Why can't we chastise other people's children anymore?

[Puffalicious]

Was a softplay today with DS3 (10). We've not been in forever, but he randomly asked to go, so we headed there. It's huge with lots of things for older DC (up to age 12).

He was very happily running up this space mountain (soft material with the odd grabber at the top to help you get to the top, you then go into a dark slide). Sometimes kids made it up, sometimes they slipped/ rolled down, it's part of the fun. He'd been up and down half a dozen times, loving it. The next minute he's being kicked at by an older girl (she looked much older but must have been a tall 12) in the FACE so that he can't reach the top (she is at the top, sitting in the area before you slide). I call up for DS to come down, but he holds on and reaches the top. I can see some chat going on (it's quite high), next thing a younger boy grabs his face, shoves him towards the slide and punches his back to push him down. DS comes off the slide crying. He rarely cries.

DS tells me that he told the older girl she shouldn't have kicked his face, it wasn't allowed. He then told her they weren't allowed to just sit there and stop.others from getting up. The younger boy was her friend and decided DS couldn't tell them what to do and he would get DS out of the way!

I was not amused. They both stated at the top as they could see me waiting to speak to them. I alerted a passing member of staff, who then requested they come down. When she spoke to the older girl she denied everything (of course). I moved over to say ' I saw you, you're not being truthful. You can't kick people. We need to speak to an adult about this". She objected loudly.

At this point 2 other mothers stepped in, one said to the girl 'Don't let her speak to you like that. Go and see your parent. She doesn't have the right to speak to you as you're a child". The other added that it was 'Her word against yours '. I'm the adult, I saw it! I told her this and she added 'You should have been supervising'. I added that I was, that's how I'd seen every minute of
it. Her friend added that if I had spoken directly to her children she'd be livid.

The staff member had found the mum and beckoned me over. The girl continued to lie and it went nowhere- the mum preferring ti believe her. The mum of the younger boy also believing her son he'd done nothing, despite me seeing it all with my own eyes. Her advice was that DS has no right to 'police' her child's behaviour and shouldn't tell others the rules. DS in not NT and is very keen on following rules. It's not unreasonable I don't think for him to say that others shouldn't hit him/ be where they shouldn't.

The member of staff merely said staff don't supervise, it's up to parents. I asked if people are ever asked to leave due to violence and was told 'Parents decide what action to take'.

We left soon after. At £12 I was really cheesed off.

WIBU to directly speak to the child?

Well... you can (and did) chastise other people's children. You can't demand that they accept your judgement though.

You did the right thing in my opinion. If my child hurt another without me seeing, I'd really hope anyone who witnessed it would pick them up on it!

No, it's reasonable. You can remind children of the rules, sure. But a whole scene, shouting at a child? Completely unacceptable, bullying behaviour. That's why two random mothers intervened.

I would have done the same and have told children off if they are being mean. I have no problem with other people telling my children off too.
With regards to the staff member though I don't think they are responsible for supervising children and they don't tend to get involved in incidents between parents so I'm not sure what you'd complain about.

This is why when ds was so little and older dc were in I just went round with him. Some kids can be total arseholes, they didn't try it on when I was right there though so it avoided getting to that point.

Yanbu by the way, if these parents have raised badly behaved dc and also don't supervise then their kids will get told off when they kick 3yos in the head and bully them.

I never think twice about telling off kids in public, I think as a teacher it just happens automatically without me thinking. In fact I think there are times I've even done it in front of their parents. My teacher voice must be very effective because no one's taken offence yet. I think it's fine as long as you are polite and fair.

The thing is, if you don't want your dc to be told off by other adults, you either need to ensure that they are always perfectly behaved at all times (not possible) or you need to hover over them so that you can supervise every move (not much fun).

If you're not supervising properly and your dc does something that they shouldn't do, then you have to accept that someone will pick you up on it.

Sorry, pick them up on it.

Something similar happened, several years ago while also in a soft play centre. Saw a girl push my daughter, quite a way away, up in the sky. I was at a table. I stood up, and shouted "name, if she pushes u again, u push her back!! And if her mother has a problem, I'm right here!" - the child (also older) stopped dead, EVERYONE knew not to mess with MY child and that I was watching, and no mother appeared to defend their brat. I'm naturally nonconfrontational and this was one of the finest moments of my life!! Even now, remembering it, I get a glow of pride. I agree to a point about not policing other people's children UNTIL my child (or anybody I suppose) is getting hurt. Then it's my business.

