Why can't we chastise other people's children anymore?

[Puffalicious]

Was a softplay today with DS3 (10). We've not been in forever, but he randomly asked to go, so we headed there. It's huge with lots of things for older DC (up to age 12).

He was very happily running up this space mountain (soft material with the odd grabber at the top to help you get to the top, you then go into a dark slide). Sometimes kids made it up, sometimes they slipped/ rolled down, it's part of the fun. He'd been up and down half a dozen times, loving it. The next minute he's being kicked at by an older girl (she looked much older but must have been a tall 12) in the FACE so that he can't reach the top (she is at the top, sitting in the area before you slide). I call up for DS to come down, but he holds on and reaches the top. I can see some chat going on (it's quite high), next thing a younger boy grabs his face, shoves him towards the slide and punches his back to push him down. DS comes off the slide crying. He rarely cries.

DS tells me that he told the older girl she shouldn't have kicked his face, it wasn't allowed. He then told her they weren't allowed to just sit there and stop.others from getting up. The younger boy was her friend and decided DS couldn't tell them what to do and he would get DS out of the way!

I was not amused. They both stated at the top as they could see me waiting to speak to them. I alerted a passing member of staff, who then requested they come down. When she spoke to the older girl she denied everything (of course). I moved over to say ' I saw you, you're not being truthful. You can't kick people. We need to speak to an adult about this". She objected loudly.

At this point 2 other mothers stepped in, one said to the girl 'Don't let her speak to you like that. Go and see your parent. She doesn't have the right to speak to you as you're a child". The other added that it was 'Her word against yours '. I'm the adult, I saw it! I told her this and she added 'You should have been supervising'. I added that I was, that's how I'd seen every minute of
it. Her friend added that if I had spoken directly to her children she'd be livid.

The staff member had found the mum and beckoned me over. The girl continued to lie and it went nowhere- the mum preferring ti believe her. The mum of the younger boy also believing her son he'd done nothing, despite me seeing it all with my own eyes. Her advice was that DS has no right to 'police' her child's behaviour and shouldn't tell others the rules. DS in not NT and is very keen on following rules. It's not unreasonable I don't think for him to say that others shouldn't hit him/ be where they shouldn't.

The member of staff merely said staff don't supervise, it's up to parents. I asked if people are ever asked to leave due to violence and was told 'Parents decide what action to take'.

We left soon after. At £12 I was really cheesed off.

WIBU to directly speak to the child?

@maddening and @MichelleScarn
I wasn't defending poor behaviour. I was simply asking whether the girl was also neurodivergent. I have been in situations where my son has hurt other kids - and I was supervising and watching but physically couldn't reach him in time to stop him, but another parent swore at him and then me.

Obviously I did and have made it clear it's unacceptable but occasionally shit happens.

Please don't make out that I somehow think being ND gives you a pass for physical aggression. It doesn't. I was just asking whether that might have been part of the overall picture.

You wouldn't believe an adult who had witnessed it? Why would I go to a softplay and randomly create a fantasy where i chose your child, out of the hundreds there, to be at the centre of? Seriously? You wouldn't believe an adult?

What is actually wrong with speaking to your child? Are they so precious I can't speak clearly and calmly to them about booting my child in his face?

So, you're a combination of both scenarios I encountered? 1) other mums who believed me but didn't think I should speak to a child 2) child's mum who had no issue with me speaking to her child but chose to believe her child?

You really are taking the biscuit. If I come across parents like you I think l'll just give up going to public places!

Today it's a local holiday and we're biking (no other parents around- thank God).

I haven't "made out" anything at all have I, please don't make out that I have.

If my kid booted someone in the face and I wasn't doing my job as a parent and supervising them, I would 100% encourage another adult or staff member to tell them off. I'd be bloody mortified. I'd obviously want to know about it, and there are obviously boundaries, but it doesn't sound like you crossed them in what you said.
This is just the way people are nowadays, their little darlings can do no wrong and tell no lies. I don't know how these parents are going to react when their kid is suddenly not a child anymore and still thinks hitting is OK, wonder if they'll have the same attitude with the police.

