Why can't we chastise other people's children anymore?

[Puffalicious]

Was a softplay today with DS3 (10). We've not been in forever, but he randomly asked to go, so we headed there. It's huge with lots of things for older DC (up to age 12).

He was very happily running up this space mountain (soft material with the odd grabber at the top to help you get to the top, you then go into a dark slide). Sometimes kids made it up, sometimes they slipped/ rolled down, it's part of the fun. He'd been up and down half a dozen times, loving it. The next minute he's being kicked at by an older girl (she looked much older but must have been a tall 12) in the FACE so that he can't reach the top (she is at the top, sitting in the area before you slide). I call up for DS to come down, but he holds on and reaches the top. I can see some chat going on (it's quite high), next thing a younger boy grabs his face, shoves him towards the slide and punches his back to push him down. DS comes off the slide crying. He rarely cries.

DS tells me that he told the older girl she shouldn't have kicked his face, it wasn't allowed. He then told her they weren't allowed to just sit there and stop.others from getting up. The younger boy was her friend and decided DS couldn't tell them what to do and he would get DS out of the way!

I was not amused. They both stated at the top as they could see me waiting to speak to them. I alerted a passing member of staff, who then requested they come down. When she spoke to the older girl she denied everything (of course). I moved over to say ' I saw you, you're not being truthful. You can't kick people. We need to speak to an adult about this". She objected loudly.

At this point 2 other mothers stepped in, one said to the girl 'Don't let her speak to you like that. Go and see your parent. She doesn't have the right to speak to you as you're a child". The other added that it was 'Her word against yours '. I'm the adult, I saw it! I told her this and she added 'You should have been supervising'. I added that I was, that's how I'd seen every minute of
it. Her friend added that if I had spoken directly to her children she'd be livid.

The staff member had found the mum and beckoned me over. The girl continued to lie and it went nowhere- the mum preferring ti believe her. The mum of the younger boy also believing her son he'd done nothing, despite me seeing it all with my own eyes. Her advice was that DS has no right to 'police' her child's behaviour and shouldn't tell others the rules. DS in not NT and is very keen on following rules. It's not unreasonable I don't think for him to say that others shouldn't hit him/ be where they shouldn't.

The member of staff merely said staff don't supervise, it's up to parents. I asked if people are ever asked to leave due to violence and was told 'Parents decide what action to take'.

We left soon after. At £12 I was really cheesed off.

WIBU to directly speak to the child?

And neither have I, so also please don't write like I did.

Obviously this is to @CandyLeBonBon not @maddening !

I couldn't give a shit how you felt about it - truly.

If your 12 year old child acted like a thug, they're getting chastised by me 🤷‍♀️

I can't be arsed with snowflake parents.

Yanbu if other parents are aware their child might kick another child for any reason perhaps they could keep an eye on then. If you’re not keeping an eye on them, another parent is well within their rights to just say words that ask for their child to stop being hurt

I was in a park recently where my dd and her friend wanted to play. As they were in yr 4 I didn't want to embarrass them so I sat further away. I sat and watched a gang of about a dozen 11 or 12 year olds follow the two girls from one piece of equipment to another...I didn't want to interfere as I think children have to learn to stick up for themselves, but seeing them surround then run after the two girls several times, I walked over and asked a couple if they knew my dd and her friend? When they said no, I said well could you leave them alone...the amount of abuse mainly verbal but some physical I got for the next hour was unbelievable, in front of everyone in the park including some of their parents. I was repeatedly called a paedophile and asked constantly what I was looking at and attempts to barge me off the park bench and comments about my appearance etc. I was shocked at how awful these (mainly) girls could be. The only saving grace was at least they weren't focusing on my dd and her friend anymore.
They eventually thought I was filming them on my phone (wish I had) and backed off and a parent turned up and the kids ran over to her and told her a pack of lies but she didn't come over and I didn't want to escalate it on front of my dd and friend so eventually we left to a load of catcalls from these children Infront of this parent.

I happily tell other children off. I don’t give a
flying fig if the parents like it or not.

My DD is just 3 and very anxious at soft play so I’m still having to be with her on the equipment. If there are little shits behaving badly they get told (quietly and nicely) to behave or fuck off.

The ones we go to are small and only suitable for fairly small ones. That said, next week at work I’ll be telling drunk freshers to sort themselves out (I work in HE), so I’ll dish it out to anyone 😂

I'd totally chastise a child ifvI caught them doing that. I give no figs about their parents opinion of it either. I certainly don't mind other adults telling my son off.

@Blahdeblahaha

God, that’s horrible. Something’s so wrong with them.

I’m in the U.S. Something similar happened to me, though not as serious or disturbing as your situation. The Fall before Covid, I took DS2, 14 at the time, to a park a few towns over to meet up with a friend. After DS exited the car and found his friend and I was backing out of the parking space to go home, an older teen, a guy, maybe 16 or 17, walked up to my car. Suddenly I was surrounded by six or seven teens, both boys and girls, grabbing at my car. The kid who first approached looked like he was trying to do something to my tires. One of the girls jumped on the hood of my car. I leaned on the horn, long and loud; the girl scream-laughed, “Oh my God” and slid of the hood. I started to move slowly backwards, still leaning on the horn, and the kids scattered. Except the ringleader, the one who first approached and who I thought was trying to destroy my tires. He looked in at me with hatred; I’d never seen him before in my life.

All this in front of a park full of parents and children, who stared at me and my car like I was the troublemaker. As I drove off I worried that the kids saw DS leaving my car and would target him and his friend.

When I picked DS up a few hours later, he asked what that was about earlier and I just said some idiots surrounded my car as I tried to back out. He said, “Yeah, the kids around here are bratty and privileged.” Thankfully they didn’t give DS and his friend any trouble.

