Why can't we chastise other people's children anymore?

[Puffalicious]

Was a softplay today with DS3 (10). We've not been in forever, but he randomly asked to go, so we headed there. It's huge with lots of things for older DC (up to age 12).

He was very happily running up this space mountain (soft material with the odd grabber at the top to help you get to the top, you then go into a dark slide). Sometimes kids made it up, sometimes they slipped/ rolled down, it's part of the fun. He'd been up and down half a dozen times, loving it. The next minute he's being kicked at by an older girl (she looked much older but must have been a tall 12) in the FACE so that he can't reach the top (she is at the top, sitting in the area before you slide). I call up for DS to come down, but he holds on and reaches the top. I can see some chat going on (it's quite high), next thing a younger boy grabs his face, shoves him towards the slide and punches his back to push him down. DS comes off the slide crying. He rarely cries.

DS tells me that he told the older girl she shouldn't have kicked his face, it wasn't allowed. He then told her they weren't allowed to just sit there and stop.others from getting up. The younger boy was her friend and decided DS couldn't tell them what to do and he would get DS out of the way!

I was not amused. They both stated at the top as they could see me waiting to speak to them. I alerted a passing member of staff, who then requested they come down. When she spoke to the older girl she denied everything (of course). I moved over to say ' I saw you, you're not being truthful. You can't kick people. We need to speak to an adult about this". She objected loudly.

At this point 2 other mothers stepped in, one said to the girl 'Don't let her speak to you like that. Go and see your parent. She doesn't have the right to speak to you as you're a child". The other added that it was 'Her word against yours '. I'm the adult, I saw it! I told her this and she added 'You should have been supervising'. I added that I was, that's how I'd seen every minute of
it. Her friend added that if I had spoken directly to her children she'd be livid.

The staff member had found the mum and beckoned me over. The girl continued to lie and it went nowhere- the mum preferring ti believe her. The mum of the younger boy also believing her son he'd done nothing, despite me seeing it all with my own eyes. Her advice was that DS has no right to 'police' her child's behaviour and shouldn't tell others the rules. DS in not NT and is very keen on following rules. It's not unreasonable I don't think for him to say that others shouldn't hit him/ be where they shouldn't.

The member of staff merely said staff don't supervise, it's up to parents. I asked if people are ever asked to leave due to violence and was told 'Parents decide what action to take'.

We left soon after. At £12 I was really cheesed off.

WIBU to directly speak to the child?

My god I’d be furious at that.

My kids are younger but if they were being knobs outside of my line of sight at soft play, I’d absolutely expect another adult to chastise them, especially if they were deliberately hurting another child.

We had similar when we last took our pair- DH saw a young girl properly punch my 3 year old DS in the back- he scolded her and she ran off. MIL then saw her push DS off another piece of equipment when she thought DH wasn’t looking. MIL marched over, got down on her level and said “Don’t you DARE push another child like that.” and the girl ran off again. Parents no where to be seen.

Do soft play centres need to have safeguarding policies? I’m clueless, they might not, but I would have thought they’d need some kind of policy or method of recording incidents for insurance purposes in case of an accident.

Marino if your older child is in the habit of belting other children in the face you kind of need to accept that other adults WILL be speaking to them - whether you as the mummy likes it or not.

I probably should have clarified in my first response that I wasn’t saying you were wrong to raise the issue, just the manner in which it was done would have put my back up. I hope your DS is ok.

I've done the same before. Once, my daughter was waiting to come down a slide at soft play, and a girl said to her 'your turn fatty'. My daughter was shocked and upset. I stood at the bottom of the slide waiting for this girl to come down. She didn't know I had heard what she said, or who I was.

When she came down I said sternly 'don't you dare call my daughter that ever again!'. She looked terrified, but so she should.

Soft play isn't suitable for 10+ even the older bits.

I've only a baby and have come across similar at playgroups. People just set their children free to do what they want. I had another person's child sat on my baby and when I picked the other child off my baby all I got was daggers off the other mother. When did parents stop parenting?

YABU to generalise based on this one, extremely odd, situation. It's very peculiar that the staff member said those things, almost unbelievable.

My experience (which is anecdotal, but at least based on more than one event!) is that most parents are perfectly happy for you to tick off their child if the situation warrants it. I get the impression that this is actually a swing back from attitudes a decade or two ago, when it seems it was much more of a 'thing' not to tell of children who weren't yours.

I wouldn’t be cross if someone tried to chastise my child. I’d be labelled as a shit parent though as he would not respond to them, might even ignore them totally. He’s deaf... doesn’t wear his aids at soft play.
I do supervise him though.