YANBU

I actually find this issue usually is a class identifier in my experience, the only people who get defensive of people telling their child off are such shit parents too.

I haven't read the full thread because of the bickering, just wanted to let you know, @Puffalicious what happened to my DD a few years ago. She'd have been probably about 12-14yrs at the time. She was punched in the mouth on the school bus home, & very upset, obviously. Her tooth was loose, so my first call was to our dentist for advice - her tooth DID thankfully settle back in - and my second was to the police.
They took it VERY seriously, & came to our house to talk to DD. They then went to speak to the other girl at her home. They asked me if I wanted to prosecute, or a caution. I said caution, as I didn't want the kid to have a criminal record at that age.
I spoke to other parents locally who's kids had been bullied by this girl - I was amazed, they didn't want to complain 'in case it made things worse'. Well this mamabear's claws had emerged!
A few years later, my DD was diagnosed with ASD, & she went to a more specialised school. Who should be there but the bully.. who was a much nicer girl, & she & DD actually became friends.

I think the caution had been a wake-up call & she'd turned her life around. Not saying just because of this incident, but I'm sure that was part of it.
You did absolutely right calling the other child out. Yes, I would have felt defensive if it was my child, that's what mums DO, but I would have listened to you & quizzed my child about it & my child would have been punished. That's what's supposed to happen in decent society. Hugs..hope your son is ok. x

YANBU

You were right to say something, and you can see why they think the bad behaviour is allowed if their parents always back them up.

When children are behaving badly at soft play or similar, I tend to tell them whilst they’re doing to, and then immediately ask to speak to their adult. “Who’s your adult, point them out to me”. Usually that gets them to stop, but if theirs are parents like this, I guess you don’t get very far!

But you didn't tell them off?

I'd have wiped the floor with them! (but then I'm a teacher by trade so have no qualms about putting kids in their place)

You were too nice. Next time, you need the 'look' and a low, quiet voice whilst you are dealing with them. Last time I told someone off at soft place, they left the place almost immediately without telling their mum why!

You are only BU for taking children that age to soft play in the first place. It's for 8 and under (even if it states older) Find a scooter/bmx/trampolining type place for older kids.

You need to speak to the member of staff then leave it with them to deal with rather than intervening yourself

I told a child off recently. Must have been 7/8, stamped on my 5 YO's back. I saw it, told him off, he tried to tell me he didn't so I gently told him I saw exactly what happened. Think the kid was suitably mortified at being called out for lying/hurting another child we didn't see him again. I would have said something even if it hadn't been my DS he did it to.

Definitely not BU

If a child misbehaves in front of me and there is no parent around (or stepping forward) then I will tell them off.

I told off a boy of around 12 for kicking some ducks at a lake as his father never said anything. The boy stopped doing it.
I was shaking afterwards though as I hate confrontation but I know I did the right thing.

I used to be terrified of being told off y other adults - small ish town and there was respect there. I remember my neighbour telling me off for something once and being quite upset then another time my mum telling me off for something that someone along the street saw she said little birds are watching. It did make me think and my behaviour wasn’t bad but I got away with a lot less than kids do today.

I don’t know what I’ve had done in your shoes op. I feel for your son. These 2 sound like a nasty pair of bullies with mothers that clearly believe every word they say. If an adult told me my kid did something unkind to another child I would believe them. However I do watch my kids at these places due to this and I’ve never known them be violent or mean to anyone. (I have 4 boys) older 2 big age gap so not taking 4 to soft play. The staff should have made sure the kids knew not to sit at the top and that they’d be watching

I’m sorry your son was hurt and upset like this and he and you were totally in the right. I can only assume the 2 other children who were involved know they can get away with this sort of behaviour and that is why they do it.

I totally get why their parents chose to believe their own children- no one wants to believe their children can be violent bullies. Got knows what other adults who weren’t involved were thinking sticking their oar in regarding a strangers child, especially a big one of about 12.

