Why can't we chastise other people's children anymore?

[Puffalicious]

Was a softplay today with DS3 (10). We've not been in forever, but he randomly asked to go, so we headed there. It's huge with lots of things for older DC (up to age 12).

He was very happily running up this space mountain (soft material with the odd grabber at the top to help you get to the top, you then go into a dark slide). Sometimes kids made it up, sometimes they slipped/ rolled down, it's part of the fun. He'd been up and down half a dozen times, loving it. The next minute he's being kicked at by an older girl (she looked much older but must have been a tall 12) in the FACE so that he can't reach the top (she is at the top, sitting in the area before you slide). I call up for DS to come down, but he holds on and reaches the top. I can see some chat going on (it's quite high), next thing a younger boy grabs his face, shoves him towards the slide and punches his back to push him down. DS comes off the slide crying. He rarely cries.

DS tells me that he told the older girl she shouldn't have kicked his face, it wasn't allowed. He then told her they weren't allowed to just sit there and stop.others from getting up. The younger boy was her friend and decided DS couldn't tell them what to do and he would get DS out of the way!

I was not amused. They both stated at the top as they could see me waiting to speak to them. I alerted a passing member of staff, who then requested they come down. When she spoke to the older girl she denied everything (of course). I moved over to say ' I saw you, you're not being truthful. You can't kick people. We need to speak to an adult about this". She objected loudly.

At this point 2 other mothers stepped in, one said to the girl 'Don't let her speak to you like that. Go and see your parent. She doesn't have the right to speak to you as you're a child". The other added that it was 'Her word against yours '. I'm the adult, I saw it! I told her this and she added 'You should have been supervising'. I added that I was, that's how I'd seen every minute of
it. Her friend added that if I had spoken directly to her children she'd be livid.

The staff member had found the mum and beckoned me over. The girl continued to lie and it went nowhere- the mum preferring ti believe her. The mum of the younger boy also believing her son he'd done nothing, despite me seeing it all with my own eyes. Her advice was that DS has no right to 'police' her child's behaviour and shouldn't tell others the rules. DS in not NT and is very keen on following rules. It's not unreasonable I don't think for him to say that others shouldn't hit him/ be where they shouldn't.

The member of staff merely said staff don't supervise, it's up to parents. I asked if people are ever asked to leave due to violence and was told 'Parents decide what action to take'.

We left soon after. At £12 I was really cheesed off.

WIBU to directly speak to the child?

That explains your reaction. I'm sorry that happened to your little boy.

You were totally within your rights to say something. In my many experiences, the parents who have an issue with you taking to their children about unacceptable behaviour, are the ones who aren’t paying attention.

Both those children could do with a good dose of intimidation by the sound of it.

Hopefully some of it landed OP.

If my kid is being hurt i'd find it very difficult to not speak up straight away to the child/ten involved. Especially when the kids are older.

Saying that, I also get the comments about feeling uncomfortable if they are telling off my kid. We all misjudge a situation sometimes and I wouldn't trust every adult to be objective and unbiased at all times.

My son once (when 4yo) picked up a rubbish from the floor at school and walked towards the bin to discard it. The teacher was quick to tell him off in front of everybody wrongly assuming he wanted to spy on the kid in the toilet next to the bin. He cried when he was telling me what had happened. And that was only a couple of days of starting school.

Ah see OP, there's a skill to this...

Embarrass the naughty child.

Next time, some kid is kicking your son in the face and you are supervising shout loudly, politely and clearly "oh you girl in the purple top, please don't kick my son in the face"

Everyone will then look at naughty child, naughty child generally burst into tears about being called out on their behaviour and is embarrassed.

Win win.

Be clam and polite when calling it out though, so nobody can say you were "unreasonable" you were just asking nicely but loudly 🙂

Unfortunately soft play often tends to have a lot of parents who are there for peace and not to supervise their kid, and therefore their kids run riot.

I recently said to a boy of about 8 (in a soft play) to go easy on a little girl he was 'playing with'...by dragging her about by one arm, then jumping on her stomach and kicking her head. He didn't say anything back but the parents came up to me about 30mins later and said how dare I speak to their son. I explained what I said and why, they weren't interested in the slightest.

Again, you weren't there. I made no fuss- I stated the girl wasn't being truthful, I had seen it and we'd need to speak to an adult. The GIRL loudly denied everything, going on and on. I reiterated I'd need to speak to an adult- the staff me.ber then beckoned me over.

For those asking about what I expect from the centre, a clarification of what their policy is on violence. The staff member said they don't ask people to leave, I would wish to know why not if there's such violence.

