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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why can't we chastise other people's children anymore?

202 replies

Puffalicious · 25/09/2022 20:53

Was a softplay today with DS3 (10). We've not been in forever, but he randomly asked to go, so we headed there. It's huge with lots of things for older DC (up to age 12).

He was very happily running up this space mountain (soft material with the odd grabber at the top to help you get to the top, you then go into a dark slide). Sometimes kids made it up, sometimes they slipped/ rolled down, it's part of the fun. He'd been up and down half a dozen times, loving it. The next minute he's being kicked at by an older girl (she looked much older but must have been a tall 12) in the FACE so that he can't reach the top (she is at the top, sitting in the area before you slide). I call up for DS to come down, but he holds on and reaches the top. I can see some chat going on (it's quite high), next thing a younger boy grabs his face, shoves him towards the slide and punches his back to push him down. DS comes off the slide crying. He rarely cries.

DS tells me that he told the older girl she shouldn't have kicked his face, it wasn't allowed. He then told her they weren't allowed to just sit there and stop.others from getting up. The younger boy was her friend and decided DS couldn't tell them what to do and he would get DS out of the way!

I was not amused. They both stated at the top as they could see me waiting to speak to them. I alerted a passing member of staff, who then requested they come down. When she spoke to the older girl she denied everything (of course). I moved over to say ' I saw you, you're not being truthful. You can't kick people. We need to speak to an adult about this". She objected loudly.

At this point 2 other mothers stepped in, one said to the girl 'Don't let her speak to you like that. Go and see your parent. She doesn't have the right to speak to you as you're a child". The other added that it was 'Her word against yours '. I'm the adult, I saw it! I told her this and she added 'You should have been supervising'. I added that I was, that's how I'd seen every minute of
it. Her friend added that if I had spoken directly to her children she'd be livid.

The staff member had found the mum and beckoned me over. The girl continued to lie and it went nowhere- the mum preferring ti believe her. The mum of the younger boy also believing her son he'd done nothing, despite me seeing it all with my own eyes. Her advice was that DS has no right to 'police' her child's behaviour and shouldn't tell others the rules. DS in not NT and is very keen on following rules. It's not unreasonable I don't think for him to say that others shouldn't hit him/ be where they shouldn't.

The member of staff merely said staff don't supervise, it's up to parents. I asked if people are ever asked to leave due to violence and was told 'Parents decide what action to take'.

We left soon after. At £12 I was really cheesed off.

WIBU to directly speak to the child?

OP posts:
Cherrysherbet · 25/09/2022 21:00

YANBU. I would have done the same. This is why some kids behave so badly. When they are pulled up on their behaviour their parents back them up. It’s very bad, lazy parenting.

Glad you stood up for your Son.

MarinoRoyale · 25/09/2022 21:04

You should have asked the member of staff to find the parent before telling off the child, it’s totally unacceptable for two adults to chastise a child when the child doesn’t know them, that could be so intimidating and I’d be furious if it happened to my child.

Puffalicious · 25/09/2022 21:04

Thank you, I was beginning to think with the other 2 parents chiming in I was the U one!

OP posts:
RoseslnTheHospital · 25/09/2022 21:05

I'd have done the same as you, you were well within reasonable behaviour, and in fact quite restrained!

I would write/email the management of the venue to discuss the poor way that this was handled by the member of staff and to express disappointment that safety is not taken seriously.

Puffalicious · 25/09/2022 21:05

MarinoRoyale · 25/09/2022 21:04

You should have asked the member of staff to find the parent before telling off the child, it’s totally unacceptable for two adults to chastise a child when the child doesn’t know them, that could be so intimidating and I’d be furious if it happened to my child.

Furious? Really?! When your child had booted another child in the face twice? Actually the staff member wasn't chastising at all.

OP posts:
yougotthelook · 25/09/2022 21:06

Puffalicious · 25/09/2022 21:04

Thank you, I was beginning to think with the other 2 parents chiming in I was the U one!

Bloody hell you were more restrained than I would have been!
Bloody shit parenting but you did well xx

Puffalicious · 25/09/2022 21:07

RoseslnTheHospital · 25/09/2022 21:05

I'd have done the same as you, you were well within reasonable behaviour, and in fact quite restrained!

I would write/email the management of the venue to discuss the poor way that this was handled by the member of staff and to express disappointment that safety is not taken seriously.

I've emailed asking to be sign-posted to their complaints procedure. Thank you- I thought I was pretty calm about it considering.

OP posts:
Berlioz23 · 25/09/2022 21:07

YANBU at all, you sound like a great parent. Just revel in the fact when their children get older and they’ve been parenting them like that all their life, it’ll come back to bite them on the bum, hard! You’ve got to feel sorry for kids who’ve been brought up like that.

