Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell DH (or anyone) I’m pregnant?

197 replies

Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:04

I’m pregnant. Found out today. I have been a fool and lax with contraception. Deep down probably felt was too old to get pregnant. There is no way we want another baby. We’re barely keeping our heads above water with the children we have and we are OLD. My DH struggles with the idea of abortion. I think I just want to go get an abortion and tell no one - I feel ashamed of getting pregnant. When I was v young I had an abortion which took me years to get over - back then I felt abortion was wrong. Decades more life experience, loved ones having abortions, having several v early miscarriages which didn’t feel like losing a baby (compared to how I know I would feel losing a pregnancy after perhaps 12 week mark), and I think I could cope mentally with a very early abortion. I think my DH would struggle a lot more. But I know he definitely would not want another baby. Am I wrong in just going ahead and getting an abortion without letting him know?

OP posts:
BattenburgDonkey · 29/09/2022 22:35

But what if you end up needing to tell him for medical reasons? What happens to your marriage then? Without knowing your relationship it’s hard to no what’s best here, but I’d be worried about what happened if he found out, would he be more hurt by the lie?

yougotthelook · 29/09/2022 22:35

Heyln · 29/09/2022 22:32

This is awful. He absolutely deserves to know regardless of what you end up doing. If it was the other way around I would be p**d if my partner kept something like this from me.

Absolutely not helpful...if you can't show a bit of solidarity then I'd suggest you don't post.
OP is in turmoil...don't be a dick and add to it

Lemonyfuckit · 29/09/2022 22:36

Nothing different to add to what everyone else is saying, but if you think that's the right decision for you (and I note in any case you're not just thinking about you but your whole family, but it is ok to think about just you), absolutely your body your decision. It sounds like a very difficult situation and I'm sorry you don't think your DH would be supportive / in agreement so it is ok for you to make this decision yourself.

bawsy · 29/09/2022 22:37

Do what is right for you. There is no right or wrong answer here, but if you feel this is right deep down then do it. It is your body and your decision, however hard it is

TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination · 29/09/2022 22:39

Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:34

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination i am absolutely sure I don’t want a baby. There is no way I am not having an abortion. I have panic attacks as it is that I can’t cope with the children I have (3), my youngest is still a toddler. There is absolutely no way I could cope with another. Which is why I wonder what is the point in troubling my DH by even telling him?

@Puppalicious

im sorry you're struggling with your three, it will get easier! Promise x

i was agreeing with you that you're sparing his feelings not telling him (and if for any reason he finds out, you can tell him that!), but it's hard on you with no support, but if you know you're doing the best thing, then doing it quickly and getting in with life, is probably the 'easiest' option.

bloodyunicorns · 29/09/2022 22:39

It's your body, your decision. If you think your h will make it harder for you to have an abortion, then don't tell him, but ideally you should tell him so he can support you.

Wishing you well 💐

Pashazade · 29/09/2022 22:39

If it is so early that you can sign it away to being a blip and feel you can cope then I can completely understand why you wouldn't tell him. So difficult, but ultimately very much your decision for all the reasons you've stated. I'm not sure he'd thank you for sharing the knowledge from what you've said. Maybe get him to have the snip though. Good luck.

TheTeddyBears · 29/09/2022 22:40

Just do it if that's what you want. You could possibly end up with issues if you tell him. He might talk you in to keeping it when ultimately that isn't what u want it he will resent you.

Jknow · 29/09/2022 22:41

I wrote a very similar thread a while back. I did end up telling my DP, I was worried that because of his religion he would struggle with it but actually he was fine. Honestly it was such a relief once he knew. I actually had a MC (picked up by pre abortion scan), and ended up having surgery to remove it. I honestly don’t know what I’ve done without him, the whole thing really took it out of me for a couple of weeks. Your DH is a grown man, you don’t need to spare his thoughts and shoulder this yourself, although I understand your way of thinking because I had the exact same thoughts when I first found out.

Snugglemonkey · 29/09/2022 22:41

Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:34

@TooMuchToDoTooLittleInclination i am absolutely sure I don’t want a baby. There is no way I am not having an abortion. I have panic attacks as it is that I can’t cope with the children I have (3), my youngest is still a toddler. There is absolutely no way I could cope with another. Which is why I wonder what is the point in troubling my DH by even telling him?

