To not tell DH (or anyone) I’m pregnant?

[Puppalicious]

I’m pregnant. Found out today. I have been a fool and lax with contraception. Deep down probably felt was too old to get pregnant. There is no way we want another baby. We’re barely keeping our heads above water with the children we have and we are OLD. My DH struggles with the idea of abortion. I think I just want to go get an abortion and tell no one - I feel ashamed of getting pregnant. When I was v young I had an abortion which took me years to get over - back then I felt abortion was wrong. Decades more life experience, loved ones having abortions, having several v early miscarriages which didn’t feel like losing a baby (compared to how I know I would feel losing a pregnancy after perhaps 12 week mark), and I think I could cope mentally with a very early abortion. I think my DH would struggle a lot more. But I know he definitely would not want another baby. Am I wrong in just going ahead and getting an abortion without letting him know?

And then there’s the guilt he may put on you to keep it if you tell him which will complicate the situation even more. The pregnancy is your burden alone and therefore your decision to make.

Ideally I would talk to my sister but she may not be able to have a second child so it would be insensitive to say the least. Maybe I would speak to a counsellor - but after the fact. It’s very important to me to get this done asap so that in my own head I will deal with it better - ideally before there is any chance of a heartbeat even. If that’s possible then I think it will be much easier for me to come to terms with.

I really feel for you, this isn't an easy one. I think if I were in your shoes I'd keep it from him too, and I don't say that lightly. It is ultimately your choice whether you have a termination or not, and given how you say he likely feels and may react I think you'd be doing you both a favour.

Have you got anybody who you can tell IRL? I wonder if there may be some voluntary or NHS moral support that may be accessible to you - worth asking the clinic maybe? Just in case you have stronger feelings about it closer to or after the event.

i have another sister I could talk to (both sisters have had abortions which I’ve supported them with) but she’s indiscrete and I couldn’t guarantee she wouldn’t get drunk and tell someone.

I totally understand what you're saying about sparing your dh from dealing with it. I'm not convinced that secrets really work like that though. I think there would be an inevitable important bit of your life that was not communicated with him. Id be concerned that that barrier would spill over and potentially sour the relationship, even if you are trying to make sure it doesn't. Personally I would make what ever decision you want to make with him by your side. And if the decision is for an abortion then perhaps he gets some counseling to help process what he finds hard about it. That way you are facing it together.

What if it were a spontaneous miscarriage which required medical management? Could he support you in that situation?

Precisely

Do what you need to do.

Hi op. It is so early on and you would just be swallowing a pill. If it is going to distress your husband and also you and lengthen things out, then don’t tell anyone and go ahead.

By the way a friend had an abortion (at about 14 weeks) and she didn’t tell anyone. Told me she was having a miscarriage at the time. Years later she told me about it.

How old are you if you do mind me asking? I have a friend in a similar position

It's your decision I had one about 3 years ago and no one knows. I had one at 5 weeks and it was like having a very heavy period it did not resemble anything just a clot . I then went back to work etc shortly after if you are really sure I would contact BPAS now they send out the pills very quickly. It's easier to do the earlier it is.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, I have often thought about what I would do if I ended up pregnant accidentally (am in 40’s partner has no kids, mine are older) and I don’t know if I would tell him if I was adamant I couldn’t cope with another and put him through that pain.
You need to do what is right for you, however it’s a big secret to keep long term xx

I’m 43.
Ive been through the process before, I had to take pills for a late miscarriage that stayed in my body. I did that alone, my DH was at a wedding. That will be harder than this. Il not sure men are great support for things like this in any event.

YANBU, it sounds like the right decision and who's to know if the pregnancy would have worked out anyway, especially if you're older. In your shoes I'd be glad to have your level of conviction.

Later miscarriage I should say, it was still before 12 weeks.

I’m not in UK so BPAS not an option unfortunately

Thanks everybody for all your thoughts btw

👏👏👏

Couldn't agree more!!!

You struggled with the first abortion. If you struggle with this one what will you do for support? If it knocks you for six how will you process? I know from experience that burying stuff/emotions usually comes back to bite you on the arse and never at a time you would want it to! Do you think keeping a secret in your marriage will impact you? If your husband kept a secret from you how would you feel? If or when your husband finds out about this how would you both feel? If not all goes to plan, how will you explain how you are physically? This is a really hard situation but don't you think he would want to be holding your hand/supporting you no matter how difficult the conversation is going to be

It sounds like you have put a lot of thought into the best action for your family and I don't think anyone can doubt or judge you for that but have you felt about having to deal with this alone and live with the secret? It sounds like the sort of thing that could be really harmful to a loving relationship.
Your DH is still the dad and it seems the right thing to do to at least let him know.
How will you feel if you keep this a secret?

Think through the implications of you don’t tell him. You can’t possibly know how it will affect you physically, mentally or emotionally and you won’t know until after. You might be fine and you might not. I had a termination and my
hormones and emotions were all over the place so that would have been hard to hide. I also had a some retained tissue that led to an infection and emergency surgery a month later. It would have been awful to have then had to explain the whole thing to my partner if he hadn’t even known about the termination.

I really feel for you and I understand your desire to not tell him. It might not be easy to do so in practice.

I hope it works out ok for you whichever way you choose to proceed.

I'm 40, and had an abortion in my twenties and then suffered years of infertility. We now have our much wanted child and hope to have another but in your circumstances I wouldn't tell either. And I don't say that lightly, I can deal with my own shit but once it's out it might really feel like something massive and be more likely to affect you. Personally I could cope with the abortion better than the not telling but I do think given your circumstances that as you say it might be easier to just do it now and forget it ever happened.

I'm Irish too and my views on abortion have changed over the years. When I had mine it was very much a taboo thing even among close friends, whereas some of those friends had an abortion later on down the line.

And it's not a child as someone up thread said 🙄. It's a cluster of cells at this stage.

Totally you're choice and definitely ignore the poster trying to make you feel bad. Secrets can be tough and harmful, but I understand why you feel that might be best. How would your DH respond do you think if you present it as a fait accompli? As in "DH I've gotten a really early positive pregnancy test and will be getting an abortion as soon as possible. I didn't want to have a secret between us and I could really use some support if you feel able to, but this is 100% my choice and I can't wait, I really need to do this as soon as I can."

Only you know you OP, do you think you'd have the strength to keep it from him long term? If not him, is there someone else irl you could confide in. It's such a tough situation for you to carry on your own xx

True, but what about your conscience?
Would you be ok keeping it hidden for the rest of your days?
Would your DH be really upset/angry that you did have an abortion going it alone without support or even him having a chance to discuss things?
Just a few things to consider it would be awful if it tore your family apart.

That said I'm in total agreement that it's your body and your choice and no one has a right to expect you to do things against your wishes.