Psychopaths. Both of these situations are reminiscent of “A Clockwork Orange,” a band of kids going around causing trouble. These kids were late teens, so no parents around to see what their little darlings were doing.

No but what you are saying is that if this was your child then you would be furious that an adult (who isn't a member of staff) had spoken to them. That's what I understand from your post and I disagree with it. I think kicking another child in the face is bullying and an attitude like yours promotes that kind of behaviour because you are saying the violence isn't as bad as an adult (even if a random adult) telling a child not to be violent. Kids absolutely will act out more if they think that other adults are not watching or not getting involved no matter what.

I gave a boy a massive bollocking in a soft play recently for being a total thug to younger and smaller children. No idea where his responsible adult was but when my child and my child's friend both got kicked in the face (as well as others) for attempting to enter the ball pool which was apparently the thug's territory, if they couldn't be bothered to tell him off then I was certainly going to. It certainly put a stop to it.

Live by the sword die by the sword at soft play! If your kid is a horror diligent parents will deal with it. If you as their parent don’t like that well….too bad!

Haven't read through this whole thread but here's my thoughts... I think I would say something out loud in this situation to my child/towards the other children such as "oh darling I'm so sorry, those kids were so mean and nasty to you and that's really not ok you were treated like that" and maybe give the other kids/parents a bit of a look if all within earshot. I am quite a passive aggressive person when I need to be!

If my child was physically hurt and the other parents hadn't even seen I would maybe inform them if I could find the courage and felt angry enough. But I wouldn't directly ask to talk to a 12 year old and proceed to tell them off in this day and age.

I understand completely what you mean about your child liking rules. My son is the same way and I've heard another child tell him "you're not the boss of me" before which I thought was quite funny and a good learning experience for him that he can't boss everyone around. If he was kicked in the face I would obviously feel differently though.

YANBU!

Unfortunately big soft plays are notorious for this sort of thing..lazy uninvolved parents letting their kids loose to run riot without them having to do anything about it.Also happens sometimes in bigger playgrounds....I had a little girl probably only aged 3 or 4 spitefully kick out at then 2yo DD in a park afew years back, just because she wanted to sit in the sandpit too. She was giving us a really mean pursed lip squinty eye look aswell! Clearly copying learnt behaviour.I'm not sure if she understood/spoke English, but when I told her gently but firmly not to kick DDs legs she didn't seem to understand, so I had to put my arm out to stop her.No parents watching or intervening, think they were sitting on a bench somewhere.

When I was a child I remember my grandma getting herself in hot water with some parents as she bopped a young boy on the bottom with her walking stick in a park for being rude! Not condoning such behaviour by any means, as that was definitely not appropriate (!) but don't think there is anything wrong with calmly but firmly telling another child not to hurt your own!

We are often quick to tell our own children off for hurting others but not visa versa, but that is unfair and doesn't teach them to have much self worth, body autonomy or confidence to stand up for their own rights really does it.... our kids need us to champion and protect them, so well done OP! I would have done the same.

If my child had been kicking someone in the face I would hope they're told off, I'd be appalled at their behaviour.

I can't stand this attitude that no one can tell off anyone's child anymore. It's leading to an increasing number of kids growing up with a complete lack of awareness of other people's rights or how to behave in shared spaces.
I have also had experience of children behaving badly and then lying to their parents when I told them off. It's awful behaviour.

I'm inclined to agree completely: it's a shared space.

Mama 23456I wouldn't directly ask to talk to a 12 year old and proceed to tell them off in this day and age

This is interesting. Is it because you know parents would be annoyed or you think it's not appropriate?

We are often quick to tell our own children off for hurting others but not visa versa, but that is unfair and doesn't teach them to have much self worth, body autonomy or confidence to stand up for their own rights really does it.... our kids need us to champion and protect them

I agree completely ilovechocolate

Soft play is awful. I follow my DC7 around as they have additional needs and can on occasion lash out if they become overwhelmed. DC is often frustrated and finds it unfair that other kids are overly physical yet no-one is there to tell them off whereas I step in to make sure my child does not behave like this. If it were not for additional needs I might be inclined to see it as a good opportunity for kids to work things put for themselves, but sadly my dc is the one that will eventually take things too far and be blamed when they weren't the instigator. Hence I follow them round

@maddening and @MichelleScarn - I guess we'll have to agree that sometimes tone can be misread sometimes. Both of you came a cross as quite hostile to my comment asking whether the girl was also ND. As the parent of an ND child who could sometimes be unpredictable I know from experience how other parents perceived him.

Hence the question.

@CandyLeBonBon not keen on going round and round on this and disrupting ops thread, I haven't been hostile or how you've misread the tone of my post. As you can see, I asked what you would advise to do if your child was kicking another in the face?

Honestly I think it's innapropriate but completely understand why you were so angry, especially as the girl was 12. I have a 6yr old and would find it quite odd if I looked up at soft play and saw an adult that didn't know us calling him over to tell him off.

I've done similar in a soft play when a younger child (6 maybe) spat at my kids and their friends. It was hard as I didnt see it, but 2 of my group were crying about it and they all said the same story. I just calmly said to the boy that other children has complained about spitting,

Oops and he wasnt to do it again or I'd go and find his mum.

Shouting at a child that isnt yours, threatening or punishing is not really someones place but it's fine to tell them to stop bad behaviour that's affecting your child.

that could be so intimidating and I’d be furious if it happened to my child

If your child was kicking other kids in the face repeatedly ,you should be mortified and ashamed, not furious.

I'd tell the kid to stop it and then I'd tell the parent to sort out their kid, and I wouldn't give a flying fuck if they were furious when they should be apologetic.

Ok @MichelleScarn - cool beans.