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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DH (or anyone) I’m pregnant?

197 replies

Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:04

I’m pregnant. Found out today. I have been a fool and lax with contraception. Deep down probably felt was too old to get pregnant. There is no way we want another baby. We’re barely keeping our heads above water with the children we have and we are OLD. My DH struggles with the idea of abortion. I think I just want to go get an abortion and tell no one - I feel ashamed of getting pregnant. When I was v young I had an abortion which took me years to get over - back then I felt abortion was wrong. Decades more life experience, loved ones having abortions, having several v early miscarriages which didn’t feel like losing a baby (compared to how I know I would feel losing a pregnancy after perhaps 12 week mark), and I think I could cope mentally with a very early abortion. I think my DH would struggle a lot more. But I know he definitely would not want another baby. Am I wrong in just going ahead and getting an abortion without letting him know?

OP posts:
Noteverybodylives · 30/09/2022 08:15

I would usually say to never keep something like this a secret - not only is it something that he should really know about but I also worry you might need support and won’t be able to tell him.

However, in this scenario I would definitely not tell him.

You know what you need to do and his opinion may muddy things or make it harder then it needs to be.

You are just going to have to be extra careful about when you do it, as if he did find out I think you going behind his back could end the relationship.

AisforApplePie · 30/09/2022 08:18

Hey @Puppalicious don’t have any advice except for please get yourself some support in place, counselling etc. there are some amazing charities out there happy to help. Start before you have an abortion and continue it during and after. You need to make sure you are supported mentally. Even if you’re 100% sure you want an abortion the emotions can still be so much to handle (I also had one when I was young and it blew up my life).

Look after yourself. Sending you love. Xx

WillPowerLite · 30/09/2022 08:18

You and dh are both equally responsible for this pregnancy. It is not your sole fault.

Absolutely proceed with booking an abortion. Get that sorted first.

Then it's about what will be better for you - telling the judgemental man you are getting an abortion, or keeping it to yourself and thus telling a pretty big lie to dh.

I'd tell him, but I have the hide of a rhino. I think keeping it secret from him is a perfectly good choice.

You be kind to you, above all else.

RosetteNebula · 30/09/2022 08:21

This reply has been deleted

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It's not a child, it's an embryo.

BoopBoopBoDiddley · 30/09/2022 08:23

Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:27

I think if I don’t tell him, or anyone, then in a way I can almost pretend it didn’t happen and just move on. Is that naive? Whereas if I tell him it will turn it into a very very big deal.

If this is a coping mechanism for you, and it would work, go for it. Have you a friend to confide in?

Miajk · 30/09/2022 08:24

Heyln · 29/09/2022 22:32

This is awful. He absolutely deserves to know regardless of what you end up doing. If it was the other way around I would be p**d if my partner kept something like this from me.

It's her private medical history though. She doesn't have to share it with anyone, not even partner.

Miajk · 30/09/2022 08:26

RosetteNebula · 30/09/2022 08:21

It's not a child, it's an embryo.

Show quote history

Say goodbye to what? A bunch of cells that aren't conscious?

If you're misinformed on what a child is that's fine but using emotive language like this to make OP feel bad about a decision she needs to make about her body is pretty disgusting.

Noteverybodylives · 30/09/2022 08:31

Say goodbye to what? A bunch of cells that aren't conscious?

Although I agree. I think we need to be careful about being insensitive on here.

Miscarriages or terminations can be difficult for someone to go through, even if they are just a bunch of cells.

OP knows what she wants to do but it doesn’t mean it’s not a hard thing for her to go through.

Badgerstmary · 30/09/2022 08:32

Oh op what a difficult situation. I completely understand & support why you want an abortion & would have one too if I became pregnant. I don’t think there’s any right or wrong answer in telling your husband, I just hope you have support irl. 💐

Wife2b · 30/09/2022 08:34

I couldn’t imagine keeping such a secret from my husband. Yes it’s your body and your decision ultimately but given that you are married, I’d say he has a right to be given the opportunity to share his views.

Darbs76 · 30/09/2022 08:40

I’d do the same as you. I think I’d rather do it and not tell anyone too if I got pregnant at my stage of life (mid 40’s, 3 kids, 2 of which are adults and looking forward to all flying the nest in the next 5yrs!). Good luck

NightIbble · 30/09/2022 08:41

If you want to reframe it as a miscarriage would you be able to tell DH that it was a natural one, then you get the support without having to put him through the moral dilemma, that ultimately wouldn't change the outcome as you have the final say as it's your body.

crackersforcheese · 30/09/2022 08:43

No advice I'm afraid, but sending you so much love and strength Op💕 Do what you need you need to do💕

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/09/2022 08:44

Yanbu at all to want an abortion. At all.