To me the point is to get you the emotional support, the care afterwards etc. It is a lot to ask of yourself to hide it away as it creates extra stress for you, when you could be doing without it. It is just something to consider. It is all well and good sparing him and his feelings, but what is the cost to you? Maybe it suits you not to have to deal with his feelings. There is nothing wrong with that. You are in a difficult situation and it isn't for anyone else to tell you what is right. The only right is what gets you through this. Good luck.

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 29/09/2022 22:42

It’s such a hard decision to make and I really feel for you. I couldn’t keep that from my DH because I’m a chronic worrier and I’d be thinking what if something goes medically wrong and he finds out that way (very unlikely I know!!). On the other hand it’s 100% your body and your decision. Your gut instinct will guide you.

Yack02 · 29/09/2022 22:48

Don't tell him. You don't need him piling on the guilt afterwards or trying to coerce you into keeping it.

Just do what is right for you.

Original poster
Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 22:48

I think I could reframe it was a miscarriage. I can’t quite remember my last period but I think I’m about 4 weeks, I’ve had some cramping around the last 3-4 days which may be implantation cramps. Generally I suspect/know I’m pregnant around the 3.5 week mark, twice I’ve tested pregnant only to miscarry at 4/5 weeks.
Depending on whether I can get a consultation tomorrow (because there’s a mandatory 3 day cool off period), I could start the process next Wednesday or Friday, and would find it much easier to deal with mentally if I knew that I was no more than 5.5 weeks. Telling my DH could slow things down. I think I would almost rather he find out after the fact, if he finds out at all. I think he would forgive me. I think.

OP posts:
userxx · 29/09/2022 22:51

It's quite a big thing to keep to yourself, I'd personally be wanting the support from my OH.

Queuesarasarah · 29/09/2022 22:53

Could you even keep it a secret? When I had an early miscarriage which I assume (perhaps incorrectly) is similar in physical sense to an early abortion, it was very obvious to my partner and affected my cycles etc.
I understand your reasoning but I think you’d be better off just telling him the decision is made and you’d like his support afterwards, so he doesn’t feel he has to make any kind of decision against his conscience.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/09/2022 22:54

If you tell him, do you think he would speak to his family about this? That could be very, very problematic.

Kate0902900908 · 29/09/2022 22:56

If this helps Ive struggled with infertility and I would have the abortion considering your circumstances. You have obviously taken time to consider the affect another child would have on the family as a whole. It’s not what is right for your family. It is hard that your husband would struggle and makes more sense to do this alone but I’m sure there is support out there you can access. Im sure there are lots of women in your position who have to make the same decision. Good luck and look after yourself X

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 29/09/2022 22:58

I think you just need to be honest and tell your DH and work out what you want to do about it. At the end of the day, honesty is the best policy and no good can come from lying. You'll always have it hanging over you if you decide to go ahead without telling him and really he also has the right to know. How old are you OP?

Tumbleweed101 · 29/09/2022 23:00

I'm 46 and my family is mostly grown. I'd very likely choose abortion at this stage. It is your choice for what is best for your family and financial situation.

Blowyourowntrumpet · 29/09/2022 23:01

I think you're actually doing a selfless thing by not telling him.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 29/09/2022 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ginswinger · 29/09/2022 23:02

You are being incredibly brave and selfless but I do wonder who is propping you up emotionally whilst you ponder how to resolve this. I completely understand why you might not tell your DH and take on his emotions but don't think you have to shoulder this alone. You sound wonderfully thoughtful and kind and I wish you all the happiness.

Viviennemary · 29/09/2022 23:06

I think you should tell him. It might in future become an unbearable burden to keep this a secret and could affect your mental health. If you are sure this would not be the case then maybe consider not telling him. What about speaking to a counsellor. And get thir input. It might make things clearer in your own mind.,

Original poster
Puppalicious · 29/09/2022 23:10

@AlmostAJillSandwich , no a child very much does not exist. If that were so, we would be mourning my very early miscarriages as if they were lost children equivalent to my actual
children and I do not. It is currently a bundle of cells - which may very well not even be viable.

OP posts:
Herejustforthisone · 29/09/2022 23:10

It is your body and your choice. It sounds like you’ve made your (sensible in my opinion) decision. You don’t need your H-who-struggles-with-the-idea-of-abortion making you feel guilty or trying to change your mind. He literally has no say in what you do.