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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 yr old dating a 22 yr old. AIBU to think this is comcerning?

215 replies

saffy56 · 25/09/2022 20:28

My son is concerned as his female friend who is 14 is dating a 22 yr old man. He has just showed me her tik tok video and it is quite concerning.

AIBU to report it to school or get him too? Or is it none of our business and she can date who she wants.

OP posts:
Loics · 26/09/2022 17:39

I don't see a problem with age gaps in general, however it's never okay when one person is underage - a 14 year old dating a 22 year old is not okay. I don't think it would be much better even if she was 16, in this case.

OriginalUsername2 · 26/09/2022 17:40

A sane man of that age should have no interest in a 14 year old. That’s a grooming situation. Absolutely report him.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 26/09/2022 17:54
Hmm
Ahsoka2001 · 26/09/2022 18:02

I'm a 21 year old man and I'd feel a bit strange dating even an 18 year old tbh, especially if they're still in sixth form. This is wrong OP and I think you should at least try to report/intervene 100%

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 26/09/2022 18:10

Sunnyjac · 26/09/2022 06:27

Rape:

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/part/1/crossheading/rape

Consent:

www.cps.gov.uk/sites/default/files/documents/publications/what_is_consent_v2.pdf

Key point is she doesn’t have capacity to consent so any sexual contact will make him liable for prosecution. Report it, what on earth does a 22 year old have in common with a 14 year old?

A 14 year old does have capacity to consent but the act of having sex with a consenting 14 year is still a separate crime.

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 26/09/2022 18:53

"Not a "thing", Pig Boy, but deffo a crime in very many parts of the world."

@wackamole sorry what? Pig boy? Confused

Tiani4 · 26/09/2022 19:14

saffy56 · 25/09/2022 22:20

I have reported it to the designated safeguarding lead who is also her tutor.

Tik tok video shows them snogging.

She leads her own life really with very little input from her mum. She is known to social services and lived with her gran whilst at primary school.

I think you did the right thing

Her school tutor can talk to her
It's unusual and a bit worrying for a 22 man to date a 14 year old under age child. Is all a bit groomy and she sounds vulnerable because of her family circs. You have keave it now and let professionals look into it.

Thank-you for being vigilant

SunscreenCentral · 26/09/2022 19:22

Poor kid 😔

WhereAreTheLostPens · 26/09/2022 19:28

Yes, I'd report it to school. It's not appropriate and it would be helpful for an adult to know about this so they can safeguard the girl.

I always still find it wierd that Sue and Noel Radford (now social.media stars with Britain's largest family) had their first baby when Sue was only 14 and Noel was 18. Odd that noone used to say anything in those days.

nomorerescuedogs · 26/09/2022 19:35

Please report this asap- it is a man old enough to be a teacher 'dating' a girl in Year 9 or 10. This is a safeguarding issue and you have to do the right thing to help protect her from being exploited. She may think it is love etc but it is a man taking advantage of a child.

Sunnyjac · 26/09/2022 20:28

@TheLassWiADelicateAir okay if we’re going to be picky she doesn’t have freedom to consent.

14 yr old dating a 22 yr old. AIBU to think this is comcerning?
TheLassWiADelicateAir · 26/09/2022 20:48

Then it would be rape. It is not automatically rape if the person is over 14 but under 16. There are 2 different crimes. What you have circled relates to rape.

Sunnyjac · 26/09/2022 20:54

Exactly. So whatever sexual contact he has with her will require him to commit an offence.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/09/2022 21:03

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 25/09/2022 20:41

I personally would keep my nose out of it.

Then you are part of the problem.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 26/09/2022 21:05

Sunnyjac · 26/09/2022 20:54

Exactly. So whatever sexual contact he has with her will require him to commit an offence.

I'm not sure what point you are making. I've never said sex with a 14 year old wasn't a crime.

Toddlerteaplease · 26/09/2022 21:13

If she's already known to Social care. She's already vulnerable. They will take this very seriously.

CandyLeBonBon · 26/09/2022 21:27

Because she was regardless of age having sex at 14 .

My best friend at school was like this. Having sex, often unprotected and not really what she wanted to do, but went along with it because she felt she had to, with a lad who was a lot older than her. She convinced herself she could handle it but she absolutely couldn't. She also went to her mum and went on the pill. It was me she talked to about his sexual coercion, the injuries he inflicted and how she was scared of saying no. She was also 13 when she was 'dating' and 14 when very sexually active. She absolutely swore me to secrecy so I never repeated what she told me. But I was horrified.

I lost my virginity to an absolute waste of space at just gone 16 and wished I hadn't.

Why are there so many women out there so keen to fast forward their child's journey into adult sexualisation?

I very much remember what it felt like to be 13/14/15/16. Sadly my intro to sex (prior to 16) was an abusive, familial one, which is not uncommon. There's a reason that overly sexualised behaviour at a young age is a red flag for abuse.

My friend 'looked' as if she could handle it too. She bloody couldn't though. She was just a good actor.

Tiani4 · 27/09/2022 01:27

It is Tuesday

OP last posted on Sunday that she had reported it to safeguarding lead at school
It will get looked into

Why are new posters failing to RTFT or at least OP's three posts all on Sunday?

Silliness really

Tiani4 · 27/09/2022 01:29

I only said silliness really as it was dealt with 60 hours ago

Silliness comment referred to those that havent RTFT!!!

Marvellousmadness · 27/09/2022 01:35

Why does everyone jump on "grooming"straigth away?a 14 year old might still be a child. But at the same time ... some 14 year olds know EXACTLY what they are doing

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/09/2022 01:57

Marvellousmadness · 27/09/2022 01:35

Why does everyone jump on "grooming"straigth away?a 14 year old might still be a child. But at the same time ... some 14 year olds know EXACTLY what they are doing

Just yuk.

No decent 22 yo wants to shag a 14 yo. Not one. Regardless of how grown up the 14 yo thinks she is.

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 27/09/2022 02:23

"Why does everyone jump on "grooming"straigth away?a 14 year old might still be a child. But at the same time ... some 14 year olds know EXACTLY what they are doing"

"Might"? You're gross @Marvellousmadness

CactusBlossom · 27/09/2022 02:31

VivienneDelacroix · 25/09/2022 20:35

Not statutory rape. Just rape. Let's not sugar it.
If they are sleeping together he is a rapist.

Show quote history

"Statutory rape" in the sense at 14 years old she cannot give consent. It wouldn't be appropriate!

This is rape, grooming and goodness knows what else. You need to report it, rather than your son. I'd be thinking police rather than the school.

HappyDays40 · 27/09/2022 03:14

Ring the police, he is a paedophile

Chloefairydust · 27/09/2022 03:42

What normal 22 year old man would want to be involved with a 14 year old girl. He’s a predator and she has probably been a victim of grooming. Please report this.