I don't have a problem with other adults giving my DC a talking to if their behaviour deserves it and I'm not around to do it myself, but there are a lot of parents who don't discipline their kids appropriately. I've seen children being dragged, sworn at, yelled at and parents screaming inches from the child's face. I've also seen parents inappropriately taking their child's side... so, for instance, being downright menacing to a child who has upset their child or confronting them aggressively in the playground despite there being blame on both sides. The problem with 'it takes a village' is that you have to be able to trust the village to behave appropriately. This isn't always the case.

OP if that was my child I would fully expect them to get a stern telling off .

So YANBU people are weird now.

Ive chastised plenty of badly behaved kids and would expect other adults to tell my kids off if they are being badly behaved.

I find myself constantly saying firmly "No, you'll need to wait your turn, thank you" and "pushing/kicking is not allowed. If I see you doing that again, I'll fetch a member of staff to take you back to the grown up you're here with." and "Put your rubbish in the bin. Now please." CONSTANTLY.

Yes, plenty of parents give me the stink eye. I do not give a flying fuck. If their kids were behaving properly it would not need to be said. I do think entitled behaviour is on the increase.

It's not right to shout, of course.

But it's perfectly acceptable to tell a child firmly that their behaviour is out of order.

Nope. At 12 she kicked another person in the face for no reason. A ‘that wasn’t very nice was it dear?’ was never going to cut the mustard was it? Little brat needed a shock.

I do so and will continue to do so. I am very careful never to shout…I’ve never had any pushback. Some slightly miffed looking parents once when I told their DD that there was a queue that she had to join rather than just push to the front. I will, very calmly, point out that I could call the police if necessary if a child over 10 was violent.

I’m more than happy to tell other people’s children off! You were quite restrained. I’d have probably climbed up there myself to do the chastising 🤣

If my 12 year old was acting like this I would have thanked the parents that chastised her. Good if she felt intimidated should be acting like that to a younger child.

She picked her up on it, spoke to the staff, the staff called the children down, spoke to them. That's enough, but the OP was still going, humiliating the child loudly. Her mother wasn't there. It's not okay at all to do that.

I’d say a lot of the stink eye is due to embarrassment that a stranger has had to put manners on their child right in front of them tbh.

If I saw one of my DC push or deliberately hurt another child I would go BANANAS- a sharp scolding and immediately leaving to go home. I don’t understand why any other parent would not only be unabashed at their kid’s poor behaviour, but also back up their apparent right to be a sociopath?

I’m sure they’ll all grow up to be charming and considerate adults.

Personally I’d have absolutely no problem intimidating a child who kicked mine in the face!!!

I’m not usually one for OTT punishments, but I’d say deliberately kicking a younger child in the head, at height, is just cause for feeling slightly embarrassed.

The child in question could have easily avoided this by, you know, not kicking another child in the head.

I saw a kid in a shop the other day surreptitiously pulling petals off the bouquets of flowers on sale.

I let the kid know that I had seen them and it absolutely was not OK.

Otherwise, by not saying anything, as adults we are effectively telling kids that their behaviour is acceptable.

You were dead right to speak up OP!!!

id have done the same. You didn’t grab her by the hair and start swinging her around, you simply told her off. As any adult should do when they see a child being a little (violent) shit bag.

The kids were nasty little arseholes who had no issue bare face lying to an adult who had literally witnessed what they had done. A direct result of shite parenting.

The irony is I bet those kids get a good hollering when they’re being little arseholes at home.

I would have told her off as soon as I saw it. I would have shouted no kicking. She had no business kicking your child. I'm very mild mannered but also would have no issue telling a parent to adequately supervise their child so they don't kick people in the face if the don't want other people talking to them.

If the parents aren't keeping an eye on their child, it's more than reasonable to step up. I remember something similar happening to DC when he was little - a kid in his class kicked him so hard in the back it left a matk. The kid thought he could intimidate him and that I would do nothing. I lost my shit at that kid and I still have no regrets. He turned out to be a proper psycho but after that he never touched my DC again. He knew I was on to him. Enough people stand up to it and there's nowhere for them to go.