We took our 2 year old grandson to the local playground. He was standing under a large piece of equipment, minding his own business. Two older boys (somewhere between 6 and 8 years old) started kicking him in the face. I just said:

"You two - stop kicking his face!"

I didn't care what their parents thought; but the boys were far bigger than him; and he had done nothing to them. I suspect the parents were too busy talking to each other, to watch what their children were doing!

When people say 'it takes a village', this is what they mean. For some odd reason, though, some parents only want village involvement when it benefits them or lets them off their parenting duties.

YANBU. I've told off kids in the streets for kicking footballs off cars and windows, damaging property, and been told to fuck off by their feckless parents. Many kids are being dragged up these days.

YADNBU-

me and DH took 19month old DS to park and an older boy (4 or 5) sat at the top of the slide and tried to kick and push ds away. I physically intervened and said please stop, he’s little- he continued to do it and refused to move so I removed DS and my DH said to his mother ‘please could you do something about this, it’s not kind’ The mother then told my DH off!

i have absolutely no problem in telling another child off, if they are hurting my someone else and the parents are refusing to parent. You have to advocate for your children as they can’t themselves and ultimately I want my DS to know that mum and dad protect him.
I would have no problem if another adult corrected behaviour either, I don’t want him to grow up being an entitled brat. Entitled children make awful adults.

Mamabear715

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry your DD went through that, and glad it all ended well.

coastalwave

You are only BU for taking children that age to soft play in the first place. It's for 8 and under (even if it states older) Find a scooter/bmx/trampolining type place for older kids

He asked to go. We've not been in about 18 months actually. I've already said it's huge and there were lots and lots of kids 8-12 there. The trampolines/ football pitch/ death slide attracts the older ones. DS2 was disappointed at 12 when I said he was too old (and he's NT). We already frequent the Inflataworld/ trampolining/ biking parks all the time. DS is emotionally and socially much younger than 10, so I have every reason to go there.

You need to speak to the member of staff then leave it with them to deal with rather than intervening yourself

People often say this on softplay threads. But I'm not sure how it would really work in practical terms. If you're right there when another kid is hurting your kid, it's a lot simpler to immediately say "Hey - stop pushing please" than to go and find a staff member (which will probably involve queueing up in cafe area) and then taking them to find the offending kid, who is probably somewhere else by now, and getting them to tell them off for something they did 10-15 minutes ago. Also that feels like escalating it into a bigger thing than it needs to be.

I wouldn't yell at someone else's kid, or touch them (unless they were pinning my kid down or something), but I've had to firmly tell random kids to stop pushing / barging / hogging the top of the slide, loads of times in softplay.

Thanks everyone. It seems I am NBU and I shall continue to speak calmly, yet firmly, to other children if I feel it appropriate.

You were more restrained than me! if i witnessed my child being kicked in the face the little sod that did it would get a roasting. This is why so many kids have no boundaries. People are scared to tell them off (Teachers etc)

I very firmly told a little boy to stop harassing ducks at the park a few weeks ago. His mum didn’t take issue with me.

There are so many variables in these types of situations. I wouldn’t be happy about someone shouting at or speaking aggressively to my child as that isn’t how I discipline. I’d be fine with another adult challenging wrong behaviour, but I would also want to be informed as the parent.

I stopped using soft plays years ago to be honest, partly for this reason. Far too many completely unsupervised children acting out and bullying others whilst parents remain oblivious (and as you’ve pointed out, who prefer to believe that adults are making up fairy stories about their children). I think many parents see soft play visits as a break for themselves. I don’t think that’s appropriate and was always watchful. When mine were very small and I went in with them to help them climb etc, I occasionally had other people’s children approaching me for drinks, snacks, toileting help, whilst the parents sat nattering, using the phone, reading, drinking coffee…I had to direct them back to their own parents. Hate the places now.

@maddening - not sure what you wanted to say but your response was cut off when you quoted me - I think it's a glitch

I don't think it's the end of the world if two children who had hurt another child were made to feel intimidated.