To not tell DH (or anyone) I’m pregnant?

[Puppalicious]

I’m pregnant. Found out today. I have been a fool and lax with contraception. Deep down probably felt was too old to get pregnant. There is no way we want another baby. We’re barely keeping our heads above water with the children we have and we are OLD. My DH struggles with the idea of abortion. I think I just want to go get an abortion and tell no one - I feel ashamed of getting pregnant. When I was v young I had an abortion which took me years to get over - back then I felt abortion was wrong. Decades more life experience, loved ones having abortions, having several v early miscarriages which didn’t feel like losing a baby (compared to how I know I would feel losing a pregnancy after perhaps 12 week mark), and I think I could cope mentally with a very early abortion. I think my DH would struggle a lot more. But I know he definitely would not want another baby. Am I wrong in just going ahead and getting an abortion without letting him know?

I think it depends on how you’re going to deal with it. If you can see it as a regular medical procedure and won’t dwell on it after then I wouldn’t say. If however it will be a burden then I’d tell.

Do what you feel is right op. It must feel awful doing this alone & not being able to tell anyone, but there’s always support & a hand hold here (once you’ve scrolled past all the haters 😉) 💐

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I voted yanbu but this part has made me rethink it. I think this is naive and I know you are only trying to help yourself get through what you feel needs to be done but in the long term I would be concerned that it will hurt you.

I would strongly suggest you share the news with your husband. You could do it in a "I've had a bit of time to think on it and I really want to terminate. I need your support and I know it's a tough decision but for me the decision is already made".

I honestly think that you would eventually tell him and he might be more upset that you felt you couldn't tell him or that you kept it from him rather than had the termination.

Don't feel guilt, there is no need to feel you don't want another baby in your world. If it is still early, it's tiny and just a lot of cells. Try not to think of it as a baby because that's so emotive and not necessary.
I would tell you DH because he feels the same and he can support you. No one else, it's not their business, but you don't need to do it alone. You're a team, you don't need to protect him it needs to be mutual.

I would tell my current partner as I know he'd be totally supportive of an abortion and we have discussed the fact that I will not be having more children. I also know that a girlfriend long back had an abortion of his child without discussing it first but then beat him with the fact afterwards. If you go ahead without telling your DH (and in your shoes I would) then you must make sure he NEVER finds out. What he doesn't know can't hurt him.

So sorry this has happened to you, but your husband is equally at fault. He must be aware that all forms of contraception have a failure rate.

Your body, your choice. Also your choice whether to tell anybody, even your husband - especially if he's likely to give you grief.

Hard to advise without knowing how against an abortion your DH would be. It's something I'd want my partner to know so I have some moral support but if he's going to insist you have the baby (which obviously he can't because you won't) then no, don't tell him.

No, you’re doing what’s best for you and your family including husband. It sounds like he wouldn’t be supportive and would make it more difficult.

I told him. He was talking all about having wine and beef tonight and I wasn’t in the mood, and it ended up just slipping out on the phone. I told him I had an abortion appointment booked.
He was fine about it. He said we couldn’t have another, my body to go through another pregnancy. He said the only thing that makes him feel funny is thinking of his actual babies and how if a decision had been made they wouldn’t be here but I just said this isn’t a baby yet and he agreed, that we just do it fast and that we tell no one. And that maybe he considers the snip.
Im glad I told him. It’s too big a secret to keep.

The reason for discussing this with a partner is to gain support. Keeping a child or aborting is 100% your choice. It sounds as through you fear your dh will make this about him and his struggles when it is your body and your struggles.

If you think it will be easier for you emotionally, I wouldn’t tell him. I also wouldn’t discuss this with your sister, who could talk. I would keep this to myself and pay for some counselling. I know you may say you can’t afford that but all in all, a few sessions would be cheaper in the scheme of things and you may be able to get it on the nhs.

Will your dh get a vasectomy?

Cross post. I’m so pleased he took it well.

YANBU.
You can get a pill for this very quickly, and this will be over within a few days.

Poor you - OP. Big hugs and I feel for you
💐

Ah you posted this as I was typing mine.
So pleased you have shared this burden and now have some support.

I wish you well OP

I'm so glad his reaction was quickly supportive. I can totally understand why you'd have considered doing it alone, if you were unsure how he'd be, but I think it's important that you now know you have that support from him. Wishing you both all the best.

I’m so glad that your conversation went well. I wouldn’t tell anyone else if I were you, not your sister, not anyone and would ask your DH to do the same. It’s very private info and no one is entitled to know this. Hope everything will be ok.

Glad you have his support op. You will be stronger facing it together.

I’m in tears now. He was instantly supportive.

Ah well done OP, I'm so pleased you talked it through and he's supportive

Oh I'm so glad to read this. Definitely too big a secret to keep. It sounds like you have a lovely, supportive husband and excellent news that he's taking some responsibility and considering the snip. I bet that's a huge weight off your shoulders. Wishing you all the best! X

I would tell mine because I'm 100% sure he would agree with me and be nothing but supportive. It must have been horrible to have that doubt, but I am glad that your husband came through for you.

Oh I’m so glad you told him and that he was so instantly supportive that has to be a massive weight off. I’m so relieved for you. Best of luck for the next steps x

That's lovely OP. I'm happy he's supportive and that you can deal with this together

Oh that's a good result op. Hope you are able to get things sorted easily now.

Well done OP, the right decision I think. Hopefully you can get sorted quickly.