OP YANBU. I tell kids off firmly but politely - sitting at the top of the slide being a little shit is a common one. If they don’t act I threaten to tell their parents / the centre staff. Never had a kid not move at that point but then I’ve never had to speak to a 12 y/o.

Some parents are just vile ‘my kids can do no wrong, how facking dare you’ types. As pp have said, they will reap what they sow.

Ignore Zuyi and Doona. Dunno why some posters feel the need to make up the facts to suit their particular line of argument.

Unbelievable!

Why do people always throw this out like oh okay I’ll be kicked in the face then no worries!

93% IANBU. Thanks all. I spoke to DS about how violence never solves anything. I felt that he saw that these kids just denied it then went back to play- a bad message for a child emotionally and socially quite young. He kept asking on the way home why they hadn't been given into trouble. He's very literal, so i hope he now doesn't think that he can hit, deny it and all is okay!

The other parents were idiots. Who goes to a soft play and thinks, you know what... today I'm going to make up a lie that a child did something to my DC, then tell the child off for it, then also go find their parent and tell them too? No one of course! Why those other parents didn't just apologise to you and deal with their children privately is beyond me🤦

I'm a teacher and the things I get accused of making up are just a joke. Yes, Mrs X, I really wanted to call you today during my lunch break to make up a lie that your child swore at me and will be in isolation tomorrow. No, funnily enough I didn't deserve it and would like to get on with my job teaching the other 32 children in the class please. Right, so they won't be coming to school to do the isolation? Brilliant. And repeat with multiple different circumstances 🤦

OP you were far more restrained than me in this incident and I usually have buckets of patience. Well done for standing up for your DC.

You witnessed a violent attack. The perpetrator should have been asked to leave. Are the staff really saying they have no power to ask clients to leave, if their behaviour breaks their rules? Are they no rules - is that the issue?

'The soft play that welcomes violence towards your children'.

Not going to sell a lot of tickets, is it.

Personally I'm always grateful (if embarrassed) when other parents tell my children off for bad behaviour, not that they would ever have done something as bad as that. I liked them to know that rules of good behaviour are not just mine, they're everyone's and we've all got eyes on them. The flip side to this is that if other adults are willing to check the behaviour of children, this readiness to intervene, I would like to think, makes it more likely they would also help a strangers child rather than a 'not my business' opinion. In fact I think telling off a strangers child, is helping them, chastising is an important part of child rearing.

When my children were little I used to tell them the people in the supermarket managing the checkout queues wearing headsets were there to make sure all the children were being good. I said there headsets were so they could talk to Father Christmas 😁

You did right. A what is a kid who is practically a teenager in high school doing in the same place as toddlers.

Annoys me too, and I say this as a parent of a child who has significant ADHD.

If DS had hoofed some kid in the face, he'd be leaving softplay pretty sharpish. He'd understand why he was leaving, why it wasn't acceptable behaviour.

Because you know what one day he's going to be a adult, and he can't hoof his boss in the face one day because he feels like it 🤦🏻‍♀️

koalacape I sympathise- how frustrating.

Lottie 🤣No tickets from that line. I might use that if I get a reply about their policy.

I wouldn't care if a "parent" was furious with me for telling off their precious offspring. If I saw a little shit kicking my child I would be telling them to pick on someone their own size and how would they like it if someone bigger than them kicked them in their face, to put it mildly.

Some parents are just vile ‘my kids can do no wrong, how facking dare you’ types. As pp have said, they will reap what they sow

Unfortunately so will the rest of us.

I’ve told off so many children at soft play 😁

My experience is that asshat kids have asshat parents, and sometimes the parents get upset. Boohoo, I still tell off their asshat kids.

"Parents decide what action to take"? How pathetic. So what's the point of the staff then. I hate those soft play places, purely because of this sort of thing. Nasty kids getting away with bullying behaviour whilst the useless parent does sod all.

Why do people always throw this out like oh okay I’ll be kicked in the face then no worries!

I asked that because a)it's unusual to have a neurotypical 12 y/o girl in a soft play space and b) my eldest son who has adhd and asd was very poor with boundaries and personal space when he was younger. So my question came from a place of personal experience, not judgement.

Yes, I think this is the right approach.I'd also want to know how they risk assess for this type of situation as your child was assaulted.

Your poor dc. What an awful and confusing experience!

Captainbarbosa that's so great to hear. You're so right- we need to model behaviour for their adult lives. DS has adhd too, but he's not likely to lash out.