heads above water with the children we have and we are OLD. My DH struggles with the idea of abortion. I think I just want to go get an abortion and tell no one - I feel ashamed of getting pregnant. When I was v young I had an abortion which took me years to get over - back then I felt abortion was wrong. Decades more life experience, loved ones having abortions, having several v early miscarriages which didn’t feel like losing a baby (compared to how I know I would feel losing a pregnancy after perhaps 12 week mark), and I think I could cope mentally with a very early abortion. I think my DH would struggle a lot more. But I know he definitely would not want another baby. Am I wrong in just going ahead and getting an abortion without letting him know?

OP posts:
Original poster
Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:05

God, it feels weird even posting about getting an abortion ☹️ it’s my own fault though.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2022 22:05

You are not wrong in any way, shape or form. This is completely your decision.

AlongCameBetsy · 29/09/2022 22:08

You aren't just thinking of what's right for you, but what's right for your entire family unit. If that means keeping it to yourself, nobody else is in any position to judge.

letmeeatcrisps · 29/09/2022 22:09

its your body your choice - lots of women have done similar (i nearly did but lost the baby before I could access termination).
Life is hard enough for women / mothers without having to pander to men and their opinions about abortion

KosherDill · 29/09/2022 22:09

You are not wrong. It's your body. You have to think of the big picture.

Lcb123 · 29/09/2022 22:13

Your body, your decision. If you think DH would agree, I’d personally tell him, for the emotional and practical support

Loachworks · 29/09/2022 22:17

Don't beat yourself up. This is your choice to make. As long as you feel mentally strong enough to shoulder the aftermath without DH's support then it sounds best for you.

35965a · 29/09/2022 22:18

If doing that feels like the right decision for you then absolutely do it.

Original poster
Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:20

Thank you. Generally I’m an honest person and this seems like a very big thing to keep
to myself and in general I would
like emotional support but I think telling DH could increase the emotional toll. He knows I’ve had an abortion, and doesn’t judge me for it, but he and his family would be quite anti-it I think…we are Irish and he didn’t vote in the abortion referendum, I think partly because he couldn’t bring himself to vote either yes or no. But his sister and father would have gone on anti-abortion marches…We really really don’t want another baby so he would acquiesce I think, but due to his background his conscience would definitely be troubled.

OP posts:
Amipreg1 · 29/09/2022 22:20

I don't think you're wrong. Ultimately its your body so your decision. However I personally couldn't cope with the guilt from going ahead without my husband knowing.

Original poster
Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:21

There is guilt from going ahead without him knowing. But then I think I’m doing him a favour - by not loading that on his conscience.

OP posts:
Sittingonabench · 29/09/2022 22:22

This is difficult. I generally don’t think it’s great to lie to protect someone. If it comes out then he may feel like you have made a decision without him being able to have his own feelings on it. However having an abortion is entirely your own decision and so equally I think you should be able to make the decision without pressure one way or the other.

fastandthecurious1 · 29/09/2022 22:23

As someone who had a secret termination it is hard and a lot on your shoulders but if you know deep down another child isn't feasible and your DH would object and possible sway you both into a wrong decision due to moral obligations I would say it's your body your choice.
However if you are unsure of his actions I would try to talk as it's really hard alone. Sorry if this isn't much help but I don't think there's a black or white answer unfortunately

drpet49 · 29/09/2022 22:23

i Couldn’t and wouldn’t hide something like that from my husband.

Janedoe95 · 29/09/2022 22:24

This probably isn’t helpful but I do think you should tell your DH even if you were lax with contraception it takes two to make a baby.

secrets do always come out eventually and this is a pretty big secret if I was you it would come in to my head anytime anything to do with pregnancy or babies came up.

I also don’t think you should bare the emotional burden alone

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/09/2022 22:24

You do whatever you feel is right for you. That is the absolute beginning and end of this situation.

Doesn't matter how you found yourself here. It is irrelevant. You're not obliged to tell anyone or justify it either.

Sending you all my love OP. It is terribly hard. But it can be dealt with swiftly and discreetly and you can get on with your life.

Original poster
Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:27

I think if I don’t tell him, or anyone, then in a way I can almost pretend it didn’t happen and just move on. Is that naive? Whereas if I tell him it will turn it into a very very big deal.

OP posts:
lunar1 · 29/09/2022 22:27

It's your body and your choice, you have nothing to feel guilty for.

fastandthecurious1 · 29/09/2022 22:29

op you have answered your own question do what you need to and hopefully move in. Do you have a friend you can confide in for moral support? If you are sure it's the right decision you will not be haunted by it x

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 29/09/2022 22:30

Amipreg1 · 29/09/2022 22:20

I don't think you're wrong. Ultimately its your body so your decision. However I personally couldn't cope with the guilt from going ahead without my husband knowing.

I'd feel more guilty if I knew he would have wanted to have the baby.

@Puppalicious personally I'd keep the baby whether DH wanted to or not, my body, my choice. so the same for you having an abortion.

I think it's a shame you'll have to do this alone to spare his feelings though.

you have been lax with contraception, so even more reason to spare his feelings,but him aside, are YOU really sure YOU don't want another one? (Why are you being lax with contraception otherwise??)

people of all ages can be good parents, you'll be different with another one, than you were with your first (and any inbetween) but different isnt bad!

Tabitha888 · 29/09/2022 22:31

You've got us 💖 we're here for you if you want to talk. You are doing what's right for everyone. Your body your choice x

Heyln · 29/09/2022 22:32

This is awful. He absolutely deserves to know regardless of what you end up doing. If it was the other way around I would be p**d if my partner kept something like this from me.

yougotthelook · 29/09/2022 22:33

Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:27

I think if I don’t tell him, or anyone, then in a way I can almost pretend it didn’t happen and just move on. Is that naive? Whereas if I tell him it will turn it into a very very big deal.

No not naive. If this is what you decide then I'd say go ahead and don't confide in him. This is very difficult to go through on your own though...do you have a trusted friend?
Just for context I helped two friends go through this who absolutely couldn't tell their partners- it was the right decision in both cases, and they are both still with their partners.
Sending love xxxx

Boomboom22 · 29/09/2022 22:33

Can you reframe it in your mind as a miscarriage? Caused by pills but still. If you are old and early on the baby may not be viable and you might miscarry anyway.
But if you would hold guilt consider talking to someone else, maybe less religious friend. I think they offer counselling as standard but the wait may take you past 12wks so I'd look into private.

Original poster
Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:34

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination i am absolutely sure I don’t want a baby. There is no way I am not having an abortion. I have panic attacks as it is that I can’t cope with the children I have (3), my youngest is still a toddler. There is absolutely no way I could cope with another. Which is why I wonder what is the point in troubling my DH by even telling him?

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