Puffalicious · 25/09/2022 21:08

I'm with you there Berlioz23. I just couldn't believe the other 2 mums saying I should never speak to a child!

OP posts:
Benjispruce4 · 25/09/2022 21:09

YANBU I’d have done the same. I will speak to a child who is in the wrong any day of the week.I work in original so find it hard to switch that instinct off plus I think it’s healthy.

Benjispruce4 · 25/09/2022 21:09
  • in primary not original
ChutneyVirgin · 25/09/2022 21:09

Because people are fucking mentalist

underneaththeash · 25/09/2022 21:11

MarinoRoyale · 25/09/2022 21:04

You should have asked the member of staff to find the parent before telling off the child, it’s totally unacceptable for two adults to chastise a child when the child doesn’t know them, that could be so intimidating and I’d be furious if it happened to my child.

Says the shit parent who has badly behaved children!

MarinoRoyale · 25/09/2022 21:11

Puffalicious · 25/09/2022 21:05

Furious? Really?! When your child had booted another child in the face twice? Actually the staff member wasn't chastising at all.

I didn’t at any point defend the other child’s behaviour, you asked if you were unreasonable to speak directly to the child and I answered yes, you were. If it was just the member of staff speaking to the child, then fine, that’s their job. If another adult who isn’t an employee and isn’t known to my child wants to tell them off, I’d expect to be there.

HouseInChaos · 25/09/2022 21:11

OP I'm with you. I'm fully of the opinion "it takes a village to raise a child" and hope that all adults help teach children to behave well. I find it so sad that so many parents feel that no one else should tell their child what to do/not do. I envisage them being the kind of parents constantly complaining to the teachers as well that their poor darling isn't being given special treatment for some artificial reason.

Puffalicious · 25/09/2022 21:11

ChutneyVirgin · 25/09/2022 21:09

Because people are fucking mentalist

🤣I'm beginning to think so. It's like 'Not my precious child' I'm the first to apologise if my DC is in the wrong.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 25/09/2022 21:11

I’d have done the same and actually have done when similar happened to my child

i wouldn’t take it further by complaining to the centre though

TwitTw00 · 25/09/2022 21:11

Benjispruce4 · 25/09/2022 21:09

YANBU I’d have done the same. I will speak to a child who is in the wrong any day of the week.I work in original so find it hard to switch that instinct off plus I think it’s healthy.

Same here, I quite often tell off children in parks and soft plays. Never had a problem with a parent yet but sure it will come...

DappledThings · 25/09/2022 21:14

MarinoRoyale · 25/09/2022 21:04

You should have asked the member of staff to find the parent before telling off the child, it’s totally unacceptable for two adults to chastise a child when the child doesn’t know them, that could be so intimidating and I’d be furious if it happened to my child.

If my child had been kicking someone in the face I would absolutely expect them to be told off by any adult who had witnessed it. I would have done the same as OP.

I've told random children in playgrounds to stop climbing up the slide and others to stop chasing pigeons so they fly right into cafe tables.

MarinoRoyale · 25/09/2022 21:14

underneaththeash · 25/09/2022 21:11

Says the shit parent who has badly behaved children!

Yep, you’ve found me out, I’m a shit parent, how insightful of you to figure that out based on one post on mumsnet when I’ve managed to go under the radar of social services for umpteen years 🙄

Cherrysherbet · 25/09/2022 21:15

If another adult who isn’t an employee and isn’t known to my child wants to tell them off, I’d expect to be there.

Tough. If these kids were violent towards my child and lied about it, I would tell them off without hesitation.

Puffalicious · 25/09/2022 21:16

MarinoRoyale · 25/09/2022 21:11

I didn’t at any point defend the other child’s behaviour, you asked if you were unreasonable to speak directly to the child and I answered yes, you were. If it was just the member of staff speaking to the child, then fine, that’s their job. If another adult who isn’t an employee and isn’t known to my child wants to tell them off, I’d expect to be there.

Fair enough. That's your point of view and I'll take it on board. You obviously feel the same as the other 2.

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 25/09/2022 21:16

You witnessed it! So not even a “he said she said” scenario! Terrible parenting you were totally in the right

inheritanceshiteagain · 25/09/2022 21:17

This reply has been deleted

This post has been removed as it's not in the spirit of the site.

MrsLJ2014 · 25/09/2022 21:18

Yeah, I would definitely have done the same OP.

As a primary school teacher I find it very hard not to tell children off if they are not following the rules and would certainly have had words with someone who had used violence.

Unfortunately, I'm used to parents taking their child's side. Apparently I was wrong to ask a child to brush up pencil sharpenings that the child had knocked over. I was also wrong to tell a child off for yawning (it was not a yawn, it was a loud, exaggerated moan and stretch whilst I was talking!)

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