Why can't we chastise other people's children anymore?

[Puffalicious]

Was a softplay today with DS3 (10). We've not been in forever, but he randomly asked to go, so we headed there. It's huge with lots of things for older DC (up to age 12).

He was very happily running up this space mountain (soft material with the odd grabber at the top to help you get to the top, you then go into a dark slide). Sometimes kids made it up, sometimes they slipped/ rolled down, it's part of the fun. He'd been up and down half a dozen times, loving it. The next minute he's being kicked at by an older girl (she looked much older but must have been a tall 12) in the FACE so that he can't reach the top (she is at the top, sitting in the area before you slide). I call up for DS to come down, but he holds on and reaches the top. I can see some chat going on (it's quite high), next thing a younger boy grabs his face, shoves him towards the slide and punches his back to push him down. DS comes off the slide crying. He rarely cries.

DS tells me that he told the older girl she shouldn't have kicked his face, it wasn't allowed. He then told her they weren't allowed to just sit there and stop.others from getting up. The younger boy was her friend and decided DS couldn't tell them what to do and he would get DS out of the way!

I was not amused. They both stated at the top as they could see me waiting to speak to them. I alerted a passing member of staff, who then requested they come down. When she spoke to the older girl she denied everything (of course). I moved over to say ' I saw you, you're not being truthful. You can't kick people. We need to speak to an adult about this". She objected loudly.

At this point 2 other mothers stepped in, one said to the girl 'Don't let her speak to you like that. Go and see your parent. She doesn't have the right to speak to you as you're a child". The other added that it was 'Her word against yours '. I'm the adult, I saw it! I told her this and she added 'You should have been supervising'. I added that I was, that's how I'd seen every minute of
it. Her friend added that if I had spoken directly to her children she'd be livid.

The staff member had found the mum and beckoned me over. The girl continued to lie and it went nowhere- the mum preferring ti believe her. The mum of the younger boy also believing her son he'd done nothing, despite me seeing it all with my own eyes. Her advice was that DS has no right to 'police' her child's behaviour and shouldn't tell others the rules. DS in not NT and is very keen on following rules. It's not unreasonable I don't think for him to say that others shouldn't hit him/ be where they shouldn't.

The member of staff merely said staff don't supervise, it's up to parents. I asked if people are ever asked to leave due to violence and was told 'Parents decide what action to take'.

We left soon after. At £12 I was really cheesed off.

WIBU to directly speak to the child?

Yes KingCharles I'd like to know.

puddingandson I think it has been confusing. We stopped on the way home and he bought a little soft-toy he had his eye on the other day with his pocket money.

Just terrible parents isn’t it? I mean they’re accusing you OP, an adult if making up a lie. Why would you lie and say you saw their child kick your son if they didn’t ?

This is society now I’m afraid. Very little discipline for children. Shit parents who don’t challenge, punish their childrens bad behaviour.

My parents would have been mortified if it was me.

It’s no wonder teachers are leaving the profession in droves.

When I was a child in the 1960’s any adult could and would give you a row, my mum would have never been highly offended if a neighbour or any of my family told me off, think people thought it took a village to raise a child in those days.

Now it seems that no adult can tell any child off unless they are there own parents. And young people love saying you can’t talk to me like that!!

Ah mine is, he's like Mike Tyson after a line of cocaine some days 😂😂 he will engage in a fist fight with his own shadow on very bad days.

No word of a lie I once spent 3 hours driving to a theme park £40 on tickets to have to leave after 40minutes because DS was having a very bad day, and I genuinely knew nobody was going to enjoy this outing, not me, not DS or anyone else who had also paid £40+ for the day in the theme park 😳

I don't think DS stopped screaming about having to leave till at least halfway home.

Don't worry though, we want back again 2 weeks later and had a much better time. So I didn't deprive him of precious childhood moments 😂

Also you can reprimand someone’s child in a calm non aggressive way without inflaming the situation. Obviously the earlier example of another parent hitting a child is wrong.

That said my fiery red headed rather grand friend got a teen bully up against the wall in a mini supermarket and threatened him if he ever touched her son again he would be sorry. Not a recommended approach! But it worked brilliantly her son never had a problem again.

If I were the other parent I would have been furious- with my child not the op.

I have done similar and would do it again. Yanbu at all! If one of my DC kicked a child in the face and was told off by the other child's parent, I'd be apologetic and mortified. Not trying to turn it around on to the poor kid who's been booted in the face!

Yes Dave20 the fact I was accused of lying was the worst bit!

Nanalisa it was the same growing up in the 80s.

Absolutely this 👌

You've got to have humour with ND kids! Mike Tyson after a line of cocaine is very evocative 🤣. I hear you with the 'having a bad day' and rescheduling, just ours is usually DS not coping with being out of routine/ things not working out as he thought they would in his head. Solidarity.

