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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DH (or anyone) I’m pregnant?

197 replies

Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:04

I’m pregnant. Found out today. I have been a fool and lax with contraception. Deep down probably felt was too old to get pregnant. There is no way we want another baby. We’re barely keeping our heads above water with the children we have and we are OLD. My DH struggles with the idea of abortion. I think I just want to go get an abortion and tell no one - I feel ashamed of getting pregnant. When I was v young I had an abortion which took me years to get over - back then I felt abortion was wrong. Decades more life experience, loved ones having abortions, having several v early miscarriages which didn’t feel like losing a baby (compared to how I know I would feel losing a pregnancy after perhaps 12 week mark), and I think I could cope mentally with a very early abortion. I think my DH would struggle a lot more. But I know he definitely would not want another baby. Am I wrong in just going ahead and getting an abortion without letting him know?

OP posts:
oviraptor21 · 29/09/2022 23:54

You have clearly put a lot of thought into this and have probably decided on the best course of action.
Just be really careful to think through all the ways your DH or anyone might find out and try to mitigate against that happening.

Thelongnights · 29/09/2022 23:58

Your not wrong, & the choice is yours ... but I honestly think you should tell your dh, that's way too big of a secret, like potentially end your marriage type secret especially if your dh feels a certain way about abortion. Be honest, tell him this is what's right for you and you need him to support you, it is likely you might need the emotional support afterwards, those hormones even in the early days can do right number on your mental health.

CommaStop · 30/09/2022 00:19

If - as it sounds - you're in Ireland I would call the My Options helpline which can offer non directive counselling. I know you are certain what you want but it might be good to talk to someone out loud about the DH situation. Sometimes a conversation about something I'm struggling with can help me clarify how I feel. Personally I would struggle with keeping it from my DH but I know he would be 100% supportive/on board with my choice so somewhat different situation. I can see why you don't want to have to deal with his potential reaction on top of the rest. Difficult situation to be in - I hope you find the way that gives you greatest peace and the support you need.

TomBradysLeftKneecap · 30/09/2022 00:44

I could have an abortion in your situation but I 100% couldn't lie to my husband about it. Talk to him, make yourself heard and follow whatever plan you know is the right one.

Somethingneedstochange · 30/09/2022 00:45

It's your decision we're not judging. There's no child at this stage. The foetus still only a bunch of cells. You have to do what's right for the children you already have. Nobody will judge you for that. I certainly wouldn't want to be bringing a child into the world the way things are ATM.

JudgeRindersMinder · 30/09/2022 01:00

Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:27

I think if I don’t tell him, or anyone, then in a way I can almost pretend it didn’t happen and just move on. Is that naive? Whereas if I tell him it will turn it into a very very big deal.

I don’t think it’s naive at all, it’s self preservation I think.
I’ve never been in your position but I’m pretty sure if I was I’d probably handle it in exactly the way you’re proposing. My only concern would be any emotional support you might need about it in the future?
I think there are more women than you’d think who have done this

NumberTheory · 30/09/2022 01:11

If you know what you’re going to do and have no intention of giving him a say in the matter, then it’s a kindness to keep it to yourself - for both him and you, given what you say about his difficulty with it.

NumberTheory · 30/09/2022 01:15

I would say, if you aren’t going to tell your DH, then this is a secret that should go to your grave with you alone, probably. It would be unreasonable to tell anyone who knows him or is at all likely to get to know him if you aren’t going to tell him. So make sure you can handle that (I’m not trying to put you off. I’d do exactly this, it’s a good decision.).

Shamedandconfused · 30/09/2022 01:22

I have had one in secret. I didn’t tell anyone (Abusive ex)
I never regretted having it or keeping it to myself. But please see if you can get some counselling from the services, it’s a heavy weight to bare on your shoulders all by yourself. If you need to talk or offload feel free to PM me. Good luck xx

ChampagneCamping · 30/09/2022 01:31

i would have the tablets to abort and tell him afterwards so that he knew but wasn’t able to pressurise you to keep the baby

Pumpkinbite · 30/09/2022 01:32

It’s nice for him that he can abstain from voting for other womens rights to an abortion
but when it’s a baby he created, his wife can just take care of it quietly without putting it on his conscious

YANBU for doing whatever is right for you, your body your choice. I’d find it hard to have such a big secret in my relationship and as a feminist I think he could do with knowing where he stands when it actually impact him.

