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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think you can learn a lot about someone from the way they speak to waiters & shop assistants

223 replies

chatterbug22 · 29/09/2022 19:45

Or anyone they perceive to be lower than themselves

Nothing repulses me more than hearing people patronise waiting staff and people who work in retail. Slow timing them, being ‘assertive’ with them, demanding the nominal service charge for the table to be removed for literally no reason than ‘they shouldn’t have put it on the bill without asking me’.

Just think all of it is gross. Even if your new jumper has a snag in it or your food was cold, the person you are speaking with is almost always not to blame and they are at the bottom of the ladder just trying to earn an honest living.

I’ve been told previously that this opinion means I am virtue signalling but I really admire those working for minimum wage as often it’s jobs that have little thanks in exchange for a lot of manual effort.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/12/2022 14:49

Kanaloa · 15/12/2022 14:47

I didn’t ask of you’d say it - I wanted you to confirm what you said, that you think saying ‘I didn’t realise it was packs may vary, please could I refund or swap, thanks very much’ is a ‘sniveling apology.’

Well I see it as snivelling. I’m not gonna think “well that’s not my fault” and say out loud “Yes my fault” just to get a basic service.

KrystynaZ · 15/12/2022 14:50

What does "slow timing" someone mean? I am intrigued!
I've already Googled for those about to suggest it.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/12/2022 14:50

Anyway. I’m officially disengaging with you. We are taking over the thread. You will never agree with me and vice versa, we will both get over it but rehashing it all is just wasting time.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/12/2022 14:51

I am wondering is ‘slow’ was maybe a typo?

Kanaloa · 15/12/2022 14:52

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/12/2022 14:49

Well I see it as snivelling. I’m not gonna think “well that’s not my fault” and say out loud “Yes my fault” just to get a basic service.

Right - so we’ll simply never see eye to eye because you see what I consider normal and respectful interaction to be a ‘sniveling apology.’

Saying ‘I didn’t know this was packs may vary so can I refund it or swap please, thank you for your help’ is not a sniveling apology. It’s a normal way to speak to somebody, even if they’re being paid.

Kanaloa · 15/12/2022 14:52

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/12/2022 14:50

Anyway. I’m officially disengaging with you. We are taking over the thread. You will never agree with me and vice versa, we will both get over it but rehashing it all is just wasting time.

Finally we agree on something! You’re right that (as I said upthread) we’ll need to agree to disagree I’m afraid.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/12/2022 14:53

Kanaloa · 15/12/2022 14:52

Right - so we’ll simply never see eye to eye because you see what I consider normal and respectful interaction to be a ‘sniveling apology.’

Saying ‘I didn’t know this was packs may vary so can I refund it or swap please, thank you for your help’ is not a sniveling apology. It’s a normal way to speak to somebody, even if they’re being paid.

It’s not how I speak to people when I haven’t been at fault and they’re being curt with me. HTH.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2022 15:03

Devoutspoken · 15/12/2022 07:48

Just pay the service charge, get out of there and never return if service was shit, but don't make a big song and dance about it

So if the food is cold, there's a hair in your soup, I spill your martini over your sleeve, I call you dude throughout whilst loudly chewing gum, I walk off and you can hear me telling my colleague about the fat one and the old one on table 3 (you and your partner) I STILL get my full tip, the food gets eaten or left but not returned and you'll just show your upset by NEVER COMING IN AGAIN as if I'd care? That's so passive and ridiculous

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/12/2022 15:09

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2022 15:03

So if the food is cold, there's a hair in your soup, I spill your martini over your sleeve, I call you dude throughout whilst loudly chewing gum, I walk off and you can hear me telling my colleague about the fat one and the old one on table 3 (you and your partner) I STILL get my full tip, the food gets eaten or left but not returned and you'll just show your upset by NEVER COMING IN AGAIN as if I'd care? That's so passive and ridiculous

Yes exactly

Can we just not encourage women to shirk any ounce of assertiveness they have and tolerate shit behaviour from other? It’s the last thing we need. All this #BeKind crap is far more damaging than it is beneficial. It won’t kill a 17yo to have to learn how to navigate a tough situation or solve a problem. Some might even say it’s a good learning curve for them.

the80sweregreat · 15/12/2022 15:15

I think you can. Being polite doesn't cost anything.

beachcitygirl · 15/12/2022 15:16

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet

Leave @Kanaloa alone now. She has said twice that I can see, let's agree to disagree.

You're becoming an online bully. Every time uou tag her she'll be notified.

She's asked you politely to stop. So stop.

EVEN after you yourself suggested stopping, you can't help yourself going back for another go.

You're like a dog with a bone & every single person on this thread can see you for what you' are. Even those who probably had some sympathy with your position earlier.

You are a bully.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/12/2022 15:19

beachcitygirl · 15/12/2022 15:16

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet

Leave @Kanaloa alone now. She has said twice that I can see, let's agree to disagree.

You're becoming an online bully. Every time uou tag her she'll be notified.

She's asked you politely to stop. So stop.

EVEN after you yourself suggested stopping, you can't help yourself going back for another go.

You're like a dog with a bone & every single person on this thread can see you for what you' are. Even those who probably had some sympathy with your position earlier.

You are a bully.

Sorry miss, do I get detention?

On the contrary I don’t think either me or Kan are bullies at all. Ridiculous word to throw around bawd on one (fairly mild) thread

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/12/2022 15:19

And she didn’t ask me to stop. We eventually agreed to disagree. HTH.

purser25 · 15/12/2022 15:26

What I find appalling is how people don’t say thank you. A dish is put down the people just carry on talking. I have been on buses and the driver will wait for someone at the bus stop they don’t say thank you just glare or grunt at the driver. Someone told me in some cultures thank you isn’t part of their culture. But I don’t know if this is true. But the number of people on here who say they don’t feel the need to thank people for various gifts sad really.