But I couldn't keep this a secret from my husband, and I think that you shouldn't either.

Verbena17 · 30/09/2022 08:45

Regardless of whether he’s pro or anti abortion, keeping a lie/truth from your partner will either come out eventually or you’ll know for the rest of your life that you’ve been hiding it from him.

If you were poorly afterwards for example/something went wrong and you had to go to hospital for example , he would find out you hadn’t told him and what strain would that put on your relationship?

Surely the man you share your three kiddos with and your life deserves to know - regardless of what you personally choose to do? I think you need to think about which will be worse - his reaction on you saying you’re going to have an abortion or his reaction after he finds out you’ve had one without telling him.

fghj149 · 30/09/2022 08:48

It is much easier said than done I know, but I think you should tell your husband for your own peace of mind rather than contemplating processing the aftermath alone. If you’re completely transparent with him then there’s nothing to hide or worry about should the truth somehow come out.

Cw112 · 30/09/2022 08:51

At the end of the day this is ultimately your decision to make, if you don't want to be pregnant then you are the only one to make that call. You shouldn't be embarrassed that you're pregnant, it happens all the time and lots of people have been in your shoes so nothing at all to be ashamed of.

What I would say is that you need to weigh up the impact keeping a secret like that from your husband would have on your relationship. I imagine it could be very hard and I also imagine that while he may struggle with the idea of it, that he would also want to support you if you do go ahead with terminating. If something happens and he finds out later that may be even harder to reconcile than if you sat with him and explained you feel very strongly about your choice, your very valid reasons why and understand his feelings but you want him to support you even if he doesn't support the decision itself? In that sense you're not actually asking him to make a decision but to support your decision? In terms of his family they have no need to ever know- it's none of their business. I wouldn't say you are wrong to keep it from him because I wholeheartedly think it's your choice and you may worry about him having a knee jerk reaction, but if it were me I probably would speak to him calmly and at least give him time to digest his feelings on it more for the sake of the relationship than anything else, I still think you're well within your rights to go ahead with whatever you decide to do regardless.

caringcarer · 30/09/2022 09:04

If you are sure an abortion is best for you and don't want to tell your DH, then don't tell anyone but a counsellor. If you told your sister and she accidentally let it slip your DH would feel betrayed. Get it done quickly, it will be easier. if you need a day in bed you can claim stomach bug. Sort out your contraception for afterwards. Good luck with your plan.

nightvision · 30/09/2022 09:16

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billy1966 · 30/09/2022 09:18

Absolutely do it OP if it makes YOUR life easier.

You do not need to take on his possible upset.

Abortion can be upsetting but get it organised asap and be kind to yourself.

Wishing you the best.

ThanksItHasPockets · 30/09/2022 09:20

I'm so sorry that you're in this situation, OP. Could you take the pills and allow him to believe that you are miscarrying spontaneously? It is bad enough to take on the emotional consequences alone. You should be able to access support for the physical side of things, especially if you have a toddler to care for.

NotJustAnybody · 30/09/2022 09:23

I'd go with having the abortion without telling him and then tell him you had/are having a miscarriage. You'll get the emotional support you need. You might at some point feel able to tell him about it. Your body, your choice.

monkeyupsidedown · 30/09/2022 09:23

Woukd it be easier for you supportwise to get the abortionpill, take it and tell DH that you felt weird, went to the GP and turns out that you are pregnant but miscarrying? That way he doesn't have guilt and you have support and he knows about the pregnancy.

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/09/2022 09:24

It’s your decision, so what’s right for you (and in your circumstances, your family too).

Choconut · 30/09/2022 09:26

You've made the right decision for you and are determined to go ahead so telling your husband seems like a bit of a futile thing especially if you don't really want to. He's not going to change your mind, he doesn't want another child really anyway and you're not sure how supportive he'd be.

Generally I'm all for honesty 100% but telling him seems to have no positives for either of you. The only thing to consider is if he finds out at a later date one way or another would that cause huge problems in your relationship? If you keep it secret then I wouldn't tell anyone apart from a counsellor.

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