Can’t believe anyone on here who witnessed their child getting kicked in the face would meekly do nothing and not reprimand the kicker! Now that would be weird.

@MarinoRoyale you could argue that maybe then you should be supervising your child better

What, more furious than you would be with your child for being a violent bully?!

Op never said she shouted at the child and clearly said they need to speak to an adult about this
So where are people getting you shouldn't shout froM and also alerting the parent , as thats what they did
To many people are entitled today and don't have rules for their kids and expect others to just put up with their kids behaviours
These kids then go to school and grow up through life saying you can't tell me what to do etc and have no respect
Learnt behaviour
I wouldn't be happy if someone was screaming and shouting at my child, but if they spoke to them as they were badly bahaved no issue and also I would of been over pretty quick anyway , when i see an adult talking to them
As I would be supervising and knowing where they were
If the OP child had walloped them back , guarantee said parents would be in uproar

YANBU. It sounds like you were perfectly reasonable with the other children, you wanted to involve their responsible adults, and they were old enough not to be intimidated by an unknown adult remonstrating with them. If they'd been younger, or you'd been shouty, it would be different, but your actions sound perfectly fine to me.

My DDs are adults now, but when they were that age I always found it helpful if other adults would let them know if they were out of line - it takes a whole village and all that. I would have a conversation with them afterwards to check they'd understood whatever the problem was and knew how to fix it.

Exactly this! A good parent would have been supervising her brat and would have had a front seat to brat child antics!

YANBU. This is why we have feral kids: slack parents hate being pulled up on their lack of discipline, it shows them up. And it will bite them on the bum later, but we all suffer, including the kids themselves.

I'd be unhappy that you spoke to my child. I also wouldn't believe you just because you are the adult. I would talk to my child (would also depend if they had form for it) if my child denied it I would talk to them about being kind and warn them about sitting on top of the slide. Then I would watch them like a hawk.

Really not appropriate to lose your shit at a little kid, even if they hit or kick your child. Let them know that you've seen them, remind them that we don't hurt others and ask them to apologise. Then tell their parents/the teacher if the behaviour continues and take steps to safeguard your child. Kids often have poor boundaries and impulse control, they do these things and need to be corrected. But there's no excuse for adults screaming in children's faces. That teaches them that intimidation is ok.

Actually if my DC ever booted someone in the face you have full permission to tell them off. They know right from wrong and that's bloody wrong on so many levels.

Probably won’t be a very popular view on here, but while there are situations that warrant adults stepping in, and the example in the OP is probably one, all these gleeful claims of ‘telling off so many kids’ and harking back to the 1960s (when corporal punishment was the norm) is a bit uncomfortable.

The village thing is misunderstood so much on here. It just means looking out for children, not being officious and pompous to any child that breathes out of line in your presence

And in a few years they're going to be wondering why they have vile teenagers that talk to the like shit, get into fights and don't go to school.

I think what I'd have done, which is what I do actually, is shout from where I am, "don't push/kick him, you'll hurt him." And should for DS "come here a minute. You're going to get hurt, wait for that girl that's kicking you to leave." Then I'd go find a parent or a member of staff to get her down. I wouldn't have gotten into an argument with a 12yo or her mum, there's no point. Some kids have shit parents. If a kids a hitter and there's no parent watching then they're not going to be helpful. They know their kid is prone to it, they don't care.

I hope the little shit was intimidated by being told off. Maybe they’ll think twice next time about being so nasty.

how are you supposed to find the parents when they’re being so lazy they’re not supervising?

at my health club we have kids roaming round the members lounge being noisy and annoying. They Chuck the cushions about, hide in the storage boxes (breaking them), etc. the parents will be one of the many tables of adults in their but you have no idea which as they’re not interacting with the kids at all and they must be aware of their behaviour. Adult Dd works there and says the kids are the bane of her life. She tidied up the kids area the other day and she heard them whispering round the corner as they were watching her that she’d finished tidying and then they ran back in and chucked everything all over the place again just to make her tidy it up again. She’s working as a barista/waitress……the parents will soon complain if service isn’t quick enough. Plus the kids locked her out on the patio, they were holding the door from the inside so she couldn’t get in. She eventually tugs the door open and told the kids not to touch the door and one of the mums came over and told Dd not to tell her kids off. 🤷‍♀️ Never reprimanded her kids for trying to keep Dd out the building!

So what would you do if he was blocking other children from using the equipment and kicking them in the face/punching on the back?

I'd happily let parents tel my kids off if they are misbehaving.

In fact I would want them to if I wasn't there.

Kids need to know what's acceptable behaviour, a telling off from a stranger would be far more affective to my kids than me.

Hopefully my kids would get a fright and not do said bad behaviour again.

I would also happily tell strange kids off.

In that case her mother should have been more closely supporting her around the soft play to ensure she did not kick 3 year olds in the head.