CarPoor · 15/12/2022 15:54

SleepingStandingUp · 15/12/2022 15:03

So if the food is cold, there's a hair in your soup, I spill your martini over your sleeve, I call you dude throughout whilst loudly chewing gum, I walk off and you can hear me telling my colleague about the fat one and the old one on table 3 (you and your partner) I STILL get my full tip, the food gets eaten or left but not returned and you'll just show your upset by NEVER COMING IN AGAIN as if I'd care? That's so passive and ridiculous

I very rarely don't tip but there have been odd occasions. And I want to do my best for my tip to go to the actual server, a service charge is probably just going back to the restaurant. I don't want to pay it and I hate how more and more places are integrating it into their bills. It's sneaky.

At least if I give actual cash it's got a chance of going to the waiting staff. I know lots of restaurants share out tips but a service charge is the same as a tip

If the service was genuinely shit then no I'm not tipping. Why should customers just have to roll over and suck it up. Obviously I won't be shouting or throwing plates around, but I will complain. No one can ever improve if we just suck up poor service. If I performed poorly at work I'd expect to be pulled up on it, and the same in a customer facing roll. And actually it can be good to learn how to deal with these situations early

CarPoor · 15/12/2022 15:55

A service charge is not the same as a tip sorry

Oneeyedreindeer · 15/12/2022 15:57

Yes but also the lady at our local bookstore is so fucking rude. It’s awful. I honestly wonder how she can be so rude and unpleasant to customers!!!! It’s a 2 way street!

Brrrrrrrrrrrr · 15/12/2022 15:59

Agreed OP, it says an awful lot about someone’s character. Reciprocating such attitude and poor behaviour is equally as trashy too.

I just hope anyone who does this realises the person on the receiving end just thinks you’re an enormous cunt even though they may be smiling back at you. 🤗

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 15/12/2022 16:36

I just hope anyone who does this realises the person on the receiving end just thinks you’re an enormous cunt even though they may be smiling back at you. 🤗

I really can’t imagine these people care and it wouldn’t make a difference to them either way

NumberTheory · 15/12/2022 17:28

Kanaloa · 15/12/2022 14:42

And you think saying ‘oh I didn’t realise it was packs may vary, please could I refund or swap it, thanks for your help’ is a ‘sniveling apology?’

I wouldn’t call that a sniveling apology, but in the circumstances it’s bit disingenuous. When I was working in a shop I’d have wanted to know if something was advertised in a misleading way. It would make it easier, knowing that customers might come in with particular expectations, and I could then nip it in the bud and make everyone’s day (including mine) easier.

iklboo · 15/12/2022 17:33

I really can’t imagine these people care and it wouldn’t make a difference to them either way

They're the first on social media bleating if a shop worker didn't bow, scrape & tug their forelock at them though.

I've dumped someone in the past because of the way he spoke to a waitress & didn't think he'd done anything wrong when I pulled him up on it.

Maverickess · 15/12/2022 18:39

I think half the battle is that we've told service staff for a long time how shit they are, how they should be doing better, how they're not worth much because they are in customer service, how it's a dead end job that will never go anywhere.

There's no respect for the roles even when done well, a lot of the time not even common courteously for a fellow human being. That what they do isn't important, that there's very little value attached to it.

But obviously it's important because of the absolute outrage when people don't get the service they feel they deserve - which in turn, when on the recieving end of that outrage, puts people off working in the sector all together. The mental health toll of being treated like that every day is dismissed as people needing a thicker skin.
And the reactions by some when something doesn't go the way they want it is massively over the top. Is it really a life altering, earth shattering event if your meal takes 10 minutes longer than the time frame you thought up in your head as reasonable, to arrive?

And everyone has different expectations, but more and more the staff delivering are expected to guess those expectations and admonished and told its poor service when they don't get it 100% right all the time based on a few seconds interaction with someone they've never met before.
In the example @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet gave, they have an issue with being called 'Madam', logically thinking, how is the person serving supposed to know that? It's an accepted and respectful term to address someone who you have a few moments contact with where you don't expect introductions, and to me perfectly acceptable, I don't have an issue with being called it, although I respect that someone else might and that Lydia does and has every right to make that choice for herself, but why is the guy serving in the wrong for not guessing that in the few moments interaction with her? How can that be poor customer service? If asked not to and continued then yes, maybe, but to take such issue with it seems to me to do so just for the sake of something to complain about or 'add' to the actual issues being experienced.

Service is suffering in many places because there's not enough people to provide it and companies are making it worse, not better by promising the moon on a stick to customers but not providing the resources to meet that promise. Customers in turn take that out on the staff in front of them, especially those who have decided that 'The customer is always right' actually means 'The staff are always wrong' - no matter what has happened.

I don't know what the answer is, but at the moment from what I can see neither many customers nor those serving them are happy with how things are, maybe adjustments in expectations, treatment and attitude are needed on both sides to make things work.

SinnerBoy · 15/12/2022 18:41

CarPoor · Today 15:54

At least if I give actual cash it's got a chance of going to the waiting staff. I know lots of restaurants share out tips but a service charge is the same as a tip.

It's very often used to subsidise the wages, rather than be given on top. I always leave cash, if tipping.

Some have a gratuity option on the card payment machine and I always ask if they get it, before adding something on.

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