To not tell DH (or anyone) I’m pregnant?

[Puppalicious]

I’m pregnant. Found out today. I have been a fool and lax with contraception. Deep down probably felt was too old to get pregnant. There is no way we want another baby. We’re barely keeping our heads above water with the children we have and we are OLD. My DH struggles with the idea of abortion. I think I just want to go get an abortion and tell no one - I feel ashamed of getting pregnant. When I was v young I had an abortion which took me years to get over - back then I felt abortion was wrong. Decades more life experience, loved ones having abortions, having several v early miscarriages which didn’t feel like losing a baby (compared to how I know I would feel losing a pregnancy after perhaps 12 week mark), and I think I could cope mentally with a very early abortion. I think my DH would struggle a lot more. But I know he definitely would not want another baby. Am I wrong in just going ahead and getting an abortion without letting him know?

I can understand your objective in not telling your husband. But are you sure you won't come to resent him? both for not sharing the burden of the decision but also for not being supportive of you/looking after you when you are going through it or even if it has an emotional impact on you.

I had two abortions before DP and have never told him. Not due to secrecy but it's just a personal thing and I thought he would struggle with it. It's ok. Good luck x

I would get the abortion and not tell him in your circumstances.

You can always tell him after when it’s a done deal if you don’t want to have a secret but personally I would find a secret like this easy to keep once the logistics of the actual procedure were dealt with.

The only people who need to know are people who will make it easier for you. If your husband isn’t in that camp then it’s easier for everyone if he doesn’t know.

I was in your situation and went ahead with the termination. My DH never knew and I don't regret it.

I actually have an agreement with my DP that if I get pregnant again then I will have an abortion without his knowledge. He told me he would rather not know.

I wouldn't tell him.
I would go ahead with the abortion in secret and guilt free.
Anti-abortionists tend to be very narrow minded and unable see beyond their own cocks or fanjos - so you'll get no thanks for telling him.
He doesn't deserve your honesty, by the sounds of it.

You know your DH, you know your family and you know your circumstances. If you think it’s best to keep quiet and go ahead with a termination then do that. ( it’s what I’d do, I wouldn’t be able to cope with anyone else’s emotions or opinions being put on me)

No I don’t think I would tell him. If you know he would ultimately agree with you but it would cause him pain (and you more pain having to witness that), then it’s the best route.

Technically it is still a miscarriage. You can tell him that if you want to tell him anything at all.
You think he'll be judgemental or would blab to his family, of course don't tell him.

One thing I would insist on, is him getting the snip, since he's certain he doesn't want any more children.

Well isn't he a peach.
Maybe he should step up for the snip so you don't have to put yourself through that.

Would you be able to keep it from him once you started going through the physical part of it? I don’t know whether you could pass it off as a heavy period or not.

If you can avoid telling him then I don’t see the advantage to sharing it with him if you are certain that you don’t want to continue with the pregnancy but you know that he would want you to.

@Pumpkinbite i can see your point.
head in turmoil with trying to decide. Of course if I’m not to tell him I shouldn’t have put it in writing here! I’ll make the necessary appointment and then will at a minimum have over the weekend to decide. It is best he doesn’t know but I would worry what effect keeping a secret like that would have on our relationship.

I would think I could pass it off as a heavy period, but again maybe I’m underestimating the effects.

💐for you OP. What a sad choice you are making. But it is your choice and nobody can judge you for it.

My only worry (for you) would be...what if something medical went wrong on the day, and your DH had to find out like that. How would he feel, at that point? I think it would be very traumatising for him, and difficult to get over.

I know it's a low risk, but it's a risk. Not one I'd want to take.

I wish you all the very best though, whatever path you take.

@Puppalicious
Dilemma- If it’s very early, I’d maybe keep it a secret- IF it means you won’t get grief from your husband.
Lots of women get caught out “On the change” as a relative calls it.
She did and went for a termination and sterilisation in one-
personally I think her DH should have had a vasectomy!
Best wishes -

Absolutely your decision to have an abortion. You're doing what's right for you and your family. These things happen with contraception so don't beat yourself up too much.

I don't think you should do it behind you DH back though. I know the guilt of doing it without DH would eat me up and ultimately if it ever came out he would feel betrayed. I think you need to speak to him about it but be strong on your decision.

If he's so against abortion or upset at you for missing contraception then maybe he should take the initiative and get a vasectomy. It takes 2 to tango and contraception shouldn't be purely your responsibility.

It's your body OP - it's your right to make the right decision about what is in it - particularly when sharing this information will probably lead to you being guilt-tripped or forced to keep a baby you do not want.

This is a point..
I looked after someones DC when they went for a termination-
She never came back when arranged-
and the hospital wouldn’t tell me anything!!
Luckily she was OK, but it meant Others having to look after her DC for a few days and nights til she was discharged.
That wasn’t an early one however!

Every marriage has some secrets. I used to wonder why people did keep secrets but I am older now. Life doesn’t have to be like a soap opera. In real life people aren’t ‘haunted’ or ‘found out’ if they choose not to be. I am not sure sure if I am making sense really but it’s your body and your business.

Completely your choice OP. Sending you a huge hug. 💕

I've had an abortion when I was young and I am the same age as you and would have one if I got pregnant again. I never thought of the pregnancy as a baby because that pregnancy would never have existed if I had been more sensible. I am annoyed that you are in this position alone though because of your husbands' views, but still understand that it sounds like the right choice for you. I am not religious so that probably makes a big difference, and I really do struggle to understand how some people have such strong views about what another person decides to do about what is essentially a medical condition at this point. I think you are being very kind not telling your husband because essentially it sounds like you know that he too would want an abortion, but would feel guilt over it. I hope he appreciates you a lot.

Could you tell him your pregnant, take the pills and then pass it off as a miscarriage? That way he can be a support to you

I really feel for you OP. I’m so sorry. Such a difficult thing to have sprung upon you so suddenly, please don’t beat yourself up about it. I’m going to go against the grain and say I think you should definitely tell your husband. It’s ultimately your decision - no question of that - but this is something you should go through together. You never know how something like this will affect you until it’s upon you and secrets on this scale I worry you will regret (even if never uncovered).

I wish you all the best.

Do whatever feels right to you and get your contraception sorted.

Sometimes a problem shared is a problem doubled. There are arguments for simplifying decisions or even protecting others from decisions - and I think this is one of those cases. In your shoes I would not tell - but I would explain heavy bleeding as a likely miscarriage and use this as an opportunity to discuss contraception with my DH.