I used to be a teacher and never had any problem telling other people’s kids off when I was out and about. One of the reasons children behave so badly nowadays is because they know they won’t get into trouble and their parents will be angrier with the adult telling them off than with them for their shit behaviour 🙄

When I was a child it was quite normal for other adults to verbally chastise children. As a child I respected adults and therefore I sought not to raise attention to myself by misbehaving, even out of the sight of my parents. It was the same in school. Of course at secondary school most children tried their luck, but certainly at primary school most children were well behaved.

At primary school both of my children were kicked and pushed around, had their lessons disrupted by others throwing chairs or jumping on tables. The teachers made excuses, in fairness to them they struggled daily and already some of these little darlings were so far out of control that the teachers needed danger money!

I have worked in schools, and I have also worked with LAC. It amazes me how many of my colleagues working with LAC have no idea that mainstream DC with no such significant trauma are bouncing off the walls uncontrollably.

I wouldn't really have trusted any other adult to chastise my children if I'm honest, not now, not when you see so much dysfunction and chaos and that these other little darlings are the product of dysfunctional homes where they are not taught to behave, not taught the right values of respect to others, and to treat other people kindly. You see, when adults themselves lack these values, these adults couldn't be trusted with a pet rat, much less my own children, but unfortunately they are left to dag up their own!

So in one sense, I agree with you. But its a shame its come to this, because years ago you could trust most adults to know how to behave, and have fairly sensible judgment.

Meh, I would absolutely tell off other people's kids if they were misbehaving and if there was no parent around that was willing or able to do it.

If my own dc was misbehaving, I would have no issue at all with other adults doing the same.

It's okay too speak to a child in a calm way, and just make a comment. Or talk to the staff and get them down. But it sounds like more than that, a big drama, and to me that's not okay at all. I'm surprised the OP has support on this.

As if 🤣

I take it you’re not assuming I’m the mother of the kicking child? 😂

This will be my last post on this thread as people seem to be deliberately misunderstanding what I put. I at no point have said the child shouldn’t have been spoken to, or defended their behaviour. I answered the OPs specific question of whether she was reasonable to speak directly to another child.

I don't think YABU. I tell other kids off all the time - but I'm a beaver leader so it sort of comes naturally

If your kids are physically assaulting others then you must expect them to be challenged by other adults. If you don't want that then supervise properly so they either don't to it or you catch them and deal with it.

Nope, this is how brats are made. Safe in the knowledge their parents will always be there to back them up.

How dare she kick another person in the face. YANBU OP and good for you.

I would have done the same. I am that mum in the playground who tells kids to wait their turn/pick up their rubbish/ask before playing with our sandpit toys. I would also be happy for other parents to tell off my kids, as I know my DS in particular needs to be kept in line

The one thing my now grown up DD remembers is me sticking up for her in situations like these. I have never had any qualms with telling other people’s children off if they’re misbehaving. It takes a village.
And maybe, just maybe, it’s not about shit parenting, maybe it’s just about kids being little shits when they think they can get away with it.

So why would you be offended if I told your kid not to be rude/not to hit/get off the road/not pull the dog by the tail? I would do the same to my child, not like I’m treating them differently.

Also they are far too old to be being violent. That’s not normal they are not little toddlers. . 10 is the age of criminal responsibility.

We had the same with two girls in my parents street

i grew up knowing if I was naughty,I’d get a bollocking from the neighbours and another at home

anyway,people die and others move into their houses so the street is 20% of people who I grew up knowing and 80% new people-who all rubbed together nicely

i had kids and they’d play outside with the neighbours kids-all was good,until a mother and her two girls moved in next door but two

this woman really believed her kids could do no wrong-ever-and those kids where little shits knowing their mother would back them up

theyd steal anything they could,lash out,go into peoples gardens and cause damage,they’d egg houses (they’d shoplift the eggs) and cars and more than once had their mother stood watching them do all this-while smirking at my and the other kids

if anyone tried to tell her that her kids where doing something wrong,they’d get yelled at while the girls stood there with their booty,smirking as they knew mummy would back them up all the time

the teachers at their school used to hide if they saw her coming-it was never her two or they where disadvantaged somehow

she really thought she was queen of the street-everyone hated her and all other kids stopped playing out and she was shunned by everyone living there-they where sick of their stuff getting damaged

anyway fast forward a few years and those two grew up

it bit her squarely on the arse-they where really evil behaved teens-out of control was an understatement-I believe they’ve both done time

i don’t believe in karma but in this case I do-you reap what you sow

I agree.

🙄. This is exactly why so many children are so poorly behaved.

Marino you are the one bustling about saying how “unacceptable” op is being - such an unreasonable stance and as you are saying this presumably this is how you parent? Your sympathy seems to be with the kicking child and their useless parents which is weird.

Why?

Why on earth would you otherwise post what you did. Some child is attacking yours and you’d stand by and not do anything about it??

you would have to be the parent of the badly behaved child….