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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

14 yr old dating a 22 yr old. AIBU to think this is comcerning?

215 replies

saffy56 · 25/09/2022 20:28

My son is concerned as his female friend who is 14 is dating a 22 yr old man. He has just showed me her tik tok video and it is quite concerning.

AIBU to report it to school or get him too? Or is it none of our business and she can date who she wants.

OP posts:
stillvicarinatutu · 26/09/2022 03:21

All ficking common sense has long left the building.

This type of reaction could well be putting g this girl at more risk - it certainly would have in my case because the only person looking out for me was my future husband- social workers didn't bloody listen- my parents were monsters! The mn demographic is very much nice normal parents with nice normal families. Spare a thought eh for those that do t have that privilege ? This might not be what it appears. Someone needs to talk to these young people and not just jump to bloody conclusions about peadophilia (sp)

Mindmyown · 26/09/2022 03:23

stillvicarinatutu · 26/09/2022 03:02

IF - IF this had been me at 15 and the righteous indignation had meant he couldn't see me I can absolutely guarantee I'd have been in a shared house with prostitution and drug addicts because that was all I was offered. At 15 . My 21 year old future hubby was all that stood between me and living on the street and without him I know I wouldn't have been here now .

There is a lot of judgment - possibly rightly but also quite possibly wrong !

This is a speculative thread . No one has asked this girl what's going on . Maybe - just maybe before the Mumsnet jury roll in someone should actually ask this girl what's happening. That's my point .

OK well in all honesty, given your experience, would you allow your own 14 year old daughter to date a 22 year old?

Are you suggesting this 14 year old should be allowed to "date" a 22 year old simply because the alternative might be worse than being taken advantage of by an adult? Wouldn't it be more likely that your dh is the exception and not the rule in terms of 22 year old intentions? ... how many 22 year old lads have you met, beside your husband are ready to settled down.. especially as I've already said, social media and dating sites have made it so much easier to have access to plenty of options. Most 20 something year old 's I know are all about having fun/enjoying life where they can ... I'm in early 30s and can say this is still very true of some 30 year olds too ...

ChellyT · 26/09/2022 03:39

Aretheyhavingalaugh · 25/09/2022 20:29

Well she's underage isn't she but I guess it's her business what she does

Are you fucking right in the head or just ok with predators!

stillvicarinatutu · 26/09/2022 03:50

I have a 25 year old who was dating at 13 .

I took a common sense approach.
Because she was regardless of age having sex at 14 . So she went in the pill and was thankfully able to come to me . My point is my dd was having sex with a same age boyfriend well before I even contemplated sex with my much older boyfriend.

She has had 2 long term relationships now at 25 and one of those was her first boyfriend who was only a year older than her .

It's as if people actually forget what they were like at 15 on here .

Did you all wait until the wedding day to lose your virginity? Or did some of you have sex before .....? Did some of you even have sex before you were (shock horror ). 16 ?

I am not saying this may not be a safeguarding issue - but I saying ffs TALK to the girl involved and actually find out what's going on before getting the lynch mob out .

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 26/09/2022 03:50

If a 22yr old woman was "dating" your 14yr old DS OP would you report it then?

stillvicarinatutu · 26/09/2022 03:56

It's far less likely a 14 year old boy would "date " a 22 year old woman .

Girls mature faster than boys and they often want to date older boys .

I NOT saying this situation is ok-
I am saying this is a
Knee jerk reaction and no one has asked the girl involved what is going on .

Kissing does not automatically = sex .

girlmom21 · 26/09/2022 06:15

@stillvicarinatutu I'm sorry but what you're describing sounds like a very clear case of grooming. Your 'protection and salvation'?

Sunnyjac · 26/09/2022 06:27

Rape:

www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2003/42/part/1/crossheading/rape

Consent:

www.cps.gov.uk/sites/default/files/documents/publications/what_is_consent_v2.pdf

Key point is she doesn’t have capacity to consent so any sexual contact will make him liable for prosecution. Report it, what on earth does a 22 year old have in common with a 14 year old?

x2boys · 26/09/2022 06:29

I was a teen in the 80 s it was more common then for teen girls to" date" men in their ,20,s but it was always taboo ,I mean why would a 22 year old want to "date" someone so young ,what on earth could they have in common ?
And why can't he get a girlfriend his own age ?.

RBKB · 26/09/2022 07:00

This is grooming and child abuse. It would have been (just) tolerated in the 80's but then...so was drunk driving. Things have moved on thank god. Please report it.

Tuilpmouse · 26/09/2022 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

So what if she has? It doesn't make the "relationship" ok, or not needing reporting.

Laurama91 · 26/09/2022 07:11

Sorry I've not read the full thread. But what do her parents think? When I was at school someone was seeing a 19 year old. Her parents were aware and he was welcome at their house. I belive we were 13/14. Maybe speak with the parents. They might not be aware.

SkiingIsHeaven · 26/09/2022 07:41

Speak to the safeguarding officer at school and ask to remain anonymous. That's what I did when I had concerns about my DD's friend. They sorted it all out.