Blueink · 30/09/2022 01:35

This is a tough situation. It is quite a big secret to keep, consider if it might be something that will come between you or if it came out how it might damage his trust. I understand you feel ashamed and want to protect him, but he’s a grown man equally responsible for contraception and doesn’t need your protection.
From what you say he’s aware you had an abortion before and not judgemental and you are not at any risk of coercion or DV from him. On balance I would tell him though not share it with the wider family. You have nothing to be ashamed of and as much as you think you can pretend it didn’t happen, it won’t mean it didn’t happen.

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/09/2022 01:38

It's something that right now only affects you. I'd tell him if he was going to be a good source of support. If he's going to be a liability - needing to talk and take time and make it all about him and his issues - then you are doing both of you a favour by leaving him out of it.

I think people make way too much about the need to share everything. And I think some of them just enjoy drama and can't understand why you would want to avoid it. You know you don't want the baby. Telling him is only going to drag things out and quite possibly end up resulting in a more unpleasant abortion process.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/09/2022 01:41

Your thought process is a good one.

You are going to do what you know you will both want without putting the pain of making the decision on your husband who you know will struggle with it, when you wont. I think that shows a great love in your marriage and a kind understanding of your husband.

Many of the comments on here are borne from personal belief surrounding abortion and not from reading the question you asked.

At the absolute worst, reframe it as a miscarriage, but do what you know to be the right thing to do for you both.

CouldaShouldaWoulda071 · 30/09/2022 01:45

If you go through with the abortion and then end up with unexpected emotions/emotional problems, how can anyone support you if you don't tell them? Just something to consider.....do you want/are you ready to go through this by yourself?

Best wishes

VioletToes · 30/09/2022 01:54

At the absolute worst, reframe it as a miscarriage, but do what you know to be the right thing to do for you both

This ^

Don't tell your dh if he's going to guilt you into keeping it.

CardiffMam · 30/09/2022 02:18

I'm 43 and I have three children and I would do exactly the same. Look after yourself x

Montasaurus · 30/09/2022 02:43

Your body, your choice.

I stand with you, whatever choice you make will be the right one.

sending love OP xxx

KeepingKeepingOn · 30/09/2022 02:44

@Puppalicious just picking up on your ‘naive’ point, i have been in a similar position where having a baby was just so obviously not the right thing for us that the decision was made for me.

I think that helped me stay very distanced from the baby itself, which was a positive. I booked in very quickly and the whole episode lasted no longer than a week. I have never regretted it, other than an entirely natural ‘what might have been’ occasionally. Just my opinion, but for me, getting it resolved quickly helped me process it and move on quickly and as unemotionally as possible. I didn’t feel guilt about not telling anyone because I didn’t give myself time to feel - it was a head over heart decision.

I don’t know if I’ve explained that very well, but hopefully you understand. Good luck with your decision 💐

CrustyFlake · 30/09/2022 03:26

Firstly, you are not wrong for wanting to do this, or for keeping it to yourself. It is your right to make this decision alone, if you want to. Please don't take on any guilt there.

However, I would be concerned that he could find out in some way, and then it might cause problems in your marriage if he finds out you kept it from him. I know it's unlikely but there could be complications, or it could come up in future medical dealings. I would tread carefully here.

Wishing you all the best OP, it's a tough situation to be in.

Suzi69 · 30/09/2022 03:54

I think you can do this in secret. It’s much simpler to not tell Dh; you sound as if you’ve made your mind up anyway. I think if you’re going to go ahead it’s easier to not tell anyone; otherwise you’ll always be wondering who else they’ve told.

Please plan the day very carefully. You won’t be in any fit state to look after your children I would think for a few days. Try to get some child care support; maybe feign some illness?

Best of luck.

Lessofallthisunpleasantness · 30/09/2022 04:16

You wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last. Tough secret to keep but only you know how much it matters to you.

AnImaginaryCat · 30/09/2022 04:52

I think you need to speak to your GP (if they are a sympathetic one who won't block your abortion) or at least start the arrangement for an abortion.

When your are at the stage where its happening then consider this question. It'll be the case you are telling him you are having an abortion and why, rather then telling him you are pregnant and considering an abortion.

You're in a tough position. But you need to consider you may need or want physical and emotional care afterwards. Would he provide that?

Also think about if it would be more damaging if he found out later rather than before.

It's a lot to think about. So sorry.

NurseInTraining · 30/09/2022 04:58

What will you do that night? Do you sort dinner for the family, arrange clean clothes, do the washing up? What if you just can't deal with things and want to hide in bed? What would you tell your husband?

FrozenGhost · 30/09/2022 05:00

She would just say she isnt feeling great and needs an early night, which would be true.