Tuilpmouse · 26/09/2022 07:44

Given many of the depressingly indifferent responses on this thread concerning a 14 yo engaging in sexual activity with a man, I'm not sure why Prince Andrew gets such a universally bad press given Virginia Giuffre was 17 at the time, if so many MNers are "meh" about a 14 yo.

Tuilpmouse · 26/09/2022 07:45

x2boys · 26/09/2022 06:29

I was a teen in the 80 s it was more common then for teen girls to" date" men in their ,20,s but it was always taboo ,I mean why would a 22 year old want to "date" someone so young ,what on earth could they have in common ?
And why can't he get a girlfriend his own age ?.

Yes, it seems that some MNers haven't left 80s attitudes behind! Thoroughly depressing.

bellac11 · 26/09/2022 08:01

Well done OP, as I said a while back the authorities probably already know about this relatonship but may not have had the evidence to discuss it with her

She may well deny aspects of whats happening and I think most people on this thread are a bit fanciful about what is likely to happen to this man, unfortunately its likely its very little unless she discloses full sexual activity and even then she would need to support prosecution.

Ive sat in many a meeting with the police arguing for them to act on grooming to be told that there isnt any actual crime to act on from this sort of thing unless other factors are present. Also there are so many technicalities with social media and uploading or downloading of photos we've also had it where police cant progress charges of indecent images and courts then refusing to issue sexual risk orders.

But it will at least give them the opportunity to discuss with her and give her the tools to understand whats going on for her and tell whats happening. We hope.

MsTSwift · 26/09/2022 08:07

Hysterical reaction? Are you being serious? A mid teen and a man in his twenties? Social services involvement if the parents are condoning that. It’s vile. It was wrong in 1992 and it’s still wrong now.

Need2P · 26/09/2022 08:20

If my teen dd would start dating a 22 year old man and I didn't know but someone else knew, I would be thankful that they had reported it. It's pure grooming.

Tuilpmouse · 26/09/2022 08:55

Laurama91 · 26/09/2022 07:11

Sorry I've not read the full thread. But what do her parents think? When I was at school someone was seeing a 19 year old. Her parents were aware and he was welcome at their house. I belive we were 13/14. Maybe speak with the parents. They might not be aware.

I'm not sure what her parents think is really relevant to this. If her parents are "meh, so what if our 14 yo daughter is seeing a 22 yo", does that in any way somehow make it ok? Are you really saying "well, a 14 yo being with a 22 yo is dodgy, but I suppose if her parents are ok with then it's fine". Your attitude is more 1822 than 2022!

OrangeBanana22 · 26/09/2022 15:54

Yes report Immediately, to school or police or anyone that will listen! I sadly am a survivor from a situation like this. Have ptsd and wish someone intervened or stopped it and now slowly healing from the trauma it caused.

zingally · 26/09/2022 16:43

You'd care if it was your 14 year old.

Absolutely report it.

NoMoreLifts · 26/09/2022 16:50

PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 25/09/2022 20:33

"Yes OP you need to report this because if hey are sleeping together he is committing statutory rape ."

Yeah, that's not a thing.

Well, it's a something that is prosecutable, even if it's not called statutory rape.

www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/rape-and-sexual-offences-chapter-7-key-legislation-and-offences

Twonewcats · 26/09/2022 16:55

stillvicarinatutu · 26/09/2022 03:50

I have a 25 year old who was dating at 13 .

I took a common sense approach.
Because she was regardless of age having sex at 14 . So she went in the pill and was thankfully able to come to me . My point is my dd was having sex with a same age boyfriend well before I even contemplated sex with my much older boyfriend.

She has had 2 long term relationships now at 25 and one of those was her first boyfriend who was only a year older than her .

It's as if people actually forget what they were like at 15 on here .

Did you all wait until the wedding day to lose your virginity? Or did some of you have sex before .....? Did some of you even have sex before you were (shock horror ). 16 ?

I am not saying this may not be a safeguarding issue - but I saying ffs TALK to the girl involved and actually find out what's going on before getting the lynch mob out .

But hav8ng sex with someone your age at 14 is a very different scenario to dating a man 8 years older 🤔

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 26/09/2022 16:57

Tuilpmouse · 26/09/2022 08:55

I'm not sure what her parents think is really relevant to this. If her parents are "meh, so what if our 14 yo daughter is seeing a 22 yo", does that in any way somehow make it ok? Are you really saying "well, a 14 yo being with a 22 yo is dodgy, but I suppose if her parents are ok with then it's fine". Your attitude is more 1822 than 2022!

Show quote history

If anything, if the parents are OK with it, it makes worse.

MsTSwift · 26/09/2022 17:36

It was years ago but a family I worked with had social services involvement as they merrily let their 14 year old dds twenty something “boyfriend” sleep over 🙄. She got pregnant obviously. Mum saw no problem with this whatsoever as she herself had got pregnant at 14 so…